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Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
My husband and I have two children, 5 girl & 2 boy. When we were dating we would talk about family and I have always told him that I wanted 4 kids. He never gave me any doubt that it was a problem with him. We were very young when our daughter was born, and after having her we planned out our second child. During that pregnancy I never thought it was going to be my last. It wasn't until after our son was born that he said he didn't want anymore. We did not know what we were having with him, so I feel that it was a waiting game to see if he was going to be having a boy before saying anything.
My son is two and a half now, and I have been talking to my husband for roughly 10 months about another child. He goes back and forth at times. He is active military and was away from us for six months, when he was with us again he said he wanted another, but quickly went back to not wanting another.
I am in such pain to think that I will never have more children. I cry almost every night as I lay next to him in bed. I am angry with him and feel that I am starting to resent him for this. I don't want to be this way. I want to respect his wishes and come to terms with not having anymore children, but I am so worried that the way I feel now is just going to keep growing.
I started a family young and I want to finish young. I have set myself on a clock and will not have anymore children after I am 30. Maybe this plays a part in how I feel too. I love my husband, but I am so worried that this issue may destroy us. Even if we were to have more children, I fear he would grow to resent me. And I am already starting to feel like I resent him.
I try to get him to talk about this, but he doesn't ever say anything other than, "I just don't want anymore." and "I feel guilty for my reasons." I told him I need to talk about it, I need to be angry, and allow myself to go through the emotions, and I want him to as well. I am just so lost, I don't want to have bad feeling towards him, but right now I do.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga
It's a fine answer.
It's nicer than what I would have said.
I am sorry but I feel this answer is rather distasteful.
I am not ungrateful for the two children that I currently have. I thank God for them everyday. In no is my wanting more children, suppose to offend or disrespect those who cannot. I felt that this was a community for support rather than judgement. Lamaga, if you feel this is not a topic that you can provide support then why would you respond, rather than just move on.
My husband and I, in all other ways are okay. I have talked with him about other ways of having more children as well. Such as adoption. It is not that I want a "baby". If we ever were to adopt, I told him I would hope we would find an older child that need a loving home.
His reasons are not strong in my mind, It is like he just doesn't want to have to "buy all the baby things again" or "buy a van". He fears the possibility of leaving me here alone with "all the kids" when he has to deploy. He says there are more reasons, but never gives them to me.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
I can relate to you wanting more children. I had always wanted three kids, but my husband didn't want anymore after two. We had two kids close together and my husband was worried about our fiances. I was angry and resentful of him not wanting more children. I went to counseling because my anger hurting my marriage
I never found it helpful when friends or family told me that I should be happy to be blessed with two children. They were right but it doesn't make you feel any better. I had always imagined my life with three children and I had to grieve the loss of my dream.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
Sweetpea, Thank you for that response. I do plan to go to counseling. We just moved to a new location and I am going to the doctor in a week, but I have to get a referral from him before I can see one. I do hope that this will help I am just worried that it will not. I always saw my future with four children, and to me I am grieving the thought of not having them just as I would grieve for other things.
Did your counseling help? I am proud of my husband for standing strong even when he sees how much this hurts me. But I still can't restrain the anger I feel.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
Ada, you are 23 and you have 2 children. What have you done about your post-secondary education? Any college? Any vocational training? What will you do if your husband leaves you next week, or dies next year? How will you support yourself?
How will you and your husband send two children to college, much less four? How will you pay for their piano lessons and their math tutors and their sports uniforms?
What have the demands of child care done to your sexual life? Do you give your husband the attention he needs, or does it all go to your children? Could that be why he is reluctant to have even more babies around?
What is missing in yourself that would be fulfilled with two more children? Not one, not three, two more. TWO. Is this a real need, or is this some girlish dream that you are trying to fulfill?
These are questions that a counselor would ask.
And you are being very unrealistic, in my opinion.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
He may be worried about finances, and about losing your attention if you bury yourself in motherhood. If money is the issue, let him know how budget conscious you are.
Would you be willing to compromise with 3 children? Keep talking to him about this, and be patient with him. Let him know that you want this important decision to be agreeable to both of you. Make sure that you address his concerns, and do not pressure him with angry, emotional arguments that will make him feel trapped.
Re: Having a hard time coping with not having more children.
Lamaga, As I have been going through other threads, I see your hard and closed demeanor. Of what I have read I find none of your responses useful or helpful, but only as a way to attack others. What is lacking in your life to treat others as such, Are you that much better than most?
The questions you stated, are in fact not your business, and if a counselor would ask them, it would not be an issue to respond. But to ease my distaste for you. My husband gets attention from me, it is not all given to the children. My children are WELL taken care of. Both my husband and I have college degrees. Why would you even assume that due to my AGE, we are not able to care for our children, and their needs and desires. Being a Military Wife, my career life is that of an army wife, I work only because I want to, in no way do I need to. Our ability to provide for our children is no issue, nor is any of your concern.
I am asking for advice from others who may have been in the same issue, or from someone that, again I say, would be able to offer support. I do not need to be attacked.
Please keep to your own, if you have nothing worth wild to say.
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Having a hard time coping with not having more children. 
