[FirstYearDown]

I notice that there are so many threads about dealing with difficult MIL's. It is an age old problem that so many DIL's can relate to.

My MIL in favors me over her other DIL. This is likely because I did not "steal" her favorite son from her-my husband's brother is her golden child. It could also be that I interact with my mother-in-law in a manner which is respectful and loving. Unlike my SIL, I do not mock my MIL or look for reasons to be upset. While I sympathize with my SIL, I think she can be oversensitive and rude to my MIL.

My MIL is a matriarchal type who is also jealous of her son's wives. She did not receive the attention or doting that her DIL's did and this makes my MIL angry. I will share what worked for me and hopefully it can help the DIL's out:

1.) Remember that your MIL raised a good man for you. She can't be all bad if she raised such a nice son.

2.) Be respectful when interacting with your MIL. Even when she is rude, be magnanimous and polite. Refrain from sinking to her level if she is swearing or shouting.

3.) Let your husband handle any problems you have with his mother. Blood talks to blood and he knows the best way to discuss issues with his mom.

4.) Do not constantly torment your husband with every little thing his mom does wrong. It gets annoying and it is much better to pick your fights-let some things go and keep the serious discussions for huge issues.

5.) Always be a united front with your husband. No talking about personal marriage problems with either set of parents. Support each other when handling in-law problems.

6.) If parents are too meddling and cantankerous, keep them at an arm's length. At the same time, try to understand that they no longer feel as needed in their adult child's life and the meddlesome behaviour is compensating for that loss.

7.) If the relationship is civil, try to reach out to your MIL. I call mine without having my husband around and we shoot the breeze. My MIL greatly appreciates my warmth and she brags about how what a "wonderful girl" I am. That woman never lets one of my birthday's pass without a nice card. She has sent care packages as well.

I realize that these tips are much easier said than done. I am not saying that this is the only or best way to handle MIL's...once again, I am just offering my opinion.

[YinPrincess]

I'm really taking this advice to heart - thank you so much for this post!
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[golfergirl]

Originally Posted by YinPrincess

I'm really taking this advice to heart - thank you so much for this post!
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Or they could just move like mine did!!!!
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[YinPrincess]

I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
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[golfergirl]

Originally Posted by YinPrincess

I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
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My MIL is fine towards me but I can never forgive what she's done to my husband. From abandoning him as a toddler to move in with AP, to kidnapping him and taking him away from his dad when he was 6 to never see him again until his mid-thirties. Or bringing him to live with a step-father that starved and abused her kids. Or maybe it's that she bad-mouths her son to me (I'm not talking bad about him or confiding in her) or tries to get money from us and her granddaughter. Nope better she lives FAAAAR away!
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[FirstYearDown]

My MIL lives far away too. It is easier that way.

[time2heal]

#7 makes me think of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, and soft fluffy kittens.

I'm a lot a bit jealous.

Then I see your last post. Good fences make good neighbors. Likewise, In-laws that you don't have have to deal with very often, make good In-laws.

[cherokee96red]

Originally Posted by YinPrincess

I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
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The same lesson has been taught to me. For 25 years she never failed to tell me I was her fave in law,period. She kept saying that even in the midst of everything that was going down btwn me and her son. But since the new year she has effectively turned her back on me. She did something that I felt very disrespected by, I brought it to her attention and explained why I felt like that and that was the last communication we had. She just visited DS and his family recently, asked about me and DS just said I was doing fine and come to see them whenever I can, then he dropped the subject.

She's never expressed any amount of regret about what was done or even bothered to explain why she did what she did, just tells everyone that I'm angry at her without further elaboration. All I can say now is "whatever" and go on.

OTOH, I am trying hard to be the kind of MIL that my DIL is happy to have in her life.

[FirstYearDown]

Originally Posted by time2heal

#7 makes me think of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, and soft fluffy kittens.

I'm a lot a bit jealous.

Then I see your last post. Good fences make good neighbors. Likewise, In-laws that you don't have have to deal with very often, make good In-laws.

Funny.
It has not been all rainbows and kittens, believe me.

My MIL has made some nasty comments to my face. I let my husband handle it and she said some very nasty things to him. At least she knew how we felt.

When we stayed in her house the first time, I did not feel relaxed because my MIL complained if we had a nap. She also said I shouldn't eat cupcakes because I was too fat and needed to walk.

When we visit this summer, we will be staying with my BIL and his wife. I need to be able to eat what I want without being called fat or have a nap without being nagged at.

She would never say that I was her favorite DIL, but my husband told me that I am. I also see a huge difference in the way I am treated vs the way she treats my SIL. My SIL is a sweet and hardworking woman, but that doesn't stop my MIL from hating her. She is also an excellent mother to our niece.

[Jimena]

Has anyone else had MIL issues, not because your husband was the favorite, but because his mother resents him?

[FirstYearDown]

My MIL resents both of her children. She has said more than once that she wishes she never had kids, only because her sons stand up for their wives when she is rude and inappropriate.

[time2heal]

Face to face my mother in law and I get along fine. I just make sure that face to face thing is as few and far between as possible. What it really comes down to, is the fact that she gets my husband so worked up and upset. I don't like anybody who treats my spouse like that. Even if that person gave birth to him.

She knows how to push his buttons. And too many of those buttons involve dragging me into things. that's another thing I dislike about her.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by FirstYearDown

5.) Always be a united front with your husband. No talking about personal marriage problems with either set of parents. Support each other when handling in-law problems.

We followed this rule and it resulted in my mom feeling distant from my wife. It created more MIL problems but the opposite would have driven me away from my wife.

My brother married first and my mom and SIL were very close. Every little detail in my brother's marriage was relayed to my mom through my SIL. About 5 years into the marriage my brother just left, breaking contact with both STBXW and my parents for several years. They're back talking but my new SIL keeps her distance.

My sister married a few years after me and the exact same dynamic played out, including my sister going dark from STBXH and my parents.

I think it all comes down to my mom trying to be a big time helicopter parent. I wanted none of it, and neither did my wife.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by Jimena

Has anyone else had MIL issues, not because your husband was the favorite, but because his mother resents him?

Not because my mother resents me. What my mom resents is that my wife would never let me treat her the way my dad treated my mom. Mom never stood up for herself and let dad walk all over her. She'd pull passive aggressive tactics to no end, but never stood up to him.

My wife has always been respectful in how she disagreed, but she would never let me disregard her wishes.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by YinPrincess

I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!

Unfortunately I've found this out far too late. My mom has brain cancer and even if she survives, her brain is far too damaged to ever go into anything deep and meaningful.

I didn't find out until my SIL confided in me after my mom was sick. My mom has been talking cr@p about my wife to my brother and sister. They've bought it all.