[mommy22]

The kids are out for the summer. Now all the neighborhood kids are wanting to play. Great, right? Well, for the most part, it's fine. However, I've come across a delicate situation and am in need of advice.

One of the new kids in the neighborhood was recently expelled from school for sexually explicit behavior. He's only in second grade! He came by with his mother today. ( She doesn't know that I know this. She talked about her son going to a new school because he was too "active" for the other school"s discipline system. The system is not a bad system.) She wanted to know if the kids could get together for a play date. Fortunately, my son had already made plans so I was able to skirt it---- this time. She kept asking for my phone number so that my child could come over to her house to play. For all I know, a child exhibiting that kind of behavior at such a young age could be a victim of sexual abuse or is exposed to explicit images.

How do I tactfully decline a play date without sounding self-righteous or judgmental? The last thing I want her to think is that I think I'm better than her, but I also have to look out for the safety and well-being of my child.

Also, I'm not crazy about having the kid over to my house either. He has a mouth on him.

[Leahdorus]

Does you son want to play with this other boy? Were they in the same school he got expelled from? There is a boy at my son's school who is quite devious and finds himself and others around him in trouble a lot (including my son). The boys are friends, and I am friends with his parents, but the fact is that I don't really like this boy and the things he says/does influences my son in a negative way. I don't encourage them to play together anymore, and usually find reasons why we can't set up a playdate.

You could continue to decline the playdate offers until the other mom clues in. You could also offer to have the playdates at your house, where you can monitor things as well as set the rules for the potty mouth the kid has.

I hate the politics of kids and their friends/parents!

[mommy22]

Thanks, L. It's tough. I don't want to burn bridges, yet I know my kids are more important. I'm thinking we're going to be very, very busy when that kid comes around this summer! I'm not sure how I'll dodge his mother. She's only a couple doors down. Everyone around here knows I currently work out of a home office, so it's tough to dodge.

In answer to your question, my son thinks the kid is weird but worries about hurting his feelings. He doesn't want to play with him. They were in school together and my son told me the kid was off'-the-charts bad.

[LaBella]

I agree with L, just treated very careful, if your son does not want to play with him then don't make him play. They will have to be clue in at some point. We have one girl in the neighborhood that is an only child, and very, very spoiled and noisy, gets whatever she wants, likes to know everything that is going on, and when she comes to sleep over, open doors without knocking. Used to lock doors when they play. But that is #1 rule in my house, you do not lock any door, not even the bathroom door, you can close them, and will knock but donot lock doors, or they will see my bad side. Over the past years, she has learn to settle and follow my rules at home, even if in her house she is still a pest. It annoys me badly, but my Daughter likes her for the most part, so they come play at my house and follow my rules or they can play at all.

Good Luck.

[Sensitive]

It's sounds like the mother is reaching out to you, perhaps for just playdates for the kids, or maybe she just needs a friend to share mothering stories with. If she and the son has/had sexual abuse problems, wouldn't it be a kind and thoughtful gesture to help them rather then shun them as deviant neighbors?

[justean]

the too active on her part - is his behaviour - he has been expelled for this reason and the mother is choosing her words carefully to u. she knows the system isnt a bad one. he has to move , end of story.
im only asking - do you know what the sexually explicit behaviour is?

remember children wil explore and yes they wil do it in school.
i promise this and alot of the children/ teenagers in comprehensive schools are really different now. sex in the toilets at age 11. and this is fact.
in my sons school (all boys) boys who are gay, seem very open according to my nephew in the same school and in my ex school - (all girls) the girls in this same comp now , who are lesbians ,hold hands very often and again are open about their sexuality.
if it were me , id just keep a wide berth for now, until you get to understand the situation better.
edge on the side of caution, rather than putin your children at risk.
you can stil have teenage and younger sex offenders.
why dont you get some advice from your local police station. they might be able to say whats right to do in these situations. but i think your concern is for the right reason and dont take it for granted.

[mommy22]

The behavior involved lifting up girl's skirts, light fondling, and talk of spending the night together. Touching someone without consent is behaviorly inappropriate at any age IMO.

Also, bearing in mind that I do have a younger daughter as well.

Thanks Justean. For the record, I teach my kids not to judge others. They are not allowed to talk about differeent races, disabilities, etc. I haven't poisoned my son against this kid and haven't told him of my feelings. I try to protect them in that way as well. My son had just said to me, "Mom, I told that kid the other day that I couldn't play and he wanted me to just sneak off and do it anyway. I knew that wasn't right. I didn't want to break your rules. He does some strange things. I'm not so sure about playing with him."

The emotional tug-of-war comes in with Sensitive's comment. Believe me, if this didn't involve putting my kid at risk, I would certainly reach out to that woman. I still want to, but it's just a fine line.

Justean, thanks for the validation.

[justean]

strange enough this came up not long ago, with a neighbour. her daughter is 8 and the other girl from up the road was about 9. i say this because i think children do this to. but because the neighbours daughter is a good girl, the naughty one, just wanted to prove a point that she could get the neighbours daughter to sneak of.
well it worked and the good girl went missing. OMG. but it made the others in the street aware, when this happened.
i suppose im saying on the issue of age - it can happen whenever. but the naughty girl was devious in her nature.
unfortunately this boy that you know could also be of an age of sexual maturity. i admit i lost my virginity at 13, ok stupid. but because i did , it certainly didnt make me sleep around either or be a sexual deviant or molestor or those things. but regardless with this boy, there is 2 sides of the coin. there is a bigger picture. he might be innocent , he might not be.

mommy22 your very grounded in your values and the way you deal with issues and the fact that you have taught your child to talk to you and he told you of the incidence and he knew your boundaries as a mother. show you, your children have confidence in you.

[mommy22]

It's funny. When they were toddlers, I wondered when things would get easier. In some ways I think it gets harder. At least when they're toddlers you know what they're doing at all times!

[justean]

i agree with you on the harder bit. we could keep control when they were toddlers. now i havent got no chance. oh and i think ive decided to grow a spare tree out the back (the money tree).

[mommy22]

Originally Posted by justean

i agree with you on the harder bit. we could keep control when they were toddlers. now i havent got no chance. oh and i think ive decided to grow a spare tree out the back (the money tree).

no kidding!! I could use one of those just for groceries!!!

[LaBella]

I agree, the older they become the harder it is to keep up with them. Just keep your eyes open and don't push the issue. The kid might not be as bad as portrait, but you do not know. My DD was sexual abuse recently by an adult and it was a total shock to us.

If your son does not like the boy, then let him deal with the avoidance issue. If it becomes to much of a problem then be honest with the mom and tell her what you feel. Or just tell her that your son does not feel comfortable and does not want to play with her son and let her take it whatever way she wnats.

[They Call Me Smooth]

Well my advise might be a little rude but when I comes to my kids I don't play games. I might not want to hurt someones feelings but I refuse to beat around the bush when my kids lives are at stake. I would politely tell the mother I don't want my child around hers. I'll sugar coat it a little but my point will be very firm.

You leave this door open and it might come back to bite you. Remember times like these shape everything you child will be. And while you can't watch them 24/7 you can remove chances like this. Stop trying to look like a good guy and be firm in your beliefs. I'm sure you aren't the only parent that feels this way with this child.

TCMS

[Deejo]

Well, as the parent of a special needs child, I can tell you that having to deal with how your child is perceived by their peers, and the parents of those peers can be infuriating, and heart-breaking.

At the same time however, I find it odd that the mother requested the playdate. Any playdates my wife pursued were at my son's request. Usually, he would have had a positive interaction with the child, either at school, or a playground or whatever.

This kid sounds like he has severe ADHD. If he had been abused it certainly isn't his fault - and of course the tragedy only gets compounded if the parents choose to avoid or ignore the issues and treatments necessary to help their child. Many years ago I worked as a case manager with troubled kids. You wouldn't believe some of the things I dealt with.

If it is apparent that your son wants nothing to do with him, pursuing an interaction is unlikely to have good outcomes for anyone.

[mommy22]

Thank you Deejo. I can only imagine the isolation you must feel at times. I remember seeing a couple with a severly autisitc child and wondering how they did it. They always looked so spent.

In response to your insight about the mother requesting the play date, I got the sense that she was going from house to house to drop off the kids because she was asking where the houses were of other kids in the neighborhood. The child had repeatedly come over the day before and it wasn't a good time.

TCMS, for the record, I was never going to allow my child to play with the kid. I just wanted to know how to tactfully handle it with the mother. As I said, I don't like to burn bridges or hurt others where it is unnecessary. I was looking for a kind way to decline the offer. However, I'll always be in my children's corner even if requires burning bridges.

Fortunately, I think the mother could read my body language or expression in the exchange because I haven't seen her since.

After dealing with what we've been through this week, any playdates will be at the neighborhood pool under my direct supervision anyway.