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I am hoping some of you might be able to provide some guidance/reading materials something on dealing with my soon to be 13 year old.
Overall she is a great kid. Gets good grades, is a competitive gymnast, and stays out of trouble. In fact she even tells her mom when something negative/"wrong" is happening in her circle.
But right now she is NEGATIVE about EVERYTHING. I realize that part of it is being a teenager. I have been there, I get it. But she seems to take no joy in anything any more. She is a good artist but has stopped drawing because she doesn't think she is good. She could be a much better gymnast but she just half-a$$es everything. Same with her grades. She gets good grades because my wife stays on top of her. She is plenty capable but is lazy.
We have tried yelling at her (like that ever works), reasoning with her, you name it. I even asked her the other night if she wants to talk to a counselor at school or a psychologist if there are some things she doesn't want to talk to us about.
Is this just what I should expect from a teenager? ( I have two more girls coming up behind her.... )
It could be, but you have to be vigilant. She really should talk to someone. Have you tried pinning her down for a long discussion? Sometimes you have to be sneaky - I used to offer to take my kids to DQ then once they were in the car they can't get out. I would then drive down the highway or all over town for an hour or two. Approach the conversation in a roundabout way - maybe ask about something at school, try to get her talking about something, then very delicately bring the subject around.
I have a plaque on my wall at home that says "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree"
It could be, but you have to be vigilant. She really should talk to someone. Have you tried pinning her down for a long discussion? Sometimes you have to be sneaky - I used to offer to take my kids to DQ then once they were in the car they can't get out. I would then drive down the highway or all over town for an hour or two. Approach the conversation in a roundabout way - maybe ask about something at school, try to get her talking about something, then very delicately bring the subject around.
I have a plaque on my wall at home that says "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree"
Actually I have tried. It is weird but my wife and I have such a completely different relationship with our girls. My wife and her fight like cats and dogs constantly but when they are in the car together my daughter tells her a lot. When I try to talk to her seriously she doesn't say much. Part of it is probably my fault because I joke and play a lot with my girls so I am the "fun" parent... Not that I don't also have expectations of them or get upset with them it is just a different relationship. If I am upset with her I stop joking with her and in some cases even talking to her and she KNOWS I am upset and it bothers her.
My wife and I also have a little differently philosophy. She likes to save them from everything. Make sure they do their homework, etc. I tell her they need to take responsibility and fail on their own once and a while.
I think it's the age. My daughter is the same. We have had long talks and she's ok. She hates her body (nothing wrong with her body) and typical girl stuff. She likes school and at her Open House night last night, her teachers all said she's a lovely kid...which was news to me because at home she can be a challenge.
But try to talk daily. I sit with the girls as they eat or I go into her bedroom and play games (LIFE is our fave right now) and she'll start to gossip.
But honestly, I think it's the age. People are so funky. I'm still waiting for my daughter's period to start. Oy.
But honestly, that sounds like my 12.5 year old. She'll be 13 in August...I see improvement in her lately but...teenage girls are funky, man. I remember being one. I was funky too. lol!
Thanks that_girl. I honestly don't mind the moodiness/moping because I expect some of that. What hurts/concerns me is that she just isn't happy about anything. She seems to not get joy from anything any more and she used to be a pretty happy go lucky kid.
What you are describing sounds very much like my now 18 year old daughter. When she was 11 the moodiness and negativity began. We thought it was just a phase but apparently not. She's still like that. My other 18 year old daughter has never been moody or negative. Speaking from a hindsight perspective, I would say definitely get your daughter evaluated by a psychologist. I would like to do that with my daughter, but our insurance doesn't seem to pay for evaluations. That and she doesn't want to.
I was mopy, depressed, friendless, procrastinating, unmotivated, and generally hated the world.
I hid in my room, walk around the house with headphones on, and demanded to be left alone. I wrote horrible poetry, smoked cigarettes, and chewed off anyone's face that tried to pry into "What was wrong"
My bedroom looked like a club, smelled like incense, and was my cave until everyone else had gone to bed, at which point I felt it was safe to go downstairs and eat/use the computer/watch tv.
I was so not the daughter my mom expected, I'm still not really. but I will say, to some extent, the negativity is normal.
Hello
Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.
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Overall she is a great kid. Gets good grades, is a competitive gymnast, and stays out of trouble.
I don't have a teenage girl but I used to be one. These are red flags to me. I was that good kid, overachiever, who stayed out of trouble but what my parents failed to realize was how hard I was on myself and how unbalanced my life was. And yes I became depressed.
Not trying to alarm you because there were other factors at play (my parents sucked) but just to keep an eye on it. Could be just moodiness or it could be something else.
Hello
Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.
That's a cute idea, but even my adult self would probably laugh and walk away, teenage me used to make people cry for such attempts.
be there, support your kids, accept them for who they are, and keep enough tabs to make sure they're not into things that are harming them. They'll discover new perspectives all on their own.
AFter reading it and seeing what you are saying your daughter is doing, I would say it's probably normal. BUT, getting a professional evaluation is always good as a precaution, because you never know.
The book says that kids in the 11-18 age range are in the middle of some rapid brain development, just like when they were 2-3 years old. Some odd behaviors come out during this time (just like when they were toddlers!) and the key is to not let things get to you, but to be aware and available and modeling good communication. Yelling at her probably makes her feel worse. She may not be able to get past the negativity, or there may be something bugging her that you aren't aware of.
I don't have a teenage girl but I used to be one. These are red flags to me. I was that good kid, overachiever, who stayed out of trouble but what my parents failed to realize was how hard I was on myself and how unbalanced my life was. And yes I became depressed.
Not trying to alarm you because there were other factors at play (my parents sucked) but just to keep an eye on it. Could be just moodiness or it could be something else.
That is what worries me, thanks. I wouldn't exactly call her an overachiever though, in fact she is quite lazy. She does "just enough" to get where she needs to be where if she applied herself she would probably be on top..
She is also a follower which is probably what scares us the most.
Hello
Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.
Thanks, we try that. Though I have to admit I am quite a "negative nelly" myself which I am sure doesn't help. I am able to laugh it off as I know how I am. She doesn't seem to be able to do that.
That's a cute idea, but even my adult self would probably laugh and walk away, teenage me used to make people cry for such attempts.
be there, support your kids, accept them for who they are, and keep enough tabs to make sure they're not into things that are harming them. They'll discover new perspectives all on their own.
Thanks for the insight and I get what you are saying. However, being a similar type of personality I know what self-deprecating behavior can do to you as you get older. I am still paying for it with low self-esteem, etc and I don't want her to go through that. Not that she has to be all sunshine and roses all of the time but I want her to get some joy out of SOMETHING...
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Mopy pre-teen 
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Not that I don't also have expectations of them or get upset with them it is just a different relationship. If I am upset with her I stop joking with her and in some cases even talking to her and she KNOWS I am upset and it bothers her.
