[Racer]

My marriage is on the rocks at the moment. I’ve got a long gory post elsewhere if you are curious, but one problem I have now is the Wife’s family.

We get together normally every other week. Because they are so close, they gossip like crazy. I don’t know how to say it without being rude, but they are just a step above trailer trash. The wife and I have joked and talked about the all the different situations that come up. There’s drug abuse, stealing, affairs, alcoholics, divorces, prison visits, etc. It’s a huge family (19 uncles/aunts alone without counting spouses) so there is always drama and rumors. There is nothing even remotely close to it in my family.

After confronted about her infidelity by family members, she apparently has told her closest family all about the “horrible stuff” I do to justify her actions. This includes telling them that I think my family is superior and they are trailer trash, and that I think they are stupid. Now these family events are really uncomfortable. Her parents are great and supportive, but her uncles and sister are super sensitive to my every action and read into my every action. Really hard to explain, but the closest ones to her are the type that buy into every conspiracy theory, and love to make up their own. So you can imagine the rumors going on about me. I’m now labeled as a racist, arrogant, condescending, manipulative, over bearing, insecure, so on and so forth.

I’d somehow like to avoid the family wrath because it really would make patching things between my wife and I difficult. They are close and unfortunately my W has a tendancy to listen to their advice and theories about our problems. Since they don’t like me anymore, her support is jaded against me.

As part of our reconciliation, she has asked me to stop being condescending and making them feel stupid. Considering that they make my every action as a slight against them, I can’t figure out how. Example; last week they had a family get together (which was to celebrate my bday, and her sister’s kids bdays). Her uncle caught her alcoholic sister hiding a bottle in the bathroom and getting loaded. So my W, her two uncles, mom and dad basically started berating her about her problem; an impromptu intervention. I walked off with the sister’s husband to watch after the kids and keep them entertained. Because I did that, they found it rude of me to “disappear” at my own party. I further made the mistake of telling my W (which she shared) that it’s pretty dumb knowing the sister is an alcoholic and spending all their time around her doing shots, drinking and getting drunk; it’s sort of cruel. So I’m a bad guy who thinks he’s smarter than them, and I walked off because I’m no longer committed to supporting my W and family because I'm arrogant and think I'm better than they are...wtf?

Suggestions?

[themrs]

I think you are in a no-win situation here. I think THEY think you are better than them and your wife telling them that just made them insecure. As long as you are being yourself, there's not going to be much you can do. Just give it time.

I had a similar problem with my in-laws. They assume I thought I was better than them and they treated me like I was stuck up. I was just being myself. I've since learned to relax a little when I'm around them. I'm still myself, but a much more relaxed version so I don't make them uncomfortable.

[Racer]

Thanks themrs,
I think it's a no-win. I've already seen them ostracise my brother in-law to the point where he's barely tolerated. His wife (my W's sister) is the alcoholic. I've actually heard them theorise that it's really him to blame for her problem. I look at their situation and feel for the guy. For 8 years now he's had to put up with first her drug problem, then alcoholism. She's disappeared for days. The fact that he's still with her says a lot to me (I would of bailed long ago). But the family is placing a lot a blame on him, even accussing him of only staying with her because it's convenient (she's a stay at home mom)...

At least the W's parents are showing real concern. Her mom confided in me that she's wondering where she screwed up as a parent. First her eldest daughter goes crazy and destroys her life with drugs and alcohol, now her youngest daughter is systematically wrecking her marriage to me. Her mom and dad have tried to comfort me re-assuring me that she's making a huge mistake. But they are clear that she is their daughter and no matter what happens, they'll be there for her. I have noticed though that my W no longer ask them for advice, and mainly relies on her uncle at this point (he's one of them that likes to guess and theorize about motives). He also doesn't care for me at the moment because my W told him I think he's stupid and that because he's gay, he knows nothing about relationships.... ugh...

[themrs]

Racer, what your wife is doing is unacceptable. If she wants to communicate about your marriage she should talk to you, or go to a therapist, or at the very least an message board like this one where no one knows her. She should not be spilling all the intimate details of your marriage with her family and friends. It's not fair to you and it makes it harder to rebuild.

I think you should talk to her about keeping her mouth shut. My husband and I have a rule that we do not talk negatively about each other to family and friends. If we do, we have to say 5 more positive things about each other to even it out. Does she really want her family to view you in a negative way?