Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids
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The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

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Old 05-10-2012, 11:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Background: H was married for 24 years. unhappy for the last 15. Left his wife, she was blindsided. She is very, very bitter.

He and I got together two years after their divorce, I played no role in their divorce.

He has teenagers -- gets them 2 weekends a month. I have embraced them -- I have no parenting role, nor should I, but I always accompany him to their concerts, games, etc -- he wants me there, and I like supporting the kids. She usually does not attend these functions, but when she does, and sees me, she goes ballistic.

And she takes it out on the kids. At home.

I don't know what to do -- if I stop going with him, he feels unsupported, and honestly, I like to go -- I like my stepkids. But when I go, the kids get a blistering earful at home about my presence. And one time, after their birthday, when I sent some homemade birthday cake home with them, she threw a fit and, well, it was ugly.

She and I have never met in person, btw. I cannot control what she does, and I am trying hard to understand how difficult this must be for her. No judgment there, but I do fault her for pulling the kids into it.

Any advice, either from divorced moms who've had to deal with the new wife, or from someone in the same boat? I understand that she's bitter, I do. But I wish she would leave the kids out of it.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

You should have hubby talk to her... she sounds like she needs a bit of counseling too..... Nothing should EVER be taken out on the kids imo.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Oh, I agree, Gaia!

They don't talk. They communicate exclusively via text and email, which is fine for the most part, but sometimes they really need to hash things out. I've encouraged him to take her for coffee, or dinner, or something, but she refuses. She is VERY angry. And yes, I think he should push more, but that's just not him. Thanks for your response.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Hell he doesn't need to take her out to coffee... what he needs to do is pull her aside upon the next meeting and let her know exactly how WRONG he feels her behavior is and he shouldn't tolerate it. If that doesn't work or isn't an option.. both should see eachother in court and discuss it with a mediator or something. Your welcome btw.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

I think you are a nice lady and should continue to do what you do. I think your husband should explain to the kids that you had no role in the divorce. He can suggest that she not put kids in the middle but that is very difficult to accomplish.

The best thing he can do is continue to talk with the kids directly.
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

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Originally Posted by Gaia View Post
You should have hubby talk to her... she sounds like she needs a bit of counseling too..... Nothing should EVER be taken out on the kids imo.
Yeah, I agree 100%. She is very actively driving a wedge between her kids and her ex, which strikes me as very immature and makes me doubt her parenting ability.

Your hubby (or his lawyer) should come with:

"My current wife appropriately support our children and takes no parental liberties. You are disrupting my relationship with them for no good reason, which is especially troubling given the already limited time I spend with them.

I feel the best course of action is to have a professional look into this matter, figure out what is going on, and make recommendations on the best interest of the children."

Back on the thread which asked if a guy would ever marry someone with kids, this is just the sort of disruptive behavior I probably would not put up with.
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

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Oh, I agree, Gaia!

They don't talk. They communicate exclusively via text and email, which is fine for the most part, but sometimes they really need to hash things out. I've encouraged him to take her for coffee, or dinner, or something, but she refuses. She is VERY angry. And yes, I think he should push more, but that's just not him. Thanks for your response.
The attorney can be assertive for you. It's okay to be pissed, but putting the kids in the middle (esp. because they spend 80% of their time with her and really cannot risk offending her) is not. This has the potential to make the kids feel like they have to choose her or hide their relationship with you.

That is why I say your hubby might want to approach this from a "your behavior has the potential to harm the children by stressing my relationship with them" perspective.
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Keep being a supporting wife and stepmom (even if you don't call it that). Let the hateful bat rant. Teenagers are old enough to know who has a screw loose and who doesn't. They will be beyond her control soon enough. She's actually guaranteeing they will gravitate toward the peaceful atmosphere of their father's home. Spiteful people see to their own destruction and they need no assistance from us. She's going to act like a hateful bat whether you go to these functions or not because that's what hateful bats do. That's why we call them "hateful bats". Every time she opens her mouth, it reminds your husband to breath a words of "thanks" that he has gone to a better place. Heaven wouldn't seem quite as alluring if not for the fact that it's alternative is hell.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

I hope things are better for you Lamaga.
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Old 05-27-2012, 05:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

[QUOTE=lamaga;737273
No judgment there, but I do fault her for pulling the kids into it.

But I wish she would leave the kids out of it.[/QUOTE]

Not sounding sarcastic,,but isn't this what you just advised me to not "focus my energy on"?
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Old 06-03-2012, 07:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Hateful bat? Seriously, have you read the thread? THis woman was left after two decades and this guy remarried two years later! Come on, gimme a break, please.... Stop projecting. If lamaga understands the bitterness then you should too. Use your head. Anyways, Lamaga I guess this situation is a bit difficult and it has to be your husband who needs to solve it. Tell him to grow a set and actually go talk to her during the kids drop off. She sounds angry and hurt and considering the short time frame, I do wonder how this divorce played out. She must have her reasons. Good luck, it sucks that you are put in this position.
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Old 06-03-2012, 12:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

Iamaga you seem to be the only adult that is concerned about this situation. What is your husbands problem? Why is he doing nothing to help his kids?

His wife is responsible for her terrible behavior but so is your husband by extension. He is their father but he stands impotently by while they are suffering. If that is an example of how he conducts relationships then he needs help.

I would say you should lay out the problem to him and ask him specifically to communicate with her for his children sake. Does he talk to the kids and show them some concern or does he pretend nothing is happening? If he has his head in the sand then you may have more problems on the horizon than just this.

Get your husband to act in the interest of his children. He really sounds maddening. 20 years of a do nothing man would be maddening.
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Old 06-03-2012, 12:56 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing With Angry Ex-wife...re: kids

While I totally get why this woman is bitter she is aiming it all the wrong people. It's not your fault she got dumped after 20 years of marriage. It's not the kids fault he remarried.

And furthermore this isn't your problem to fix it's your husbands. And since he wants nothing to do with her you must rise above this and emotionally detach. You do what YOU want to do and what you know is right and let the rest go.

Bitter, angry women are going to be that way no matter what you do or don't do. Your husband probably knows this which is why he has chosen to do nothing.

I feel sorry for the kids but you can't fix this. Even if you avoided them I'd bet the farm she still is hell to live with.

Just sayin.....
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