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Hi everyone, I posted a subject in one of the other categories about my wife being clinically depressed (we have not even been married a year)...however, one thing that seems to push us apart is her relationship with her ex-husband and the 7 yr old son they share (he won custody).
I love the boy dearly and he adores me too...the problem is we had to move to England from New York (since our daughter passed away), but fortunately I earn enough to send her to New York every 4 weeks to her see her son.
I know they have a connection and I understand an appreciate she rings him very very frequently to say hi, how's things going etc...however, when they finish their conversation, her son passes the phone to her ex husband, who then proceeds with a long converstaion. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now and I have aired my grievance on many ocassions how I feel disrespected. But I know her son comes first and know they have to talk so have put it off for a while thinking she would see her husband comes before her ex-husband.
However what I don't like is her brashness at doing this in front of me. Now, I'm not saying there should be no contact or a specific time limit, what I'm asking is that she explains to him (as i would hope that she would want this too) to refrain from conversations whilst in my presence and respect that me and her are now married (not them). An example is this, I get up at 6am, go to work and come home tired and by 9pm I'm ready to go to sleep or watch a movie with my wife ready for the next day...every day or two she needs to ring her son, which is not a problem...however, there is a point where she needs to talk to her ex about her son (if she is here for the 4 weeks in England), again I have no problem with that. The problem I have is that sometimes these conversations can last 30, 45, 60 minutes...once it lasted 2.5 hours...once she spoke to him for 45mins whilst i was in the bed with her, while we were ready to go to sleep but she continued to talk to him like I wasn't even there...
So..it's got to the point where I have asked that he and she respect we are married and that any conversation they feel they need to have is done while I'm at work and that my wife and I have our QT time together at night when I get home....this has never happened.
I then found my wife had spoken to him and apologized to him for my "hard work" behaviour...
I mean, is it just me or is it disrespective (regardless of the son or relationship with her ex) to talk for so long on the phone, over the past 2 years, whilst in any spouse's company? I know I personally wouldn't dream of calling an ex in front of her.
By the way, this is a great site and I think the people on here are brilliant.
Agree this is a tough one. Am truly impressed you have the where-with-all to have her fly to NY every four weeks! Cool. It is very good of you to ensure she stay connected with her very young ds.
I am a parent of four and I don't see why she needs to speak with her ex for more than 10 minutes, unless her son is having issues. In that case the ex could TEXT the issues, and she text back her responses. Keep it more business-like.
The other issue you are dealing with is the TIME ZONE. At 9pm your time, what is it, 2-3pm HIS time? This is about the time he gets out of school am I not correct?
Since she speaks with ex in front of you do you notice any inappropriateness in the exchange? If not, I would just be pleased she wasn't hiding her conversations in that regard.
I do believe she is speaking with ex too much. Find out why.
You don't want to come across as a jealous cad.
Thank you Miz Smith..I agree, she should respect my wishes, but she isn't doing so...but thinking about what you said I have maybe now understood that it is more profitable for her to talk to her son when I am there too.
This procedure would be good because what happens is they have a 3-way conversation. He (the ex) puts his phone on speaker phone, so it's like Mommy, Daddy and son all having a 3-way chat...which in reality it should not be so, as I'm sure her son has realised, they have divorced. If I'm there then it would stop these long conversations (and at my expense).
I only asked she speak to him behind my back as it is over and done with before I come home and then she speaks to her son at night and then it's good night, you know.
My compromise, as you say, was that they can chat about their son...no man would be nice if they didn't allow this...but when it's about things that "may" happen in 6 months or it's about trivial day-2-day topical news items then I find that inappropriate, like an email can not explain that, yes/no?
As for her relationship with her ex, I think he puts pressure on her, she fears him, because he got custody, he has the final say, so she feels like if he needs to chat away that she should do as he wishes to keep in his good books...my feeling is he is an "ex", yes there is a connection and there are important things to talk about their son but because he has not moved on, got into a relationship she is the only one he really talks to...but he can be scathing towards her, which does not make me happy. And being from England (and I'm sure any human being would be like this) if anyone is disrespectful to your spouse you take exception.
It's a tough position to be in and she feels as though she has to please all parties, and I appreciate that.
Thank you Sandy. Her son does not have issues, having said that he will use excuses (like any child) to get away with schoolwork and homework etc...and when he does this they think there is something wrong with him. For instance he is smart, even at 6, to use the divorce as a reason to sleep in class or whatever, you know.
The teachers and the psychologists (yes, they gave him therapy) have said he is such a happy boy..and what the parents don't do its let him be and let him get on with things at his own pace. They pressure him to do well at school (I guess that is an American thing?)..even when it's homework they would shout at him, yet when i taught him I approached it differently and made it interesting for him and would take hours to make sure he could spell one word or whatever it was, you know.
Yes, the time zone is as you say. So when it's 8pm, 9pm it's when he has got home from school. And I know there are the "is he there?" comments from her ex..which then results in restraint conversation..if I'm not there then it's a free-for-all as far as they are concerned.
I personally agree with you, she spends too much time talking to her ex, and about trivial things..and the kid is not going through any issues. He was in a predominantly spanish speaking class of kids (he is a white NYC boy), so he lacks that connection with them. Because of this they think he is suffering, he isn't, he just hates school and because of this they feel they need to talk every day or two about it and then say the reason for talking about it for so long is because their son has issues...yet, he doesn't.
I just hope one day (soon) they both realise there is a new marriage on the cards, 2 people who should have their time. I'm no jealous guy, I want her to be in touch with her son at any given moment, but like what happens here in England, an ex is an ex...and like I said above, he can be scathing towards her, he still wants to dominate her and I've allowed it to go on too long...from now on she restricts/restrains the long conversations unless it's an emergency or a genuine chat about how her son is doing. They stillhave email to be in contact. I also want to point out it's not like they cannot talk about the whole thing when she goes back to America in that 4 week period, does it really need to be talked about when she is here? I'm not sure
Thank you Sandy. Her son does not have issues, having said that he will use excuses (like any child) to get away with schoolwork and homework etc...and when he does this they think there is something wrong with him. For instance he is smart, even at 6, to use the divorce as a reason to sleep in class or whatever, you know.
The teachers and the psychologists (yes, they gave him therapy) have said he is such a happy boy..and what the parents don't do its let him be and let him get on with things at his own pace. They pressure him to do well at school (I guess that is an American thing?)..even when it's homework they would shout at him, yet when i taught him I approached it differently and made it interesting for him and would take hours to make sure he could spell one word or whatever it was, you know.
Yes, the time zone is as you say. So when it's 8pm, 9pm it's when he has got home from school. And I know there are the "is he there?" comments from her ex..which then results in restraint conversation..if I'm not there then it's a free-for-all as far as they are concerned.
I personally agree with you, she spends too much time talking to her ex, and about trivial things..and the kid is not going through any issues. He was in a predominantly spanish speaking class of kids (he is a white NYC boy), so he lacks that connection with them. Because of this they think he is suffering, he isn't, he just hates school and because of this they feel they need to talk every day or two about it and then say the reason for talking about it for so long is because their son has issues...yet, he doesn't.
I just hope one day (soon) they both realise there is a new marriage on the cards, 2 people who should have their time. I'm no jealous guy, I want her to be in touch with her son at any given moment, but like what happens here in England, an ex is an ex...and like I said above, he can be scathing towards her, he still wants to dominate her and I've allowed it to go on too long...from now on she restricts/restrains the long conversations unless it's an emergency or a genuine chat about how her son is doing. They still have email to be in contact. I also want to point out it's not like they cannot talk about the whole thing when she goes back to America in that 4 week period, does it really need to be talked about when she is here? I'm not sure
Rgds
Paul
My friend I can totally relate to your problem. I am in the same boat, My wife's ex has shared custody and lives a half mile away
They have a 13 yr Son. I have been with her 8 yrs married 7 and have threatened to leave. if she did not set boundaries.
I tell her all the time. I am the one she married her ex is the one that controls her. She lets him in my house when i told her
not too and lies to me about conversation. Knows that i check her work email and now deletes all entry's from him.
I have discussed the meaning of a wife and her role and the meaning of an ex husband.
I guess its my own fault. I let them both get away with it. i should have known when he did a background check on me.
She is more of afraid of him then me leaving witch is going to be my next step. She's afraid of cutting her sons hair short. because he might get mad. He called her tonight wanting to know why he could not spend the day with his friends instead of handing out with his mother. She has to sugar coats it for him. instead of just saying my day. i said no.
I am tired of just being the live in male for comfort.
I hope you get your wife to understand. Mine just doesn't give a ****. its been going on 8yrs she will never change or i will be lied to about it.
who knows maybe she wants to go back to her u date one night stands.
Her EX hubby
