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This is a very hard post for me to write. But I need all of the support I can get to keep my backbone strong over the next few weeks.
So here is yet another attempt to write it and make it short.
My 23 yr old step daughter, Amy, is a meth head. Keep in mind that I raised her from age 10 so she’s more like an adopted daughter to me.
In late 2010, at age 20, she married a 45 year old meth head (Slimeball) who was waiting for sentencing on charges of possession with intent to distribute and manufacturing meth and about 20 other felony charges. He’s a very dangerous man. His mother put together the flatulent marriage and signed as a witness. Some other guy pretended to be Slimeball. This gave Slimeball a wife for visits and someone on the outside.
A few months after Slimeball went away for his 18 year sentence, Amy and he were busted for smuggling drugs into prison with intent to distribute. Slimeball got a slap on the hand.
Amy was up for 22 years. But her attorney worked something out where she got 4 years’ probation.
Due to the conviction and conspiracy, Amy can no longer visit Slimeball in prison. That’s a good thing. But Slimeball calls her from prison several times a day and they write each other constantly. In the phone calls Slimeball yells at her, belittles her, etc. He tells her that she has to be in the house waiting for his phone calls all the time. If she goes out to school she reports her time to him, who she talks to, etc. It’s the strangest thing I have ever seen. He’s not even around but she is participating in allowing herself to be abused and controlled via telephone and letters.
I admit that I read some of the letters he sends her. In them he tells her that because he’s in prison he has to control her. He cannot live if he does not control her.
She sends him money. When she was in school she got financial aid. Last summer she sent him $700 of her financial aid. He was calling her up telling her that someone in prison was going to beat him up if he did not pay them protection money. So he needed even more money. She got to the point of begging me for money. I refused. My response to her was let them beat him up. But I also told her that he’s scamming her and using her for money.
I am so freaked out by this and sick from it. This is the first time in my 63 years that I’ve known anyone in real legal trouble, or in prison. It’s such a shock. I’m horrified.
In October 2012 Amy was back in jail due to a dirty drug test. I was actually glad she was in jail for months. No drugs. Yes I know the prison she was in.. no drugs. IT’s not a big city jail. She could only write to Slimeball. No phone calls. She wanted me to put money in her account but I refused to because she would use it to buy stationary and stamps to write him. It will not subsidize that relationship.
In mid Feb 2013 she was released, back on probation with an order to a short in patient rehab.
So here’s my current problem. We are having weekly teleconferences with her from rehab. It’s a 7 hour drive from here so we have to do it by telephone. In the last meeting she went on and on about how she loves me and how she appreciates all I’ve ever done for her and how I’m the only parent she really has. Then later in the call she asked if she can come live with me after rehab. She said that she’d agree to me doing drug tests on her. She has her probation meetings. She’d get a job. She says that she will help me out around the house and yard. And on and on.
Now I have virtually no help around here and I would love the help. When she’s good I love having her around. The company would do me so much good. If I knew 100% that she was changed, no more drugs, all drug friends are out of her life, and Slimeball as a quick divorce to becoming history.. I’d let her move in, in a heartbeat. But that’s a pipe dream at this point.
We have another telecom this Saturday. I’m trying to steel myself for it because I feel I have to tell her no, she cannot move in here.
Why am I finding it hard to tell her no? Because she will most likely not do well if she cannot move in here because she has nowhere to go. The does not seem to be any halfway house, etc here in town that she can move into.
Why do I have to tell her no?
Because I cannot take her drama.
Because I have no faith in her anymore. She’s lied so much. She and her friends from used me and stolen from me too many times.
Because I cannot help her.
Because my son, 24, is going very well in college and he says her drama has already interrupted his ability to do well in school way too much.
Because her father, who I divorced in March 2012, is still here. I want him out of my house. And he does nothing to help.
Because she’s married to Slimeball and I cannot handle the phone calls, the yelling, the strange controlling relationship she has with him.
Because Slimeball is a dangerous man and I’m afraid that my son and I will end of targets of his violence. That’s from associates on the outside.
I am willing to help find her a place to move to. But so far I have not had any luck. The rehab says that they only know of one here in town. But they are not sure that the place has a bed for her.
So, for years she's proven that she's unreliable, untrustworthy, basically a slave to illegal drugs and an abusive piece of crap jailbird of a husband. In 30 days or less, however, she's turned over a new leaf and will be the helpful, dutiful, appreciative darling of your dreams. Sounds to me like she's found out it'd be easier to get released from court-ordered inpatient rehab if she had a residence with some sort of support. She managed to get a 22 year sentence busted down to 4 years probation. Even with that threat she couldn't manage to keep her promise. What are the odds that she'd keep any of the ones she's made to you when you have no threat of prison hanging over her head? Her words say she appreciates you. Her actions say she steals from and exploits you and lets her friends do so, too. I'm inclined to believe her actions. You likely have a hard time saying "no" because you're her parent and you have a heart. You also want desperately to believe she's changed and you'll cling to any tiny thread of hope. That's what parents do. On the other hand, you're not insane. If she really wanted to put a life of illegal drugs behind her, she'd abandon Mr. Drug-Dealing Jailbird. No way she'll stay on the straight and narrow with him in the picture and surely she knows it. It doesn't seem like she's ever had a serious intention of getting clean and neither has he.
I suspect a lot of promises and tears went into getting a 22 year sentence knocked down to 4 years' probation. If jailbird promises were made of sand, I could have built a mountain years ago.
You've got one person sponging off you. That's one too many. If she moves in, Mr. Jailbird will get released at some point and your crib will probably be where he builds his nest. That'd be way too much drama and intrigue for me to want to deal with.
I've worked my whole life to have a home. I'm not losing it to the police because some nimrod wants to cook or sling meth out of it. People who hang out with druggies are generally victims and I just don't care to be a victim, especially from my own kid.
I imagine it'll be harder to kick her out of your crib with dad living there and it'd be harder to kick him out of your crib with her living there. You can't move on with your own life until both of them get out of your space.
If she gets pregnant, it'll be almost impossible to get her out because then you'll have grandma guilt and a grandbaby added to the equation.
These players have made their own choices against your advise and against your wishes. Their screwups don't place any moral obligation on you to dangle on some cross endlessly while they figure out how to be decent human beings. Any need they have is a natural consequence of their own choices and their needs don't entitle them to gobble up the fruits of your honest labor.
Thanks for your post. I need to keep hearing this and getting input on this.
I am putting together notes for Saturday’s telecom so that I have a plan for what I will say. I will be using some of the words you wrote.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable
These players have made their own choices against your advise and against your wishes. Their screwups don't place any moral obligation on you to dangle on some cross endlessly while they figure out how to be decent human beings. Any need they have is a natural consequence of their own choices and their needs don't entitle them to gobble up the fruits of your honest labor.
There is no way I will let her move in here. I’m so done. Like you said she has to face her the natural consequences of her actions.
AT this point I believe that I actually have a moral obligation to not help her. She has to seek our help on her own and get it from those who are equipped through training and experience to turn her life around.
After starting this thread, something came to mind. The one place that is available for her here in town for a follow on to the rehab is a 6-12 month program. She would have to live there. She cannot have a job. It’s basically a very controlled, in house program. She probably cannot have a cell phone, no calls from Slimeball. She probably could not even write him or get letters from him.
Now it makes complete sense why she’s fighting going there.
I doubt that she has told the folks at the rehab about her lovely husband. I suppose I’ll do that on Saturday. Or maybe I’ll call tomorrow and see if I can get a session with one of the counselors there. They really need to know that she’s pulling the wool over their eyes about her husband.
I have tought about contacting someone about the fact that their marriage is fraudulant. If the marriage becomes void then she could never visit him in prison again.
But I don't know if it's worth doing as I'm not even sure the county would do anything about it. Further I am afraid of Slimeball sending someone to shut me up.
I wouldn't even attempt to get between my daughter and some guy she believed she was in love with. You'd only make him the forbidden fruit and turn him into some sort of pitiful, misunderstood victim rather than the abusive turd he actually is. Besides, she'd only find a way around any restrictions you might erect. She could probably trot down to the prison and marry him there. Marriage by proxy isn't all that unusual and that's kind of what they did. Getting clean is a choice she needs to make and losing this abuser is also a choice she has to make.
unbelievable said : These players have made their own choices against your advise and against your wishes. Their screwups don't place any moral obligation on you to dangle on some cross endlessly while they figure out how to be decent human beings. Any need they have is a natural consequence of their own choices and their needs don't entitle them to gobble up the fruits of your honest labor.
Unbelievable said it ALL in his 1st post..not sure what else anyone could add to that. Take no guilt... This is ALL on her/ her choices in life...... how unfortunate that some people blindly RUN right ito a nightmare...when wisdom & good choices was before them -under the umbrella of a stable home life, so it sounds you provided.
Quote:
EleGirl said: Because Slimeball is a dangerous man and I’m afraid that my son and I will end of targets of his violence. That’s from associates on the outside.
This, for me, would be near unforgivable.. with associations like this, I would even disown a child...You need to think of your 24 yr old son doing well in college, his future, he is the responsible one... she has made her bed, let her LAY IN IT. I am sure you warned her early on of getting involved with this riff raff... Some people can never be helped...no matter what you do for them, they will drown you in their own drama & it can come back to destroy a family.
You are doing the right thing for her and for you.
Perhaps she will make it through, and the two of you can have a real adult relationship one day, but that is on her.
You are not tossing her out, or down the tubes, or anything. You are requiring her to stand on her feet and be a responsible, productive human being, that is a gift. Whether she takes it or not is up to her.
Stay strong Elegirl. You offer so much wisdom to others on this board, I'm glad you could share.
I wouldn't even attempt to get between my daughter and some guy she believed she was in love with. You'd only make him the forbidden fruit and turn him into some sort of pitiful, misunderstood victim rather than the abusive turd he actually is. Besides, she'd only find a way around any restrictions you might erect. She could probably trot down to the prison and marry him there. Marriage by proxy isn't all that unusual and that's kind of what they did. Getting clean is a choice she needs to make and losing this abuser is also a choice she has to make.
You are again right. Getting between them would only make her fight for him more.
She knows how everyone in the family feels about him and her marriage to him. It has driven her more towards him. We are not going to pretend anything different about how we feel. In this case our feelings are very justified.
So yep, I’m not getting between them. I just will not encourage, participate, etc. For example she gives him money. So I will not help her in any way financially. Every dollar I would give her is a dollar she can send him for whatever he's doing in prison. I have no doubt that he has found another way to get drugs into prison and that's what he's using it for.
Here in our state, marriage by proxy is illegal except in 2 counties. They did the marriage in a county where it’s illegal. Normally in marriage by proxy the two are getting married are the ones who actually sign the marriage application, license, certificate. In the case the stand-in did all of that. The signatures are forged.
I decided to not interfere when I found out about the marriage because it would only drive her close to him. I that time I just kicked her out of the house.
It’s just that sometimes I get to wishful thinking. At least I know it’s wishful thinking and am not wasting my time and energy actually doing anything. But sometimes these things play through my mind.
Unbelievable said it ALL in his 1st post..not sure what else anyone could add to that. Take no guilt... This is ALL on her/ her choices in life...... how unfortunate that some people blindly RUN right ito a nightmare...when wisdom & good choices was before them -under the umbrella of a stable home life, so it sounds you provided.
I agree what he said it all and he did it so well. I know that he is 100% correct and agree with him.
It is all on her. I know that too. While there really is not much more anyone can say, it does help me to be able to talk about it. The responses, all of them here help. Up to now I have been frozen, unable to talk about this to anyone except my ex, my son and my step son. I don’t want to talk much to my ex about it. He’s part of the problem. I don’t want to drag my son through any of this. It’s been too much for him already. He’s a great kid and doing well. He does not need to be my sounding board. And my step son, he’s almost as bad as his sister. I’ve banned him from my house. Enough said there.
I went over and above raising her and her brother with no help at all from their bio-mom and very little help from their father. I thought I was doing the right thing to stand by the children. Who knows maybe one day they will find get their act together? I just cannot do it anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
This, for me, would be near unforgivable.. with associations like this, I would even disown a child...You need to think of your 24 yr old son doing well in college, his future, he is the responsible one... she has made her bed, let her LAY IN IT. I am sure you warned her early on of getting involved with this riff raff... Some people can never be helped...no matter what you do for them, they will drown you in their own drama & it can come back to destroy a family.
Yep. I do find her marrying this guy very unforgivable. Her trying to bring him into my family is … well there are no words for it. This is why I cannot have her here, using me and my home as a base to help her maintain their disgusting relationship.
I agree with everyone, you are doing the right thing keeping her out. I wish you strength to stick with it.
I AM wondering though...WHY is your ex still there??
Thanks for the support.
Right now I do not have the strength to talk about why my ex is still here. And maybe that's part of the issue. The garbage she has brought into my life is interferring with me dealing with getting my ex out of here and getting my life where it needs to be.
EleGirl, You are doing the right thing. I just want to say that I know it is so very difficult to stay strong and do what your head knows you have to, when it breaks your heart to do it.
My xhusband had felt responsible for his younger brother. My xhusband got his act together early but his brother struggled. My x helped him many times, gave him jobs, cars, took him in when he was homeless and gave him too many chances. His behavior never changed, drugs, jail, etc. Then when my x decided he had to get tough. He told him, call for advice but thats all I will ever give you. I won't include you in my life as my brother until you go to rehab, stay clean and hold down a job for one year. Then you will be included in my life again as my brother.
For 5 years, my x said the next time I hear anything it will be the morgue asking me to identify his body. But as it turns out, the brother did call and it was to say that he went to rehab and he continued to call as he turned his life around.
My x always thought he was helping his brother but it turns out the best "help" he could give him was to make him take responsibility for his own life. When they say "tough" love, it sure is tough on the one dispensing it- just rips your heart out. Hang in there EleGirl.
You are doing the right thing for her and for you.
Perhaps she will make it through, and the two of you can have a real adult relationship one day, but that is on her.
You are not tossing her out, or down the tubes, or anything. You are requiring her to stand on her feet and be a responsible, productive human being, that is a gift. Whether she takes it or not is up to her.
Stay strong Elegirl. You offer so much wisdom to others on this board, I'm glad you could share.
Sadly even though I know the right thing to do, it’s so painful to do it. It’s hard to get out of the mommy mode where I want to protect and nurture her. Sometimes I feel defective because I hurt so much dealing with this. Both of her bio-parents have no problem just cutting her off.
I guess I’m just a push over in many ways. Maybe that’s what we call co-dependent? I hate this about myself. Here I need to be taking care of myself and my son. I’ve thrown too much energy down this rotten rabbit hole.
EleGirl, You are doing the right thing. I just want to say that I know it is so very difficult to stay strong and do what your head knows you have to, when it breaks your heart to do it.
My xhusband had felt responsible for his younger brother. My xhusband got his act together early but his brother struggled. My x helped him many times, gave him jobs, cars, took him in when he was homeless and gave him too many chances. His behavior never changed, drugs, jail, etc. Then when my x decided he had to get tough. He told him, call for advice but thats all I will ever give you. I won't include you in my life as my brother until you go to rehab, stay clean and hold down a job for one year. Then you will be included in my life again as my brother.
For 5 years, my x said the next time I hear anything it will be the morgue asking me to identify his body. But as it turns out, the brother did call and it was to say that he went to rehab and he continued to call as he turned his life around.
My x always thought he was helping his brother but it turns out the best "help" he could give him was to make him take responsibility for his own life. When they say "tough" love, it sure is tough on the one dispensing it- just rips your heart out. Hang in there EleGirl.
Thanks for sharing this. I know you are right.
With Amy I am going to have to throw in that she has to also be divorce from Slimeball for at least a year as well.
I agree with all the posters here.Be strong and remember you don't owe her anything.
She is the type of person is sadly
think will only change and learn when they totally hit rock bottom.
Some people only grow up when there totally on there own.
Fear is the best motivator.She wants to be an adult so that comes with
living with bad decisions you make.
Also that little voice you hear,listen its warning you no.
Your a good person so you naturally want to do the right thing,
but for you it is saying no to her.
Lastly,say no for your own "mental daily well being".
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Need help staying strong 
