01-28-2013, 03:08 AM
Join Date: Jan 2013
| | Issue with FMIL
This is my first post as I just found this site through google. I've been with my fiance for about 8 years now and we are getting married this fall. His mother has always been very sweet with me and I thought we had no problems. I don't think he is a mommas boy but I've always thought she did and still continues to baby him. She thinks he's helpless and pretty much a complete moron that can't make his own decisions. She also is always against him spending his own money on anything he feels he needs that she thinks is being wasteful. I always thought it was annoying but I chalked it up to her being a concerned mom and while it was kind of annoying he would end up doing what he wanted anyway. That's just a lil back story here is my issue.
My fiance is in his 30s. He inherited a large sum of money when he was a teenager. He agreed with his mom that he was too immature at the time to have control of the inheritance so he agreed to have his mom and another relative become trustees. When we were dating in our early 20s he would mention his financial situation in regards to the trust and how his mom would give him grief about asking for any of it. e.g, He wanted a couple grand for a down payment for a car and she would balk at the request. Things like that. At the time i would take his mother's side and told him they just want you to mature and become financially responsible. He would then say I wasn't taking his side and sometimes still tells me that to this day when he brings it up. I tell him it's not worth it to fight about and cause a rift.
The issue is that he is in his 30's and matured on his own with a college degree and a good career. He now wants control of the trust. When I tell him to drop it he gets angry and says i'm not on his side and it feels like they just want to control him. So i suggest he talk to them in a calm matter and ask why they don't want to release it to him. Well, he has a few times and it never ends well. They don't give him a clear answer as to why they wont relinquish control of it and just say he is being disrespectful.
When he proposed I reminded him that I wanted a destination wedding with just the two of us there. I hate crowds and used to suffer from a mild social anxiety. Standing up somewhere in a huge dress in front of 100s of people while everyone is glued to your every move is not my thing. That and in our city it's hard to have a cheap wedding and while I have some savings I don't have 20 grand and my family cannot afford to contribute. He objected and said he really wanted a traditional wedding and wanted all his family there. He said he had more than enough to cover the wedding. When we spoke to his mom she agreed she didn't like the destination idea.
Well, since we started planning and having to put down deposits his mother has been moaning and groaning about the costs. She knows the costs because even though it is his money he needs her to sign off on it as a trustee. He is getting very tired of this and confronted her about it. He wanted to send an email to his other relative and mom. I told him not to and just drop it. He didn't want to. So I suggested he talk to them in person or by phone and to keep calm. I don't want a rift to form between them because of this. Well, the conversation didn't end well and my fiance came to me very upset. He said that his mother said someone must be pressuring him into this. Implying that I was. I was so upset and hurt. He's had this issue with them for years and I've been telling him over and over you don't want to alienate your mother and other family over money.
I'm sitting here shocked that she would think this is all my doing. I thought she loved me like she always says. I really want to back out of the wedding. Not marriage just the wedding. i feel like she and his whole family will look down on me and my family because we couldn't contribute much. I also feel that if we do destination that she could throw that in my face too or that they will think I'm trying to alienate him from them or that they wont respect our marriage as it wasn't a traditional wedding. This is supposed to be a fun time and I'm just stressed over it. Even when we try to include her in the planning instead of being excited over any of it she just asks how much. That's is just how much and how "everything is money money." I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doomed and will be criticized either way and won't be able to enjoy either type of wedding now.
Thanks in advance and I apologize for this being so long.