Trouble with parents
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »The Family & Parenting Forums » Trouble with parents

The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

Like Tree2Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-26-2013, 06:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Default Trouble with parents

Looking for some advice.

I'm 30 years old and I live with my gf. We live relatively near my parents home, some 2 hours away.

Yesterday I had a another "situation" with them and I'm so frustrated I decided to seek help online from you guys.

This is the story; my mother called my gf and she told her how it would be great "they" come over for visit. My gf said "of course".

Then my GF called me up from work, and told me they said they are coming to visit, and I immediately asked her "who exactly is coming, both of them or one of them"?

So she called my mother back and asked something about preparing lunch and what would they want, and my mother said "oh you don't need to do anything special, I'll come alone, my husband has some plans for tomorrow so he won't come".

BS. I called my father and asked him what is he doing tomorrow, and he said "nothing special, why?"

My mother did this many times and I'm sick of it.

So let me explain their situation and you be the judge. My parents work together, they have their own company. They live in the same house, but in separate rooms. But it's the same house.

I'm sick of playing double telephone with them, if I call my mother up and tell her about whatever, I know I'm supposed to call my father also, because she certainly won't tell him that I've called.

When I was living in another town, few years ago, they always came to visit me together. It was a 4 hour drive so I guess they figured it's economical to carpool.

Now that I'm "near by" they (my mother for the most part) come in halves.


I threw a fit yesterday about it and my gf caught flak for it, she tried to explain to me how I won't change them or bring them back together. But that's not what I want. I don't want to play Oprah with them, I just want my parents to respect me and my girlfriend, and if they can live on the same address and work in the same company, is it really that outlandish to expect them to visit me together?

Anyway...I'm open to all suggestions...thanks for listening.
Kezkin is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-26-2013, 07:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,668
Default Re: Trouble with parents

My advice... Accept the fact that your parents are separated and living separate lives, even if they share the same physical address. Sounds like they've got things worked out between them. It doesn't need to affect you. So let it go.

How would you handle it if they DID separate/divorce? Start treating them that way, and just ignore the fact that they live in the same house.

And don't put your girlfriend in the middle of all this, or take it out in her. Unless you want her to be an ex-girlfriend.

C
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 07:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
SlowlyGettingWiser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: On the cusp of something great!
Posts: 1,456
Default Re: Trouble with parents

As PBear says, ACT AS THOUGH they *are* divorced...because in THEIR minds, they are.

Pretend the house has two actual DIFFERENT physical addresses and two actual DIFFERENT phone numbers (just as though one of them had moved out.)
  • 2 Christmas/Hannukah cards
  • 2 invitations to wedding
  • 2 phone calls with good news
  • 2 invitations to Thanksgiving dinner (with knowledge that each one's "EX-SPOUSE" has also been invited

See, not that tough! Just treat it as a DONE DEAL. You have divorced parents. Some people say, "Why get married, it's just a piece of paper?" Your parents have said, "Why get divorced, it's just a piece of paper?" And they each have MORE access to MORE assets than they would have with a PIECE OF PAPER DIVORCE.
SlowlyGettingWiser is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 11:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Just now...my mother, out of the blue, told

"I'm gonna sleep over here".

I'm literally fuming now...I can't express it...no word


She comes over, lying to me and my gf that my father said "he has other business to do" - which he doesn't, so he's lying about my f***ing father, and she throws the "oh I'm gonna sleep over and tomorrow we're going out to lunch" plan...

Of course, my gf is nodding her head to whatever my mom says....I'm speechless right now...I'm too old for this...

Last edited by Kezkin; 01-26-2013 at 12:21 PM.
Kezkin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 12:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Kurosity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Utah
Posts: 626
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Just wondering what boundaries are lacking if your mother can assume she can just invite herself to stay the night? I think you are missing a few boundaries and so is you gf.

You may be unhappy/ loath the life style your parents have chosen for their marriage but it is theirs to do with as they choose and you need to accept that.
It may suck that you have to call your dad to see if he will be joining your mother in a visit but if you want both of them to visit at the same time then you might want to say it out right to them. No one gets what they want with out asking, being direct and sometimes not even then but until you speak up nothing has the potential to change.
As for her Lying about your father "having other business to do" he might have said that to her for all you know or she is trying to spare your feelings with out trashing out their personal lives to her child and his gf. Cut your mom some slack and give them both the benefit of the doubt.
Kurosity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 12:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Thundarr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Carolinas
Posts: 2,236
Default Re: Trouble with parents

It's normal to be frustrated but it's a lot less stressful to chalk it up as something out of your control. People have a way of pulling back when they feel pressured. You may end up not seeing either of them very often if there's restrictions other than obvious ones like respecting you and your wife and your kids.
__________________
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Thundarr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 04:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Default Re: Trouble with parents

I may be the biggest family hitler of all time, but for the life of me I can't, by any means, understand why is it THAT hard to call me up and say

"Hey! You lousy no good son! Guess what, I'm coming over and sleep there!"

I can't.

She didn't say she'll sleep over, and now I found out that she kept her traveling bag in the car up until the point where it's too late for me to even fathom the reason for her to "not crash".

We are hour and half away! It's not like she crossed the 7 seas to get here.

I didn't deserve this. First the shenanigan with my pops, now this, and my gf isn't on my side in this.

I'm furious.

I don't care if she wants to sleep over. CALL ME and say it "I'll come and sleep!". Just say it!
Kezkin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 11:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,722
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Your mother misses you. She and your father need to live separate lives, for their own reasons (none of your business). So they operate separately. She wants to be with you and it has nothing to do with what your father wants. And you treat her like a pirhanha and act like a spoiled brat AND you treat your gf poorly as well. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should apologize to BOTH women in your life.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 02:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 217
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Your mother misses you. She and your father need to live separate lives, for their own reasons (none of your business). So they operate separately. She wants to be with you and it has nothing to do with what your father wants. And you treat her like a pirhanha and act like a spoiled brat AND you treat your gf poorly as well. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should apologize to BOTH women in your life.
I'm glad that you said this because that is what I was thinking too.

I would be so hurt if my son treated me that way. Not only that, but seeing my BF act that way towards me and his mother would show me that he has no respect for the women in his life and their feelings. It would be enough to make me leave and never come back.

If they are both still speaking to you, count yourself lucky.
d4life is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 02:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,722
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kezkin View Post
I may be the biggest family hitler of all time, but for the life of me I can't, by any means, understand why is it THAT hard to call me up and say

"Hey! You lousy no good son! Guess what, I'm coming over and sleep there!"

I can't.

She didn't say she'll sleep over, and now I found out that she kept her traveling bag in the car up until the point where it's too late for me to even fathom the reason for her to "not crash".

We are hour and half away! It's not like she crossed the 7 seas to get here.

I didn't deserve this. First the shenanigan with my pops, now this, and my gf isn't on my side in this.

I'm furious.

I don't care if she wants to sleep over. CALL ME and say it "I'll come and sleep!". Just say it!
btw, it's pretty obvious from the way you write that you act OUT this opinion in front of her, either upfront or passive aggressively, so I guarantee she knows you don't want her around, yet she's so desparate to see her son that she's willing to 'unspeakingly' beg you to get to stay over because she's afraid of your reaction if she has to say it out loud. Your own mother is afraid of you.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 07:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 162
Default Re: Trouble with parents

kezkin I dont htink anyone is on your side here... If you have the space then you are literally freaking out over nothing. She is your mom and she is lonely... Does she spend way too much time at your place? You seem to really hate her for something... what is it?
FryFish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-29-2013, 01:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Default Re: Trouble with parents

My mother is definitely not afraid of me. I dont understand any of your reasons.

If she was afraid to me, she wouldnt pack her bags. She did pack her bags, and she left them in the car so I wouldnt find out up until it was too late.

That only shows she has no respect towards me, which Im literally furious about.

Yes she is my mother, that doesnt mean I will nod my head to anything she does or says, I dont care what others think about it. Im 30 years old, and if I cant be honest and show my feelings in front of my mom - and vice versa - then I guess Ill act on emotion.

I wont let her do to me what she did to my father.

And yes, it IS all of my business no matter what you guys say to me.



Ever since I was 15 I was bound to listen my mother talking crap about my father (in a passive agressive way) and listen to my father cry about it to me. I was the messenger, middleman to both of them.

So, if they both took the liberty to use me for those purposes as a kid, I will definitely, despite the cost, be up front and honest to them.

And I dont buy into that "oh she was your mother you lived under her roof". Oh so that makes it right? Well...ok. Now I dont live under her roof.

I wont never ever let her run my life in a way she thinks its supposed to run. She made all those plans to her own accord and acted surprised when I found out about it. Funny how that coincides with years and years of the same MO with my father. But - when she needs someone to help her in her business, my naive father is there. In all other situations, social, family related, somehow my father always gets forgotten.


And Im supposed to be the good son and smile to all of it now, 5 years later, 10 years later, in front of my kids maybe etc.


Um, no but thank you anyway.


This whole situation is a result of my mother not being able to utter one sentence to her son. Its an insult to me, no matter how you slice it.

Not being able to say "hey son, Im coming over for a sleepover" (yet pack yourself for the very event) is pathetic.
Kezkin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-29-2013, 09:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,722
Default Re: Trouble with parents

I can't believe a grown man calls his mother pathetic. You would break her heart if she heard you say that.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-29-2013, 10:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 171
Default Re: Trouble with parents

You obviously have a lot of resentment towards your mother due to BOTH your mother & father putting you in the middle of their troubled relationship. When my mom & dad 1st split up I was 12; blamed my mother and acted out in a big way. But they did not play tug of war with me or put me in the middle.

From what little you've said, they were wrong to put you in the middle of their relationship problems. And maybe your mother was completely to blame (doubt it as it almost always takes 2) for their non-breakup, breakup.

To some extent I understand your feelings. However, you are 30 years old now, not living under their roof. You are your own man, building your own life. You should seriously consider trying to repair your relationships with your parents - separately. You will be happier and more emotionally grounded by doing so. Both my parents are gone now and your opportunity may be gone before you expect it.
pb76no is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-29-2013, 11:02 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,722
Default Re: Trouble with parents

Same here. It's obvious you have SERIOUS issues with your mom, and side with your dad (typical in a strong mother/weak father situation). But that doesn't make her the evil, pathetic, conniving woman you assume she is.

What's more important to me is HOW you are dealing with this and the fact that you're probably going to lose your gf if she sees enough of this attitude (and rudeness) in you - why would she sign up to be treated as you treat your mother?

I suggest some counseling for you, so you can come to grips with your anger over your childhood.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Trouble with parents Kezkin The Social Spot 2 01-26-2013 06:34 AM
can single parents date single parents? mikeandberg General Relationship Discussion 24 11-27-2012 02:36 PM
In trouble again... guiltygirl Considering Divorce or Separation 28 10-10-2008 10:38 AM
In trouble steve123 Considering Divorce or Separation 10 09-23-2008 03:03 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:33 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage