I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

I have been married to DH for 6 months, together almost 2 years, lived together the whole time. He has a daughter from his first marriage who is 12. She used to only come over on weekends, until her mom moved to another state. She has been living with us full time since September of last year. My issue is DH parents her out of guilt. If there is a rule in place she doesn't like she will tell him she hates him / hates it at our house, and he'll give in. My breaking point was yesterday, I turned the internet off while we were at work since she was home all day and she sent him a text message "You can't trust me with the internet? I hate hate hate it here !!!" What happens? He APOLOGIZES to her !!!!! Are you KIDDING ME? NO, a 12 year old should not have access to the full internet when there is no adult around, although DH believes that DSD is an angel and will never get into any trouble. And NO I canít trust you since you lied straight to my face about being up till 3am on video chat with random people ! I really want to say ďif you hate it so much hereÖ. Then go back to your moms house and let the internet raise you !Ē She hates our house so much because we do have rules and regulations, her mom has none. However, DH doesnít help me enforce these rules, and always gives in to her ! I don't want her to have full access to the internet, and he won't put any block on it. He also doesn't believe in checking her Facebook/Skype/Text messages. I believe she can have full privacy when she's 18. At 12 years old she does not need to be given freedom like an adult. Itís putting a lot of strain on my marriage. Iím to the point where I want nothing to do with her. Any advice ?!
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Old 01-22-2013, 03:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

You need to have a sit down talk with him and get him to understand that if he doesn't help you enforce rules, your relationship can be at risk. If he continues to undermine your authority, you will have no respect from either of them.
What would happen if you acted like her? If you told him you hated it there because your words of authority and enforcement mean nothing to him, as he won't back you up.
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Old 01-22-2013, 03:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

You also need to respect some of his decisions and compromise on the rules.
Has she given you reason to mistrust her Internet usage?
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Old 01-22-2013, 03:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

I dont think the main problem is your step daughter, I think it's your husband. The two of you are not on the same page when it comes to parenting your SD. He wants to be her friend and not the parent. He wants to keep the peace. The problem with this is that it can destroy a marriage because if the other person does not have a voice in what happens or does not feel like their view matters, that person gets hurt. Like you are right now.

My BIL is going through this very thing and is about to get divorced because of it. They have been married for almost 20 years. The kids play a huge roll in this too because they will play one against the other to get their way. It's awful.

After talking to him I see where he really needed to sometimes pick his battles. He would get upset over small things that at the end of the day really should not have mattered, but because things have gone on for so long, now the small things eat him alive.

You and your husband need to get help now. Go talk to someone who can help with parenting. You also need to pick your battles. That's very important. If you dont get help and get on the same page with this it's never going to work. It would be the same way if the two of you had a child together. You have to see eye to eye. You have to respect with the other one says and come to an agreement together. Parenting is so very hard and you have to be willing to compromise.

At 12 years old, this child is right at the age where she can go one of two ways, she can be happy and hang out with the good kids, make good grades and good choices OR she can be so pissed at you that she rebels and gets into things you never want to have to deal with. You better get this worked out now because you are about to have to start parenting through some mighty hard times and you cant do it alone. She is at the age where all of this started with my BIL. Don't let her control your marriage by controlling your husband. Get help now.

ETA: Unless she has given you a reason to think she is in danger I would leave the internet on. My kids have been on it for years and they have been fine. Just set some rules with it. Put parental controls on and trust her a little. Be open and honest with her about what you and your husband expect. What site was she on? My kids are normally up late on weekends too but that's just kids.

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Old 01-22-2013, 03:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

Does she have the option to live with her mother? These years can be very trying.
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Old 01-22-2013, 03:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Do you talk about and agree on the rules with your DH FIRST, or do you make the rule & just expect your DH to back you up? There is a big difference between the two.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

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Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
You also need to respect some of his decisions and compromise on the rules.
Has she given you reason to mistrust her Internet usage?
Posted via Mobile Device
Yes she has. She looks up inappropriate websites and video chats with strangers. I have told her many times that there are bad men out there who do bad things to little girls, and she needs to stop talking to people she doesn't know.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

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Do you talk about and agree on the rules with your DH FIRST, or do you make the rule & just expect your DH to back you up? There is a big difference between the two.
I definitely talk to my husband about "rules" first and get his input. He usually agrees, then backtracks when it comes time to enforcing them.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

Then as D4life said, the problem is with your husband. If he is not on board, you are fighting a losing battle. It is his child, not yours (assuming you didn't adopt). And I have 2 step-children, so I know that just makes parenting more difficult. And guilt is a powerful weapon a child can use in that situation.

It is great that you are concerned for her safety, but her biggest threat is from her own father's willingness to abdicate his parental responsibilities in order to make up for her broken home - regardless of whether that was within his control or not.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

I know that my issue is with DH for his lack of parenting. But DSD is no dummy, she knows when she can play her dad against me to get her way. It was just her and daddy for about 5 years before I came into the picture. She's never liked me. She would text her mom "SM is getting all of the attention AGAIN." Almost every weekend. (I know this because BM and I are friends) She tells her dad at least once a week "You don't love me" When she is asking for something, she will quietly ask her dad even if it has something to do with me directly. He has gotten better with making her ask me.

DH and I were raised completely different. He didn't have a dad around, and his mom was too busy working 2 jobs to be there for supervision. At 12 he was running the streets. I grew up in suburbia with my mom and step dad. My mom was very involved with what I was doing as a kid and I had a lot of rules.

Now we're trying to combine the 2. I fully believe that children should have rules to follow, and consequences in place if said rules are broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have set up dates for just the 2 of them every month. They just recently went and saw Mama together. I do not keep her dad from her. I am not selfish with his time. I know she is his child and she has precedence. I have tried to get her to do things with me she enjoys, crafts, riding bikes, etc... but she never wants to do them. I bought all but 2 of her Christmas presents.

Recently one of her friends posted on a FB post that I commented on saying "You must be her ****ed up step mom. **** you and your rachet ass self." I'm sure DSD thinks very highly of me.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

You know she is being manipulative, he doesn't. I think family counseling is your best bet, but that HAS to come from him. He needs to tell her you are all 3 going, it can't come from you. If he won't do that, I don't know what other options you have. You can't force him to make the right decision.

You're avatar has a baby in the picture. Do you have a younger child as well? That can certainly add to the dynamics.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at my breaking point with Step Daughter

Yes. DH and I have an 8 month old little boy. DSD LOVES her brother. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't be living with us. He is her only reason for not going to live with her mom.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes. DH and I have an 8 month old little boy. DSD LOVES her brother. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't be living with us. He is her only reason for not going to live with her mom.
Your husband will do the same thing with your son too. It's just his parenting style. It may have a little to do with the broken home but I really think it's his style. He needs to stop.

I knew this kind of thing happened but my BIL opened my eyes to a lot of this over the weekend. He is in YOUR shoes. He has all but checked out of the marriage because of the way his wife does him. This is why I say to get help. If I was under minding my husband all the time he would get mad, just like you are. You have to agree to stand together.

By the way, if she has friends who are posting that kind of crap about you on facebook you have problems. She should not be hanging with people who disrespect adults like that online or off. That is a huge red flag to me. Maybe she needs to be in some kind of therapy too.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes she has. She looks up inappropriate websites and video chats with strangers. I have told her many times that there are bad men out there who do bad things to little girls, and she needs to stop talking to people she doesn't know.
Is she doing the Chatroulette? I dont like that either and my kids are not allowed on it. Very dangerous IMO. My kids showed it to me once and there was creepy old men on there half nude. No, I would put my foot down with that one for sure.

Is she face timing with friends? I am fine with that for my kids, as long as they know them.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Is she doing the Chatroulette? I dont like that either and my kids are not allowed on it. Very dangerous IMO. My kids showed it to me once and there was creepy old men on there half nude. No, I would put my foot down with that one for sure.

Is she face timing with friends? I am fine with that for my kids, as long as they know them.
She was doing Chatroulette but now she does the video chat Via Facebook and she clicks "meet someone new". Pretty much the same thing. I found out because she did it on my laptop one night.
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