[cellokiwi]

Hello all. I am new to the forum. I am desperate for some help. Here is the back story:
My sister, mother, and I have always been extremely close. My father was a dead-beat dad from when I was three and so we all bonded to overcome difficulties. I love them dearly. That being said...

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for almost 4. Ever since I started dating him there has been friction with my family. At first my sister downright didn't like him because I think she could tell he was my "one" and that meant things would imminently be changing. Now, years later, the problem has escalated. My sister gets mad at me if I don't want to come to "spend the nights" with her and my mom (they live together an hour and a half away from me and my husband). As my mom is retired and my sister is a teacher they both have all summer off. When I say I can't take time off for a trip I get told I don't love my family anymore. If I dare try to spend time with my husband's family I am guilt tripped and told that I only ever spend my time with his side. This is ridiculous as his family is a state away and we see them once, maybe twice, a year.

I feel like I can no longer move or do anything without setting my family off. I cannot go ANYWHERE out of town without them becoming angry if they are not on the trip. How do I fix this? I know they love me and a fear of change is what is driving this. How can I assure them that I don't love them any less... that I just now need to share my time between them and others? Thanks for any advice!

[FirstYearDown]

While it is touching that your family wants to be close to you, they are being too clingy and controlling. You are a grown married woman who can do whatever she wants with her time.

When they start the guilt trips, you can simply call them on it. "I am not going to allow you to guilt me into not spending time with my husband." Married people are supposed to spend nights WITH EACH OTHER.

[that_girl]

Yea...put your foot down and just do what you know is right. Husbands/wives come first. When that doesn't happen, you find yourself alone.

[EleGirl]

You might want to write them a letter that 'puts your foot down'.

Just tell them your priorities are husband first. Then both of your families second, equally.

If you are ok with visitng them over night, say once or twice a year tell them that you will plan do to so ... even give the months when you will do it.

If you tell them your schedule/plan in advance, they then will know when to expect you.

And, if they want to spend time with you so much.. can they travel to your town, stay in a hotel and do daytime activities? Something like lunch maybe once in a while?

Why does it have to be you traveling to their town?

Same with his family? Do they ever vist you? Or do you always have to go to them?

[cellokiwi]

Thank you for the helpful replies. The advice seems sound, just easier said than implemented. Has anyone else had this problem with their families?

[Hicks]

Your mother and sister are abusive users who only care about themselves. Your husband is probably a good man and is not getting the full you becuase you are spending energy trying to please abusers. I hope you can recognize that the right thing to do in life is focus on being a great wife to your husband, a great mother to your chilren, and if need be put walls up between yourself and anyone who gets in the way of doing what is right in life.

[Jellybeans]

The problem is with them. They are the ones acting like idiots.

I'd call them out on it and say "I am married now. I spend the evenings with my husband. I'd love to spend time with you though and if one day I can swing it and spend a night there, I will. You getting irritated over this is irritating me."

[lamaga]

I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for your husband, knowing that you will not stand up for your marriage.

When will you stand up for your marriage? You are not a child. Set boundaries, now. It's not going to get any easier.

[sweetpea]

You and your husband should discuss how much time visiting your family is acceptable to the both of you.

Encourage your family to visit you! Having your sister and mom visit you more often gives them the opportunity to see y'all more often as couple rather than separate individuals

The most important thing is to have boundaries with your family and keep the boundaries firm. Having boundaries in place gives you the space that you need from your family, and at the same time gives your relationship with your husband the respect it deserves!

Good luck!


Good luck!

[FirstYearDown]

I have the problem of my mother being nosy and trying to dictate how we do things in our marriage. When my husband and I would go visit, she would demand that I serve him the way she is a slave to my dad. "Go get your husband tea! He wants some!" I just kept telling her that we weren't going to have the same marriage.

She also kept pushing the grandchildren issue when we told her we were going to be childfree. "It's all because of your husband! If you were with a man that wanted to have kids, you would have babies." "It's not good that he doesn't want children. Talk about it on the honeymoon." The pressure only stopped once I told her that my husband had a vasectomy. I also told my dear father, who speaks to my mother on my behalf when she doesn't listen. My mother hates when that happens.

We ended up eloping to get away from my mother because she was turning our wedding into her celebration. You would have thought she was getting married. One reason we eloped was to show her that our marriage is about US and nobody else.

It's all about being firm and realizing that you alone control your life, as an adult.

[Mavash.]

Hicks nailed it. Your family is abusive, controlling, manipulative and selfish.

What's driving them is fear. Fear that they will literally die without your being part of that unhealthy trio that started when your dad bailed. Parents are supposed to let their children leave the nest not cling to them as if their very lives depended on them.

Now you get to choose. Them or your marriage. It really is quite simple. And the fact that they are forcing you to choose makes them selfish and unhealthy.

So what's it going to be?

[Maricha75]

Originally Posted by cellokiwi

Thank you for the helpful replies. The advice seems sound, just easier said than implemented. Has anyone else had this problem with their families?

No, not really. My family has always been close-knit. The first few years, I would tell my mom pretty much everything that was going on. She seriously wanted to talk on the phone every. single. day! I got tired of it, but didn't know how to stop it. Finally, I just told her "look, mom, I love you, but we can't talk EVERY day! I need to be able to do things with my family and I can't be doing that if I'm on the phone to you all the time." She didn't like it, but she had no choice. My allegiance is to my husband. We became one on the day we signed that piece of paper. My parents and sisters are now my EXTENDED family. My MAIN family is my husband and my kids. So, it isn't a case of "easier said than done"... Just DO IT!

[specwar]

They want you to be like them is the short answer. They want to cling to the girls time because it was fun.

Your life has changed and they and you are being disrespectful to your family by not wanting to acknowledge that you lives are different.

It is the equivalent of the single women wanting the married women to go with them to the bar. Do I need to finish that story to tell you how that turns out? Life is about balance. Once in a while you spend time with them. But most of the time your energy goes into your family and being with them. If they want to come see you then that is fine.

If you want to know what their motives are then invite them to come see you and your family every now and then. If it is about seeing you then they will come. If they can't because they are (busy) then you will know that they simply don't respect your decisions and want to pretend that you are not married.

In my opinion

[SadDays]

Originally Posted by cellokiwi

Thank you for the helpful replies. The advice seems sound, just easier said than implemented. Has anyone else had this problem with their families?

I am sort of in this situation but actually, my mother's mother is like this. She is very controlling and things must be her way. I love her very much and it is only in my adulthood that I have learned about issues.
My mother was always put into positions and my grandmother did not like my dad.
My mother always put my dad first- they were married- a unit. It caused a LOT of problems.
My grandmother wanted everyone to be to holidays with her and the family and even my dads mother told him to just go, it's ok, just keep the peace. It wasn't right. Believe me, there were a lot more issues.

You put your husband first and realize that it is not your responsibility to change how your mother and sister feel. It is also not your fault that they feel this way. It is highly dysfunctional and it WILL be a lifelong struggle that you CANNOT WIN.
Put your husband first, be loving and show your mom and sister their special place in your heart and life, and just know that the problem is not you and you can't do much to remedy it. Be loyal to your husband as he is to be first and you should be first to him too.

[F-102]

Please, use this as a LAST RESORT ONLY:

My sister's friend had a similar situation as yours. Her father left, and her mother and sisters clung together, and when she could no longer take the guilt trips from her mother, she said. "Mom, I'm going to put MY MARRIAGE and MY HUSBAND first. And if I'm right, he won't leave like someone else did 20 years ago!"

Eventually, her mother got the message.