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Old 08-17-2012, 11:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Refusal to have kids...

FYI I meant to put "A concerned Husband" without spaces.

I have been married for nearly ten years. My wife is 8 years older than I am and she has three kids from previous relationships. In the first 8 years we have been together I have asked her nearly every week when she was going to get pregnant. I have always wanted kids and I didn't mind that she already had some. I just wanted one that I could call my own. She had had a still born (fourth child) with the guy before me and I use to think that she was just scared and needed time. In the first years sho would tell me that once I got my badge that she would get pregnant or other various reasons as to why she didn't want to get pregnant yet. Now after all this time she told me that she has no intention of ever getting pregnant again. She also use to help me with the bills and now it seems that she only wants to pay her bills (her car note & cell phone bill) while I am stuck with everything else. I am looking for some opinions on what I should do. I hate waking up every morning and looking at her and being angry. I do love her very much and don't want to have this resentment and bitterness towards her. Please help. I have decided to give her to December to change her mind. I have also thought that there are other kids that need a good home, but it just wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be angry at all if we tried to have a child and we couldn't, than to not try at all. Thank you in advance.
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Old 08-17-2012, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
FYI I meant to put "A concerned Husband" without spaces.

I have been married for nearly ten years. My wife is 8 years older than I am and she has three kids from previous relationships. My husband is 8 years my senior too. When you marry an older person, sometimes you need to accept that your spouse will not be as interested in things that they have already experienced. She already has three kids, so it doesn't surprise me that your wife doesn't want anymore.

In the first 8 years we have been together I have asked her nearly every week when she was going to get pregnant.
Some people would seriously resent this kind of pressure. I know I would. I have always wanted kids and I didn't mind that she already had some. I just wanted one that I could call my own. She had had a still born (fourth child) with the guy before me and I use to think that she was just scared and needed time. In the first years sho would tell me that once I got my badge that she would get pregnant or other various reasons as to why she didn't want to get pregnant yet.
If your wife was making so many excuses, why wouldn't you see that as a red flag? Those reasons were just smokescreens to distract you. Now after all this time she told me that she has no intention of ever getting pregnant again. She also use to help me with the bills and now it seems that she only wants to pay her bills (her car note & cell phone bill) while I am stuck with everything else. If your income is higher, you should be paying more bills. It is only fair. I am looking for some opinions on what I should do. I hate waking up every morning and looking at her and being angry. I do love her very much and don't want to have this resentment and bitterness towards her. Please help. I have decided to give her to December to change her mind. What if she does not change her mind? Your wife is not required to have a child with you if she does not wish to; just as you are not obligated to stay in the marriage if you think that you cannot live without a biological child. I have also thought that there are other kids that need a good home, but it just wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be angry at all if we tried to have a child and we couldn't, than to not try at all. Thank you in advance.
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

Thank you for your response.

1.) She agreed that we would have one more child. Age had nothing to do with it.

2.) Maybe it wasn't every week. At least once a month but I want a child of my own. Maybe you don't understand that...

3.) I understand her insecurities and was willing to accomodate them.

4.) My income is not higher. She makes more than me actually. I just want it split evenly. On a pay rate to bill ratio. She makes more per hour but makes 40% of household income then she should pay 40% of the bills. I think that is fair.

5.) She agreed to it prior to getting married. It might be better to approach my question with an objective view point.
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Old 08-17-2012, 04:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

How old are the two of you?
How old are her children? How much time do they spend at your house?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
1.) She agreed that we would have one more child. Age had nothing to do with it.
Regardless of what she agreed to at one time, she has apparently changed her mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
2.) Maybe it wasn't every week. At least once a month but I want a child of my own. Maybe you don't understand that...
Your post is clear and Iím sure that FirstYearDown understood clearly that you want a child of your own. But if your wife does not want to have your baby there is nothing you can do to make her have a baby.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
3.) I understand her insecurities and was willing to accomodate them.
What are the insecurities that you are willing to accommodate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
4.) My income is not higher. She makes more than me actually. I just want it split evenly. On a pay rate to bill ratio. She makes more per hour but makes 40% of household income then she should pay 40% of the bills. I think that is fair.
She only wants to pay her car & cell phone bill? I agree with you that each of you should pay the bills in ratio to your contributions to joint income. Are you willing to put your foot down on this and if so in what ways?
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Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
5.) She agreed to it prior to getting married. It might be better to approach my question with an objective view point.
This last sentence of your is concerning. FirstYearDown did approach your question from an objective view point. It sounds like you only want to hear responses that are supportive of you.

In my opinion it was not wise of your wife to promise to have a child with you and then for her to renege on that promise without clearly telling you why. This can be looked at in two ways:
1) Your wife used switch and bait to get you to marry her. She promised to have a child but planned to never do it. Do you think your wife is an evil person who would do this on purpose? I doubt it.

2) Your wife meant every word of it when she told you that she promised to have a child with you. But after marriage things happened. This is the more likely scenario. It could be a mix of things:
a. Either she was still suffering from the loss of the previous pregnancy and/or your marriage did not turn out to be what she expected.

b. Over time she became unhappy with the marriage and decided that itís not a situation that she wishes to bring a baby into.


c. She might have also decided that at her age, a child is not a good idea. She already has all the children that she wants.
I think that there are serious issues in your marriage that has led her to not want to have a baby with you. Her stating that she will only pay her car and her cell also show that there is a problem. She is pulling away from you.

How long have you been waking up angry at her? Is she angry at you? Do the two of you fight or argue a lot?

So what should you do?

First you need to work on your marriage. This is not a good situation to bring a child into. Fix things with your wife first. Find out what her complaints are about the marriage and you. Let her know what yours are about her. Do this in marriage counseling and see if you can fix things first.

Ask her to tell you why she does not want to have a child with you. Her promising to have a child was a determining factor in your asking her to marry you. So you want to know what has happened to that promise.

Just realize that you cannot force her to have a baby and you might need to leave her and find a more willing partner.

On the topic of her only wanting to pay for her car and her cell, you can tell her that you will not agree to that. Why would you agree to paying the lionís share of your joint bills when sheís a capable adult, has an income and not a SAHM. So either she carries her part of the bills or itís time to talk separation/divorce.

Do her children spend time at your house? Does she get child support for them?
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

Thank you Elegirl for your response.

I am 32 and she is 40 now.

They are 14, 19 and 21 now.

The insecurities are those extending from the loss of the fourth child and anxiety around it.

She knows I struggle with the bills. I am looking for a second job to help out. I am not going to demand help. If she wants to help then I want it to come from her, not me putting my foot down.

She has not stated that the bills she pays are going to be the only ones. They just are.

I have been waking up angry since she wrote me the letter telling me that she doesn't want to hear about a baby anymore. She says she had her other children at a young age and that it is time for her.

We hardly ever argue. The oldest lived with us throughout the marriage till recently she moved out. The other two still live with us and have for as long as we have been married.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AconcenedHusband View Post
Thank you Elegirl for your response.

I am 32 and she is 40 now.

They are 14, 19 and 21 now.

The insecurities are those extending from the loss of the fourth child and anxiety around it.

She knows I struggle with the bills. I am looking for a second job to help out. I am not going to demand help. If she wants to help then I want it to come from her, not me putting my foot down.

She has not stated that the bills she pays are going to be the only ones. They just are.

I have been waking up angry since she wrote me the letter telling me that she doesn't want to hear about a baby anymore. She says she had her other children at a young age and that it is time for her.

We hardly ever argue. The oldest lived with us throughout the marriage till recently she moved out. The other two still live with us and have for as long as we have been married.
There is your answer. Your wife has a very valid reason for not wanting any more babies, which has nothing to do with losing her last child. She has the right to feel this way and I don't understand why you think that your wishes are more important than yours.

You do know that the incidence of birth defects goes up if the mother is 35+ right? Have you looked at Down's Syndrome rates in 40+ mothers? This is the reality of having children later in life and it doesn't seem like you have considered these factors.

If you want a biological child, you will have to decide if the marriage is more or less important than that. Nobody can make that choice except you.

Bringing another child into a troubled marriage makes it worse, not better. Some people think that a baby will magically fix existing problems and they they are surprised when a new baby worsens the situation. If you think you don't have enough money now, what will happen when you have a new infant??

Just because I don't tell you what you want to read, it does not mean that I don't understand. You asked for honest insight and I gave you some. I don't believe in comforting people with lies. I am very sorry that you are in this situation because you have a tough choice to make. She should have been honest about not wanting any more children, so that you could go on to find a woman that wants to have a baby.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Bait and switch. I'm so sorry.

My husbands ex w did this. Promised him kids, then refused after they married. Luckily for me, she refused to have kids.

They quickly divorced then my husband met me! We discussed this at length and we had 2 together. I wish I had one more, but it's too late. I couldn't ask for a better father for my children.

I'm so very sorry. Stick to your guns and if still she doesn't want a child with you, find someone who does, she's running out of time to bare a child. This is so unfair to you.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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In the first 8 years we have been together I have asked her nearly every week when she was going to get pregnant.
Your mistake was magical thinking. For 8 years she's been putting you off and you bought it. Why did you wait so long? You knew how old she was right? Within 2-3 years you should have moved on if this was something you really wanted.

Yes this was bait and switch. She promised you one thing but had no intention of delivering. You can't MAKE her get pregnant so now the balls in your court. Either you get past this or you can't.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

I'm sorry you were misled, whether deliberately or innocently, but as others have said, you can't force her hand. You will either end up with a baby and a resentful and most likely depressed wife, or a divorce. As also mentioned, the risks to the fetus (as well as to the mother!) While I completely understand wanting to have your own kids and would be devastated if my husband changed his mind in the future before we ever did, you have to accept that it is her body and health that gets put on the line as well as any potential offspring. Many women who are forty do choose to have children, and are aware of the risks, but that should be a choice made together, not forced by a husband. This conversation should have been really flushed out before 35.
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Old 08-18-2012, 03:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

Thanks for the additional info.

So for 8 years you covered expenses of raising her children in your home but she only paid her car and cell? So basically she has taken advantage of you financially. But you have allowed it apparently by not setting boundaries you can live with and sticking to them.

If you take on a second job, your already strained marriage will get a lot worse because you will not have much time to spend with her. A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things, to remain emotionally connected. You probably don’t get that now. You definitely will not get it if you get a second job.

My step-children’s father did something similar to me. He has not worked for years and therefore left it up to me to support his two children which he had custody of. It’s not of the reasons that I finally divorced him.

Quite honestly, your wife’s refusal to help support her own children (who are not your children) makes her sound like a very selfish woman.

As everyone has said, if she does not want to have another baby there is nothing you can do about it. She made a very important promise to you before marriage that she has not kept. That alone is a good reason for you to ask for a divorce.

A spouse refusing to have a child after she promised it before marriage is a valid reason for divorce. Her expecting you to single handedly support her children is also a valid reason for divorce.

You are a very young man and have the time start over, find a new love who is young enough and without the baggage of previous children, miscarriages, etc.

There is no reason for you to go through life an angry man. You are probably very attached to your step children. They are old enough to understand. Just tell them that while you love them very much you have always wanted children of your own. Their mother had promised to have your child and refused. So you are leaving so you can find a woman who will have your child. They can always come to you as you love them. (of course this is if you do feel that close to them.)

I feel so badly for you. To invest so much in a marriage and her children for so long, only to have a bait and switch pulled on you, is heart breaking.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Refusal to have kids...

I want to thank everyone for responding. My apologies to FirstYearDown if in my reply I wasn't cordial. I will see how things go...
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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If having a child was something agreed upon before getting married, I'm really sorry your wife has reneged on this agreement.

At 40 years of age, with 3 grown children, I doubt that she's likely to change her mind. Whilst it certainly was wrong of her to promise you that she would have a child with you, I can understand her not wanting to start all over again...

You're young, OP, and if you stay with your wife and not experience fatherhood, it's my guess that you will grow to resent your wife even further.
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:34 AM   #13 (permalink)
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If having a child was something agreed upon before getting married, I'm really sorry your wife has reneged on this agreement.

At 40 years of age, with 3 grown children, I doubt that she's likely to change her mind. Whilst it certainly was wrong of her to promise you that she would have a child with you, I can understand her not wanting to start all over again...

You're young, OP, and if you stay with your wife and not experience fatherhood, it's my guess that you will grow to resent your wife even further.
What's sad is that she was 32 when they married... plenty young enough to have another child. She should have been honest with him.
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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What's sad is that she was 32 when they married... plenty young enough to have another child. She should have been honest with him.
Yes she should have been.

I think the OP is way to young to simply accept that he will never have children, and as the years ticked by his W should have realized that. Not at all fair.
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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What's sad is that she was 32 when they married... plenty young enough to have another child. She should have been honest with him.
I agree... I wouldn't have another child with my youngest being 14... no way, no how... BUT I would have never agreed to it in the first place. She was still young and so was the youngest child so there must be something else or just the switch-a-roo... so sad...

Adoption could be an option but I just don't think she wants another one period. I guess I can the importance of "biological" children, but we adopted our youngest daughter and I feel no different about her then my "biological" ones.
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