My husband hates my daughter
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband hates my daughter

Help! I've only been married six months, and already we're in trouble. My first husband died from cancer in 2006, and I re-married what I thought was a good guy in 2/2009. He and my 16-year old daughter started off badly, and I regret marrying him because I should've known better, but I really don't want to get divorced. He is much more strict than I am, and somewhat contolling too. My daughter has slowly adjusted, but it's still hard for her. I've put her through a lot of changes, and I feel bad for her. Yes, she is lazy and sometimes disrespectful, but she's not all bad (Typical teenage stuff). He expects her to be perfect and come groveling to him after he has called her names like "ritard". He has two teen daughters of his own, but they know he loves them. He can be hard on them, but they've grown up with him. He says every time he's nice to my daughter, she's "abusive" back. It's more like her defenses are up after the way he treats her. He doesn't see his own faults. I've told him I refuse to pick between the two of them, and he says someday I might have to. I think not!
He has a temper, and my late husband didn't have any, so I wonder at this point what I was thinking. I would like to get counseling, and I don't know if he's willing to, but what should I do in the meantime? I don't think all hope is lost, but there's not much right now, that's for sure. Thanks.
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

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Originally Posted by tboostbug View Post
Help! I've only been married six months, and already we're in trouble. My first husband died from cancer in 2006, and I re-married what I thought was a good guy in 2/2009. He and my 16-year old daughter started off badly, and I regret marrying him because I should've known better, but I really don't want to get divorced. He is much more strict than I am, and somewhat contolling too. My daughter has slowly adjusted, but it's still hard for her. I've put her through a lot of changes, and I feel bad for her. Yes, she is lazy and sometimes disrespectful, but she's not all bad (Typical teenage stuff). He expects her to be perfect and come groveling to him after he has called her names like "ritard". He has two teen daughters of his own, but they know he loves them. He can be hard on them, but they've grown up with him. He says every time he's nice to my daughter, she's "abusive" back. It's more like her defenses are up after the way he treats her. He doesn't see his own faults. I've told him I refuse to pick between the two of them, and he says someday I might have to. I think not!
He has a temper, and my late husband didn't have any, so I wonder at this point what I was thinking. I would like to get counseling, and I don't know if he's willing to, but what should I do in the meantime? I don't think all hope is lost, but there's not much right now, that's for sure. Thanks.
I suggest family counseling. If he is not willing to go, he is making a choice. If I were in that spot, I would choose my daughter in a heartbeat. You and your daughter have both had a lot of changes and I am sorry to hear of your loss.
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

tboost - you do have to choose between the 2 if it comes to it and you choose your daughter. You know your in a bad situation - but you don't want to divorce - why? (I mean try counseling first but if that doesn't work) - why no divorce? The stigma? If its as bad as you say you're going to loose your daughter if you don't do something....in this situation your child comes first.
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

Not the stigma--the PROMISE. I take my marriage vows seriously.
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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So seriously that you'll let your daughter live like this in order to uphold them....I'm pretty sure God didn't mean for your daughter to suffer in order for you to be married.

Try everything you can to keep from it - I'm not saying walk out the door this second - but if your husband won't come around and start treating her better....you have to choose - and as a mother the only choice is your child.
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I agree! My daughter is 27 and she has been less than perfect, let's just say she has issues. My husband knew about this before we were married. I am quite frankly Tired of defending her All the Time. all our arguments turn into K--xXX bashing sessions. He is very negative I am a very positive person. We have been married for 4 years now. I am ready to throw in the towel. Cuz guess what, my daughter is Never going away. My grandson who is 5 does not want to come over because he says my PaPa always has a mad face on!!!
I have to do what I have to do for my peace.

Last edited by Joker101; 09-23-2009 at 02:52 PM. Reason: add comment
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Old 09-23-2009, 06:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

Although Biblically speaking...at least in mine (and I am open to anyone's religious beliefs), you are to support your spouse before any other human entity. On the other hand, you have a legal obligation to your daughter until she is eighteen years old, unless she is emancipated. Whether right or wrong, I would choose to support my child.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

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Originally Posted by tboostbug View Post
Not the stigma--the PROMISE. I take my marriage vows seriously.
You take your vows seriously...???????????????

And what about your motherhood... this is not serious..???????

Seriously......
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Me and my step daughter do not get along. My wife and her step daughter (my daughter) do not get along. At the start of being a belnded family we were not acting right in the home and today we do not care for each others kids.
Blended families are damn hard. I have learned and accepted I do not have to like my step daughter or visa versa. I expect courtesy, respect and for my wife never to be mean to my daughter. If there is a serious problem she alway scomes to me and I address her concerns with my kids. My daughter is also 16 by the way...My long term goal is to take care and love my kids but also to sustain a happy marriage and grow old with my wife cause one day not to far away my kids will be out of the house and won't have to deal with the tension they do today. My kids go their own way...as they should and my kids are never discrespected. If they were I would be having a serious discussion with my wife.
Judging by your email he is disrespecting your daughter. That is not cool, yes he is your husband and that means a lot but to cause mental anguish to your daughter needs to stop even if it means goodbye!! I have NEVER disrespected my daughter or made her feel bad intentionally. That is just sick and unacceptable to any parent when after all those kids are our blood.
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default My husband hates my daughter

I don't know what to do.

I've been married to my husband for 14 years. When we met, he knew I had a baby.
At the time she was only 18 months old.
I lost custody of her because of him, and my mom not getting along. My mom went with her dad to the courts and lied to them and told the judge I had abandoned her when all I did was have her babysit for a night.

Fourteen years later,and three more kids. I got custody back because she hates her bio father.
Since she has come to live with us, my husband I are always fighting about her.
They do not get along at all.
She is a typical 16 year old, she's selfish, rude, and is mean to her brothers and sister.
I grew up being the youngest of 8 kids. He grew up with just his mom and younger sister.
I think her behavior is typical. He thinks she's the worst child ever. She is very head strong and he cant stand it.

She NEVER gets into trouble and her grades have always been A's and B's. She doesnt sneak out or drink or do drugs and she has her priorities straight. She's working on becoming a large animal vet, and he still cannot stand her.
He won't talk to me if she's around and is very pissy. He can't stand it when she's in same room with us and he is ALWAYS telling me things about her to make me mad at her.
He wants me to send her back to her mentally abusive dad, but I refuse to.

I love him very much, and our relationship is great except for the fact that she's in it.

If we fight at all, it's over her.
We have talked about getting a divorce several times and I'm at my wits end trying to deal with it. It doesnt hurt anymore when he makes snide remarks or is mean to me when she's around.

Is it time to call it quits? Do I seperate my kids and thier dad over this?
We have been together thru so much but this we cant seem to overcome this.

I dont want to leave but i dont want to live this way anymore.

I have given so much to him. We're military so I don't have a job nor do I have a retirment because we have moved so much I havent been able to keep a job.

What do I do?
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You go see a licensed psychologist with your husband and talk this out. Your husband is being selfish. Your daughter was abandoned and now that you have her back, you need to keep her. Somebody has to stand up for her after all that has happened. It sounds like you and your daughter have been exposed to a highly dysfunctional family system (your mom and ex) and a therapist can help you with that.

Your husband needs to understand that she is your daughter and he has to be more flexible. No, you don't have to allow her to get away with bad behavior, but teens are naturally selfish and moody. And having lived with an abusive father, of course she is going to have her walls up and be defensive. Your husband is the adult and he has to deal with it. He's acting like a bratty child who hasn't gotten his way.

I would encourage therapy. She's going to be leaving for college in a few years, so he just needs to hold on. Maybe he resents her because she is a reminder of your past. Maybe your daughter resents him because she feels like you abandonded her for him. Maybe your daughter feels jealous that your other kids got all of you and the life she never had with her. She may feel cheated and I wouldn't blame her one bit. Can't your husband understand any of that? He sounds so selfish.

Please do not give up on your daughter. She needs you.
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my daughter

tboostbug:

It sounds like although you take your vows seriously this is not be a healthy situation for your daughter or you to remain in, he is verbally abusing her and that is not right she is young but those words can scar maybe more than any broken bone can. I know you want to keep your marriage but you have said yourself this is not the man that you thought he was and do you really want to subject your self or your daughter to his attitude and verbal abuse for long. just standing by while your daughter is abused is not very motherly, you gave birth to her and chose to keep her and in doing so you have given an unbreakable vow to protect her and raise her in a safe environment, so give her that, leave him it will end that way just do it before she is to broken for you to fix, think of what your first husband would think if he could see his baby being treated the way she is being treated.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Are you disciplining her when she disrespects your spouse or do you consider that something that would cause her trauma? I'm not asking that in a snotty tone, I'm genuinely curious. I see a lot of biological parents (my DH included) who seem to think saying "This is my spouse and these are OUR rules" to be the equivelant of child abuse. So he's strict and has standards - it is his home, too, correct? Do you expect him to lower his standards for what he expects of his life so that your daughter can be rude and lazy? Calling her a "retard" is uncalled for, it does sound like it is frustration based. Have you tried talking to him and reaching a compromise for what is expected of her, do you have punishments/rewards that you both agree on? I don't think you can say that she has a right to snap back at him even when he is nice simply because she's been burned before. Respecting your elders/superiors is a skill she will find useful all her life. If he's hitting her, depriving her, or otherwise abusing her it is one thing. If he just expects her to pull her weight and keep a civil tongue in her head, I think that is just good parenting.

I would try to encourage him to go into counseling with you. Not because either of you is right and needs to sway the other one but, in my past experience going to counseling with my mom, having an unbiased third party present keeps both parties on task and working toward the same goal rather than dissolving into hysterics and fit pitching.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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OP is 2 years old.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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tboostbug,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been remarried for six years, and I knew better, but thought love would solve everything. It was so-so while my daughter was younger(10 when we married and his oldest was 10 as well), I went through H*** with his oldest daughter. Her mother is bi-polar and just plain mean, and she has the tendencies.....last year (she is almost 18 now) we finally got to where we have a pretty great relationship. However, now, my husband HATES my daughter (same age as his) b/c she has made some questionable choices, and lies about things, mostly because she hates living with him and his three daughters (almost 18, almost 16, and almost 13). He seems to think it is ok to raise mean spirited children, when I was going through H*** with his oldest his comment was "I don't want to break her spirit." every time my daughter does something wrong, he jumps on it.......I am regretting marrying him as much as I love him. His girls used to go through our room and search for things to steal and take to their mother, yet they are allowed ALL access to our room and bathroom. If my daughter goes in all h*** breaks loose! I know how you feel, this could almost have been my initial post, minus the deceased husband. I am SO sorry for your loss.
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