The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I just need some help sorting my thoughts out. I will try to keep it short and apologize for any typos. A broken wrist, cast and pain medication make accurate typing a challenge.
My husband's behavior is becoming intolerable with me, my family and his family. We have no kids, but he two from his previous marriage. Both are grown with family of their own. He becomes estranged from them, but then reconnects to only disconnect again. There's never a full connection made, if that makes sense. He's currently working on reconnection with one, but it's shaky. He talks sporadically to his son and wife through Facebook. His son recently proposed getting together for lunch so my husband could start to get to know his grandkids better. My husband told his son he wanted to get to know the kids. When the lunch proposal was offered, my husband nixed it. He told his son he understood his (son's) busy life, but it was too soon and didn't want to complicate the son's life. This confused the son and has minimized his contact with his dad. I'm aware I can't force my husband to increase contact so I observe from afar. He rarely talks about it, but I know he's very unhappy about this estrangement. From my view, he doesn't do much to help the connection except a few notes on Facebook to the oldest. He rarely talks to his youngest.
The biggest problem for me is his behavior with my family. Ten years or so ago, my parents came to visit us at our new house (first home). My dad brought my dog, guessing I wanted her back. It wasn't discussed prior to their visit and my husband exploded with anger at him. This hurt my dad very much. My dad's response was to immediately take my dog and mom back home. He never visited nor stayed at our home again. They visited us, but would stay in a hotel and only go out to dinner.
After my dad passed, my mom and brother would come to stay with us. Now, after several angry confrontations from my husband, my brother has declared he doesn't need my husband's abuse and will not return. I'm pretty certain my mom will be next to retreat from our life when something she does upsets my husband.
He's not intentionally trying to chase family away, but his behavior does. It just seems to be getting worse. It's upsetting to him. He's told me he has an "honor system" deep inside of him and when someone isn't doing right by his "honor system", he's going to let them know. Confusing, right? He says there is no flexibility in his "honor system." In the meantime, I've told him I won't allow him to chase my family away.
So now, I'm predicting another pending outburst towards my brother. I had told my husband last night of my brother's decision to move. This has made my husband angry at him as he feels my brother is abandoning my mom. I don't feel this way and have told him such. But what I feel doesn't matter.
Anyway, there seems to be so many negative dynamics that occur with all the relationships. I know I can't change my husband, but how can I stop this negative trend of estrangement that keeps occurring.
He's not intentionally trying to chase family away, but his behavior does. It just seems to be getting worse. It's upsetting to him. He's told me he has an "honor system" deep inside of him and when someone isn't doing right by his "honor system", he's going to let them know. Confusing, right? He says there is no flexibility in his "honor system." In the meantime, I've told him I won't allow him to chase my family away.
Oh, CW. That's not an honor system. That's an angry, controlling person trying to justify his very bad behavior.
Given your story, I'm not sure I believe that you won't allow him to drive your family away, and I'm really sure that he doesn't believe it. After all, it worked with your dad, your dog, and your brother -- he's 3 for 4 and closing in on mom, so I'm sure he feels pretty confident about that.
I hope you will get some counseling to help you deal with this very unpleasant situation. And I hesitate to ask, but I sense it's relevant...how did you break your wrist? Who broke your wrist?
Sorry to create suspicion's about my wrist. It was an honest accident with me, rollerblades, and a cursed rock on the trail. With multiple fractures and needing pins, it might meet our deductible. Its possible I could see a counselor fairly inexpensively for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I don't understand this inflexible honor code thing either. He chases his own kids away wih it. Who does that? Posted via Mobile Device
Controlling, angry, disturbed men do that. Yes, go to counseling.
Of course, he's the one who ought to go, but it's the same old thing in families -- one person is crazy, and everyone goes to counseling to deal with them. Sigh. Hang in there.
Sorry for the suspicion about your wrist, but it would fit.
The incident with my dad was 10 years ago so I don't really remember what was said. It was all verbal though. He doesn't throw things or hit. He's got the "gift of gab" though.
Limiting my friends is not an option. My friends are nice people. He does find fault in all of them though. He's extremely judgmental. I'm sure that's no surprise.
Limiting my actions, I would say most definitely. He's very critical of what I say or do with friends/family. This may sound terrible, but I try to separate from him during social gatherings so I don't have to listen to him detailing every social infraction he thinks I made. Posted via Mobile Device
So the incident with the dog was 10 years ago. Then please describe a recent incident, what happened, what your husband's points were, and how he acted out? Yelled? berated someone? hit things? threw things? What was his rule that was violated?
The thing is I don't see or hear what happens. He's very private about taking his anger out on the person directly. Its only after its happened I know his anger got the best of him again. My brother won't talk about I with me, since I have to live with my husband. With my husbands kids and their wives, its all on FB messaging. When something has angered my husband with them, he deletes all their messages them blocks them for awhile.
I can guess the scenes are similar to what I have gone through. He has since stopped for the most part. When he goes into his anger mode now, I just leave for awhile. I tried shutting the door and locking it, but he just threatens to knock it open. He never has done this, of course. Someone would have to fix it then. Leaving the house is the best recourse.
As far as the dog/dad incident, it was 10 years ago and just some background history. But your question of rule violations made me think some more. It seems his rules are embedded in this honor code thing. We've had arguments about how I should know what he thinks or how I should be acting. To him its normal and he shouldn't have to explain himself. I think this is where I gave up and quit caring what he thought about me. The standards were set way too high for me to even having the chance of success. Posted via Mobile Device
I suppose you have told him that you are not a mind reader so he has to tell you what he expects. Just keep repeating it every time he's holding you to something that you do not know about.
Also tell him that since you do not know what his 'honor code' is, you will live the way you feel is right.
About the rest of the stuff with family... since you have no details to share, the only advice that I can come up with is to just let him be him and you be you. Figure out how you can deal with it.
So here it is a week or so later and I'm finally back. Surgery for pins was completed last Thursday and the pain is now managed with Tylenol only. Good thing as the Lortab was making me sick and incredibly loopy.
Yes EleGirl, I have told him numerous times I can't read his mind nor do I expect him to read mine. I just try to stay true to myself, which can cause conflict.
I have had some long conversations with my brother over the past several days. He indicated my husband had gotten better with the interactions, but feels he's gotten much worse over the past few years. I can't disagree with his assessment. My brother's latest quandary is we both have birthdays coming up and my mother wants to take us to dinner. This, of course, includes my husband. My brother does not want to be in my husband's presence, but would if my husband wouldn't inflect all of his judgmental opinions against him. Again, my husband does not agree with my brother's upcoming move. I told my brother it's his choice about whether to attend the dinner. I also gave him the option of me not inviting my husband, but he didn't like this idea as he knows I would be taking on my husband with this. My mother, bless her heart, even stepped up and said she could stop him from any outbursts just so she can take her kids to dinner. I hate the fact that as private as my husband makes his altercations with others, it tends to involve everyone. I do believe my brother is going to decide on the dinner together and subject himself to my husband's probable judgment. I have been, on the side, talking with my husband attempting to lessen such a conflict. At this time, I only discuss it when he brings it up or when I have new information, such as my mother's decision to stay where she is located and not move closer to me. My husband disagrees with this as well, and is quite vocal about it to me. He's pretty inflexible when he thinks something is right and doesn't readily listen to other viewpoints on the matter. I predict this will be the major fight directed towards and with my mom.
Oh, CW. That's not an honor system. That's an angry, controlling person trying to justify his very bad behavior.
This.
An "honor system" should be a set of personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are not meant to control others. They're meant to be guidelines for how you will allow others to treat you. Your husband's "honor system" sounds more like him trying to control others by setting boundaries for them, not himself. By doing so, he's stomping all over everybody else's personal boundaries.
Instead of allowing him to do that, you and anyone else who wants to be a part of his life will need to strengthen your own boundaries in order to protect yourselves (e.g. "If you provoke fights at family events, I will no longer invite you"). Your husband probably won't like this, so you need to be prepared for his behavior to worsen at first.
I second the recommendation for IC for yourself. It can be great for helping you work on your own boundaries.
Your hubby needs to learn a few things abut family life. His honor system (that i fully understand because i also have one) needs to include acceptance of family, even when they are flawed.
How is the relation with other members of HIS family? Does he act the same?
Costa, yes, he does act this way with his family. In the beginning post I talk about his estrangement with his kids. He has a shaky relationship with his sister, but curbs it due to them sharing in palliative care for their senior dad. Each, sister and my husband, have individually told me they're going "tell each other off" and cut contact with each other after their dad passes. His ex-wife has snapped at him a few times over the years due to his estrangement with the kids, but for the most part she just remains cold and distant from him. This angers him and he's very jealous of his ex-wife's involvement with their kids. He basically states she's never done anything for them and she gets all the attention. He also resents her for her coolness to him, but she's very cordial and quite kind to me. He doesn't understand this, to which I explain she would have no reason to dislike me.
Anyway, this thing with my brother is starting to get on my nerves. He's now bringing it up almost daily and gets upset that I'm not understanding his viewpoints on it. I tell him I do hear his side of it, but I feel differently about it. This begins the heated discussion of why we're even together when we never agree on things. I state we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this, but he's the type who needs full agreement with his way of thinking. It tends to spiral downwards from there. It's now the whole basis of our relationship and success/failure of it. He will then angrily tell me to never talk bad about his sister again. She was never part of the conversation, but he always equates any discussion of my brother with his sister. Honestly, I don't even understand why he's so upset about this. My brother is a grown man who is entitled to live his life where he chooses, which shouldn't concern my husband. Ugh! I'm just starting to get really frustrated about this and wonder what the next dramatic thing will be with him. Oh, and there will be something. He just seems to thrive on being angry about something, but he has his kind side too.
Sorry, it's been rough this week with all of this, so I'm venting a bit. We went to two functions this week with my friends and he ended up in heated discussions at both. He ended up leaving the group we were sitting with and went to sit with another. My friends just kept saying how sorry they were and that they weren't trying to upset him. I just let out a quiet sigh and hoped he was going to be able to curb his anger to not take it out on me. Fortunately, he did manage and didn't say a word to me about it.
By the way, seeing a counselor is going to be on the back-burner for awhile. I checked our insurance and it's not in our policy. We're more than likely going to meet our deductible with my surgery, so that will keep our belts pretty tight this year.
3Likes
Family and husband 
She was never part of the conversation, but he always equates any discussion of my brother with his sister. Honestly, I don't even understand why he's so upset about this. My brother is a grown man who is entitled to live his life where he chooses, which shouldn't concern my husband. Ugh! I'm just starting to get really frustrated about this and wonder what the next dramatic thing will be with him. Oh, and there will be something. He just seems to thrive on being angry about something, but he has his kind side too.
