[Ayla]

My dh has a half brother who is much younger than he is. My father in law is in the military and is stationed overseas. In March father in law came to visit us and bil decided to join him at the last minute. We were surprised but fil was just staying for a few days and then went to PR before going back overseas. BIL left with him and we though no more about it.

Life goes on and then we get a call during the first week in May from the younger sister-in-law (18) from overseas to tell us that bil was landing at the airport and could dh go and pick him up!? We were shocked because we had no idea that bil was coming. Dh was very confused but went and picked up bil from the airport. Bil has mis-lead us from day 1. He never disclosed why he left PR in such a rush (we found out later and it was because he got involved in drugs and bad company and had to leave in a hurry). He lied to us and said he was going to school in PR in August and would only stay a few days. Bil would constantly change his story from day to day. Telling us one minute about going to school in PR. The next telling us he wants to go to school here and will find a job and apt. Bil goes to meet a gf he had been talking to from overseas on fb. He then said he would be moving in with her. Finally he said he was going to join the military but there was a problem with that because he was being investigated for some things he had done overseas.


Ok. I started to smell B.S right away. We live in a large city in the N.E. and I figured bil was just going to sit around and enjoy all the city has to offer. Bil has been sleeping on an air mattress on my living room floor for almost 3 months now and I just want it to end already. Dh got in contact with fil 2 weeks ago when it became apparent that bil has no intention of doing anything except partying...eating...sleeping...and running up our light bill. Fil was shocked to find out that bil did not ask us if he could stay before he came. Fil also told us that he gave bil enough money to last until school started in PR and that bil blew it all partying. Fil had told bil to go back overseas but bil begged him for another chance and said he would arrange everything himself. He told fil that dh and I were on board with him staying with us. Lies.

Anyway, dh told fil and bil that he is too immature to stay in this city and that he is not going to take care of another person. I forgot to mention fil was basically a dead beat dad while dh was growing up. Dh was raised by his single mother and uncles on fil side of the family. It was only when dh was in his 20s that they made up and let by-gones be by-gones so this really stings. Not only did fil not raise dh now we have to raise his adult sized child as well? It's like a slap in the face.

I'm just really tired of seeing him lying on that air mattress at 8am...9am....10am. Dh has to wake him up everyday and he has started getting real comfortable. Walking around with his shirt off (dh spoke to him about that). Leaving the toilet seat up (found our toddler playing in the toilet water...nice) and if we don't cook he sits there and just doesn't eat.

Fil found someone who would rent him a room. Dh told bil and bil poo-pooed him and went to his gf house for a week. He was posting pictures of himself going fishing...to six flags etc. When he came back dh asked him if he spoke with the man about the room and bil was like nah I'll get to it. Dh told him that he has to leave by Aug 1st. Anyway now he has started to get up early and leave the house. Dh sees him leaving with our daughter's soccer ball and asks where he is going. Bil says he is going to soccer practice for school. Dh asks him if he is enrolled in the school and if he is on the team. No but he is going to enroll and he is going to speak to the coach about joining the team. Dh reminds him that he has to leave by August 1st and has he spoken to his father about going home. Bil is like yeah I spoke to him but so far he has made no moves to leave.

Am I wrong for being really angry about this? When bil came and I though he was going to stay for a few days and then eventually maybe the entire summer I bit my tongue. I work nights and I'm usually up at all hours of the night. Since bil has been here I've been restricted to my bedroom and have no where to go during the middle of the night when I'm up. I'm sick of his lies and him walking around here disturbing our routine. I'm sick of the fact that I have to work for a living to support a moocher who thinks he is on high school summer break. I think bil is very disrespectful to not be making arrangement to leave when dh has been crystal clear about him going.

I was patient until dh told me about the soccer thing. Seems to me like he is going to totally disregard what we have to say. He is leaving about 10am and returning about 11pm...like out of sight out of mind right. I haven't said anything to dh but last night when he came home I opened the front door and he gave me a look like he is really hurt. That made me really mad. Really? You just show up at someone's house un-invited and un-expected and lie to them for months. You think it's O.K to just live with people and not contribute and make extra work for them? Ugh. I got so mad I told dh that we are paying the fee for his ticket and that dh has to take him to the airport by Friday because I have had enough of this.

Am I wrong? Should I continue to just let this play out amongsts brothers? At what point do I put my foot down and just kick him out already? I don't hate him but I feel violated and I'm just sick of this already.

[827Aug]

I think you've been more than fair and patient. He's not ready to change and become a big boy. Let him go mooch off someone else for awhile.

[Ayla]

Thanks. Re-reading my post I guess I was venting more than anything else but thanks for reading and responding. I've been biting my tongue for months and I'm ready to explode but I don't want to permanently damage the relationship. I'm feeling tense because Aug 1 is Wednesday and I feel like a big show down is going to have to take place. Ugh...I hate being in this position.

[PBear]

Honestly, your husband should have put on his big boy pants a couple of months ago and put an end to it. Yes, it sounds like you,have a reason to be upset.

C

[Corpuswife]

Boundaries are necessary here. It sounds like Aug 1st is about here. Now, what if he doesn't move?

You need to decide what you are going to do. Find a homeless shelter, in the area. When he says he doesn't have a place to stay...tell him this is the only option that you can think of. Give him a ride.

You have to let him know that you are serious or he will take you for a longer ride.

[PBear]

Did he move out?

C

[Ayla]

To update: Yes we got him out of our house! On Aug 1 he acted like everything was normal. He woke up and got dressed like we never discussed the Aug 1st move out date. Dh had to confront him and tell him that it was time to go. It was a bit tense because on Aug 1 he didn't have anywhere to go but his gf let him stay with her for a few days. After that he got his room and that is where he has been living since Aug. Bil is maturing now that he sees the reality of being on his own in the big city. He has figured out that it's not a 24/hour party and now wants to move for a cheaper col.

He still shows up un-expected for dinner and to collect his mail but I don't mind tha too much. I'm just glad he is off of my living room floor.