Should I do a paternity test - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 16Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 01:48 AM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Should I do a paternity test

I have a 6 year old child and I share custody with my ex wife for 4 years now. I have OCD and 2 years ago in a fight my ex wife said the child is not yours. She said it in another fight and when I asked whose is he she said IDK and she said other time he is not mine he is hers. 2x total she said it. Then another time when she wad calm I brought it up and she said go ahead do DNA test but the child is yours, then said look at him, he looks just like you, why do you need test? After those 2 years we had bigger fights but she never mentioned it.

My mother said that in our culture women tend to say such stuff to make their ex angry and the child has many of my features. My shrink thinks it is unlikely to be true

However, since I met my ex wife I had urological issues and more often than not I couldnt perform and many times couldnt ejaculate. I cant remember how my performance was in mid 2006 when the child was concieved.

My ex never went out with friends or was home alone but she did work in a pizza place that year from 4pm to 4am on weekends. There were also other people all women except delivery drivers working with her, people from our culture and often her sister as well. I doubt she cheated on me but nothing is guaranteed.

Now here is the problem. If I do the test, I will feel happy if it says I am bio dad. But my OCD maybe would make me question the accuracy if an online test.

If the test show I am not the dad then that is the problem. I dont wanna lose the child and I wanna be his dad regardless but should the test show I am not bio dad then that would kill me. Then I would fear when will my ex find out, how to tell the kid etc etc

Should I do that test or just forget about it????

PS. Ex and I are going to litigate because there has been some change in circumstances but nothing to do with paternity. I am also worried she may some day say YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER but if it was so I guess shr would do it by now in 4 years.
Posted via Mobile Device


Last edited by BHF; 12-31-2012 at 02:02 AM.
BHF is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 02:09 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,995
Re: Should I do a paternity test

In most places, any child born into a marriage is the legal child of the husband. You are legally your son's father. It would not matter if she proved in court that you are not his bio dad... you cannot be stripped of that legal status unless there is another man willing to take over the legal status of father and you agree to this.

If it were me, I'd run the test. I would not tell her that I was doing it, but I would get the test done. I would use the best test lab I could afford.

Or get 3 less expensive tests and see if they all come up with same answer.
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 02:25 AM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Re: Should I do a paternity test

In Canada paternity laws are bit different than is some states. If the test was negative then I would live in fear as I am now plus maybe my love towards the child would eventually fade
Posted via Mobile Device and I dont want that
BHF is offline  
 
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 02:47 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,995
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Quote:
Originally Posted by BHF View Post
In Canada paternity laws are bit different than is some states. If the test was negative then I would live in fear as I am now plus maybe my love towards the child would eventually fade

and I dont want that
You will of course need to check with an attorney on the legal issue. Knowing if you are his bio father would give you the advantage of being able to plan ahead for any tacktics she might try.


Do you really think that after all the love you have for your son that you would love him less if you are not his bio dad?

Does your uncertainty of paternity affect your love for your son? If it does you need to find out so that you have the turth and so does your son.

I have an adopted son (24 yrs old now) who we adopted at the age of 10 days old. There is no difference in the love for an adopted child.
EleGirl is online now  
post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 03:01 AM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Re: Should I do a paternity test

My only fear is that I may lose him. If it turned out that I am not the bio dad then there are million ways to lose him. Uncertenty doesnt bother me to love him and take care of him, but I cant see any good in knowing if he wasnt mine.

Someone said leave it alone and love your son, if your ex brings it up, deal with it then.

Soon my ex and I might end up in court so if she dont bring it up then I believe I have nothing to fear
Posted via Mobile Device
BHF is offline  
post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 01:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 215
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Personally, I would have to know just for my own peace of mind. Not that it would change anything, but I would want to know.
d4life is offline  
post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 02:02 PM
Member
 
larry.gray's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,382
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
In most places, any child born into a marriage is the legal child of the husband. You are legally your son's father. It would not matter if she proved in court that you are not his bio dad... you cannot be stripped of that legal status unless there is another man willing to take over the legal status of father and you agree to this.
This doesn't apply to the OP since he mentioned he is in Canada, but FYI:

That was one true but is no longer in 47 states. In the last decade men's rights groups have been very effective in getting the law changed due to the wide availability of DNA paternity testing and the injustice of just what you are describing.
larry.gray is offline  
post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by d4life View Post
Personally, I would have to know just for my own peace of mind. Not that it would change anything, but I would want to know.
Yes but Im afraid the home kit test may come inconclusive as they said if the swab is not done correct it could give false results or sometimes the test comes back neither positive nor negative which would make me stress more, plus the child is going through chemotherapy which puts more doubt in my head about test accuracy.

And should the trst be negative how would I live with a secret that I am not bio dad?
Posted via Mobile Device
BHF is offline  
post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 04:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 215
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Quote:
Originally Posted by BHF View Post
Yes but Im afraid the home kit test may come inconclusive as they said if the swab is not done correct it could give false results or sometimes the test comes back neither positive nor negative which would make me stress more, plus the child is going through chemotherapy which puts more doubt in my head about test accuracy.

And should the trst be negative how would I live with a secret that I am not bio dad?
Posted via Mobile Device
I am so sorry that he is not well at the moment. Since he is undergoing chemo I would let it go for now. That changes everything for me. Just wait it out. Let him get better and later if you still have this feeling of wanting to know test him then.

As far as not being the bio dad, that should be a non issue really. Plenty of people adopt and I see no different. One of my brother in laws is adopted and the love in our family is no different. That test will not, or should not, change the love that you have for your son. It will change your feelings for your ex wife, but since you are already divorced that should be OK too.

Praying for your son to get better.
d4life is offline  
post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Thank you
Posted via Mobile Device

BHF is offline  
post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 05:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 17,203
Re: Should I do a paternity test

You've loved this boy every day of his life. When he says "Dad", he's talking about you. When you say "son", you're talking about him. That proof is more valid and binding than any DNA test in my book. On the off-chance there might be some other sperm donor, whoever that person is hasn't done squat for your son. Your son doesn't know him and he certainly doesn't love him. He's not the father, regardless of what some lab tech says. I'd chalk it up to the senseless mooing of an angry, spiteful cow. You can't let hostile women steal your peace or drive you crazy. You know who and what you are. She can't beat you up, so she tries to hurt you the same way women have been trying to hurt guys since time began...they threaten to separate fathers from their kids. It's vile and vicious and hell has a special corner waiting for them. That witch can call you "dad" or the Easter Bunny. What matters is what you and your feel for each other.
unbelievable is offline  
post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 05:21 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,995
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Ontario where the judge ruled that a person who has filled the role of father to children for an extended period can be forced to pay child support and otherwise to continue to serve in the role of father even if the children are not biologically his.

Read more: Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com



Look under sections 94/95

JP Boyd's BC Family Law Resource: Other Family Law Issues > Paternity Issues

Search for the laws in your provence.
EleGirl is online now  
post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
You've loved this boy every day of his life. When he says "Dad", he's talking about you. When you say "son", you're talking about him. That proof is more valid and binding than any DNA test in my book. On the off-chance there might be some other sperm donor, whoever that person is hasn't done squat for your son. Your son doesn't know him and he certainly doesn't love him. He's not the father, regardless of what some lab tech says. I'd chalk it up to the senseless mooing of an angry, spiteful cow. You can't let hostile women steal your peace or drive you crazy. You know who and what you are. She can't beat you up, so she tries to hurt you the same way women have been trying to hurt guys since time began...they threaten to separate fathers from their kids. It's vile and vicious and hell has a special corner waiting for them. That witch can call you "dad" or the Easter Bunny. What matters is what you and your feel for each other.
Ty for this post. It is very thought and so true. I needed a post like this and I read it 3x. Thanks again
Posted via Mobile Device
BHF is offline  
post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 10:16 PM Thread Starter
BHF
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Ontario where the judge ruled that a person who has filled the role of father to children for an extended period can be forced to pay child support and otherwise to continue to serve in the role of father even if the children are not biologically his.

Read more: Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com

Look under sections 94/95

JP Boyd's BC Family Law Resource: Other Family Law Issues > Paternity Issues

Search for the laws in your provence.
Ty for encoureging me that should the worst happen that I still have a chance to keep my son. If it happens I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son whom I raised more than his mom did, he spent more time with me, medical was done more by me and dental solely done by me as well as education. My only weakness is...well....emotional weakness
Posted via Mobile Device
BHF is offline  
post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-31-2012, 10:21 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,995
Re: Should I do a paternity test

Quote:
Originally Posted by BHF View Post
Ty for encoureging me that should the worst happen that I still have a chance to keep my son. If it happens I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son whom I raised more than his mom did, he spent more time with me, medical and dental was done by me and education. My only weakness is...well....emotional weakness
Yes I want to encourage you to fight for him no matter the circumstances. You are his dad.. just ask him. The most important thing here is what is in the best interest of your son. He has a daddy. It would be wrong after all this time to take his dad away from him. This is why you fight.

When a child loses a parent, after years of attachment to the parent it causes the child permanent emotional harm. No child should suffer this.
EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
PLEASE HELP,New wife wants me to get a paternity test castaway General Relationship Discussion 33 11-17-2012 06:25 PM
Marriage and Paternity Testing MrsQualls The Family & Parenting Forums 3 09-16-2012 12:11 PM
Mandatory paternity tests costa200 The Ladies' Lounge 622 09-09-2012 08:01 PM
paternity testing at birth anonim The Men's Clubhouse 55 08-24-2012 07:25 AM
Paternity test information needed razorsedge Coping with Infidelity 36 04-25-2012 01:16 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome