The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
My IL's aren't peachy either but I believe in picking your battles. We only saw them 2X a year so I sucked it up and stayed with them. But for the most part they behaved themselves. As they aged they got worse and they began to go after my kids. That's when we drew the line and started staying in a hotel. I'll tolerate quite a bit if it's only temporary but don't mess with my kids.
I do get along with my MIL better than my SIL. I think this is because I pick my fights and swallow my words out of love for my husband. Of course, this is easier since I am far away.
It also comes down to upbringing because I was raised in a very strict and rule bound culture, where younger people respect and tolerate elders. I wouldn't dream of mocking my MIL the way I see my SIL doing.
Just spoke to my MIL to let her know we are coming to her house. She talked about a care package she was sending us home with-this is what I don't understand! One minute my MIL is sweet as candy and other times my she is a snarling dragon.
One minute my MIL is sweet as candy and other times my she is a snarling dragon.
My IL's are like this. I believe they are messed up from childhood abuse. I don't hold it against them but I did keep them at arms length.
I'm at the end of this chapter of my life. My MIL passed away last month and my FIL is 91 (living in a nursing home). They are no longer a threat to anyone and their house is now empty and about to be sold.
So my comfort to you is one day this too shall pass. It always does. It goes by so fast. I've been visiting my IL's for 23 years now and it's hard to believe it's almost completely over.
My IL's are like this. I believe they are messed up from childhood abuse. I don't hold it against them but I did keep them at arms length.
I'm at the end of this chapter of my life. My MIL passed away last month and my FIL is 91 (living in a nursing home). They are no longer a threat to anyone and their house is now empty and about to be sold.
So my comfort to you is one day this too shall pass. It always does. It goes by so fast. I've been visiting my IL's for 23 years now and it's hard to believe it's almost completely over.
Yes, it will pass. Luckily I rarely see my in laws.
I am looking forward to enjoying some wine with my SIL, playing with our niece and enjoying the clean country air. It is nice to get away from the city during the summer.
My IL's aren't peachy either but I believe in picking your battles. We only saw them 2X a year so I sucked it up and stayed with them. But for the most part they behaved themselves. As they aged they got worse and they began to go after my kids. That's when we drew the line and started staying in a hotel. I'll tolerate quite a bit if it's only temporary but don't mess with my kids.
According to Turnera, it is weak to suck it up because you care about your husband's parents, who hardly see their son. You and I better go find divorce lawyers to get away from our spineless husbands!
I find that when I have compassion for my MIL, I feel better about the relationship I have with her. The rare insults come from a very wounded place of jealousy and bitterness, along with strongly suspected untreated mental illness. I try to be remember the acts of kindness and generosity, such the party she threw for my husband and I because we eloped or the care packages.
Yes and I see my husband as a man who has stood up for me on many occasions. Nothing we say to my MIL is going to change her behavior; she is like a spoiled toddler who needs all attention to be on her or else the sniping starts.
It was never our idea to stay with my MIL in the first place; my SIL is nervous about being in the eye of a hurricane with my MIL's tantrums and so she does not want to be blamed. I have seen the rampages and they are not pretty to say the least-weeping and listing all that she does for her sons.
Someone once asked me if I loved my MIL. I responded with: "I love her as my husband's mother." That means that because of her importance in my husband's life, I tolerate much more than I would from anybody else on this earth. The silver lining is my dear old FIL-a very funny and mellow gentleman. I will enjoy seeing him.
I feel we can't change our crazy relatives, so long as we are united in dealing with them (whatever our decision), and we know it is "temporary"- even if in half misery... we can near battle anything.
I think a hotel would be the best under the circumstances, given how SIL feels... but if husband is against it, I think I'd roll with whatever he decided, so long as I was "heard" in how I felt ...and we'd agree that if she gets TOO out of hand , TOO disrespectful during our stay, we'd leave & get that hotel in a heartbeat.
The sister in law doesn't want to deal with the aftermath. I think alot of people are like this, they hate confrontation, they hate whining & they aren't good at telling others ..."Listen, I ain't listening to this SH** anymore" erecting a boundary to end it, or shut it out.... it seems many tip toe to appease the Mom here, anything for that "Peace" -but it seems a chasing after the wind with her anyway.
Sometimes I feel this makes people more of a Monster than calling their behavior out -then Leaving them in the dust to contend with themselves. If all of her friends & family leave her in the dust, generally there is a reason for it. Eventually it's time to look within.
SA, I am mature enough to know that there is no reason to take shots at people when stating an opinion or giving advice. I have pity for those who lack diplomacy, just like I feel sorry for my MIL.
You are so right about being united! My husband is quick to jump to my defence, not matter what his mother's response is. How she chooses to respond is not our problem, as long as she knows where we stand.
When interacting with my inlaws, I take my husband's feelings into consideration. He can't stand his mother's behavior either, but we still stay there because we know it is important to his father. I can very mouthy and loud with a sharp tongue, but I tone down this aspect of my personality around my in-laws. They are very reserved, tradition bound people. My MIL is a proud Scottish woman whose favorite subject is her "lineage" and history.
I wish that my SIL would not tiptoe around my MIL. However, I do understand her desire to avoid angry tirades from the older woman. Both my BIL and his wife have tried to set boundaries with my MIL to no avail. I think it would be good for my MIL to have no contact with her sons, so that she can feel some consequences for her behavior. That is what I have done with my own mother and now she is very kind to me, because she knows that I will not tolerate unwarranted verbal abuse or meddling.
I love the way my husband has agreed to plan activities so that we will not be at his parent's house too often. Who knows? Maybe my MIL will take a chill pill and she may actually be nice.
Do what you want to do. But I see a marriage in which the husband is afraid to stand up to his family, to protect his wife. Gateway to divorce.
This isn't always true. I was afraid to stand up to my family for a long time as was my husband. This isn't an easy thing to do. I eventually stood up to mine because they live 3 miles away and there was no other choice but with my husband it was different. His family lives 550 miles away so a confrontation made no sense. We only saw them 2X a year and we knew nothing we would ever say would make an difference so we chose to take the high road. It was only 14 days out of the year so we chose to just take it.
We did however come up with workable strategies to deal with the visits. We agreed to only stay a few days (they kept getting shorter and shorter over the years). We agreed to protect the kids at all costs. We overlooked a lot of bad behavior yes and but now that they are at the end I have peace knowing we did what was best for US.
Now had they lived closer this wouldn't have worked.
And no it did not cause us to divorce. If anything it brought us closer together because we agreed on this TOGETHER.
It takes a real man to agree to take the high road. My husband loves the patience and tolerance I have for his mother; he was offended when he saw his SIL mocking his mom.
I call my MIL just to say hi, thank her for her thoughtful birthday cards and ask for her advice just to make her feel relevant. I also bite my tongue when my MIL is rude and let my husband handle his mother. She is the woman who raised this wonderful man I married, so I feel that I have to try to be magnanimous.
I do these things because I understand that much of her petulant attitude comes from feeling displaced from her son's lives, now that they are both married. She is also choked with envy at the romance and doting her DILs receive from their husbands, because she is lacking that in her own marriage.
Hi crafty. It has already been decided that we are staying with my MIL. My SIL does not want us to stay with them anymore, out of fear of my MIL's wrath. I would rather not stay with my MIL, but if my SIL would rather not deal with certain things, we need to respect that.
Here in my in laws little town. We are at my BIL's for the night, taking care of our two year old niece. What a smart little sweetie she is.
I have been added to the recorded family tree, which makes me very happy. Today I swam in a river for the first time and it was wonderful. This area is not unlike a summer cottage with gorgeous moonlight, clean air and more stars than I have seen in years.
Some moron asked me "What's wrong with your husband? No babies yet?" I just gave her a fake smile and said "No!" Apparently she's married to a cousin. My MIL has been nice, except for a snarky comment: "I don't know how (husband) can sleep with your loud snoring!" A polite person would not mention such a thing to a guest. It is not as if I snore purposely, asthma and seasonal allergies are to blame.
My husband wants to refrain from visiting for a few years. His brother made a scene for the second time the other day. We left my BIL's home because he was being so rude to his wife that she started crying. The first time we came last year, my BIL swore at his mother. My husband has had enough of his brother's tantrums and I can't say that I blame him! Imagine driving for nearly fourteen hours, only to have your sibling act like a royal ass all over again! Watching my BIL made me glad that my husband does not behave like that. My BIL wept and apologized-he also confided in us that he is always angry. I think there are some problems with the business that he owns, as well as dealing with my SIL having a miscarriage. My husband told his brother to see a shrink.
Oh well....all families have problems. Not my concern.
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Re: Huh??? 
Good Luck!
A polite person would not mention such a thing to a guest. It is not as if I snore purposely, asthma and seasonal allergies are to blame. 
