[MrsKy]

I would like to understand the tendency for in laws to be critical and/or very nosy.

My MIL openly resents the way her sons treat their wives. She gets very angry when my husband gives me a gift and the same goes for my BIL's wife. She makes snide remarks about my clothing. ("Look at those heels! She has to have new outfit every day!") My weight has been insulted in front of others by the old meanie. Her sons stand up for their wives, so my MIL constantly says she wishes she never had kids. I try to be respectful because she raised a nice man for me, but it is very hard when my MIL likes to make nasty comments. The latest is that I am "lazy" because I choose to focus on school without having a job. I don't think that lazy people seek higher education and better careers, but perhaps I am wrong.

I get along very well with my BIL's wife. She's a lovely and kind woman-one hell of a mother too! In my MIL's eyes, my sis-in-law can do nothing right. My MIL has rude words for the way her granddaughter is being raised. This is only because my BIL and his wife do not raise their daughter like my MIL raised her sons. Times have changed! The old woman is openly hostile to my sis-in-law and it sickens me.

It seems like a lot of jealousy. When our husband's bought new cars, my mother-in-law clucked about how she's never had a new vehicle. When my husband and I went to visit, (They live far away. Thank God!) my MIL pouted when people complimented my wedding ring set. She immediately went to put her own set on THAT SHE NEVER WEARS and said: "My sons have to buy their wives big rings! That's the kind of women they are!" So what if our diamonds are larger than hers? Does that mean we forced our husbands to purchase them??

My mother and I have a very distant and civil relationship. Although my mother wants us to be best friends, I don't feel emotionally safe with the woman who raised me with brutality and sexism. One of the reasons we don't get along is my mother's matriarchal attitude type. My mom only likes people who kiss her @ss and do whatever she wants at all times. If anyone dares to question her, she cries disrespect. She asks too many personal questions and tries to run my home with her outdated servile nonsense. My husband cannot stand her because she is just too controlling and given to throwing loud and humiliating tantrums. What makes me laugh is that my mom complains that her adult kids think she's a b!tch-I wonder why? I rarely visit or call.

I know that TAM members don't live in the minds of the aforementioned MIL's. I was just wondering if anyone could offer insight as to what drives mothers to be ornery busybodies. Perhaps they feel displaced by the new spouses or they feel unneeded?

[Gaia]

No idea... I've had a few ups and downs with my own MIL but fortunately (and it may be because I'm a ***** and have never backed down) she and I get along for the most part. In fact.. she has actually become more of a mother to me then my own mother. Oh she did try to tell my hubby and I how to live, how to raise our kids, ect at first but I outright told her she can shove her opinions up her rear end because she didn't carry the kids in her womb for nine months nor has she raised them. Also told her that her time for parenting has come and gone so she needs to shut her trap and start playing the granny role not the mommy role. That's just me though lol.

[TorontoBoyWest]

Sounds to me like she is jelly of the two women who "stole her boys away".

IMO if both husbands are standing up for their wives, I wouldn't give a second thought to the old witch.

[Gemwas]

Originally Posted by TorontoBoyWest

Sounds to me like she is jelly of the two women who "stole her boys away".

IMO if both husbands are standing up for their wives, I wouldn't give a second thought to the old witch.

I totally agree, and sounds like she has done a wonderful job of raising them too. In light of this maybe give her a little sympathy? I am not suggesting for one minute that she deserves any, however if you thought of it from that angle then you might have an easier time of dealing with the fact that that she is such a cow.

My own MIL is wonderful, but as far as my Step MIL goes, I wouldn't throw the last of my pepsi over her if she was on fire. Horrible woman, I deal with her ( for his dads sake ) by feeling sorry for her and it works. Im the one with the nice life, the wonderful husband, the stunning wedding set and sunny future.She is just a bitter and twisted old goat festering in her made up little world. Who gives a crap why or how she ended up like it!

[MrsKy]

I did mention that I am grateful she raised a nice man for me.

[specwar]

I have a mother that is just like this. In her case it is jelousy mixed with the sentiment that the women don't deserve her boys. Rightly or wrongly she sees material things as gaudy and not what is important. In this she is right. For some (things = status) and that is perceived as shallow by many.

If you are quick to give the credit to the husband and she continues with the snarky comments then she is simply bitter and you should feel sorry for her and ask why she is so angry. She should be happy for you. Maybe she needs somebody to confide in. But that does take a lot of effort and I understand that it is easier to simply disengage. It is her children who should be handling that anyway. (in my opinion). Although as a woman you woud be much more apt to reach her because as the son you are always the (kid) and the mother perpetually (in general) looks as the son as a kid regardless of age.

[MrsKy]

I agree-blood talks to blood. When she makes inappropriate comments, I just tell my husband.

Just because we wear our wedding bands, it doesn't make us shallow. My sis in law and I do not shove them in people's faces.
My husband bought a new car because the other one kept breaking down and the repairs were costing a fortune.

I believe that my MIL feels deprived of a lot of things and when she sees her daughter-in-laws receiving stuff she didn't get, it hurts her so much. Her favorite phrase is: "What do you need that for?!" She always likes to ask her sons what they spent on something.

Even with my little niece, my MIL complains that the toddler "has too much" and tells me not to buy birthday or Christmas gifts. Jealous of a little child-how immature and hateful! I still buy my niece gifts because I am her auntie.

It is as if my MIL needs to be the centre of attention at all times or else she gets mad. When my sis-in-law was pregnant, my MIL made scenes about her son "catering" to his wife too much. "She's only having a baby!" Maybe my FIL was not very attentive or loving?

Next time we go there, I am not staying at my in-laws home. I don't want to feel like I can't eat because I am "fat" or I can't take a nap without my MIL complaining about it like she did before. I want to be comfortable so we are staying at my BIL's place. I want to color with my niece and have wine with my SIL.

It is very hard to have a rational discussion with my MIL, so I don't even try. My husband has asked his mother what her problem is with my sis-in-law and my MIL didn't respond.