Husband's request - please weigh in
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband's request - please weigh in

I would appreciate a little third party, healthy feedback. Here is the situation:

My husband was fired from his high level job a little over a year ago. He was let go due to ongoing conflict with the chairman of the board. My husband was really devestated, but is now with another company and is trying to move on. Still feels wounded, though.

My brother is in a similar field of business, and was fired from his job about a year ago. Despite many interviews, he has not yet regained employment, and is definitely anxious about his financial situation and the state of the economy. He is divorced, and would prefer not to move away from his children.

Recently, my brother was asked to interview for my husband's old job. My husband is feeling like he just could not handle having my brother do this and would like me to tell my brother to back off. "Right or wrong, this is the way I feel and your brother needs to respect that."

My first gut feeling was that my husband should take the higher road and give his blessing to my brother to proceed with the interview process. After all, we are talking about my brother's financial/career situation, not an ex-girlfriend. Historically, I have been a self-sacrificer and made decisions to the benefit of the other person, even if I take a hit in doing so. This is the way I have always been, and it has definitely caused conflict in my marriage. My husband has historically been on the other end of the spectrum - more self centered, making decisions that preserve his own interests, even if it means that the other person takes the hit.

What do you think is the right and healthy thing to do here?

Much, much thanks...
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Husband's request - please weigh in

A man doesn't interfere with another mans lively hood. Your husband blew it, and its time to get over it.
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

IMO he should be happy for your brother if he gets his old job...He's not there anymore, so why would he care?
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

Perhaps your H cherishes hope that his old company will want him back when the COB retires.

Perhaps your H is afraid your brother will do as well (or better than) he, himself, did.

Either way, your H needs to step off! In this economy, no one can afford to starve for your H's PRIDE. And that is REALLY all this is about: your H's PRIDE.

Tell your husband you support your brother going for the job. Then IMMEDIATELY tell your brother that YOU support him going for the job. If your H wants to let his pride rule his better sense in relation to 'security' for the greater family unit, then he's a fool. Let him have enough balls to tell your brother HIMSELF that he doesn't want BIL to go for the job.

I hope your brother gets the job. And I hope your H gets over it!
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

How does your brother accepting that position affect your husband? Just pride or something else?
Your brother needs a job and if he's qualified, they'll hire him.
I don't know all the details, but I could imagine your brother being offended and holding a serious grudge if you asked him not to accept that position.
I see more drama with you following your husband's request with what little I know.
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

it's up to your brother. What have you got to do with it? I think your brother should be on here asking and not you. If he's close to your husband then yeah it would be a slap in the face. It's kinda like dating your best friends girlfriend. That ain't kewl
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Husband's request - please weigh in

1. Your husband is out of line. Does he really think that he has any claim to that job any longer? We are ALL replaceable in the workforce. Best get used to it.

2. Your brother was granted an interview. You don't know if he will get the job.
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Husband's request - please weigh in

Tell him if he doesn't want your brother to take the job then he can pay all his bills and living expenses. Put his money where his mouth is.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.
I was wondering the same thing.

Just doesn't make sense that your husband would stand in the way of your brothers ability to make a living.

I think he doesn't want him to be at this job for some other reason.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Husband's request - please weigh in

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.
You're probably right. The real reason he was fired will come out. Scandalous.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Tell him if he doesn't want your brother to take the job then he can pay all his bills and living expenses. Put his money where his mouth is.
Perhaps your brother can just move in with you guys.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

2ntnuf - Interesting that you would write that.

Indeed, my husband had an affair with someone at work. The affair is over. The OW no longer works for the company, either. All of that drama is posted on the CWI forum. The affair was presumably not known to anyone else at the company, and my husband did not lose his job due to that. My brother knows that my husband and I are having major marriage issues, and suspects that infidelity is part of the picture, but he does not know any of the details.

I didn't include any of that in the summary of the dilemma, because I didn't feel it was an essential element to the conflict. My husband's probelm with me is that I have historically been a "giver", sometimes in situations when maybe I should have been a "taker". I'll give him that. However, my problem with my husband is just the opposite - a taker in situations when he should have been a giver. My husband still has a lot of emotional baggage from losing that job, and thinks that the emotional backwash of my brother successfully taking over that position would be unbearable. Yes, definitely a pride thing.

As I wrote in the original post, my first reaction was that my husband would just need to get over his ego problem and take the higher road. Because of my tendancy to be a self sacrificer, I felt the need to check in with the court of public opinion.

Let me also say that my husband and I are in MC, and working hard to rebuild this marriage. This dilemma is minor compared to the work that we are doing on the infidelity piece, but is interestingly related due to the giver/taker dynamic which is inherently part of infidelity anyway.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

It was just an educated guess. I don't remember reading your thread. I don't recognize your username.

What that means to me is, he is working on himself and these issues will be revealed and worked on in counseling and at home? I hope so. You have something now that blends with the rest of what you have written here.

I hope you work it out and you are both happy.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's request - please weigh in

I was thinking more about the reason he was fired. I bet there is a different reason altogether than what he told you.

Or there might be more to the affair (or more than one) that you aren't aware of.

He doesn't want your brother finding out what he was up to. It isn't about his ego, it is about protecting himself. Ego to me, doesn't make sense in this case.
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