The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I am wondering what the parents on TAM think about corporal punishment.
My therapist is gently prodding me to talk about my abusive childhood. I would rather just move on and stop thinking about it, but she insists that breaking the silence is therapeutic. I was physically abused by my mother for many years.
Surprisingly, I have nothing against a well timed smack if a child is not listening. I think spanking should be the last resort and never given in anger. My mom gave her children some brutal beatings because she punished when she was mad. I would never advocate that, but I do think that more children need a spanking once in a while. Parents are too afraid of their children nowadays. Of course, I am not a parent so maybe I don't know what I am talking about. I have just seen the effects of parents being much too lax.
I was seriously abused as a child and I struggled with whether to spank my children or not. Dh was spanked simply, no abuse. So of course he was for it. At first I tried simple time outs but then I found myself yellinge when they didn't listen so finally one day I did give a spanking. I am much more reserved in when I give one but I do believe it sends a clear message, as does other consequences such as grounding, no phone no friends etc. I think you should talk to your therapist about the abuse, it feels to good to get it out And release it and you may be surprise the issues that you still have from it that talking About it uncovers, I know I was, but in addition I had abonment issues as well, however the abuse was worse because it affected my self esteem and my trust of other people. Still does to this day. But there is a big difference between a simple spanking and beating a child.. But for someone who was abused it is hard to separate the two in your mind. Posted via Mobile Device
Once my toddler daughter was running down the driveway towards the street, didn't stop when I yelled, didn't stop when I screamed and I couldn't catch her until she was about 2 feet into the road I smacked her diapered ass HARD when I got hold of her.
It didn't take me long to realize hitting her wasn't a learning lesson but an outlet for my fear, anger and helplessness.
With that realization I never struck her again.
She's the most well behaved child I've ever known. Posted via Mobile Device
My father rarely hit me. I still have a lot of respect for him.
He would send me to my room or shout. That was enough for me.
One time when I was about five, he smacked me across the face. I peed all over the floor in shock. My father's eyes filled up with tears and he scooped me up in his arms. He used to give me little gifts or money the day after my mom would throttle me.
Despite the fact that I was abused, I can still separate abuse from discipline. A smack on the butt after two or three warnings is fine. Kicking or using pots to hit a child is abuse.
My father rarely hit me. I still have a lot of respect for him.
He would send me to my room or shout. That was enough for me.
One time when I was about five, he smacked me across the face. I peed all over the floor in shock. My father's eyes filled up with tears and he scooped me up in his arms. He used to give me little gifts or money the day after my mom would throttle me.
Despite the fact that I was abused, I can still separate abuse from discipline. A smack on the butt after two or three warnings is fine. Kicking or using pots to hit a child is abuse.
Having been abused myself I do agree that a firm swat on the rear end is sometimes need. Yes sometimes it may seem like or can be an outlet for fear/anger however the child does learn something from it. Of course(depending upon the kid) sometimes a stern voice is all thats needed. With the condition I'm in right now I've had to mainly rely on my voice to get my kids to listen.. and they do. Whenever mommy raises her voice they know she means business... when mommy starts counting they quickly snap back to behaving lol. Time out works great with my kids even if they have tv and toys in thier room as does confiscating a toy they throw or use to hit. We rarely had to swat our kids on the butt.. it's normally when all else fails and even then the swats are three firm ones on the behind at most.
My parents were in the spanking generation. Also they would often use plastic or wooden spoons. I think it's cruel. I never deserved to be hit in anyway shape or form. No one does. My parents are not the best parents in the world and have a few issues amongst themselves. However, it was how they were taught to raise their children by their own parents. My mother often calls me names or lies to me even as an adult. If I call her on it, she plays the victim. I do stand up for myself and my family.
I do not spank or hit my children, yet my husband and I are very strict with our children. Of course they make mistakes, but so do we. I was determined to break this cycle of parenting.
I have very well behaved and happy children. They do not hit others either. I've noticed some of their friends have taken anger out which has resulted in hitting or shoving them. This one little girl pushed my daughter of the top bunk when she was young. Their bunk bed is a full on top of a full and is near the ceiling. This girl would hit also, but there are others who have hit as well. I immediately address this with their parents, so it doesn't happen again.
Children that are often spanked or spanked, sometimes hit others as well. This is what they are taught to do from their parents when they too, are angry.
I've been known to raise my voice once in a great while. Usually around PMS times. My husband on the other hand is extremely patient and fair. I've learn a lot from him. Especially how to raise children without losing my cool. I will never lay a hand on my children. I hope my children will use our parenting tactics on their own children. Also, my children rarely argue amongst each other. They are all very close and the best of friends. This makes parenting easier. Usually siblings fight, but not my own girls.
It's normally peaceful around here. It's a nice life.
My parents were in the spanking generation. Also they would often use plastic or wooden spoons. I think it's cruel. I never deserved to be hit in anyway shape or form. No one does. My parents are not the best parents in the world and have a few issues amongst themselves. However, it was how they were taught to raise their children by their own parents. My mother often calls me names or lies to me even as an adult. If I call her on it, she plays the victim. I do stand up for myself and my family.
I am against using anything but the hand .. and as far as your mother goes.. that there is another form of abuse. My mother is the same way, very degrading and hateful which is why she is not allowed to see my kids. To me a swat on the butt is fine since it's discipline... using a spoon(or in my case when i was younger a belt or 2x4) is totally uncalled for. Both my children are very well behaved as well and sure sometimes they get a wild hair up their butt but thats normal imo and as i stated earlier normally a stern voice and counting does the trick. Good to hear your family is doing great though.
Thankful my children are now grown. But, when they were less than six or seven years old, they did get a few whippins'. When my husband and I first started out, we tried the time out routines. We even read a few books on various popular non-spanking techniques. It didn't take long to see none of that was working. It only took a few swats on their bottoms for them to realize we meant business--and NO meant NO.
People always complimented us on how well behaved the children were when we were out. I could even take all three out (by myself) when they were below the age of 4 and never have problems--nice restaurants, grocery shopping, and even the toy isle. What I see when I go out now is a bunch of children out of control. My 18 year old daughters are even disgusted by how parents are allowing their children to misbehave in public places.
Once my toddler daughter was running down the driveway towards the street, didn't stop when I yelled, didn't stop when I screamed and I couldn't catch her until she was about 2 feet into the road I smacked her diapered ass HARD when I got hold of her.
It didn't take me long to realize hitting her wasn't a learning lesson but an outlet for my fear, anger and helplessness.
With that realization I never struck her again.
She's the most well behaved child I've ever known. Posted via Mobile Device
This example is actually the only time I'm okay with spanking...when a child is very young, very mobile, and very incapable of seeing the potential consequences of their actions. Sometimes toddlers do dangerous things and it happens so fast, and they are not really capable of listening to reason at that age. Something like running into the road or trying to stick a fork in a light socket (my brother did that lol) is not something you want them to repeat and it seems appropriate to respond in a way that's immediate, attention-grabbing, and memorable.
I, too, had some bad experiences in childhood with this. I said I'd never spank my kids. When kiddo was a toddler, we were in heavy traffic to go see some Christmas lights, and he decided to climb out of his booster seat while I was driving...repeatedly. The first time, I pulled over and got him back in and tried to reason with him lol. He waited til we got going again and promptly did it again. It's the only time I can remember giving him a swat on the backside. Didn't really hurt him, but it shocked him. I felt horrible about it, but I don't think I'd do anything differently today. Safety was at stake.
I don't feel that spanking works well as a primary disciplinary tactic, and I really don't think it works well with older children, either. I do respect other people's right to parent their own children in the way they see fit, though. I live in the South where when I was growing up, sending a kid out into the yard to "fetch a switch" was still common.
There is another reason why I disagree with spanking older children, though. Spanking as an adult kink/fetish is extremely common...possibly even THE most common fetish. As someone who has talked to maybe 5,000+ adults with this fetish, guess when it usually starts? For some, it starts so early they can't even remember. For most others, it started as an older child. Most of them were spanked by parents as children, but some were not. Caning as a fetish/kink in the UK is common, and it used to be used in schools as punishment there until relatively recently. Regardless of whether childhood spanking causes this interest, it just seems icky to me to think that many of the children being spanked today either already have or will end up having a sexual interest in it. I bet if their parents knew this, they would probably choose a different disciplinary approach because they'd start to feel a little incestuous about it, but of course they will probably never know.
It hurts, and it could cause damage too. I don't agree with it. I think even in the case of the seatbelt, there are other things you could do, like pinning the kids' sleeve to the seat so that he or she couldn't undo the seatbelt, and doing this each and every time he or she undid his or her seatbelt in a moving vehicle. I had to do that with my middle child. He would get carsick and that contributed to him wanting out of his seat. Once we addressed the carsickness with homeopathic remedy (Tabacum, I think...) he got more compliant in a vehcile. Today I live 1/2 mile from his school in order to minimize time he has to spend in a vehicle, he still doesn't like it. Another thing you could do is consult a family therapist before resorting to corporal punishment, to find out other ways that people have coped, or to get to the root of the problem. I don't have to discipline my kids too much, typically I send them to their bed for quiet time and they read which is fine by them and fine by me. I have a kid-friendly household with reasonable expectations...however one of my children has a disability and so I did years and years of family therapy and am likely more patient and easy-going than most as a result.
The only times I have ever been violent in my life is when others have hit me first. I have only hit in self-defence.
There were five children in my family. We were all VERY well behaved because we were frightened.
I used to hate my mother, but now I realize that she truly did not know any better. She was raised with brutality and she was passing it on. I have compassion for a woman who was so damaged that she could enjoy hurting her children physically and emotionally. As an old lady, my mom is full of regret and sadness at how distant her adult children are.
It hurts, and it could cause damage too. I don't agree with it. I think even in the case of the seatbelt, there are other things you could do, like pinning the kids' sleeve to the seat so that he or she couldn't undo the seatbelt, and doing this each and every time he or she undid his or her seatbelt in a moving vehicle. I had to do that with my middle child. He would get carsick and that contributed to him wanting out of his seat. Once we addressed the carsickness with homeopathic remedy (Tabacum, I think...) he got more compliant in a vehcile. Today I live 1/2 mile from his school in order to minimize time he has to spend in a vehicle, he still doesn't like it. Another thing you could do is consult a family therapist before resorting to corporal punishment, to find out other ways that people have coped, or to get to the root of the problem. I don't have to discipline my kids too much, typically I send them to their bed for quiet time and they read which is fine by them and fine by me. I have a kid-friendly household with reasonable expectations...however one of my children has a disability and so I did years and years of family therapy and am likely more patient and easy-going than most as a result.
I agree with you, in general. However, my son was not carsick. He had that defiant little gleam in his eye that toddlers get when they are determined no matter what you say. He was simply overwhelmed by his newfound superpowers (hehe, I've figured out the buckles on this contraption. You no longer control me, booster seat! I can get up whenever I want and Mommy can't stop me 'cause she can't take her hands off that wheel thing at the moment).
I am a patient parent. Well, I was more patient when he was younger...I think God must have known I needed it more then and let me use it. Child throws a screaming fit inside the supermarket? No problem, I'll just leave the cart (that's taken me 45 minutes to get half-filled and has ice cream melting in it) and we'll head straight outside to sit on the bench for awhile.
Unfortunately, there is no time to consult a family therapist or stop by the store for some pins in such a situation. Toddlers will not link a consequence to a behavior unless it is an immediate one. A behavior that distracts the driver and could result in the child flying through a windshield...yeah, I'm not chancing that. You know how toddlers are, too. If they figure out they can get away with it a couple of times, they figure they can continue doing it and it can become a pattern that is much harder to break.
As a father of two college aged boys, I am not an advocate of corporal punishment of children. Having said that, I have been the recipient of many spankings and beatings by my father as a child, and have been richly subjected to several visits with the "board of education" with my various secondary school football coaches.(It was actually legal in the 1970's!)
I spanked mine when they were very young basically to instill in them how to properly behave in general public. As they became older, then I reverted to the denial of any of their monetary benefits. To wit, that has worked extremely well more especially in their more formative and older years!
As they became older, then I reverted to the denial of any of their monetary benefits. To wit, that has worked extremely well more especially in their more formative and older years!
This works for us, too, but I work it into a logical consequences approach. For instance, if my son is supposed to mow the lawn before the end of the weekend and he decides not to, I'll pay somebody else to do it... or, rather, HE pays somebody else to do it as allowance/extra spending money is for family members who are contributing and pulling their weight around the house. He either chooses to do his chores or decides that paying someone else to do them is worth it. Either way, the chores get done.
I like logical consequences. It helps the child learn that every choice has an effect... and that those effects are his to deal with.
There is another reason why I disagree with spanking older children, though. Spanking as an adult kink/fetish is extremely common...possibly even THE most common fetish. As someone who has talked to maybe 5,000+ adults with this fetish, guess when it usually starts? For some, it starts so early they can't even remember. For most others, it started as an older child. Most of them were spanked by parents as children, but some were not. Caning as a fetish/kink in the UK is common, and it used to be used in schools as punishment there until relatively recently. Regardless of whether childhood spanking causes this interest, it just seems icky to me to think that many of the children being spanked today either already have or will end up having a sexual interest in it. I bet if their parents knew this, they would probably choose a different disciplinary approach because they'd start to feel a little incestuous about it, but of course they will probably never know.
I disagree with the spanking itself bringing about a fetish.... There is a complete difference between two or three firm swats on a diapered behind by hand and using a belt, board, whatever.... I do agree that older then four-five there isn't really a need for swats on the butt as they are capable of understanding things such as time out and toys being confinscated much better then at an earlier age. To me.. spanking/swatting.. whatever one wishes to call it is done by hand and only with toddlers between 2 to probably four or five... Thats my viewpoint anyway. I see using something such as a stick, board, ect as abuse and completely unnecessary. When it comes to something like sticking something in a plug in socket or something then a swat on the hand (not hard mind you) is necessary imo. I don't see any of that as corporal punishment... what comes to mind when i hear that is something really bizarre like the stocks or stoning or prison lol. Abuse to me .. aside from the fact that i consider outright beatings with belts, sticks, ect abuse... Would be something like making your kid run down a dirt road for about a mile and a half with no break, no water, and you driving a van yelling insults at them the entire way... Or in a case i seen on tv... some woman running her daughter too death. That stuff is abuse in my eyes... not to mention the mental abuse such as ... insulting the child or children, degrading them verbally, blaming them for marital problems, or the parent saying they will kill themselves ect ect....
23Likes
Spanking. 
Re: Spanking. 
