The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
As I was reading your story, I was chanting JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
There are some real pieces of work out there in humanity. Being raised by complete idiots, my biggest fear was becoming an idiot to I did a lot of work to have self-reflection. Then I was in therapy for 5 years, LOTS OF SELF REFLECTION. Just being aware of how you act is easy but not many people do it. They behave horribly and do not see it. How can they not see it? If I do something horrible, I know it.
As for liars, oh I know how liars think. They really do believe their own crap! Have you ever confronted a liar on something that you was 100 percent false? They go apesh!t. It's a defense mechanism, similar to that of the dung beetle. You get near the truth, and they fart all over you until you go away I am picturing my sister's head on a dung beetle body, I just cracked myself up.
OMG, my In Laws would so fit in on Jerry!
Even my FIL's own siblings thought my MIL was out of her mind for not only having an affair with him, but taking him back & marrying him.
Can you say Dysfunctional?
I swear, if it wasn't for my years of therapy, I have absolutely no idea where I would be today.
Therapy saved my life from turning out as screwed up as my own parents.
My mom stayed with my step-dad, who was a serial cheater for years & only finally left him afer he got another woman PG.
I watched her waste her life on him & vowed that would never be me.
No wonder I waited so long to get married, I just didn't want the hassle of being married to someone who would not fully commit.
With my own time in therapy, it too has brought out my own self awareness, which in turn has helped me get through the BS people try to parade around as truth.
It's like, damn, if you used half that energy just being honest, your life wouldn't be so f'ed up.
Keep picturing your sister that way, maybe even picture another family member as the dung.
The short version is I grew a backbone, began to set healthy boundaries (with the help of a trusted therapist) and within 9 months both of my parents had disowned me. Seems they only liked me when I gave them their narcissistic supply. Cut that out and I was of no more use to them. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Therapy is a wonderful thing. My first visit, my shrink asked me how my childhood was. I answered, "my childhood was great!" And I really believed it was!!!! I was brainwashed or something. As I got deeper into myself and my past, I was forced to face the fact that my childhood was like being in a war. Walking on eggshells, extreme verbal abuse, not being allowed to express my feelings and emotions. I cried that day in therapy. I had to mourn the childhood I built up in my head because it was never real. That was tough, but it helped me so much. As I started to change, my family HATED that I was in therapy.
I mentioned this is another thread, but it's something worth sharing. Each family has their own dance and each family member has their own individual steps to that dance that never ever change. If you dance the steps laid out by the family, all is well. When I started to change my dance steps, my family went on red alert doing everything they could like threatening me, yelling at me, putting me down, just to get me back in step, so to speak. I threw off the family dynamic.
I still dance to my own tune, my family hates me for it and for once, I don't care.
Mavish, I would love to hear more about your story. How did you get your family to disown you? My family refuses to give up on me and I hate it.
You posted to someone else about joined a Yahoo group called ADULT CHILDREN OF NARCASSITIC PARENTS and I joined right away. Still waiting my approval. You are right, NO ONE knows what it's like unless you lived it.
Try to focus on what brings you happiness and how to move on.
Constantly rehashing the past keeps you stuck there. Therapy is very healthy, but we must not define ourselves by child abuse. Besides being an "adult child of narcissistic parents", what other ways do you define yourself?
As an adult, you alone have control over how your life turns out.
You deserve better than having to bear the burden of your past if your family was toxic.
I had an abusive mother and enabling dad. For years, I was filled with anger and hatred against them. I came to realize that all my bitterness was poisoning my soul. I accepted that my parents were blindly repeating the cycle of the same abuse they received growing up. I don't make excuses for them, but I forgive my parents as ignorant people who knew nothing about how to raise children.
You are not ready to forgive them, but it could be useful to think about how the bitterness is affecting the new life you are trying to live. I am 30 years old...I did NOT want to end up 50 or 60 still upset about my childhood. That would be a waste of my life.
To my brethren, my mother wrote me another guilt ridden email. Notice how she keeps score of what people do for her. Also, notice how she mentions my depression can't be that bad and that even though my H is depressed he takes care of his mother. This woman KNOWS how I feel about my father and even used to agree. Now, I am the awful daughter. Notice the total lack of understanding how I am doing? It's always about them. I do not want to fight. You can't reason with idiots. I wrote back:"sorry you feel that way."
Enjoy the letter, any comments you have are welcome because I am totally screwed in the brain regarding this matter:
Where have you been????? You told me you were going to come see me last weekend. It's been almost 2 weeks since my surgery and other than the day I called you about the flowers, I haven't even heard from you. I thought you would at least call to see how I'm doing. I know you're OK because I see you bantering with Ray on FB about some actress in a blonde wig. I will admit I'm disappointed that you haven't made an effort for me during this time. Even Diana has come by without Steve asking if there is anything she can do for me and she's not my daughter. Jamie has been bringing me some meals and went to the store for me, Steve calls me all the time to see how I am, but nothing from you. Dad tells me he keeps trying to call you, but you won't answer or return calls. He keeps telling Jamie how much he misses his girl. I can understand to a degree depression, but Ray is in it deeper than you are and he takes care of his mother. I don't know what to say anymore.
My humble opinion? ...she has expressed herself. Maybe you need to clearly express yourself in return. It doesn't need to be nasty. It can be concise and without accepting the blame and guilt she is trying to put on you. It could even come down to telling her you need some distance for yourself right now (if that's the case).