[fascination]

How should I (we) handle jealous in-laws? My husband's parents are super jealous of us/what we have. They've even admitted it a few hundred times.

We live a simple life. We don't make much money. Seriously, we are just barley above the poverty line. However, we are content and happy with what we have. Why? Because I don't feel "poor". We do not live paycheck to paycheck like the majority of people we know. We don't have to worry about money because I'm a big saver. When we first married, my husband had a good bit of debt and I had none. After about 4 years, I had it all paid off, and we've kept it that way. We have no debt other than our mortgage. We have a good year's worth of living expenses in savings, retirement plans, and life insurance. We even have burial plots already! The feeling of having that cushion there makes me feel secure. This doesn't mean we go out and buy stuff all the time OR that we NEVER spend money. If there's something we need/really want, we save for it for a long time and then buy it.

The in-laws are completely obssessed over money. They make more than what we do, yet they never have any. I don't know what they do with it. They make that known way too much. To the point that my husband feels guilty and buys things for them. Gifts are okay, and I'm the kind of person that would give away money if we won the lottery, but its ridiculous how much they hint around of things they "need".

It's starting to cause tension in our marriage. My husband gives them valuable things of ours or money to buy things, more and more frequently. It isn't hurting us financially (yet) but I'm afraid that if it continues it will. He just can't tell his parents "no". It just really bothers me that it doesn't bother them. My husband is torn. He knows he's "feeding a beast" and that I'm not fond of it, yet at the same time, he feels family comes first and you should respect your elders. But shouldn't the elders respect their children?

Whenever we acquire something, it doesn't matter if it's a "new to us" vehicle or a cloth napkin, they find ways to ask WHY we bought it and they always want to know how much it costs. That's just rude. I always use a vague remark like "oh, not too much" or "we got a good deal"....but my husband will just flat-out tell them how much something was. THEN they start the comparisons and critiques....you shouldn't have spent that much, why didn't get get brand abc, why did you go with this pattern. AND THEN they use this info when they need something..."well you had the money to buy such n such".....

When my husband HAS said "no" to something, they turn it on me, saying that I like to control money too much. And that I'm conceded because I "hoard money". He'd rather just give it to them so they shut up and there's no drama. But isn't that the same as a toddler throwing a fit for ice cream and just giving it to him so he'll be quiet? Yes, he's quiet but he's learned that throwing a fit equals getting what you want.

Thoughts anyone?

[rj700]

Originally Posted by fascination

When my husband HAS said "no" to something, they turn it on me, saying that I like to control money too much. And that I'm conceded because I "hoard money". He'd rather just give it to them so they shut up and there's no drama. But isn't that the same as a toddler throwing a fit for ice cream and just giving it to him so he'll be quiet? Yes, he's quiet but he's learned that throwing a fit equals getting what you want.

Thoughts anyone?

I agree with daffodilly, for the most part. Your family should come first. And you are right, his parents are acting like children. You have children - got from another of your posts. Providing a united front is paramount and that needs to apply to how you both handle this.

But this is very tricky ground. These are his parents, so chose your words carefully. Don't attack or be condescending about them as he will tend to be defensive.

I might focus on the issue of them attacking you when he says no. He should be defending you at that point and making it very clear to them that this unacceptable. From your post, it sounds like you've done a lot to be financially responsible. He needs to buy into that as well.

If you can get him to defend you when they turn things on you, make sure you tell him how much that means to you. At that point, saying no might become easier for him and his parents may start getting the message that no means no. Doesn't mean they'll stop asking.

[FirstYearDown]

*hug* I have a MIL who is jealous of her son's wives. She did not receive the romance and the special gifts that she wanted in her marriage, so my MIL can be hostile to her DIL's for this reason. Her favorite phrase is "What do you need that for?"

When my husband proposed to me, she asked him where he got the money for my ring. When we bought a new car because the old one was breaking down too often, my MIL screeched about "wasting money" and asked why we needed a new vehicle.

We ignore my MIL when she gets like that. I also giggle with my SIL about her nonsense. My husband is very good at defending me when his mother is out of line and we are careful what we share with both sets of parents. You have your own family to worry about, without giving money to his parents.

My mother wanted her children to live for her. Each time one of us moved out, we got an earful about staying home and helping to pay the mortgage. I told my mother that her mortgage is not my responsibility and I need to start my own life, just like she started her own.

[kate542]

I think you spend too much time with your in-laws.

They sound very rude and controlling and your husband seems to be under their thumb if he gives them money especially if they earn more than you do. He must be insane to do that what is wrong with him.
You and your husband should get out together or separately and do things that interest you and see as little as possible of his parents. You don't have to be spending when you go out, join a walking group it's sociable and will keep you fit.
I had a similar problem with my mother-in-law and I only visited when I really had to.
When you are with them and they ask how much something costs walk out or put the kettle on. You don't have to put up with that sort of behaviour.

[KI0159]

My FIL'S fav questions is 'how much did that cost?' , I dont like it either. I usually do just tell him rather than get dramatic and cause a scene but I'd rather he just didnt ask it, I wouldnt!

I agree with kate542 - create some distance between you and the in-laws, this worked for me.

My in-laws are nice people but they can be irritating and I'm quite sure I irritate them too. I dont mind my husband visiting them regularly in fact I encourage it but I dont always want to be going with him. Im not sure what happend but I think my husband has realised this now and obviously sees we all get on better because of the distance.


Your Husband shouldn't be giving in to them, he should be looking after his own family and they should realise and respect that. My husband and I dont have a family yet but I do worry about how it will effect my relationship with my in-laws.........meaning I dont really want to see them more than what I do!