[believer]

I want to see if my thoughts are normal or way off base:

My husband & I are seperated. only discussed divorce more seriously in past 2 months but neither of us have taken any legal steps at this point.
I was recently made aware that is he is "getting to know someone" whom also has a child (10 yr old). He has our children (9 & 4) 1 night/week. This summer they ( Other woman, her daughter, my husband & our 2 children) have gotten together - beach, movies, out to eat, etc.

My kids have been introduced to the other woman, as daddy's co-worker, whom has a daughter they can play with. I felt that this was totally inapporpriate that they would have been introduced at this stage.(even though the OT was not introduced as "girlfriend"). Although it would have been tough to hear from him that he has already moved on & not to have to hear it from my 4 yr old He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it - because the kids get along.

I feel that if/when one of us is dating/starts dating someone else - our children should not be introduced until we are pretty confident that the relationship is going to be long lasting. Am I wrong? am I naive?
this whole thought is so far from what I ever thought I would have to be dealing with in a marriage but yet here I am - doing just that. Trying to figure out if I am way off base in thinking this behavior is inappropriate.
Please give me your thoughts so give me some sense of where I fall in the spectrum of appropriateness. . . .

During our seperation, we did not really discuss "seeing others". It was not a consideration on my part, as I felt it would be inappropriate because we were still married. And I was assured he was not seeing the original woman who he had the affair with.
Guess he didn't see it that way, but should I be surprised considering he cheated on me during our marriage.

Next question, now that they have been introduced & can't be "un- introduced" what now?
I asked that for the 1 night a week that he has our kids that he not spend time with the other woman & her child. I explained to my husband that he has such limited time with his kids that I would really like him to be able to focus on them & not share that time with the OT & her kids. I don't think I am being unreasonable - am I?

What does he tell our kids if they ask about their new playmate? why can't they see her? what's a good excuse? because eventually if this relationship with the mom gets more serious - they may see this child again.

Give me your thoughts & advice. . . .

[TNgirl232]

No I agree with you - my ex recently introduced a new girlfriend of 3 months to my daughter after he said he was going to wait. apparently he had talked about her enough in front of our daughter to make her curious and push to meet her.

Unfortunately - you can't make him follow your rules or suggestions. Ultimately he has to agree with your point in order to follow it and it seems like he doesn't.

Good luck with everything.

[hideandseek]

You are totally right to feel that way, but unfortunately you have no control over it. What you can do, is be sure that your kids know that they can ask you anything and talk to you about anything. Make sure they know that you are always going to be their mother and that their father will always be there for them.

You can't restrict or control his behaviour, unless he is actually doing harm or putting them in danger, but you can control how you react to it.

You might want to ask him, in future, to let you know first so that if the children have questions, you can be prepared to answer them.

[no1.daddy2kids]

Wow. Sounds alot like my situation. My W started seeing someone and he has a young daughter like I do. She had seen the daughter before and I told her I was not comfortable with our kids meeting him. She said she would not have any get together. About 3 days later, she, him, and the kids went to the movies. I was pissed, and let her know it. She sees no problem with it all. I have let her know that I don't think this is right and wanted to stop it, but like others have said, no-one is in harm and she is with them all as well. Although I don't like it, there is nothing I can really do about it. The whole situation raises tensions, and that probably leads to escalation of problems.

I feel for your situation, as I am living the same thing. Probably the best you can do is to get this sitution moving in one direction or the other, either stop it so the other woman goes away, or file for divorce. Easier said than done in either case.

[believer]

Ok thanks for the reassurance that what I thought seemed reasonable.
As all of you have mentioned, unfortunately, I can not control my husband behavior & can only ask that he respect my wishes. We spoke about moving forward with our divorce 2 weeks ago & I let him know that I did like them spending time together - especially when he only has 1 night with his kids. I told him he is free to see this other woman 6 other nights of the week but was hoping he could dedicate his full attention to our kids the 1x he has them.
Since our conversation - he has taken the OW daughter to the movies with our kids last week & tonight he was supposed to have only taken the daughter on an outing today afterschool but "his friend" wanted to come too - so she did. so the 5 of the went off together again. Should I be happy that he told me 1st & that I didn't have to hear it from my 4yr old? When he was planning the outing, he did not mention he would be taking the OW's daughter but I had a gut feeling. ( & sure enough that is what happened.)

A part of me truely does not want my children to introduced to whomever he is seeing at the moment & for them to see other women come & go ( not that I expect my husband to have a steady stream of women - but who know- he never ceases to amaze me) . Especially because our children only know that we are seperated. We have not told our 9 yr old that we plan to officially divorce. This could be a whole need thread but while I'm on the topic - we have been seperated for 1yr 5 months & the kids know they stay at mommy's house & daddy's house, etc.
Once we divorce - I don't expect too many things to actually change in their lives. I guess for our 9 yr old she needs to know that mommy & daddy won't be getting back together - not sure if she is still hoping that will happen? will start a seperate thread on this topic.

But what is also difficult in this situation is how quickly he moved on from our marriage. We are not even officially divorced & had not really finalized our decision until recently - yet he is "getting to know someone else". Hmmmm. Guess I should be happy because it should make it easier for me to finally end it & move on with my life. I think down the road once our divorce is final, I could be happy that he found someone els & hopefully can be happy. But right now - it is difficult to feel that way because I feel it is still so soon.

I guess I will need to reiterate my concern for the childrens sake & make it about the kids. Because he doesn't seem to be respectful of what I think or what makes me feel comfortable. But I am sure he will turn it around on me & say "whats the big deal - the kids get along great - so what's the harm?". It bothers me that he is spending time with the OW & our kids see that.

ugh. . .

[TNgirl232]

I agree that children shouldn't see a stream of people come through the door - it gives them the wrong lesson on what relationships should be....however (and don't yell at me) deep down I think part of the problem is you are now having to share your children with another female figure - another 'mother' to use that term very loosely at this point. I know exactly where you are coming from. My ex stayed with the girl he cheated on me with for 2 and a half years and I hated her 'playing' mother to my child - which is all she did being as young as she was. There is nothing to help that but time unfortunately. You will eventually start dating as well and he may have the same feelings.

The best way to make this easy for your children is for you both to show them you love them and NEVER use them as a weapon against each other. Luckily that has managed to stay true between me and my ex and my daughter has adjusted really well to everything - she never thought me and her dad would get back together at any point. We both had SO's rather quickly and while some wouldn't agree - I think it helped her adjustment as both were in the picture for a very long time - we'll I married mine - and my ex was with his for 2 and a half years - and there was no time to plan on mom and dad's reunion.

[believer]

Most definitely the OW "playing mother" to my kids it a tough one to swallow.
It is a combination of things that bother me as well as I mentioned above.
1) that my husband has already moved on & we are not even divorced yet. concerned he got into this relationship because he was lonely & that is not a good foundation for a lasting relationship.
2) that our kids & the OW + her child have already been introduced without my knowledge & at they can't be "un- introduced" at this point.
3) that he has such limited time with our kids & then chooses to share it with the OW & her child. he can spend all other 6 night with the OW if he choses but I don't feel that my kids should have to share their few hours with their dad & someone else & their kid.
4) wondering what our kids think of this OW - he claims nothing & that they wouldn't see anything that would lead them to believe they are anything more than co-worker
5) my husband sees nothing wrong with this picture & thinks because the kids get along it is OK.
6) even though I have asked him to please dedicate his 1 night with our kids - he has chosen to ignore it on several occassion since we spoke about it.

We we discussed this I told him to think if the roles were reverse to think about how he would feel? he didn't really respond.
I guess when & if I start dating anytime in the future - he'll get a taste of his own medicine & see how it feels.

thanks for listening

[knortoh]

Believer

I have read all of your posts (both this thread and the others) and I consider you to be one of the most reasonable considerate human beings ever to have walked this earth!

Like the other posters I just wish to confirm that you have every right to be cross/concerned....

Unfortunately most of who have found our way onto this site know that we can't control the behavoirs of anyone else - and it would seem that your H can be very selfish. (no disrespect intended)

Don't really know what else to say - can't offer any advice as I haven't been there 'yet' although it is imminent....

Just wanted to lend a bit of support!

[Tim]

As a dad I keep my son from my "dates" but sometimes it's innevitable that they will run into eachother. My son is very much a part of my life and up until recently I had him 75% of the time while she 25%.

If I were a woman, and I had a man coming over regularly...and had my son meet this guy...everyone would understand. Like this lady that your husband is going with...you are no one here even mentioned their concern about HER 2 kids meeting your EX. ??? No one seems to question when the roles are reversed in this way. It's really....not fair.

Unless your husband was just screwing around...which doesnt sound like he is doing...then you should respect that he is working at a serious relationship with someone and commend that he is family oriented. Let bygones be bygones and move on. She's not a crackhead...she's not an ex con or a **** that he is seeing...she's a mom and has a family. They had fun one weekend...everyone together. Be happy that is what your son experienced...not jealousy.

[TNgirl232]

Tim - we are responding to her concerns as a mother - not crossing into some other woman's thoughts. We don't know how her ex feels about her introducing her kids to another man - he may be fine with it as she is.

As a woman - I did not introduce my child to anybody until I was darn sure it would be a committed relationship for some time to come - and it was and still is - we got married this past december. I don't think its a gender judgment - we are simple responding to this posters concern. If it had been a man I would of said the same things.

[Lizzie60]

I agree that it was a little too early in the relationship.. but you also have to understand that you cannot control his behaviour. He might take bad decisions but there is not much you can do about it.. except talk to him about it..

If he thinks he's right.. then you need to move on... not much you can do ...


From what I read.. you seem to be very controlling:

What does he tell our kids if they ask about their new playmate? why can't they see her? what's a good excuse? because eventually if this relationship with the mom gets more serious - they may see this child again.

This is not really for you to answer for HIM... he needs to take his own decisions regarding his own life.. and what he needs to tell the kids..

What if he thinks it's OK to bring this woman on the night he has the kids.. what can you do about it..

Methink you're trying to control him more out of revenge than about the kids.. really..

[Tim]

Originally Posted by TNgirl232

Tim - we are responding to her concerns as a mother - not crossing into some other woman's thoughts. We don't know how her ex feels about her introducing her kids to another man - he may be fine with it as she is.

As a woman - I did not introduce my child to anybody until I was darn sure it would be a committed relationship for some time to come - and it was and still is - we got married this past december. I don't think its a gender judgment - we are simple responding to this posters concern. If it had been a man I would of said the same things.

I guess the question is...why the concern?
When is the point when he is allowed to bring the boy around the new woman? 1 month, 2 months, 1 year? How long is long enough?

To me, it entails wanting your partner to have a double life more for the sake of a marriage that no longer exists than for the child. After all, there's nothing wrong with meeting and spending time with a new person while having your kids around. What if he was a single parent? What then? It doesnt harm the child at all...my perspective on this is that BELIEVER is just hurt and scared of a new woman in her exhusband's life. Maybe the fear revolves around being replaced as a mother. Maybe it revolves around jealousy that he might establish a happy new family and she's not a part of it.

I'm not trying to start crap, I'm asking simple questions and giving my perspective on it. Isn't that what we are all here for?

I have to say, I've had similar feelings and fears as well. Really, they don't make logical sense until you realize its more about your personal issues than anything else. We are not one's to judge when an ex's relationship is "too soon" or what not because there's no such thing! I say this with all respect, but I'm not pulling punches. I'm being very direct and clear about my points.

[TNgirl232]

I think the fear is from the child getting attached to the new person - only for them to disappear in 2 or 3 months time. And that the other parent would have a rotating door. This is not good for the child - in the beginning they will just get hurt over and over - eventually they will think this is the way relationships work -it gets hard...just get a new one - what's the big deal - mom/dad did it....

And she admitted part of the problem is having another "parent" to her child potentially in the picture.

They are also not even divorced - only separated - so she sees this as a further complication to the situartion.

Any parent is going to be wary of their ex's SO - they want to make sure their children are taken care of and the SO is an unknown factor - base protective instinct. You might say we should trust the other parent to do what's right as they are a parent as well....but they broke your trust in some way - hence the divorce - so your faith in their judgment isn't always the best.

[Tim]

ya I understand and agree completely those are legit fears. I feel the same way, everything mentioned here I can relate with.

However, the fact of the matter is...

and here it goes....

ready for it...

...
..

thats life!

Unfortunately, life will dish out new people day to day. People come and go, and actually, logically, the child will be hurt LESS if the parent has shorter relationships than long ones in that respect of "attachment". With that argument, you can argue that a child progressing to another grade is not emotionally good for them because they lost that teacher, and they are being introduced to an entirely new classroom with new children etc... In that sense, school is more traumatic! But the discussion really isn't about this type of trauma is it? Its about the Ex getting a new lover...and the child is in reality being used as a way to justify meddling in another's business and gossiping etc....

I met a few women in day to day life where I got their numbers and such while with my son. A few were mom's themselves. And no, its not raunchy or careless of me, its me living my life...its all very mature and friendly "Oh you go to that park too? Wow! We love that park too!" or whatever.

Or sometimes parents meet other parents AT the park and both their kids will play together.

You can't shelter children too much and I don't have to lecture on that, we all know that...so where is the fear really coming from? friends come and go, relationships come and go. The idea of having one partner and sticking to that partner for life is really a fantasy. You can't shelter them for ever and keep them from seeing that you have interests in the opposite sex.

Like I said...when you look at it logically, it becomes clear that these fears are really not logical at all. They really don't make sense and they come from a place thats more of an ideal and fantasy type reality, and a place of jealousy and vindictiveness than anything else.

Anyways, I guess we can just agree to disagree. I can tell that we are not getting anywhere. I made my points and your welcome to continue, but I realize I wrote a lot already.

[believer]

Hello it's me Believer - having computer problems so not able to check in as often .
As Tim said in last post - everything we are posting are just opinions. No one can force anyone to agree with them but merely explain your side of the point/arguement so that others can see where they are coming from.
Tim I can appreciate your directness & your opinion but would just like to clarify where I am coming from.

My husband & I are not divorced yet, still only seperated. We only decided that divorce would be the next step a few weeks ago however, I have recently found out that he has been getting to know "his friend" for longer than that. So in my eyes we are still married & therefore should not be dating anyone at this stage. And more importantly brining that person around in front of our kids (9 & 4). We have not told our 9 yr old that we plan to divorce. So I think it may be a bit confusing & sending the wrong message to her - if & when she sees her dad with another woman.

I am not concerned about being replaced as a mother - as I know that I am a great mother & am not threatened by this other person.
I realize that I can not control my husbands actions but have pointed out to him that he only sees our kids 1 night/week from afterschool 5/6pm til bedtime so approx. 4- 5hrs. I think that our kids deserve their dads undivided attention for this brief amount of time they see him each week. When we spoke, I mentioned to him that if he wants to see "his friend" 6 others days in the week - I don't care nor would I know. But as a courtesy to our children - that they deserve to spend quality time with their dad & not have to share it with someone else.

Does it bother me that he is seeing someone else - yes.
I chose my screen name "believer" for several reasons - 1 being that I believe in marriage & that if a man & woman commit to each other they need to try to make it work & exhaust all options before just throwing in the towel. I think that now a days too many people give up to soon & don't always work as hard as they can to try to repair thier marriage. I feel that too many people find it easier to quit & get divorced instead of dealing with the issues. So going with my motto - "believe" in marriage. I feel that until you are officailly divorced - you should not be seeing anyone else because you would be breaking your marritial (sp?) vows.

Am I jealous? - No because I can finally realize that our relationship was not healthy & that he cheated on me once & I will never be able to trust him again - so I know it is over.

As several other have posted, it doesn't send the right message to our kids about relationships. Once we are officially divorced, my husband can date a different woman each day of the week if he likes, but I certainly wouldn't want our daughters being introduced to each of them. Kid that go through a seperation & divorce already are going to hav issues & concerns. And I feel they need their parents support, attention & love so they know they are important.

So all I am asking of my husband, is to not spend his 1 night of the week that he has our daughter with "his friend" & to dedicate him time to our kids. They deserve it - thanks to his actions ( an affair) they will not have the benefit of growing up in a traditional family ( & have a step sister to remind us of his infidelity too

Knortoh - thanks for you comment about me being the most reasonable person to walk the earth. I think you are taking that a bit far. But I would like to think that I am fair & reasonable - thanks for you support.

TNgirl232 - you & I are on the same page for sure. Our thoughts about, if & when our kids do meet "the new friend" - that it be someone that is going to be in the picture for sometime & to give our kids some stabilty. And like you mentioned, most of us don't know the "new friend" - so yes, we are going to be a bit leary of having our children around someone we know nothing about.

And we all would love to trust our spouses judgement but as many of us on here are dealing wit infidelity issues (or at least I am) that our spouses track record may not be so great in "good judgement" area.

Enough ranting for now . . . did I make my point more clear??
Tim - do you understand where I am coming from yet??