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Old 02-22-2013, 02:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

First off, I am a new member and I have never posted here before so I dont really know what to expect or what type of responses Im going to be getting to this, but I would really appreciate it if you could just hear me out and give your honest opinions.

Heres a little bit of background info on myself and my husband. This is going to be long but please take the time to read. There is a 10 year age difference between us. I'm 22, and hes 32. We've been married for about 2 and a half years. We actually met each other online. We started talking as just friends, and then eventually started dating and got married. Shortly after we started dating, I moved all the way from North Carolina to Georgia to be with him. After being married for about a year, we decided to move back up to North Carolina together. My parents hated the fact that I lived so far away from them (they have three sons and Im their only daughter, so they've naturally always been more protective over me than my brothers), they worried about me a lot and wanted me to move back, but for a long time I told them that we weren't ready to move back yet. I understood that they wanted me to be near them but at the same time, I wasn't going to let them run my life. I was an adult and I explained to them that wherever I chose to live, was noones choice but mine. I always had a feeling that we would move back to North Carolina eventually but it had to be at the right time. My husband was making good money and had a very secure job (he had worked there for 7 yrs) and didnt want to risk losing that... so it took him a while to come around to the idea of moving but eventually we got everything all worked out and he decided that he would really enjoy living in NC and that it would be worth the risk.

So anyway, here we are back in NC and things have been working out pretty good. We're happy and of course my parents are happy. I told my husband I wouldnt mind moving back to NC at all as long as we had our own space, and we do. We're currently living in my parents rental house, trying to save up money so hopefully we can be out of here in a couple years and have our own place. The thing is, even though my parents are very close to me, they still give me plenty of room to breathe. They dont smother me, in other words. They only live about 10 minutes away from us, but they have their life and we have ours. Every now and then we might go over to their house and have dinner or something, but not often. And I can count on one hand the number of times that theyve been over to OUR house since we've moved back up here. I see my dad more than my mom because he owns his own business and I work for him (my husband and I both work for him), so I see him pretty much daily, but I havent seen my mom in probably a month... maybe longer. My parents are just the type of people that like to have their privacy, and because theyre like this, they also try to give other people their privacy in return. They rarely ever have any company over at their house, and even MORE rarely do they ever let anyone sleep over at their house. This doesnt mean that my parents are hermits and that they never socialize with anyone or have any friends... it just means theyre private people and are not big fans of having people stay over at their house. Unless its one of their kids, of course. I can honestly say my parents dont mind a bit anytime I come over to their house. I could stay there anytime, day or night for as long as I wanted and they wouldnt care. But in general, they dont like people barging into their space.

My husband and I were raised quite a bit differently. Hes doesnt care as much about his privacy as I do. In fact, at the time I met him, his dad was staying with him. And I strongly believe that his dad would probably still be living with him if it werent for me. Right before I met my husband, his dad had just recently gotten kicked out of the house by his wife (my husbands stepmom) and he was being charged so much in child support that supposedly he didnt have any money for a place to stay and all he had was credit cards. So, my husband, being the type of person that he is, hated seeing his dad struggle so he offered to let his dad live with him, for free of course. So when I first met my husband, his dad was living with him. I didnt mind it at first, but once things started to get more serious, I started asking questions like "When is your dad planning on moving out? Isnt there someone else he could stay with?" And for a while, this became a HUGE topic of debate for us because anytime I brought it up, he would just get aggravated and wouldnt want to talk about it. He would basically tell me that he didnt need to bring up the subject to his dad because he thought that his dad would have the initiative to move out on his own. At this point, his dad had already been there for like 3 years and I didnt see him moving out anytime soon, without my husband pretty much forcing him to... but my husband made it clear that he wasnt going to do that until he had absolutely no other option.

I made it very clear to my husband that by the time we got married, I did not want his dad living there anymore and that I could put up with it until then but that whenever we got married, he needed to be out. Whether it meant staying with another family member or doing whatever he had to do. I really didnt care, it wasnt my problem and I felt that it was totally unfair that I should have to pay the consequences for the things that happened to him and HIS life and the choices that HE made. I had dropped everything and moved 500 miles away from my family just to be with my husband so I thought the least he could do was to tell his dad to go, so that we could have our own place and start our own life together. How are we ever going to get anywhere with his dad tagging along and dragging us down? It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to us. I understand he cares about his dad and everything, and that he sympathizes for his situation, but again, those are his dad's problems, not his. It really hurt my feelings because there I was, I had just moved and was excited to finally be with my husband and was looking forward to starting a life together but I felt like our relationship didnt mean as much to my husband as it did to me, because he cared more about his dad's problems than about us and our needs as a couple. Maybe some people wouldnt mind sharing a house with their husband and their father in law, but not me! Especially not at that time... how are you supposed to enjoy being a newlywed and having your own private space together when you have your husbands dad 10 feet away?? It kind of ruins it. So anyway, in the end, my husband DID end up telling his dad to leave, but it was after we had been married for about a week. I told my husband that his dad was not going to continue to stay with us after we were married, and I meant it. So after he saw that I wasnt going to give up on the issue, and after he saw that his dad wasnt going anywhere unless he said something to him about it, he finally told him that he was going to have to go. A couple weeks after that, his dad was gone.

So as you can see, Ive pretty much always had an issue with my husband's family from the start. I was relieved that it didnt take his dad very long to move out after my husband told him to go, but at the same time I kept thinking "Why did my husband HAVE to tell him to go? Why didnt he want to leave on his own?" If I was him, and I would have felt in the way... I mean its one thing to live with your son if hes single... but when he meets someone and they get married, at that point, I think most people would be like ok... I think its time for me to go on now and let them start their life together.

But for some reason, my husbands dad didnt feel that way. I think he honestly just didnt think it was a big deal and didnt think it was that important for my husband and I to have our own space... and thought that we could all just be one big happy family... and I think thats the same way that my husband thought too.

After his dad moved out, I didnt have any problem with him anymore. I only saw him maybe a few times after that. He ended up living like an hour away so he couldnt really come by and visit us that often. I explained to my husband that I wasnt asking him to stop communicating with his dad... I told him that his dad can still visit sometime, and he can go visit him whenever he wants, all I was asking was not to have him live with us.

His dad doesnt bother me much anymore, like I said. But hes still got plenty of other family members that get on my nerves sometimes. His mom is having problems, she drinks a lot and doesnt have a job. Shes been on the verge of losing her house several times because she doesnt have the money to pay her mortgage... most likely because she spends all her money on cigarettes and beer. Her husband died several years ago and since then, shes been living off his SS checks. Thats her only source of income. A couple years ago, right around the time that we got married, his mom asked to borrow $1000 because she was about to lose her house. I told my husband I wasn't too thrilled about it and didnt really want to do it, but at the same time, we had the money to spare, and we didnt necessarily need it, so of course my husband gave it to her. She ended up paying him $500 of it back, but we havent gotten the other half back, and maybe never will.

This is another issue for us because my husband always brings up the fact that my parents have never asked me to borrow any money because they dont know what its like to not have money. This really pisses me off because YES I will admit that my parents do have a nice house and nice cars, and they do run a successful business, theyre not millionaires but they do well for themselves, but do you know WHY they have money? Because of the choices that they made in life... thats why! My parents didnt grow up having money... my dad grew up in one of the poorest neighborhoods in my town... so did his sisters and his other family members... do they have any money or nice houses? No... not because they COULDNT if they didnt want to... but because they CHOSE not to. My dad, on the other hand, decided that he wanted to have more than that... and so did my mom... so when they got married, they saved up every penny they made for years and years... and THAT is why my parents are where they are today.

Now, Im not saying that people dont make mistakes. If my parents did ever make a mistake, I would more than gladly help them out IF I had the money to spare.... but if I see someone who isnt even trying to make something out of their life, and all theyre doing is mooching off others and spending every dime that they have on useless crap that they dont need, then hell no Im not going to support them by giving them any of my money.

So as you can see, we have very different families and we grew up very differently. We have a lot of things in common and for the most part we get along great, but I can safely say that anytime we DO have an argument, it usually somehow relates to his family.

Our latest argument was tonight when he said that his stepsister and her boyfriend want to come up here and visit us. Immediately I was reminded of the time that his dad and his 14 year old brother decided to come visit us last summer, and they ended up staying with us for 2 weeks. Originally we thought theyd be visiting for about a week, and I was hoping they would be getting a hotel, but of course my husband offered that they could stay with us and sleep in our livingroom. Seeing as how I like my privacy, I wasnt too thrilled but I just kept telling myself "Its only a few more days, you can deal with it" but then a few days went by and they were still here... then another few days and they were still here... finally after two weeks they left. My husband didnt see what the big deal was, of course. And its not like they were being awful, unruly houseguests or anything... they were fine... but thats not the point. the point is I dont like having to share my house with people (other than my spouse) simply because I like to feel comfortable in my home, and when company is over, Im not able to feel comfortable. There are certain things that you cant do... like when I get up in the morning and go to pee, and out of habit leave the bathroom door wide open... or when I feel like sitting on the couch and watching tv in my underwear.... It may seem silly but its true.

I can deal with having family come to the house and visit every now and then.... but that doesnt mean I want them there for days and days... and weeks!

Anyway, so when my husband brought up the fact that his stepsister and her bf want to come visit us, it was pretty much an instinct of mine to say "um... theyre not staying here are they?" and of course his response was "You dont care if they just sleep on the couch do you?" We got into an argument about it of course, and I tried explaining to him that Im just not big on having company stay at the house, and thats the way I was brought up. I said to him "my parents live just a few minutes down the road and how many times have they been over here at all? Let alone spent the night over here." Even when I lived in Georgia, the only time my parents came down to visit me was one time... and that was for my wedding! And even then they stayed in a hotel room and left the next day.

So of course, again, he brings up the money thing and says "Your parents had the money to spend on a hotel... not everyone does! Are you saying that if a family member wants to visit but they dont have the money to get a hotel room, then you just dont want them to come visit at all??"

I dont know what to think about the whole thing... As I said, me and my family are just the type of people to keep to ourselves... Not to mention, this stepsister of his, Ive only met her once... which was years ago... and Ive never met her bf at all. I already wouldnt be thrilled about the whole thing but the fact that I dont even know these people are just going to make it that much more awkward. Not to mention this girl has 2 kids... and if she brings them its just going to make everything that much more hectic to have them running around and getting into who knows what.

All my husband can say is "well I am so sorry that I know people who like me and want to see me!" but again, it has nothing to do with me having a problem with the fact that people want to visit him... I can deal with that.... just dont stay at my freakin house!! thats all i ask!

Like I said, we just come from two completely different backgrounds and have completely different families.... and because we were raised differently, we have different views on the matter. Sometimes I just think to myself, if HIS parents lived a few minutes down the road, like mine do, how many times would they have been over at the house by now? His dad especially... He'd probably be over here everyday. And the scary thought is, my husbands dad has recently been talking like he wants to move up here... Im hoping its just all talk and that it doesnt happen... because I know if it does, he will more than likely be here all the time and he will be the one that occupies 99% of my husbands time. And then eventually Im going to get sick of it and I will have to bring it up to my husband and then he will get defensive and think that I'm attacking his dad, and then we will have a big old argument.

What are your opinions on this? Am I the only one going through this? do YOU care when your spouse's family (or anyone for that matter) sleeps over at your house? Am I in the wrong here? PLEASE just be honest! I'm just sick of arguing over this stuff and I need some insight, desperately. thank you for reading all of that, I know it was long.
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

I wouldn't want my in laws living with me either.

I do think it's very bad for a married couple to have no privacy.

That said, I think you are being ungenerous. Be kind and gracious to his family. I think you should limit any money you give them, and if you give them any at all make it a gift not a loan. But having his family stay with you once in a while, should not be to much to ask.

I know you like your own space and i can relate, but your husband moved a long way to live near your family, the least you can do is make sure his family feel welcome at your place.

Also I feel you are being very harsh towards his family, if they are unkind to you it's one thing, and taking advantage of him is not Ok, but otherwise are they good to you?
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

You said that your parents would be fine with you going to their house and even staying there. I assume that this is because you are family. I find it interesting that you do not understand that your husband feels the same way about his family.

I can understand that you do not want anyone else living with the two of you. But to have family visit for a week or two is a very reasonable thing to do. Families do that all the time. They stay at your place. Then you can stay at their place.

I agree that you are being ungenerous. Very much so. Your home is your husband’s home as well. He has 50% say about what goes on there. The two of you need to compromise. Perhaps you two can agree that he can have some family members come stay at your house 2 or 3 times a year for 1 to 2 weeks each. So he gets some of the family closeness that he wants. And you get the house to yourself the rest of the year.

The way you were raised is not better than the way he was raised. He was just raised different then you were.
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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I wouldn't want my in laws living with me either.

I do think it's very bad for a married couple to have no privacy.

That said, I think you are being ungenerous. Be kind and gracious to his family. I think you should limit any money you give them, and if you give them any at all make it a gift not a loan. But having his family stay with you once in a while, should not be to much to ask.

I know you like your own space and i can relate, but your husband moved a long way to live near your family, the least you can do is make sure his family feel welcome at your place.

Also I feel you are being very harsh towards his family, if they are unkind to you it's one thing, and taking advantage of him is not Ok, but otherwise are they good to you?
I understand what you're saying. And no his family doesn't mistreat me or anything... Theyve never said anything bad about me as far as I know. The only problem I have with his parents is I feel like they take advantage of him but he will never in a million years see it that way.

He always used to tell me "my dad didnt ASK to move in with me, I offered". And I think, yea that may be true... but he didnt hesitate to take you up on the offer and then you pretty much had to kick him out because he didnt have the incentive to leave on his own.

And when we gave his mom $1000, according to my husband, it wasnt a loan... He didnt really say either way whether he expected to get the money back or not. He told me that if she pays him back, thats fine and if not, thats fine too. The whole situation wouldnt bother me so bad if it werent for the fact that shes in the situation that shes in because of her stupid choices. You can't spend all your money on cigarettes and beer and then go bumming money off people because you dont have the money for your mortgage payment. And I'm not exaggerating.. anytime I've been over to her house, especially anytime lately, I see her drink pretty much constantly. Like I said, I dont mind helping someone out every now and then if they truly need it but I have to at least know that the person is trying... you cant expect help from people when you arent even helping yourself. Am I right?
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

Do you work outside the home? What % of your joint income do you earn if you do have a job?

You are right that people's choices in life can lead to things like not being able to pay their mortgage. It's not fair for them to then expect others to pay their bills.

You two need to come to an agreement on how much financial help he can give family members. If it's zero then you will have to negotiate very hard on that. Giving in some on having people visit and stay with you once in a while might be a bargaining chip.

Remember that a marriage is a partnership. One spouse does not set the rules. They have to be negotiated and often that means compromised. It's not your way all the time.

My view of marriage is that the way to make it work is for each spouse to put their focus on making sure that the other gets what they want.

Your husband wants to have his family visit and stay at your house sometimes. He should be able to have that.

You want your home to yourself most of the time. You should also be able to have that.

The money issue is one that you have to work out. It's very hard to have family members who put themselves in bad spots. It's very hard to think of them living in the street. Ending up in the street is a real possibility for some. This is a struggle your husband has. He sounds like he cares quite a bit and likes having people around him.
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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You said that your parents would be fine with you going to their house and even staying there. I assume that this is because you are family. I find it interesting that you do not understand that your husband feels the same way about his family.

I can understand that you do not want anyone else living with the two of you. But to have family visit for a week or two is a very reasonable thing to do. Families do that all the time. They stay at your place. Then you can stay at their place.

I agree that you are being ungenerous. Very much so. Your home is your husband’s home as well. He has 50% say about what goes on there. The two of you need to compromise. Perhaps you two can agree that he can have some family members come stay at your house 2 or 3 times a year for 1 to 2 weeks each. So he gets some of the family closeness that he wants. And you get the house to yourself the rest of the year.

The way you were raised is not better than the way he was raised. He was just raised different then you were.
I agree that we need to compromise. I told him that I'd compromise with him by letting his family come over and visit but that I didnt want them spending the night. He didnt like this idea and said this wasnt a compromise. Maybe you're right... Maybe I should just give in and say its fine to have family come and stay with us a few times a year for a short period of time... Youre right, it shouldnt be that big of a deal. I understand people do this all the time. When I actually think about it, I dont know why I have such a problem with his family coming over.... when I think about it logically, its not something that seems unreasonable to ask.

Like I said, when I lived in Georgia, my parents only came down to visit once and it was for my wedding, and they stayed in a hotel... but if they didnt have the money for a hotel, I would have let them stay with me for a few days or so... I guess I just need to start thinking about things from both perspectives.

To be 100% honest.... I think part of it is jealousy. I think the root of my problems with my husband's dad all started when I moved down to Georgia and had to deal with his dad living with him. My husband used to always reassure me "Im sure he will be gone by the time we're married, dont worry about it!" but then later on he actually admitted to me, that the reason he kept putting off talking to his dad about the matter, was because he was hoping I'd eventually just back off about the whole thing and not care anymore. But then after we actually got married and his dad was STILL there and I was still nagging him about it, thats when he realized that I wasnt going to let up and he had no choice but to tell his dad to leave. He actually told me that he didnt see the problem with letting his dad live with us. And according to my husband, when he pulled his dad aside and told him that it was time for him to go, his dad's response was "Am I really that annoying?" Now I dont know how he said it or if it was just his way of joking around or what.... but its not about being annoying or not. Its about the right that me and my husband have as a newly married couple to have our own space and time to ourselves. Thats something that my husband neither his dad understood. My husband and I were just starting our lives together, my husband's dad was already in his 50s and already had lived his life and made his mistakes... there was no reason why we should have to be dragged down because of it.

I think thats why I have resentment toward his dad because I dont feel like he cared about the fact that my husband and I had just gotten married and needed our privacy... Or the fact that my husband had already let him stay there for 3 years... I think he, just like my husband, was hoping I wouldnt have a problem with it and that eventually Id just learn to live with it.

In the end, my husband did ask his dad to leave, as I wanted him to... but what really hurt my feelings is that it took him so long to even talk to him about it... and that he only did it because he saw that I wasnt going to let up. I always asked myself "what doesnt HE want this as much as I do? Why doesnt HE want our own space? Why doesnt HE want to be able to have a place where he can spend time together, just the two of us? why am I the only one who wants this so bad??"

This whole thing is the reason why I have issues with him and his dad. He could have avoided it by simply talking to his dad about this issue and coming to an agreement on it when I asked him to, instead of putting it off until as long as possible, in hopes that I would change my mind. All it did was make me that more more resentful the longer that it went on. And it made me feel like my needs and OUR needs as a couple weren't as important to him as his dads.

I know it may sound like Im just being awful and harsh toward his family but at the same time, its not like its coming from nowhere. Theres a reason for it.

And I never said that his parents raised him better than mine. As I said, we were both raised very differently and have different kinds of parents. But to be honest, It offends me whenever he makes comments saying that my parents dont know what its like to not have money. He acts like they were born into freakin royalty or something. Like I said, they grew up POOR... just as poor as his parents, if not poorer... but they chose to make something of their lives, just like his parents could have done and just like anyone can do.

and btw, yes I do work. My husband and I both work for my dad. He owns a small restaurant. My husband is actually the manager so he makes a little more than me, but not much. Only a couple more dollars an hour. I get about 33 hours a week, he usually gets around 38 or 39 on average... sometimes a little more. At the time when we let his mom borrow $1000, I didnt have a job though... he was he only one bringing in any income which is why I wasnt able to say much about it because technically it was his money... but at the same time, we were married so I still felt that I should have some say in the matter.... and I did.. he asked me about it, I told him I didnt want him to do it and he did it anyway like I knew he would. But now that Im working and its my money too, Im not going to be so passive the next time he wants to give his mom $1000. I understand he doesnt want her to lose her house or to be homeless but when it comes to people like her, maybe thats what it would take to snap her into reality and make her do something. Theres no way in hell shes going to make a change if she knows she can keep blowing all her money on beer and just call a family member when she needs her mortgage payed. He does care, which is something I always loved about him. He is a very caring individual and doesnt like seeing anyone suffer, especially his parents... but lately Im starting to question if there is such a thing as maybe caring a little too much.

Last edited by kittykatz; 02-22-2013 at 04:01 AM.
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Old 02-22-2013, 10:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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Old 02-22-2013, 11:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
I agree that we need to compromise. I told him that I'd compromise with him by letting his family come over and visit but that I didnt want them spending the night.
“Letting his family come over.” It sounds like you think that you are the gate keeper here. You and only you decide what happens. Letting his family come over. It’s his home too. He has ever legal and moral right to have his family visit him whether you like it or not. He actually has the right to have them spend the night he if wants.

Letting them come over is not a compromise. Not at all. Your husband is trying to compromise. Him limiting the time his family visits and stays over is, to him, a HUGE compromise. And you will not budge an inch.

You seem to think that the way your family is, is superior. They don’t like people to visit their home and they don’t want people to stay over at night. It’s not superior. That’s not how most people are. Most people do not isolate themselves and turn a cold shoulder to the world. I think that your husband’s way of wanting his family around is much more common.

You had your husband move to NC to be near your parents. The only reason that you see your father often is because the two of you work for him. You hardly ever see your mother. If you did not work for your father you’d hardly ever see him either. So what was the purpose of moving there? To be near people who do not even care to spend time with you?

How does your husband like working for your father?

Your husband is a generous, gregarious person. You are not. The two of you are not. The two of you are a serious mismatch in this way. If anything breaks up your marriage it sounds like this is what will do it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
He didnt like this idea and said this wasnt a compromise.
He is right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
Maybe you're right... Maybe I should just give in and say its fine to have family come and stay with us a few times a year for a short period of time... Youre right, it shouldnt be that big of a deal. I understand people do this all the time. When I actually think about it, I dont know why I have such a problem with his family coming over.... when I think about it logically, its not something that seems unreasonable to ask.
Yep



Quote:
Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
Like I said, when I lived in Georgia, my parents only came down to visit once and it was for my wedding, and they stayed in a hotel... but if they didnt have the money for a hotel, I would have let them stay with me for a few days or so... I guess I just need to start thinking about things from both perspectives.
Yep

Quote:
Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
To be 100% honest.... I think part of it is jealousy. I think the root of my problems with my husband's dad all started when I moved down to Georgia and had to deal with his dad living with him. My husband used to always reassure me "Im sure he will be gone by the time we're married, dont worry about it!" but then later on he actually admitted to me, that the reason he kept putting off talking to his dad about the matter, was because he was hoping I'd eventually just back off about the whole thing and not care anymore. But then after we actually got married and his dad was STILL there and I was still nagging him about it, thats when he realized that I wasnt going to let up and he had no choice but to tell his dad to leave. He actually told me that he didnt see the problem with letting his dad live with us. And according to my husband, when he pulled his dad aside and told him that it was time for him to go, his dad's response was "Am I really that annoying?" Now I dont know how he said it or if it was just his way of joking around or what.... but its not about being annoying or not. Its about the right that me and my husband have as a newly married couple to have our own space and time to ourselves. Thats something that my husband neither his dad understood. My husband and I were just starting our lives together, my husband's dad was already in his 50s and already had lived his life and made his mistakes... there was no reason why we should have to be dragged down because of it.
I understand that you did not want his father to live with the two of you. But when you first met your husband and moved into HIS house, you moved into an existing situation. You husband obviously liked having his father living with him. There is nothing wrong with him hoping that you would eventually accept his father living there. You did not and your husband gave into your wishes and asked his father to leave. What more do you want? Are you going to hold this against your husband forever? Remember that you moved into his world and started to demand that he change. You need to learn to see things from your husband’s perspective as well as your own. And you need to learn to move on and forgive.
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
I think thats why I have resentment toward his dad because I dont feel like he cared about the fact that my husband and I had just gotten married and needed our privacy... Or the fact that my husband had already let him stay there for 3 years... I think he, just like my husband, was hoping I wouldnt have a problem with it and that eventually Id just learn to live with it.
Give up the resentment. Geez, how many years are you going to punish your husband for this? So his dad was strapped financially and was hoping he could stay on with the two of you. But he did what was asked of him and moved out. Let it go.
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
In the end, my husband did ask his dad to leave, as I wanted him to... but what really hurt my feelings is that it took him so long to even talk to him about it... and that he only did it because he saw that I wasnt going to let up. I always asked myself "what doesnt HE want this as much as I do? Why doesnt HE want our own space? Why doesnt HE want to be able to have a place where he can spend time together, just the two of us? why am I the only one who wants this so bad??"
It’s not that your husband did not want you two to have your own space. It’s that he cares for his father and did not mind him living there. He probably liked it. Again you need to realize that your husband is not you and that he has his own feelings and thoughts. And there is nothing wrong with his own feelings and thoughts.
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
This whole thing is the reason why I have issues with him and his dad. He could have avoided it by simply talking to his dad about this issue and coming to an agreement on it when I asked him to, instead of putting it off until as long as possible, in hopes that I would change my mind. All it did was make me that more more resentful the longer that it went on. And it made me feel like my needs and OUR needs as a couple weren't as important to him as his dads.
Let go of the resentment. Holding on to resentment is like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s the kind of thing that will rot your soul.
Let’s see. Your husband kicked his dad out for you. He moved for you. He gave up long term employment to work for your dad, for you. He left his family behind for you. I’m sure that the list of things he’s done for you is a lot longer than that. And all of this is not enough for you.
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
I know it may sound like Im just being awful and harsh toward his family but at the same time, its not like its coming from nowhere. Theres a reason for it.
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
And I never said that his parents raised him better than mine. As I said, we were both raised very differently and have different kinds of parents. But to be honest, It offends me whenever he makes comments saying that my parents dont know what its like to not have money. He acts like they were born into freakin royalty or something. Like I said, they grew up POOR... just as poor as his parents, if not poorer... but they chose to make something of their lives, just like his parents could have done and just like anyone can do.
Your husband brings this up because he’s trying to defend himself from your putting down his family. His family are not bad people because they did not make the same choices your parents did. And he loves his family. When you marry a person you are also accepting their extended family. Apparently your husband values his extended family whether they have money or not. This is a quality that you should be proud of him for.

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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
and btw, yes I do work. My husband and I both work for my dad. He owns a small restaurant. My husband is actually the manager so he makes a little more than me, but not much. Only a couple more dollars an hour. I get about 33 hours a week, he usually gets around 38 or 39 on average... sometimes a little more. At the time when we let his mom borrow $1000, I didnt have a job though... he was he only one bringing in any income which is why I wasnt able to say much about it because technically it was his money... but at the same time, we were married so I still felt that I should have some say in the matter.... and I did.. he asked me about it, I told him I didnt want him to do it and he did it anyway like I knew he would.
Did your husband take a cut in pay when you two moved to NC? Or did his pay go up? What % did his income go up or down with the more?
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Originally Posted by kittykatz View Post
But now that Im working and its my money too, Im not going to be so passive the next time he wants to give his mom $1000. I understand he doesnt want her to lose her house or to be homeless but when it comes to people like her, maybe thats what it would take to snap her into reality and make her do something. Theres no way in hell shes going to make a change if she knows she can keep blowing all her money on beer and just call a family member when she needs her mortgage payed. He does care, which is something I always loved about him. He is a very caring individual and doesnt like seeing anyone suffer, especially his parents... but lately Im starting to question if there is such a thing as maybe caring a little too much.
Yes there is a thing such as caring too much. But your husband giving his mother money one time is not caring too much.

Look at what your parents are doing. They are letting you live in one of their rentals so that you two can save money. How much $$ are they losing in doing this? How is that different from your husband giving some $$ to his mom? In both cases its family helping each other out financially when there’s a need.

So it’s ok for someone to help you out financially. But it’s not ok for you to help someone one time in a life-time? Really?

It could easily be argued that you are in a position that you have to live in your parent’s place because e you did not make a good choice in getting career skills. So you need someone to help you out. Why do you accept financial help when you are so against giving it?

I think that while you and your husband are a mismatch socially, the way you see family and in levels of generosity; I also see this difference as a benefit. If you let him, he can teach you to be more social, more loving and more generous. You can teach him how to set boundaries with his family…. Not have him cut them out because they don’t have the money.. but teach him to for example limit the amount of time that his family members stay at your place. And you can teach him how to be wiser about helping family financially.
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Old 02-22-2013, 12:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

OP, you need to take some time and consider that not every family does things the way yours does.
You also need to consider that your way isn't the "right" way.

You have some valid complaints and some not so valid complaints
You're going to need to compromise unless your husband is a complete doormat he isn't going to deal with what he obviously sees as unnecessary stress caused by you.
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Old 02-22-2013, 05:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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ďLetting his family come over.Ē It sounds like you think that you are the gate keeper here. You and only you decide what happens. Letting his family come over. Itís his home too. He has ever legal and moral right to have his family visit him whether you like it or not. He actually has the right to have them spend the night he if wants.

Letting them come over is not a compromise. Not at all. Your husband is trying to compromise. Him limiting the time his family visits and stays over is, to him, a HUGE compromise. And you will not budge an inch.

You seem to think that the way your family is, is superior. They donít like people to visit their home and they donít want people to stay over at night. Itís not superior. Thatís not how most people are. Most people do not isolate themselves and turn a cold shoulder to the world. I think that your husbandís way of wanting his family around is much more common.

You had your husband move to NC to be near your parents. The only reason that you see your father often is because the two of you work for him. You hardly ever see your mother. If you did not work for your father youíd hardly ever see him either. So what was the purpose of moving there? To be near people who do not even care to spend time with you?

How does your husband like working for your father?

Your husband is a generous, gregarious person. You are not. The two of you are not. The two of you are a serious mismatch in this way. If anything breaks up your marriage it sounds like this is what will do it.



He is right.

Yep




Yep


I understand that you did not want his father to live with the two of you. But when you first met your husband and moved into HIS house, you moved into an existing situation. You husband obviously liked having his father living with him. There is nothing wrong with him hoping that you would eventually accept his father living there. You did not and your husband gave into your wishes and asked his father to leave. What more do you want? Are you going to hold this against your husband forever? Remember that you moved into his world and started to demand that he change. You need to learn to see things from your husbandís perspective as well as your own. And you need to learn to move on and forgive.

Give up the resentment. Geez, how many years are you going to punish your husband for this? So his dad was strapped financially and was hoping he could stay on with the two of you. But he did what was asked of him and moved out. Let it go.

Itís not that your husband did not want you two to have your own space. Itís that he cares for his father and did not mind him living there. He probably liked it. Again you need to realize that your husband is not you and that he has his own feelings and thoughts. And there is nothing wrong with his own feelings and thoughts.

Let go of the resentment. Holding on to resentment is like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Itís the kind of thing that will rot your soul.
Letís see. Your husband kicked his dad out for you. He moved for you. He gave up long term employment to work for your dad, for you. He left his family behind for you. Iím sure that the list of things heís done for you is a lot longer than that. And all of this is not enough for you.



Your husband brings this up because heís trying to defend himself from your putting down his family. His family are not bad people because they did not make the same choices your parents did. And he loves his family. When you marry a person you are also accepting their extended family. Apparently your husband values his extended family whether they have money or not. This is a quality that you should be proud of him for.


Did your husband take a cut in pay when you two moved to NC? Or did his pay go up? What % did his income go up or down with the more?

Yes there is a thing such as caring too much. But your husband giving his mother money one time is not caring too much.

Look at what your parents are doing. They are letting you live in one of their rentals so that you two can save money. How much $$ are they losing in doing this? How is that different from your husband giving some $$ to his mom? In both cases its family helping each other out financially when thereís a need.

So itís ok for someone to help you out financially. But itís not ok for you to help someone one time in a life-time? Really?

It could easily be argued that you are in a position that you have to live in your parentís place because e you did not make a good choice in getting career skills. So you need someone to help you out. Why do you accept financial help when you are so against giving it?

I think that while you and your husband are a mismatch socially, the way you see family and in levels of generosity; I also see this difference as a benefit. If you let him, he can teach you to be more social, more loving and more generous. You can teach him how to set boundaries with his familyÖ. Not have him cut them out because they donít have the money.. but teach him to for example limit the amount of time that his family members stay at your place. And you can teach him how to be wiser about helping family financially.
Yes he did take a pay cut. The company he had previously worked for was a truck driving company and he was making about $50000 a year. The reason I moved to Georgia in the first place was because he said he didn't want to lose his job. So despite the fact that it killed my parents to see me move 500 miles away, I did it anyway and I told them that we would probably move back up there when the time was right and whenever my husband felt comfortable enough to quit his job. So for a while there, I didn't bring it up, I didn't nag him about it. I decided to just be patient and wait until he's ready. Besides, I love my parents but I was kind of enjoying having some space between me and them. They were really getting under my skin around the time that I decided to move to Georgia. They kept doing their best to try to talk me out of it but I refused to listen because I was willing to do whatever it took to be with my husband and I had full confidence that everything would work out between us. Pretty much the whole time that I lived in georgia, anytime that I ever talked to my parents on the phone, they were either begging us to move back up there, or they were saying negative stuff about his family. And im not blaming them for why I feel this way about his parents but I do think that my parents negative attitude toward them had an influence on me, even though I tried not to let that happen. My mom especially had a hard time with me leaving and used to always bring up the whole issue with his dad, saying "I would refuse to marry him until his dad moved out if I were you! You are going to get sick and tired of having his dad there and you know it!" And she even made a comment one time something like "it doesn't matter how close you get to his family, blood is thicker than water! We're blood and they're not!" And I was thinking are you kidding me... part of getting married is having in laws... it doesn't mean the in laws replace your family.. they're just in laws. I think its because she had a crappy relationship with her mom and was scared to death that the same thing would happen to us if I moved away. It was obvious to me that she was just jealous of the fact that I was near his family and not near her anymore. I will tell you what kind of parents I have. They have 4 kids. 3 boys and im the only girl. My two older brothers are about to turn 31 and 33... and they still live with my parents in their basement, and my 19 yr old brother lives with them too. So they've never ever known what it feels like to even have one of their kids move out... let alone to move 500 miles away and get married. Once my older brother talked about getting married to this girl a few years ago and my parents talked him out of it because she was from germany or somewhere like that and they convinced him that she probably just wanted to marry her so she could become a US citizen. In my family, I have a few relatives here and there but for the most part the only close family I have is my parents and brothers. I realize this is kind of unusual but that's how it is. My husband on the other hand is like most people... he has tons of aunts, cousins, step siblings, etc.. that he's close with. So I already knew when getting involved with him that he was going to want to spend time with them. Back to the job situation, between my husband and I both we make about half of what he made at his other job. Yes he took a pay cut and quit his job for me and I appreciate it but I didn't force him to do that. He did it because he wanted to and because he decided it was worth it to him. He's always wanted to live in NC because he loves the mountains and at the same time he knew he would be making my parents happy so that's why he did it.
My parents don't come over to our house not because they don't care to spend time with me. I think they just don't want us to feel like they're invading our space which is why they respect our privacy. Every now and then they'll ask us to come over to their house to eat dinner or something but that's about it. We didn't move back up here only for the fact that we wanted to please my parents. My husband wanted to move mainly because he enjoys NC and thought it'd be a nice place to live. Making my parents happy was just a bonus. It did kind of annoy me that my mom was trying to cause problems between us just for her own selfish reasons but at the same time I could see where she was coming from because of the relationship she had with her mom. Yes you're right about my parents letting us stay in their rental house. This is a point that my husband has even brought up before. But with the way I was raised, my parents always acted like for a parent to help their kids are, was perfectly acceptable... but for a parent to ask help from their kid, oh that's just wrong! My parents are the type to give give give to their kids and have never asked anything from any of us in return. My dad even said to me "we'd go on welfare before we asked our kids to help support us!". That's just how they are. My husband and I were just raised completely different and I think its a big part of why we think so differently when it comes to this issue.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

So your parents are ok with all of their children never getting married and never leaving home. They even went to far as to break up your brotherís plans to marry. Then they tried to break up your plans. Your brothers are not even supporting themselves even though they are over 30? Hm

In todayís economy a lot of people are finding themselves out of a job and/or having to close down their businesses. The way things are its possible that one day your father could lose his business. The he and your mother would need help. And I have no doubt that you would then insist on helping them. Surely you would not let them live on the street now would you? How about your brothers, would you let them live on the street or in a homeless shelter?

When you get marriage you become part of his family and he becomes part of your family. At least thatís the way it works in a good marriage.

Yes you were raised differently from your husband. But now itís time that you grow and stretch those boundaries that you were raised with to compromise with your husband. He has done a lot to compromise and give you things that you want. Meeting him halfway is the right thing to do.
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Old 02-22-2013, 09:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

I cant bother reading anything beyond your opening post...

my take:
edit: sorry, my original response was quite rude.

You lack empathy... Try being poor WITHOUT a family... its NOT possible... Everything in your life comes and goes EXCEPT your family... they are your ONLY rock...

You are too young to be married and certainly too immature.

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Old 02-23-2013, 02:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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So your parents are ok with all of their children never getting married and never leaving home. They even went to far as to break up your brotherís plans to marry. Then they tried to break up your plans. Your brothers are not even supporting themselves even though they are over 30? Hm

In todayís economy a lot of people are finding themselves out of a job and/or having to close down their businesses. The way things are its possible that one day your father could lose his business. The he and your mother would need help. And I have no doubt that you would then insist on helping them. Surely you would not let them live on the street now would you? How about your brothers, would you let them live on the street or in a homeless shelter?

When you get marriage you become part of his family and he becomes part of your family. At least thatís the way it works in a good marriage.

Yes you were raised differently from your husband. But now itís time that you grow and stretch those boundaries that you were raised with to compromise with your husband. He has done a lot to compromise and give you things that you want. Meeting him halfway is the right thing to do.
I agree with you. And I know that my parents could possibly lose their business someday... my dad has had it for the past 30 years so its not very likely but it is possible. And if something ever did happen, yes I would be willing to do whatever I could to help them. But as I said, my parents seem to have a really hard time with asking their kids for help. I don't know if you saw where I said this before, but my dad told me theyd go on welfare or do whatever they had to do before they burdened their kids with their problems. They act like its a parent's job to help their kids... no matter what age they are. But then if the roles are reversed and they hear of a parent asking their kid for help, then it makes them a horrible parent and they should be ashamed. Again, its the way that I was raised. Its kind of hard to change your way of thinking when you've been raised to think a certain way about things for 22 years. But Im starting to come to the realization that my parents are unusual and that more families are like my husband's parents than mine.

I agree with everything youve said though and I appreciate it. I'm going to try to start being more generous like my husband, and to not let my parents influence my way of thinking... and to learn to let things go! I seem to have a real problem with holding grudges... and I dont like it. I'm going to try to work harder on learning to leave the past in the past. Theres no point in making myself miserable because of things that happened years ago. Theres nothing I can do to change anything. Might as well move on, be happy and look forward to the future.

You know, in the back of my mind, I always felt kind of guilty for giving my husband a hard time when his family wants to visit... after all, he lives several hundred miles away from them... when I lived in Georgia and was miles away from my parents, I certainly wouldnt have liked it if he gave me a hard time whenever they wanted to visit. I think I just needed some insight from others to confirm that I had a right to feel that way... even though I was hoping that everyone would take my side instead of my husband's... deep down I knew that probably nobody would.
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Old 02-23-2013, 02:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

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Originally Posted by FryFish View Post
I cant bother reading anything beyond your opening post...

my take:
edit: sorry, my original response was quite rude.

You lack empathy... Try being poor WITHOUT a family... its NOT possible... Everything in your life comes and goes EXCEPT your family... they are your ONLY rock...

You are too young to be married and certainly too immature.
You know, I was prepared to get responses like this... and it honestly doesn't bother me because nobody here knows enough about me to determine whether Im too "immature" to be married.

You're taking one thing here... ONE thing that my husband and I don't agree with each other on... and saying that because of that one thing, Im too immature to be married. Thats ridiculous. Do you realize that this is pretty much the only thing that my husband and I ever have arguments about? We never argue about money.. which I think is something to be proud of because money is a HUGE topic of debate for a lot of married couples. We never argue about anything really.... except for this one issue. Other than that, we are on the same page about everything.

I fully admit that the way Ive been behaving toward my husband when it comes to his family has been very selfish on my part. Thats why I came here for advice... nobody is perfect all the time you know... sometimes people are wrong, and that does not make them immature... its makes them human. In fact, after I read some of the responses here, I thought about things and I agreed with most everyone. And because I am not afraid to admit when Im wrong, I actually told my husband that I was being unreasonable. I apologized and told him that I would try to be more welcoming toward his family when they want to visit, even though Im not thrilled about having people over at my house, I know that HE enjoys having his family over, so for him, I can learn to deal with it. If I was so immature, I dont think I would have came here to ask for advice on the matter in the first place.

But again, thats your opinion, if you want to use one thing that my husband and I have issues with (and the ONLY thing) and use it to judge me with, then so be it. Youre entitled to think whatever you want to think.
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Old 02-23-2013, 02:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sick of getting into arguments about my husband's family!

KK,

You have most of your life ahead of you. Yes your parents raised you one way. But you have the capacity to evaluate situations and chose to do things your own way.

I am sure that your parents are good people who only want the best for you. But it sounds like you have a good husband who loves you. He's your primary family now so you have to change in ways that help your relationship with him.

There are two things about marriage. One is that each of you need to make the other your focus. Instead of looking at what you want, look at what he wants and how you can help him achieve it. He should be doing the same for you. The other is that in all things, if you come from love, you will do the right thing.
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