Why do fathers get the short end of the stick? - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »The Family & Parenting Forums » Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

Like Tree3Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-02-2012, 08:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,208
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

In the schools my chilren went to, they made gifts for both parents. There was never a gift for just mom or just dad.

I got primary custody of my son in 1996 when I divorced my son's father because we went through a lengthly custody evaluation. I was my son's primary care giver. My son's father is an abusive person.. emotionally and physically. The evaluators did determine that he was abusive and had some serious problems. But even with that our arrangement was 60/40. When my son was in 10th grade he had a fight with his father... a physcial fight since he finally protected himself. It was the last time he has ever stayed with at his father's house. Son is 23 now.

My step children are closer to me than to either of their parents... because I am the one who took care of them from financial support to emotional support and everything else. Their mother lived 2000 miles away and their father (who I was married to) spent all his time on the computer playing games, did not work and ignored them. He did have 100% custody of his children because his wife walked out on him and the children. But once he moved in with me just turned his back on the children.

My point is that it's a case by case basis. Our courts are recognizing that both parents are necessary. So more and more 50/50 custody is the norm.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-02-2012, 10:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: In an igloo.
Posts: 2,004
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

I think daughters need their daddies to show them how a woman should be treated. This sets the stage for healthier relationships with men when the daughters grow up. I see so many women who had absent or abusive fathers pick men who are of the same ilk. So sad.

Sons need fathers to teach them how to be men. There are some things that moms can't teach sons about, just the same with mothers. I couldn't imagine going bra or sanitary napkin shopping with my dad-both of us would have died from embarassment.

My father is hardworking, kind and he has always doted on me as his only daughter. However, he was a cheater. His infidelity led to me believing that most (if not all) men are unfaithful. You can't imagine how hard it is to shake that conviction.

Sometimes I see mothers winning custody cases when they have no business raising children. I think the courts need to be more mindful of unfit mothers instead of automatically awarding custody to the woman.
FirstYearDown is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 11:41 AM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
anotherguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,550
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

F-102.. I dont know your story... but you sound a bit over sensitive on the topic?

I wouldnt take too many social cues from TV as it basks in the glow of easy, insane, and hyperbolic stereotypes for a quick laugh. As for people in prison that are getting visits from their kids... get used to following the rules - thats what prison is.

"fathers deemed unnecessary and redundant (and at times repulsive).."

yeah, I dont think so. As soon as you take a close and honest look at blanket assertions regarding fatherly or motherly fitness and presumed social regard like these...they fall apart.

I think many of us know fathers that are losers, as well as mothers. We also know great moms... and great dads. And if your kid happens to grin into the TV camera and say 'Hi Mom!'... what again is the problem? That you feel left out?

I know lots of moms that were the unwavering cheerleaders for their kids and brought the most empathy in many ways. Dads too, but just as often dada dads operate in a different sphere of influence like how to change a tire or the rules for acting honerably etc. Its not better or worse.. it can just be different. Frankly - I didnt realize how lucky I was to have the father I did until I got older.

let it go man.
anotherguy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 12:00 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

I'm one of those active dads who is involved in all aspects of our childrens' lives; maybe in a minority of men with children.

Nearing divorce, my wife and I both realize and appreciate the importance each other plays in parenting. We have a 50-50 co-parenting plan.

However, I thought about how women generally get the better end of child-caring in divorce cases, etc. But, it irritates me, who does equal, if not more.

My wife said that's just the way children are. They love their moms;they'd rather be with their moms.

It's heartbreaking for me to hear that. I have dealt with our childrens' emotions far more than she. I have been there and will be there.

I assume that it is easier for women to have their cake and eat it too. Meaning, transgress in the marriage, and then in divorce, dictate the terms of the children.

The whole Custody/Visitation mentality still pervades thinking; it is to the benefit of women. And, I'm one of those dads who wants to fight this stereotype in an effort to make it fairer for dads who are active in their childrens' lives.

Of course, I appreciate the role that mothers play in parenting. My wife is an excellent mother.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 12:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Cherry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 2,161
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayb View Post
The whole Custody/Visitation mentality still pervades thinking; it is to the benefit of women. And, I'm one of those dads who wants to fight this stereotype in an effort to make it fairer for dads who are active in their childrens' lives.
Having gone through what could have become a nightmare of a custody battle, my lawyer informed me that our family courts here start with 50/50 custody, when no mutual agreement is reached among the parties, and work from there.

There are still many old school judges sitting on the bench, who automatically assume a child is better off with the mother being the primary caregiver. It wasn't too long ago that women traditionally did provide all of the nurturing and care to their children and stayed home, and the father was the sole breadwinner, away from the home much more than the mother. The way to continue to change this way of thinking is by actions, more fathers standing up for their rights in court. Fathers can't go in the court thinking all is lost and that the mother will automatically win full custody.
Fight for the right to 50/50 at the very least, or more if it would be in the best interest of the child(ren).

I firmly believe in most custody cases, that is what the goal is -- the best interest of the child.
Cherry is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 12:40 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,286
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

I didn't see my dad from ages 7 to 21. Yea. It effed me up for a long time.

Is this the norm? I am not sure. I know way more men who walk away from their kids than I do mothers who leave. But that's just been my experience.
__________________

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 12:53 PM   #22 (permalink)
gav
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 30
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

I have full custody of my kids, because EXW has mental issues. I still worry about her finding some compliant judge somewhere and getting custody, but my brain says that it's been long enough and the law here is clear enough that nothing would happen.

Who knows...
gav is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 02:53 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry View Post
Having gone through what could have become a nightmare of a custody battle, my lawyer informed me that our family courts here start with 50/50 custody, when no mutual agreement is reached among the parties, and work from there.

There are still many old school judges sitting on the bench, who automatically assume a child is better off with the mother being the primary caregiver. It wasn't too long ago that women traditionally did provide all of the nurturing and care to their children and stayed home, and the father was the sole breadwinner, away from the home much more than the mother. The way to continue to change this way of thinking is by actions, more fathers standing up for their rights in court. Fathers can't go in the court thinking all is lost and that the mother will automatically win full custody.
Fight for the right to 50/50 at the very least, or more if it would be in the best interest of the child(ren).

I firmly believe in most custody cases, that is what the goal is -- the best interest of the child.
I'm in a state with a baseline of 50-50 co-parenting as well. Best interest of the child guides decisions.

However, I'd be happier with more time/responsibility. But, she is a good mother, so, I should stop there.

It can get blurry when the childrens' primary residence is with the mother, who then thinks she drives the decisions. Back to the custody/visitation circle...
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 04:06 PM   #24 (permalink)
DTO
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,640
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
I couldn't imagine going bra or sanitary napkin shopping with my dad-both of us would have died from embarassment.
Interesting. Did you always feel that way, or was that more of an age-related "oh my god what if somebody sees us" type of thing that developed? I'm curious because my daughter is not at all ashamed about having me do those things with her. I take her to buy whatever she needs, get her hair done (even fancily for special occassions) and (just now) to get her nails polished.

I'm not embarrassed about doing those things either for the act itself or for typically being the only guy in close proximity. I look at it as doing what it takes to provide her with the things girls like (it's a good thing I understand the importance of the frilly stuff).

Hopefully that won't change too much. Even if it does, I've arranged support to make sure everything is covered. :-)
DTO is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 04:09 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 982
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 View Post
Okay, I know that this will be a rant, but it is something that bugs me.

Yesterday, there was a huge article in the paper about how Procter& Gamble will run these ads during the Olympic games about how important mothers are to the athletes. I immediately wondered why no one seems to care about how important fathers are. I thought of that joke by Bill Cosby when the father's son wants to play football, so the father gets him the best football equipment there is, goes into the backyard with him and shows him how to catch the ball and run with it, takes him to all of his practices and never misses his games, encourages him until he gets a football scholarship and finally, he watches proudly as his son runs in the winning touchdown at the Rose Bowl, spikes the ball, turns to the TV cameras and says:

"Hi, Mom!"

I see it all the time. Kids in school are made to make projects and gifts for their mothers, but none for the fathers. Whenever a kid gets hurt, they run to their mothers. On TV shows, moms are always the ones who adore their kids and are always the smart parent who know just what to do to make things right and solve a problem, while dad is an overgrown man-child who is best avoided, a clueless, beer-swilling oaf whose only concern is the game on TV.

Divorce is made for mothers. They almost always get full custody while dear old dad is reduced to this guy that the kids see every other weekend and maybe a holiday or two if they're lucky. Oh, and dad, make sure that the child support is up to date, thank you.

Even in prisons, female inmates with children are given weekend long visits with their kids in special cells (like hotel rooms) because the department of corrections "knows how crucial and essential the mother-child bond is", while fathers in prison will get an extra five minutes looking thru a bullet-proof glass partition on Father's Day as their reward for good behavior.

It just seems that fathers are deemed unnecessary and redundant (and at times, repulsive) by society.
Its not some Conspiracy against men although radical feminist may be in favor of that.


I am a lawyer i have done many divorce cases and the reason the system favors' women and is bias is cause of men's actions as a whole. Not saying all men abuse or cheat or are bad fathers but the vast vast majority of the time its men causing the problems.

Of course some people are in denial and think its a conspiracy against males. It really is not
Goldmember357 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 04:27 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 982
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
I think daughters need their daddies to show them how a woman should be treated. This sets the stage for healthier relationships with men when the daughters grow up. I see so many women who had absent or abusive fathers pick men who are of the same ilk. So sad.

Sons need fathers to teach them how to be men. There are some things that moms can't teach sons about, just the same with mothers. I couldn't imagine going bra or sanitary napkin shopping with my dad-both of us would have died from embarassment.

My father is hardworking, kind and he has always doted on me as his only daughter. However, he was a cheater. His infidelity led to me believing that most (if not all) men are unfaithful. You can't imagine how hard it is to shake that conviction.

Sometimes I see mothers winning custody cases when they have no business raising children. I think the courts need to be more mindful of unfit mothers instead of automatically awarding custody to the woman.
Women are given custody more so cause the vast majority of the time its the most logical choice. Although as you surely know most people who have children are hardly good parents in the world and really should not raise children.

I think its important that a child have a mother and a father but if they cant have both they can still grow up and be fine as long as other things are met. Its true or correct in that girls with good relationships with there fathers or a strong male figure who acts as a father is imperative in often how they view they should be treated by other males. They are not longing for say or desperate for male attention or security there "daddy" will always protect them and be the best male they will know in there life until they marry.

Of course yes i realize not all fathers are good same with mothers this was just a generalization and assuming it goes correctly. However general consensus is that the female plays a little more of a role than the father does in both sexes for child development. Its only natural they tend to breastfeed there children their are different bonds and connections they might share.
Goldmember357 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-03-2012, 05:07 PM   #27 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: In an igloo.
Posts: 2,004
Default Re: Why do fathers get the short end of the stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DTO View Post
Interesting. Did you always feel that way, or was that more of an age-related "oh my god what if somebody sees us" type of thing that developed? I'm curious because my daughter is not at all ashamed about having me do those things with her. I take her to buy whatever she needs, get her hair done (even fancily for special occassions) and (just now) to get her nails polished.

I'm not embarrassed about doing those things either for the act itself or for typically being the only guy in close proximity. I look at it as doing what it takes to provide her with the things girls like (it's a good thing I understand the importance of the frilly stuff).

Hopefully that won't change too much. Even if it does, I've arranged support to make sure everything is covered. :-)
My father never had a talk with me about sex. He was disgusted by the idea of his baby girl becoming a woman, so buying reminders of that fact was off limits.
FirstYearDown is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I had the Best Fathers day ever In_The_Wind The Social Spot 9 06-18-2012 01:41 PM
need to stick it out..... lovegreen Considering Divorce or Separation 17 08-01-2011 08:36 PM
I think I'm getting the short end of the stick hkbaker Coping with Infidelity 4 12-28-2010 08:32 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:16 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.