[toughparentomaha]

Background: My fiance's visitation is set-up as the children are to be at his home before and after school every day, every Wed overnight on his non-weekends, Wed from 5-8pm on his weekends and then Thursday - Sunday at 6pm. It's a stupid schedule the judge set-up. Because ex moved across street from boys high school, fiance & ex compromised and kids started staying at our home every Wednesday overnight and Sundays overnight on his weekend to avoid driving to our house then back to school.

Now that summer vacation has started, she has demanded to go back to the original visitation schedule (2 years later), much to the kids dismay.

The kids (ages 17, 15, & 13) are so tired of being stuck in the middle of these games, but are too afraid of their mom to speak up. She punishes them and makes them feel guilty for wanting to be at our home. She'll start crying saying the kids like me more than them. Its a very sad situation for these kids.

Ex has also started having her dad and her fiance do the "fatherly" things with the boys - shaving lessons, getting permits & licenses, working on 17 year old's car etc. instead of letting them do it with their dad as they ask her to do. She states that "Grandpa will be very sad if he can't do that with you." So the kids go along with it because they hate to feel guilty.

My fiance is just broken up about all this. He loves his time with his kids and wishes he could have more, but has accepted this situation as it was less stressful on the kids than to keep fighting in Court. It's been 5 years since the divorce started and 2 since it was finalized.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? It breaks my heart to watch my fiance crying at night because his kids are forced to choose against being with him, and are forced to do these things with their Grandpa & future step-dad instead of being allowed to do it with their dad. I am frustrated because he doesn't know how to deal with this betrayal anymore than he knew how to deal with her betrayal when she cheated on him and left him 5 years ago.

He is a much more effective parent than when we first met. he was the "fun" guy then. Now there are boundaries and rules, which the kids have really responded well to. I don't know - it's just so hard!!!

[DanF]

If it is court ordered, then there is nothing he can do except take her back to court over it.

[toughparentomaha]

I understand that Court is probably where this is headed. I just wish she could learn to co-parent as is "court-ordered". She is adamant about pushing the items in the decree that suit her needs, but completely ignores those like JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY that do not. She has never consulted with him on a single thing regarding the kids, she just arbitrarily makes decisions and tells him about it.

[lamaga]

My H's ex does the same thing regarding manipulating the kids through emotion -- because she throws fits and makes them unhappy, my H just caves into her, no matter how unreasonable the demand.

Alas, they are not my children, so I've had to disengage a little bit. You can't really control this, only your husband can. And if the arrangement is court-ordered, then he cannot even control that.

Fortunately they are getting old enough to have a voice, so perhaps he can work on empowering them to say "no" when they need to?

Not an easy spot, I agree. I feel for you.