The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I asked my husband to bring me my cell phone this morning on his way out the door to work, he brought me accidentally my 17 year old sons phone & it was vibrating with a text from a girl he hangs out with Alot.. I flipped it up half asleep & discovered he had been on the phone with her all nite long ( according to the text he had to have just fallen asleep this morning) The texts were from her pleading with him to stay awake with her while she did "air dusties" and he obviously did stay awake all nite while she texted him about doing this ... I had an issue with my older son experiencing with the pc dust can back when he was a teen at home & Hopefully scared him away from it.. I discussed the dangers in front of my other son hoping he would not reach his current age and be inerested in "trying it" as well .. Obviously he didnt hear the warnings from the many discussions he witnessed thru his older brother & let someone keep him up all nite long laughing about it and describing to him just krazy stuff & he didnt warn her about any dangers etc so making me worry that when he is gone from home with her .. he may be doing it too sense shes so comfortable discussing it with him .. he has no sleep and Im fixing to march him out the door for he has a root canal this morning and he chose to stay awake ( friends request) & reply her comments about nothing more than air dusites pretty much .. that has me livid that he didnt warn her of the dangers he definetly Knows & he didnt tell her
"I am having a root canal in the morning and cant stay awake" so according to his phone he will be had less than 2 hours sleep before his appt and be like a brain dead zombie due to lack of sleep.. I see no point in bringing this up to him til we return & he obviously catches up on sleep after his appointment ... However Im gonna worry myself to death that this is how they spend there hang out time togther .. he will be 18 soon and points out cant pick his friends then etc .. I dont know what to do about this subject .. too many other things as well tend to appear his friends encourage as Im sure he does too the stupidest ways of entertaining themselves ... very frustrated currently on how to get results to making sure he and they arent doing this obviously telling then the dangers as I have in the past isnt enough and I was meant to be handed the wrong phone this morning...
I am a firm beleiver in reading my kids texts, myspace comments, so on and so on.....they are teenagers. They see it as an invasion of space and do not grasp the concept that we worry about their well being. My son recently had is cell phone taken away from him for 2 weeks...this killed him....but, he lied to me then tried to cover it up...he KNOWS above all else, I do not tolerate lying or disrespect. It is very hard raising teenagers, they think they know it all, and don not ever give you the benefit of knowing what you are talking about because they can never imagine that you were a teen once too.
I remind my kids all the time that if they can think it, I did too. I was their age once so I know what goes on in their heads...this scares the crap out of them...lol!
I too have an issue with the canned duster stuff...my kids dont use it as an inhalant, they use it on each other to try to "burn" each other with it...I dont get it. So, they are no longer allowed to have a can of it in the house...it stays at my computer in MY desk. If they need the computer cleaned off, i do it for them, they are not allowed to even touch the can. They are ok with this, of course they think i over react, but they know I wont give in.
If I were to see a text of that nature in my kids phone...I would first call the parents of the child on the other end, ask them if they are aware of their childs behavior.....then not allow my child to interact with this person outside of school, and if that meant taking the cell phone away or not allowing them to chat online...so be it. Then, I would lecture my child on HIS responsibility to warn others of dangers he has witnessed. What kind of person would he be if someone died because he didnt feel the need to warn them? Ask him that, he might see it differently. Above all, you have to make the kids understand that you may be harsh on them, but it is because you love them and want them to grow up being the best person they can be, with the benefit of good morals and knowing right from wrong and being able to act on them.
tell him that is fantastic he is turning 18, becuase now he can pay rent, car insurance, give some money for food, electric, gas and pay his own phone bill.
If he has a problem with that, then he can move out and live by "his rules, but until hten and he is under your house with your $$ paying things, well he has to live by YOUR RULES.
be gald though his friend is being stupid and not him, all he was being was supportive and make that point you were glad he was there for his friend, but his health is a priority and his friend has shown she is still very immature for her age.
I also want to know what are air dusters? Are they the cans that you use to blow air on computer keyboards, etc? I did not even know that they could be use for something like that. I have a teenager at home and even though I am positive she is not into that, it is nice to know something else to be watchful off.
I didnt make it all day without confronting him.. I wasnt avoiding confronting him due to his lack of sleep ..I just figured he wouldnt focus on the conversation due to it.. as they try to say u have to wait til someone is sober before they can really hear you.. anyway I didnt wait ..I drilled him for not warning this girl of the dangers.. he argues he has in the past & insist he cant tell her what to do ..shes older than him and her buisness he argued .. he said he wasnt stupid .. he didnt use it etc .. (but I am having a hard time believing that just yet) he tried to turn the convo around on me INVADING HIS PRIVACY by reading his texts to start with issues... and argues that point strong because he does pay for his own phone and any bill he aquires with it.. I still will pick it up and read anything I please I agree with you Sprite on checking up anything I feel the need too..
Air Dusties are inhaling the cans of dust removers as sufficently breathless said.. also they burn there skin with them .. I dealt with this once before my oldest son ( he will be 21 next month) but when he was 15/16 thats when I discovered thru burn marks the dangers of items in your house he was burning with friends and inhaling the cans Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.. and my current son thats 17 thought his brother was Krazy and told him so often .. I guess thats why I was so shocked it has now become an issue with him that he may or may not being doing it himself but either way he Aprooves it would seem that his current friends pratice it as entertaining
But your son has a valid argument. If he pays the phone bill you should not be reading his texts, that is a invasion of privacy, plus it shows you do not trust him.
You can only hope you raised him rigth and he knows right from wrong.
When I was in HS, my mom had a policy, she knew I would drink with my friends so our rule was either I crashed at their house for the nigth, or I called my parents for a ride if I was drinking.
they trusted me and when I did drink I usually crashed at my buddies house, but let my mother know ahead of time.
I knew plenty of kids that did drugs and other stupid things in school, but I didn't do them, but I was still friends with them.
Not everyone caves into peer pressure.
have a new talk with your son, tell him you are proud to be his mother, that you trust him, that you were wrong to read his text messages and you won't anymore, but for him to be open and honest with you.
Show some trust and responsibility goes a long way with teenagers. the more you control the more they push, the more trust you show the more they disclose to you.
Best of luck
We used to mess with thos air dusters at work, freezing each others skin, mad fun! but never inhaled, that's just idiotic, I rather my kids smoke pot then do that crap.
I agree with GASoccerman, you should trust him, if he says he is not into that stuff then he is not.
I remember during my teenage years that I even had a boyfirend that smoke pot, he never offer any to me and I was never tempted to smoke it. I also had friends taht were very bad news, Gang members, I never joint any gang but knew a couple of kids that were member of one, what i did was brought them home for my mom to meet, told her that they were bad news, but that I rather have them as friends than as enemies and they came very handy when I was attack by a guy who attempted to do who knows what to me, one of them saw it and they all bit the crap of of the bastard.
So trust him, it might be best if he supports her anyway he can, instead of dropping her friendship and her been wrose for it. Just have a long talk to him, show him respect and tell him how proud of him you are.
Thanks for the replies... I do trust him on some issues & some I have a right to fear & worry due to his own track-record.. he has showed positive signs that he listens & negative as well that makes you second guess ..he has called home when drinking with friends .. he recently called my husband ( his stepdad) at 4 am.. he asked to speak to him on the phone past 4 am in the morning.. because my husband had prior told him that .. he wished he wouldnt drink etc but however if he ever did find himself in a postiton away from home day or nite any hour and he wanted to come home due to any issue with friends then dont hesitate to call him for any reason because he would come & get him from anywhere no questions asked .. he made it very clear to him Nothing could he be doing .. involved in that he wouldnt come & pick him up from if he wanted .. he basically told him that He wouldnt be judging him if it was teen scene alcohol pot etc he didnt use those words but my son can read between the lines.. but he also guranteed him in a way like there would be no discipline issues to have to face for alcohol etc either...
I would/ will pick any child of mine up from anywhere ofcourse my ownself 24 hours a day verses them getting behind the wheel driving intoxicated or riding with intoxicated friends .. but I never had added the " no questions asked or explanation needed slogan to it" needless to say he called & asked not for me but for his step dad.. and he got up didnt say much & drove to the next town over and picked him up where he was Krazy Drunk when he got home.. all my husband would say regarding the situation was be proud he called for he was in a state of wanting to come home right then in that moment and his other ride was a druken girl who was already safely at home but had offered to drive him back home herself.. my husband was very Happy that he listens and remembered the offer and in turn kept two drunk teens off the road with his decision to call home.. Im grateful that he didnt ride with and endanger him & his friend both myself ..however I dont want to send my child the message that I condone & aproove of his drinking .. he is one of those kids that u give an inch he takes a mile.. that nite was a blessing he was safely brought home & my husband developed this sense of "Trust" telling me in private that he didnt judge make comments about alcohol etc because he wanted to establish a trust in him so that if he ever did fall into something more serious he would confide in him etc ..was his whole approach..
Long story shortened.. my husband beleived he could trust him now etc to do the right thing & tell him when there was a problem.. Just a few weeks after that incident occurred. my son was staying all weekend with friends in the neighborhood and he walking back n forth to the house on a saturday afternoon getting drinks food etc the going back out the door with his friends.. I noticed that saturday afternoon something was very off with him .. his speech was slurred and eyes etc were getting my attention.. Im blunt I asked him straight out with his friends beside him before he could back out the door.. "Are You High" and it was OMG YOUR KRAZY ATTITUDE TO ME.. he said they hadnt been to sleep all night.. and my husband jumped in and defended him to me with.. hes clearly sleep deprived and acting as a zombie with no sleep would and my son was thank you to him etc for beleiving him unlike me bla bla bla... I got ill because ( I have seen first hand what some pills will do to people.. I had a Pill addicted parent that im still grieving from finding her at christmas 05 dead) so I know the signs and I not gonna play around with that issue til its too late as I already have once not took it that serious & I dont wanna pay that price again .. I didnt let it go.. I was mad at my husband for clearing himfrom the confrontation & my husband was so positive I was wrong and over analizing Not trusting as he does etc anyway Just a few hours later My son Plopped down on my front porch swing & when he got up his little white pills fell out of his pocket on that swing and he could no longer deny that incident and admitted to taking 3 pills he doesnt even know what they were & to this day he wont tell me where he got them .. he keeps sarcastically saying he bought them from a stranger on the road crap & isnt stupid wont do it again and as always what he pays for I cant gripe about like money and who's it is is a factor in he can be treated over 21 etc .. No No No .. this kid in the past has been handed allowance more than some peoples paychecks weekly ( Not by me & my husband but .. By His dad) so for a long time he was able to buy cars phones laptops etc and just because I didnt pay for it & he can afford certain thru my exs allowance doesnt mean I dont have a right to know what he does with it) after finding the pills my husband upset for his theory that he would be told anything fell thru .. and he said he really did believe it was No sleep making im slur .. now he doesnt know what to beleive for he was fooled.. the air dusties I dont doubt he participates in but Not gonna accuse him and I have told him Please warn his friends of dangers call home yourself if pressured etc
I guess the reason I worry & doubt so Much is due to My ex.. My sons dad who His whole life spolied him with toooo much money etc completely dropped him out of his life the last 3 years other than a very rare now western union he has to call and beg for ..he pretty much abandoned him with no warning whatsoever.. so I think I am paranoid and make my child uncomfortable because I give the impression" i dont trust him" But theres always more to it than people can fill in in a thread.. sense my ex dumped my son basically .. he has tried cutting and says he has no emotions ( talks really scary sometimes) And he almost 2 years ago now went to the dr got diagnosed with anxiety and same day took an entire overdoes of the meds described that day .. at the hospital with the drs he said he did it to get his dads attention because his dad had a current girlfriend who had tried a similiar scene and got showered with affection love concern and somehow my son thought he could get his dads attention to return to him if he tried it himself.. His Dad didnt even come to the hospital & it was over a month before he called him directly to even talk to him.. so just things past very scary things and not being able to force his dad to secure him have me on egg shells with not trusting crazy things like air dusties being talked of cause i do hve this fear my child will do anythinggggggg to be excepted and fit it and he tends to only lean toward the bad news Kids ... anyway sorry this is so long & thanks for the replies again
Lavender, I am so sorry that you are going tru this, and I hope that things get resolve for the best for you.
Well, I talked to my 16 yo D yesterday when I picked her up from school, asked her if she knew about Air Dusters, and to my relieve, she look at me like I had spoken chinese. I explained what they are and how they are use by teenagers, and she said that was "the most stupid thing she has heard", her own words. That she didn't even knew those things existed and that whoever uses those it has to be an idiot. She told me "MOM any type of drug, addiction, smoking and/or drinking is so gross, how can people be so disgusting".
Well now that she knows I am more at peace that she will know say NO to all (which I always tought she would anyways) and any of these dagerous addictions out there, at least she now knows 1 more danger out there and will be on the look out, I am so glad that she has a good head on her shoulder and does not bow to peer pressure of any kind, even though as far as I know neither her or any of her friends are into anything bad, she has tried to stay away from people that she knows is doing something wrong, even if is just smoking, the smell of the cigarrettes "makes her sick" and she is no shy to tell them too. The other day in front of me she told this dude, somebody that we did not know, who was smoking outside the movie theathers, that she had no intentions of dying from 2nd hand smoke and to please go smoke somewhere else. I was very proud, even though scared, because you never how crazy strangers are.
totally disagree with GA. Until the age of majority, which is 18, you are not afforeded privacy rights from your parents. He may be paying for the phone but who pays for his food, clothes, power, water, heat, shelter....etc. Also a 17 year old can't sign an enforceble contract it is not binding. Therefore either his parent had to co-sign or it is an illegal contract so again no privecy rights afforded to the minor. I know its a battle to parent but sometimes parenting means pissing of the child to do what is in his/her best long-term interests. If the Kid is under 18 and living under his parents roofs, then their rules are in effect. End of story!
Thanks for all the replys ... LaBella Communication you clearly have with your daughter is a wonderful thing.. Keep asking tons of questions and keeping the lines open & she will probally continue to discuss important issues with you...
As for the "do I have a right to view my kids Anything check up on it" yes with conditions though ... I think Its my responsibilty to check out things that could warrant danger.. but each Kid is diffrent we as parents know there nature body language etc like when one is fibbing or there story doesnt add up etc so get enough of those reasons adding up & I will check out texts etc to Know if I need to intervine anywhere .....
The morning I accidentally had his phone & opened it came on the heels of other things that make me paranoid recently with his behaviour .. that phone was handed to me by accident but I chose to view it and Im glad I did for the airduster crap is scary to me But Id much rather have a trusting relationship with my child where he would feel free to tell me what goes on & ask questions verses me finding out that way .. I dont just walk in his room & pick up his Journal ( he has one in the open) I dont have this need to know all his buisness & My Husbands says I dont give him enough credit and that he is the opposite of what I say.. he says is a very blunt kid that doesnt hide how he feels or who he is and other people wont get him to do things he doesnt wanna do & Im paranoid hes doing everything dangerous under the sun with reason from past issues..
my hubby says My tone and way of questioning etc can sound like Im accussing instead of talking so I guess I need to work on that and I might get better answers in return as for this situation verses just checking anything with a kid thats under 18 I dont really think its my right to just be flat out nosey and not let my kid have space privacy ..his own life .. he is in sensitive years where embarassment will come easy if I do stumble or read the wrong things regarding his personal relationships.. so it is a thin line of not wanting to cross the line on his privacy & at the same time needing to knows he gonna be safe by his choices when he is not in my eye sight ..
I had the oppurtunity yesterday to view his phone again lol he left in the backyard on a bench and I was out there and spotted it ( he wasnt home) I picked it up and thought for a second Hmmmmm.. But I went and laid it on his dressor Unread.. I swear I did Not view it this time ... he spent the night with friends & he had no idea his phone was home ,
he was auctually panicking on the phone to me this morning that he lost it somewhere when he called to check in.. and I told him I rescued it from the backyard right before it started raining.. u could hear his sigh & relief upon discovering it was home.. there was a brief silence & I told Him ' Are you proud of me.. Ive had your phone close all nite and didnt once look thru it.. and he responded " Thank You Mama.. Im coming home to get it right now & I love You.. I could tell he was very happy.. But I still cant help but think/ analize.. hmmm was there something on there I needed to know and hes so happy I didnt look.. or is he just happy I didnt Look considering our recent argument over the texts I did read.. anyway thanks for replying everyone