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We have been a stable family...married almost 23 years. Three daughters 20 (college) 17 1/2 (high school senior) and 5 year old.
We have really never had any major problems or issues with the girls. Little things here and there. Our oldest is very school/career oriented and always has been. Hard worker, very good student, very involved. However she has gotten into trouble. When she was in high school and working at a local business at night - she one time snuck out late and drove to her boyfriends house to give him a present and I found that she was not home - called her which made her speed home and get a ticket) She lied to us and got a ticket - but I get that kids are going to do stupid things sometimes.
Our middle daughter has always been materialistic (we have never handed her anything on a platter).
We preach hard work and respect all the time. She is more street smart than book smart. We believe if she puts her mind to it - she could be an honor roll student - however she has maintained merit roll status. Mostly a B student. She says that she wants to go to college. We have not pressured her to do that. I tried to gear her toward a community college - but she really wants to go away (about an hour and half away) and was accepted. We were thrilled.
She recently started working during the end of her senior year. A job she seems to like and she makes good money. She was very excited about concerts she was going to go to, grad parties etc. Her prom was two weeks ago. The day after her prom she drove out to a picnic prom party and was stopped for speeding. She immediately called me to tell me. My husband and I were disappointed but understood and did not freak out.
Well then - last night - I got a call from the local Sheriff's office that they have her there because she was picked up for shoplifting. She was out shopping for things to go to a concert and tried shoplifting two bathing suit tops.
Needless to say I am beyond disappointed. I am hurt and sad. My husband has not even spoken to her yet. However we told her that her phone is gone, computer is gone, concert is gone, she goes to school and to work and that is it. No parties, no friend's houses....and she has to write a letter of apology to the store.
She still has to go get fingerprinted and get her mug shot and then go to court. I told her that she needs to do these things herself as my husband and I both work. I just don't get it. I don't understand why - when this was going to be "HER" summer of fun.....why would she be acting out like this.
I can't talk to her. I try - but she has never been much of a talker - wants to figure things out herself. But as odd as it sounds, I do consider us close. I just have knots in my stomach.
Maybe I have used the term "acting out" incorrectly. I just do not understand why all of a sudden - when it is the end of high school -with all kinds of plans and college and finally having money to spend on things - why a child would do this. My thinking is that deep down she does not want to leave and go to college - but she will not talk about it. And truth is - when a person is almost 18 years old - I really do not consider them a "kid" but much more an "adult". But that is just me.
Maybe I have used the term "acting out" incorrectly. I just do not understand why all of a sudden - when it is the end of high school -with all kinds of plans and college and finally having money to spend on things - why a child would do this. My thinking is that deep down she does not want to leave and go to college - but she will not talk about it. And truth is - when a person is almost 18 years old - I really do not consider them a "kid" but much more an "adult". But that is just me.
True, socially and legally they are adults.
Mentally/emotionally no way and the teen years are the stupidest of them all.
What makes you think she doesn`t want to go off to college?
It`s so hard to talk to them at this age because "They know everything!" and you`re often stuck trying to divine their thoughts and needs with little success.
I am comparing her actions and attitudes about the preparing for college to that of our first one attending college. I really do not try to compare my children to each other - but that is the only true measure that I have with regards to this. I am the one that has to keep on her to get things done in regards to getting ready for college. And with college looming so close - why would you start doing stupid things?
Please do not misunderstand me - I WANT her to go. I think she needs to get out of our small town and be on her own.
However - now with the things that she is starting to do - I am a little apprehensive about it thinking that maybe she is not ready.
Believe me, I did stupid things when I was her age. And I remember them like yesterday. It is harder when it is your own kids.
I agree with the others - what she's done is pretty minor and not freak-out worthy.
I have two boys 22 and 20 and a daughter 18. My oldest has a criminal record because of something really stupid he did when he was 18. My daughter was caught shoplifting at age 13. The cops actually put her in handcuffs then a holding cell and scared the crap out of her - she never did it again. She is also bulimic, not purging lately thankfully. Middle son got suspended from school many times for smoking and smoking pot. I've had photo radar speeding tickets and parking tickets come in the mail from them driving. I've had neighbours at the door telling me the boys were fighting outside and they almost called the cops.
Thankfully they have mostly grown up now and I think we're through the worst of it. They all live away from home right now, so it's easy for me to look back and say it wasn't that bad. But looking back I am thankful - it could have been a LOT worse.
Anyway, don't sweat it - she's young and has to make her own mistakes. It sounds like your first one was exceptionally straight-arrowed - which is unfortunate for the 17 year old now.
Honestly, in my opinion, the punishment you've given her seems extreme to me. I always believed that consequences should be logical. In the shoplifting case with my daughter, she was scared ****less already and I didn't hand out anything else at home. What the cops did was enough. Taking away her phone etc. is just asking for her to rebel further - I have never been a fan of 'grounding' for older teens. They just do what I did - climb out the window and hitchhike into town.
Hope - We rarely grounded our kids. They never really needed to be grounded. However - when we did - they know that they went over the limits. I believe in taking away what is most important to them - even if it is for only a week. I do hope that the being taken to the sheriffs office scared the SH*T out of her because it should. And I hope that me telling her how disappointed I was in her - made her feel bad. I am hoping that there will be NO strike three! And I pray that this is as bad as it will get!
Lots of parents disagree with me Of course it shouldn't be ignored - believe me, there were many tears shed and discussions that happened after my daughter was caught. My reasoning is that to punish like that gets to not mean anything to the kid after a while. And eventually they just ignore it and do what they want. Or leave home at 16 like I did.
Ahh late teens and early twenties. Sorry to hear she is starting to do stupid things, but I imagine this probably won't be the last stupid thing she does in her life. But hopefully she will learn something from this, if not, next time let her spend the night in jail.
Lots of parents disagree with me Of course it shouldn't be ignored - believe me, there were many tears shed and discussions that happened after my daughter was caught. My reasoning is that to punish like that gets to not mean anything to the kid after a while. And eventually they just ignore it and do what they want. Or leave home at 16 like I did.
Yup, that was like my ex husbands daughter. He grounded her for an entire summer, and it just didn't make much of an impression. She had nothing to lose, so she didn't care and she went out of her way to get into trouble more.
I was also somewhat like that, and I left my parents home at 17.
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17 yr old daughter starting to act out 
Of course it shouldn't be ignored - believe me, there were many tears shed and discussions that happened after my daughter was caught. My reasoning is that to punish like that gets to not mean anything to the kid after a while. And eventually they just ignore it and do what they want. Or leave home at 16 like I did.
