First off, I am a new member and I have never posted here before so I dont really know what to expect or what type of responses Im going to be getting to this, but I would really appreciate it if you could just hear me out and give your honest opinions.
Heres a little bit of background info on myself and my husband. This is going to be long but please take the time to read. There is a 10 year age difference between us. I'm 22, and hes 32. We've been married for about 2 and a half years. We actually met each other online. We started talking as just friends, and then eventually started dating and got married. Shortly after we started dating, I moved all the way from North Carolina to Georgia to be with him. After being married for about a year, we decided to move back up to North Carolina together. My parents hated the fact that I lived so far away from them (they have three sons and Im their only daughter, so they've naturally always been more protective over me than my brothers), they worried about me a lot and wanted me to move back, but for a long time I told them that we weren't ready to move back yet. I understood that they wanted me to be near them but at the same time, I wasn't going to let them run my life. I was an adult and I explained to them that wherever I chose to live, was noones choice but mine. I always had a feeling that we would move back to North Carolina eventually but it had to be at the right time. My husband was making good money and had a very secure job (he had worked there for 7 yrs) and didnt want to risk losing that... so it took him a while to come around to the idea of moving but eventually we got everything all worked out and he decided that he would really enjoy living in NC and that it would be worth the risk.
So anyway, here we are back in NC and things have been working out pretty good. We're happy and of course my parents are happy. I told my husband I wouldnt mind moving back to NC at all as long as we had our own space, and we do. We're currently living in my parents rental house, trying to save up money so hopefully we can be out of here in a couple years and have our own place. The thing is, even though my parents are very close to me, they still give me plenty of room to breathe. They dont smother me, in other words. They only live about 10 minutes away from us, but they have their life and we have ours. Every now and then we might go over to their house and have dinner or something, but not often. And I can count on one hand the number of times that theyve been over to OUR house since we've moved back up here. I see my dad more than my mom because he owns his own business and I work for him (my husband and I both work for him), so I see him pretty much daily, but I havent seen my mom in probably a month... maybe longer. My parents are just the type of people that like to have their privacy, and because theyre like this, they also try to give other people their privacy in return. They rarely ever have any company over at their house, and even MORE rarely do they ever let anyone sleep over at their house. This doesnt mean that my parents are hermits and that they never socialize with anyone or have any friends... it just means theyre private people and are not big fans of having people stay over at their house. Unless its one of their kids, of course. I can honestly say my parents dont mind a bit anytime I come over to their house. I could stay there anytime, day or night for as long as I wanted and they wouldnt care. But in general, they dont like people barging into their space.
My husband and I were raised quite a bit differently. Hes doesnt care as much about his privacy as I do. In fact, at the time I met him, his dad was staying with him. And I strongly believe that his dad would probably still be living with him if it werent for me. Right before I met my husband, his dad had just recently gotten kicked out of the house by his wife (my husbands stepmom) and he was being charged so much in child support that supposedly he didnt have any money for a place to stay and all he had was credit cards. So, my husband, being the type of person that he is, hated seeing his dad struggle so he offered to let his dad live with him, for free of course. So when I first met my husband, his dad was living with him. I didnt mind it at first, but once things started to get more serious, I started asking questions like "When is your dad planning on moving out? Isnt there someone else he could stay with?" And for a while, this became a HUGE topic of debate for us because anytime I brought it up, he would just get aggravated and wouldnt want to talk about it. He would basically tell me that he didnt need to bring up the subject to his dad because he thought that his dad would have the initiative to move out on his own. At this point, his dad had already been there for like 3 years and I didnt see him moving out anytime soon, without my husband pretty much forcing him to... but my husband made it clear that he wasnt going to do that until he had absolutely no other option.
I made it very clear to my husband that by the time we got married, I did not want his dad living there anymore and that I could put up with it until then but that whenever we got married, he needed to be out. Whether it meant staying with another family member or doing whatever he had to do. I really didnt care, it wasnt my problem and I felt that it was totally unfair that I should have to pay the consequences for the things that happened to him and HIS life and the choices that HE made. I had dropped everything and moved 500 miles away from my family just to be with my husband so I thought the least he could do was to tell his dad to go, so that we could have our own place and start our own life together. How are we ever going to get anywhere with his dad tagging along and dragging us down? It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to us. I understand he cares about his dad and everything, and that he sympathizes for his situation, but again, those are his dad's problems, not his. It really hurt my feelings because there I was, I had just moved and was excited to finally be with my husband and was looking forward to starting a life together but I felt like our relationship didnt mean as much to my husband as it did to me, because he cared more about his dad's problems than about us and our needs as a couple. Maybe some people wouldnt mind sharing a house with their husband and their father in law, but not me! Especially not at that time... how are you supposed to enjoy being a newlywed and having your own private space together when you have your husbands dad 10 feet away?? It kind of ruins it. So anyway, in the end, my husband DID end up telling his dad to leave, but it was after we had been married for about a week. I told my husband that his dad was not going to continue to stay with us after we were married, and I meant it. So after he saw that I wasnt going to give up on the issue, and after he saw that his dad wasnt going anywhere unless he said something to him about it, he finally told him that he was going to have to go. A couple weeks after that, his dad was gone.
So as you can see, Ive pretty much always had an issue with my husband's family from the start. I was relieved that it didnt take his dad very long to move out after my husband told him to go, but at the same time I kept thinking "Why did my husband HAVE to tell him to go? Why didnt he want to leave on his own?" If I was him, and I would have felt in the way... I mean its one thing to live with your son if hes single... but when he meets someone and they get married, at that point, I think most people would be like ok... I think its time for me to go on now and let them start their life together.
But for some reason, my husbands dad didnt feel that way. I think he honestly just didnt think it was a big deal and didnt think it was that important for my husband and I to have our own space... and thought that we could all just be one big happy family... and I think thats the same way that my husband thought too.
After his dad moved out, I didnt have any problem with him anymore. I only saw him maybe a few times after that. He ended up living like an hour away so he couldnt really come by and visit us that often. I explained to my husband that I wasnt asking him to stop communicating with his dad... I told him that his dad can still visit sometime, and he can go visit him whenever he wants, all I was asking was not to have him live with us.
His dad doesnt bother me much anymore, like I said. But hes still got plenty of other family members that get on my nerves sometimes. His mom is having problems, she drinks a lot and doesnt have a job. Shes been on the verge of losing her house several times because she doesnt have the money to pay her mortgage... most likely because she spends all her money on cigarettes and beer. Her husband died several years ago and since then, shes been living off his SS checks. Thats her only source of income. A couple years ago, right around the time that we got married, his mom asked to borrow $1000 because she was about to lose her house. I told my husband I wasn't too thrilled about it and didnt really want to do it, but at the same time, we had the money to spare, and we didnt necessarily need it, so of course my husband gave it to her. She ended up paying him $500 of it back, but we havent gotten the other half back, and maybe never will.
This is another issue for us because my husband always brings up the fact that my parents have never asked me to borrow any money because they dont know what its like to not have money.
This really pisses me off because YES I will admit that my parents do have a nice house and nice cars, and they do run a successful business, theyre not millionaires but they do well for themselves, but do you know WHY they have money? Because of the choices that they made in life... thats why! My parents didnt grow up having money... my dad grew up in one of the poorest neighborhoods in my town... so did his sisters and his other family members... do they have any money or nice houses? No... not because they COULDNT if they didnt want to... but because they CHOSE not to. My dad, on the other hand, decided that he wanted to have more than that... and so did my mom... so when they got married, they saved up every penny they made for years and years... and THAT is why my parents are where they are today.
Now, Im not saying that people dont make mistakes. If my parents did ever make a mistake, I would more than gladly help them out IF I had the money to spare.... but if I see someone who isnt even trying to make something out of their life, and all theyre doing is mooching off others and spending every dime that they have on useless crap that they dont need, then hell no Im not going to support them by giving them any of my money.
So as you can see, we have very different families and we grew up very differently. We have a lot of things in common and for the most part we get along great, but I can safely say that anytime we DO have an argument, it usually somehow relates to his family.
Our latest argument was tonight when he said that his stepsister and her boyfriend want to come up here and visit us. Immediately I was reminded of the time that his dad and his 14 year old brother decided to come visit us last summer, and they ended up staying with us for 2 weeks. Originally we thought theyd be visiting for about a week, and I was hoping they would be getting a hotel, but of course my husband offered that they could stay with us and sleep in our livingroom. Seeing as how I like my privacy, I wasnt too thrilled but I just kept telling myself "Its only a few more days, you can deal with it" but then a few days went by and they were still here... then another few days and they were still here... finally after two weeks they left. My husband didnt see what the big deal was, of course. And its not like they were being awful, unruly houseguests or anything... they were fine... but thats not the point. the point is I dont like having to share my house with people (other than my spouse) simply because I like to feel comfortable in my home, and when company is over, Im not able to feel comfortable. There are certain things that you cant do... like when I get up in the morning and go to pee, and out of habit leave the bathroom door wide open... or when I feel like sitting on the couch and watching tv in my underwear.... It may seem silly but its true.
I can deal with having family come to the house and visit every now and then.... but that doesnt mean I want them there for days and days... and weeks!
Anyway, so when my husband brought up the fact that his stepsister and her bf want to come visit us, it was pretty much an instinct of mine to say "um... theyre not staying here are they?" and of course his response was "You dont care if they just sleep on the couch do you?"
We got into an argument about it of course, and I tried explaining to him that Im just not big on having company stay at the house, and thats the way I was brought up. I said to him "my parents live just a few minutes down the road and how many times have they been over here at all? Let alone spent the night over here." Even when I lived in Georgia, the only time my parents came down to visit me was one time... and that was for my wedding! And even then they stayed in a hotel room and left the next day.
So of course, again, he brings up the money thing and says "Your parents had the money to spend on a hotel... not everyone does! Are you saying that if a family member wants to visit but they dont have the money to get a hotel room, then you just dont want them to come visit at all??"
I dont know what to think about the whole thing... As I said, me and my family are just the type of people to keep to ourselves... Not to mention, this stepsister of his, Ive only met her once... which was years ago... and Ive never met her bf at all. I already wouldnt be thrilled about the whole thing but the fact that I dont even know these people are just going to make it that much more awkward. Not to mention this girl has 2 kids... and if she brings them its just going to make everything that much more hectic to have them running around and getting into who knows what.
All my husband can say is "well I am so sorry that I know people who like me and want to see me!" but again, it has nothing to do with me having a problem with the fact that people want to visit him... I can deal with that.... just dont stay at my freakin house!! thats all i ask!
Like I said, we just come from two completely different backgrounds and have completely different families.... and because we were raised differently, we have different views on the matter. Sometimes I just think to myself, if HIS parents lived a few minutes down the road, like mine do, how many times would they have been over at the house by now? His dad especially... He'd probably be over here everyday. And the scary thought is, my husbands dad has recently been talking like he wants to move up here... Im hoping its just all talk and that it doesnt happen... because I know if it does, he will more than likely be here all the time and he will be the one that occupies 99% of my husbands time. And then eventually Im going to get sick of it and I will have to bring it up to my husband and then he will get defensive and think that I'm attacking his dad, and then we will have a big old argument.
What are your opinions on this? Am I the only one going through this? do YOU care when your spouse's family (or anyone for that matter) sleeps over at your house? Am I in the wrong here? PLEASE just be honest! I'm just sick of arguing over this stuff and I need some insight, desperately. thank you for reading all of that, I know it was long.