The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
At the time I divorced I had 2 children. After a time I met a very nice lady a couple years younger, never married with no children. She seemed very career oriented and somewhat successful. Only after we were engaged for a while did I learn that her family was better off than most. This is where things started getting tricky.
I was able to relocate my job so that she could stay closer to her job, family and community obligations. Doing that took my out of any serious consideration for major advancement. I don't mind because it has given me more time with my children when I have them. It also meant moving away from my sons and starting a long commute on my weekends to see my boys. Initially, the move was for the short term,but it has now been 8 years.
We now have a beautiful little girl of our own and she loves her half-brothers. They are all 3 my children and I try and treat them equally, but there is a widening gap between the boys future and my daughters.
I pay my own way at home (no gold-digger), but also pay a substantial amount in child support each month. 4 years ago my wife quit working to be home with our soon to be born daughter. Her contribution to our household bills is from her personal money, but she doesn't want to go back to work. That is fine, except our daughter is very bright and in a bi-lingual preschool 4 days a week. So she isn't here most of the time anyway. Living the way she is puts a greater strain on my $$$ which I desperately want to try and put back more for my boys college and for cars.
Here is the problem, I am I wrong to want my wife to contribute more so that I can do more for my sons? She says she can't because she doesn't want to go through her money like many of her peers. I tell her if she would return to work that wouldn't be a problem. Again, what do you think?
Oddly, I don't feel comfortable discussing this with any of my family or friends so of course perfect strangers are the only option.
People have their own way of sorting out the financial side but if you are married for me the money is all put together in one pot.
When you are married for the long term there is no your money and mine, to me that's illogical. If two people put their money together you can make things work so much better.
However
If your wife does not want to work and she is not looking after your daughter and this is an irritation to you you should talk this over with her if money is tight.
Where your sons are concerned that is your financial problem not hers so you cannot expect her to contribute. You cannot realistically expect her to work to support your sons from a previous relationship.
F14tomcat - Is her personal money contributing 50% of the household income? If it is, I would say you can't expect her to contribute even more (by working) just so you can put extra money aside for your sons.
If it's not, then I would suggest discussing your household budget with her. Explain that you would like to set aside $XX per month for the boys for their college fund and ask for her input as to how you can work that into your total budget.
I also wonder though if your expectations are realistic as to what you want to set aside for your boys (you mention cars). If you have extra money to buy your kids a car, that's great. But you shouldn't be stretching your monthly budget, IMO, to try to buy your kids a car. Kids are too spoiled these days. Make them get a job and earn the money for such a luxury.
Additionally, your daughter has a wealthy mom. Your boys don't. While you may want to contribute to your kids equally, their mothers respective incomes will tip the scales one way or the other and that means that the kids may not be exactly equal when it comes to material possessions. That is hard to accept, I'm sure, but that is the reality of the situation.
F14tomcat - Is her personal money contributing 50% of the household income? If it is, I would say you can't expect her to contribute even more (by working) just so you can put extra money aside for your sons.
"She does contribute 50%, but my relocation increased my expenses and decreased my earning potential. These are minor things in the big picture, but that difference is the extra savings. When we were married she didn't want children, I was fine with that at the time and when she changed her mind that was ok too. I explained to her then that I have treat all the kids the same. If her parents want to do something for our daughter that is great, because my boys maternal grandparents do as well. My boys are in a good public school with their mother, but the daughter is already on a list for a very nice private school. I have trouble justifying my guys struggling with student loans and a state when the daughter is looking at a paid Ivy league quality education. Which is exactly how it was for for me and my wife respectively. My guys understand how things are and get to enjoy the trappings much as I do, but still I want to do the best I can for them all."
I also wonder though if your expectations are realistic as to what you want to set aside for your boys (you mention cars). If you have extra money to buy your kids a car, that's great. But you shouldn't be stretching your monthly budget, IMO, to try to buy your kids a car. Kids are too spoiled these days. Make them get a job and earn the money for such a luxury.
"Cars are my thing to be sure, but I don't want my kids to work while they are in school. I did and my grades suffered because of it. I would rather them get better grades and work toward scholarships then pull in a few bucks for a POS car. In my mind, the car is a powerful tool to keep them on track. Also, they can never earn as much working a joe-job as they could get through a scholarship. Summer jobs are a different story, they will have those, just no working during the school year."
Additionally, your daughter has a wealthy mom. Your boys don't. While you may want to contribute to your kids equally, their mothers respective incomes will tip the scales one way or the other and that means that the kids may not be exactly equal when it comes to material possessions. That is hard to accept, I'm sure, but that is the reality of the situation.
"In my mind this whole thing is less about material possessions and more about working together. My wife and I don't disagree very often, no real fighting, which is great. When we do argue though it is about this kind of thing or about how she is more a "MAIDEN NAME" then a "MARRIED NAME". I ask at what point do I/WE come first."
I can really understand this and sympathize as well I once dated a gal after i went thru my divorce and the pecking order seemed to be her kids, her, me, and then my daughter once i realized this I immediately left although we did buy a house together eventually i got my money back but she really changed as soon as we purchased the house
I'm going to be perfectly honest. Its highly unlikely your wife given her background is ever going to buy into working more to support kids who aren't hers and who don't even live there. As a mama bear especially a rich one she's only concerned about her little cub getting the best life has to offer.
You have my total sympathy. I've seen this a few times in blended families and I find it incredibly sad.
I have misunderstood your situation, I thought misguidedly that you had little money for your sons. I now see that's not the case you just want to give them all the trappings that your daughter will have.
Just a thought but my story is this it may or not be helpful:
My husband and I are from working class families in my case I lived in poverty until my working years began.
It wasn't that the families didn't work they did but for little return.
We married in 1970 with the same financial dreams in mind and hope for the future and bought our first home and paid it off in 5 years.
We have always lived within our means so no debt. We planned for our children and they came along 6 years later a son and daughter.
They both attended state schools and with encouragement made it to University to take Science degrees. We brought them up with the understanding that you have to work for anything you want in life. They both took on part time jobs during their University years and came out with 1st class honours degrees happy confident likable human being. My son worked all his vacation time to buy himself a MR2 which he was hugely proud of. Both my son and daughter have successful careers, have a good understanding of money and are level headed.
The point I'm making is you do your sons no favours giving them everything it does not prepare them the important things they will need to have a complete happy life.
When you have to work for something it gives you pride in what you have achieved on your own.
The most important thing in parenting is giving your children lots of love, hugs and kisses encouragement in the things they are interested in and most importantly your time, these things you cannot put a price on.
I kind of disagree with some of the other people here, especially in regards to saving for your sons' educations. When we marry people who have children from another relationship, there needs to be an understanding that those children are going to have to be provided for and that the parent of the children is going to want to give them the best that s/he possibly can. As the partner who marries into this family, she should understand that you want to provide an education for your sons, just as you will for your daughter.
With that being said, I would hope that she would understand your need to put more of your money towards their future college fund. That, to me, is just part of a family and part of being involved with someone who has children. If she doesn't like it, then why did she marry someone who has children? We all do things that we may not want to do in the name of love. This, to me, is another example of that. I hope that she can see how important this is to you.
I appreciate everyones input and please submit more. The comments I have seen are pretty much the ones we hear at home.
I grew up the oldest of 5 and paid my way through school (undergrad, masters, part of doctorate), with some help from the Navy and student loans. When I divorced I owned 2 homes and a small business besides my bread and butter career. I ended up with the house that had a mortgage and little else that was paid for. I was ok with that at the time because it would make things easier for my boys.
So I guess I am just disappointed that my wife who was "given" so much isn't very generous at home. Don't get me wrong about her, she gives so much of her time to the community and we donate out the wazoo, but on the domestic stuff she is very different.
Step-rich with kids...am I being unfair? 
