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The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

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Old 11-18-2009, 12:13 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: tough issues with husbands kids

What part of no contact is unclear? Do not answer their calls. Screen your calls - get Caller ID if you don't have it. Do not answer the door if they appear on the doorstep. Change the locks if they have keys. Do not have them over for Thanksgiving if it's going to be that stressful.

You keep saying "we" - is your husband 100% with you on this, or is it that YOU are not able to deal with them? They are his kids - he probably loves them even with all their bad behavior.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them. Do not let them do this, and cutting off contact is one way to try.

Hope your venting is helping you.
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:18 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Well, there you go. You gave into her. This time - don't. Change your email and phone numbers if you have to and want to make this break so bad. Call the police if they show up at your house and won't leave, change the locks if they have keys. The bottom line is, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself. You can remove yourself from the situation and remain firm with them to go away without giving in to continued disagreements with them. I strongly suggest counseling though, with just you and your husband or just yourself, even if they are out of the picture, there is obviously a lot of deep seated feelings that could use some relief.
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I think I have lost my mind because I'm thinking to contact her, meet her in a private place and threaten her if she makes further contact. My husband and I are just under too much stress...........
he is even more senstive to drama than I am.

so maybe this needs? to be between me and the daughter?
what do you think?

thankfully I do not know her cell phone number because today I think I'm at my last straw.

we have already had to call the police on her mother 3x...
because she ( the daughter) is young, we did not ever call the police on her and I really don't want to resort to that.

ugh..........
Maybe thats what we need, me and his daughter, good old fashioned fist fight ?
of course she will kick my a&& but at least I'll get in a few good licks
and she will actually have reason to fear coming obver or WORSE, coming over with drama ( the only thing she knows and is about)

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 12:35 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:41 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I strongly suggest counseling though, with just you and your husband or just yourself, even if they are out of the picture, there is obviously a lot of deep seated feelings that could use some relief.

The time and chance for that is no longer an option...

but his daughter has started counseling, due to her issues with her BF's. not us.........
as she can't get along with anyone... and blames her father because she says she is a victim of years of his abuse and blames all her issues on him.

My husband is not abusive, he is a good man, period and never abused his daughter or his ex.
There is no truth to her beleifs, they are delusions placed in her head by her mother, as a way for her mother to keep hurting my husband, through his kids.

I don't even care to deal with his daughters issues, they are RIDICULOUSLY based in fantasy land.
We saw some of the counseleros topics with her
quite by accident and his daughter is even lying to the counselor !
I do not care to even try since she is a lair.. even in her pwn personal therapy !!!!! hahahahhahahahaahhahahahaha !
The time for all that passed... as she was given that opportunity at one time and refused... so now she goes through her mothers place of employement for counseling for her boyfrirend issues, which she blames on her father.

Its all just so freaking stupid. I think I would rather just ***** slap her as at least one of us will feel better. me for once.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 12:56 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:47 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Leahdorus View Post

Hope your venting is helping you.
yes it is... thanks for not banning me for once
because my situation is not typical and I have strong feelinsg of dislike for my stepkids.
Maybe if you were in my shoes, you would be even less able to cope with his kids.

I am starting to see
its me who has to go one on one with her...
despite the fact she has no control overself or emotions, easily angered
and so immature... Its me who has to tell her
as she has never even once heard me tell her what I think
and what I can do ( to make her life living hell if she and her borther, mother keep up)

she will be shocked. She has NO IDEA of the strong, sdmart capable woman I am.. haha
in other words I am not at all like her mother !!!
and it may end this all.... I'm trying to find a way to contact her now, but
unable.
Not going to tell my husband.... but it looks like its going to have to be just me and her.
His son is lazy and slow, single minded, only on his material possessions and it would not be the way to deal with him but I am thinking it is with his daughter as she is not slow or pretends to be... she is just silly and acts like a 12 year old.

excuse typos, they are xanax induced.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:20 PM   #21 (permalink)
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What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?

Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.

You need help, ma'am. Please find a professional, or talk to somebody at church.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:01 PM   #22 (permalink)
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What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?

Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.
I have been thinking about what to say to her and it will start like this.

U know your father has been nothing but good to you. All your abuse issues are fantasies.. and your not fooling us.
and you should know we are not going to be able to carry on as is...
as you have had every opportunity to grow up and stop blaming US for your issues, Grow up and get a job... move on with your life. There will be no further notices and I beg you to leave us alone... you are nothing but problems to us as your expectations are so out of touch with reality, you should seek mental health help and stick with it ONLY START BEING TRUTHFUL for once in your life because your issues go far deeper than you realize.

I will do my best to hold back any other thoughts
to mock and be critical of her... unless she asks for them...
then she is going to get a dose of reality that will no doubt make her cry as she does not know me
or realize what she has done
or how it will effect her future......... as I am someone who could have blessed her life in untold and incredible ways...
ways which she has proved she does not desrve but more imprtantly, is too immature to have and does not deserve.

I am really going to try to be brief and to the point and beg her to disappear, grow up and at least go to work full time... as well as stop lying to the therapist so she can actually benefit from the therapy she goes to.
Then I will pretend it never happened, never tell my husband.. and if she keeps making demands...
all I can say is she was warned !!!!
I will start calling pilice on her and do everything in my power to know....

she is not going to win this war.
matter of fact, she may not even begin to concieve the trouble I can make for her... and she may end up
in jail.

When ... I should say if... she ever grows up...
she is going to be crying how she treated me... its like she kicked an angel in the ass.
Don't mean to be so graphic, but thats about what she has done.
excuse my xanax typos.
yes I am an angel
someone who could have done inctredible things for her on so many levels... but as things are, no matter how hard we tried, we could not even find the door open for her, as her door has so many STUPID demands, it isn't even a door .. more like a quicjksanbd trap...

She, her mother and brother can't even begin to realize how sorry they are going to be...

people like me are fewer than one in a billion
( not stuck up, just being real)... they are going to be singing the blues....
too bad for them. They have just proven they do not deserve anything from us anymore.
and we are also sick of trying.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:20 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I am 46 but you still may not like my opinion

I understand your need to vent and I'm glad it's helping you. You seem over the top frustrated at this point and I'm wondering if you are feeling personally threatened as of late.

In other words if these were someone else's kids and you heard about them you might have the same opinion about them, but not feel so compelled to take action? Is it to the point now where they have become a threat to your marriage? Your financial stability? Something else?

His daughter: She is an adult so there is no legal obligation to do anything unless she is a full-time student and your husband's divorce agreement includes payment for college, etc. until she finishes.

Arranging a meeting behind your husband's back sounds like a bad plan all around, especially with your current anger towards her. This will likely force future obligations to see her if things get physical and police are involved.

His son: Since your husband is fulfilling his child support obligations and his son is reluctant to see him when he doesn't get his way, your husband is doing what he should be at this point.

My kids are teens and would rather spend all weekends with me (where they have their own room and friends, etc.) but I don't back down on visitation as I feel it's important they are part of both of their parents' lives. The only exceptions are agreed upon by my ex and I and involve 'special' days, school dances, homecoming, etc. where we may switch weekends around.

It's unfortunate your husband's ex fails to see the harm she causes by encouraging them to be upset with their dad.

I think the disturbing factor here is that you alluded to the possibility that his son may be delayed. I am sure it is hard enough for him having 'friends' call him dumbass...he could probably really use a good mentor, father figure to guide him and encourage him to pursue something that will suit him in the future. He probably gets looked down on enough already so 'I guess you could be a garbage man' probably won't help him any to hear.

It is very unfortunate your husband's ex tries to hurt your husband with the negative talk...in the end, it will (and has) hurt the kids more than anyone else...my ex did this with my eldest...trust me, I get how frustrating it can be.

his ex: If you talk to anyone at all, I would think it should be her. If I were accused of having an affair with a married man and it were completely false I would be inclined to send her an email letting her know that you will not put up with her libel/slander and that it is unfortunate she would resort to this as in addition to being completely false is hurting her own children and their relationship with their father in the process.
What a ding-dong she is...

Your husband: When you said it is affecting him a lot more than you, my first thought was "I'm sure it is"....these are his children and although you may not like their behavior, it is hard not to feel responsibility, guilt, hurt, frustration when their choices, behavior are not what you planned when you held those babies in your arms....

my parents did the tough love thing with my brother when he was 19 and in his own fantasy world...they totally cut him off...he had to quit university (he was close to failing out anyway and told my parents he was transferring to a University in Florida...on their dime of course...lol) He did go, but got a full time job digging ditches for gas/water lines....in the Florida heat...until he could apply as an in-state student....got loans and graduated with straight A's...accepted to a prestigious medical school and a very successful surgeon with a private practice now....tough love, but never give up on your kids....

My son also wanted to tell me how to spend my hard earned income on him and not follow the rules of our home...his dad took him in immediately and within a few months kicked him out for the same reasons....now he works full-time in a warehouse and has his own apartment....I do pay 1/2 his rent but said it's for 1 year only to get him on his feet...he is now looking into full-time university in the fall, student loans and asked me to review an admissions letter he drafted....I will support him/help him but only if he takes the initiative to help himself...he needed to learn by doing...that he wants more than a 'job'...he wants a career that he loves...

I don't know where your husband is at with all of this, but just because they are being immature brats doesn't mean he's no longer their father....I do agree that he should not give in to their ridiculous demands...but instead of totally shutting them out, I think he could just be very consistent with his guidance. There are many things young adults need that are free....how to set up a budget...ie....if you get a full-time job here at $12 an hour...car/rent/utilities/etc....here's what you could afford...advice on credit cards....get them if you can to establish credit...only use them for $20 a month or so to be sure you can pay them off each month so you will establish good credit.

To cut them off will only make them worse and feel abandoned (which they should feel if their own parent won't speak to them)...I know it will make you feel better but the long term affects on your husband and his kids will likely rear its ugly head at some point.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:38 PM   #24 (permalink)
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sweedish

They are not capable or willing to do what we ask.
I read your posts and you have many good ideas and in an ideal world, they would make sense.

talk to his ex? sorry not possible.
thanks for not banning me again becvause I have such strong feelings so many do not agree with.

For husbands kids to come over they have to do.... lets just say "things" ( sOme things about along the lines of taking off their shoes before coming in the house, those kind of things)and they get bad attitudes about it...
but they do not realize... the world does not reveolve around them. They have been given every opportunity and have so much, we cannot help they have abused it and done ntohing but become the monster brats they are.
If I am unable to see his daughter before thanksgiving, alone....
on Thanksgiving she will not be given the option to enter our home
if she does not DO WHAT WE SAY and tell her to do.
No more games or BS... it's our way or get lost.


I am so upset today, you just can't imagine.
They are old enough to start growing up and my one goal in life is to be able to retire with my husband. I have to do everything in my power to make that happen.
Their cell phones and other nonsense do not make a bit of difference and I don't even want ot have to listen to their long list of demands and expectations.
They make me sick. Literally ! I ahve prayed for this situation for many years.. hoping it would get better... I have tolerated his kids abuse of me, when I have done nothing to deserve it... I have done more than most people would have...
now I pray for me not to beat the living hell out of them.
I have had it ( so has my husband).

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:53 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: tough issues with husbands kids

Just for the record, I do most of the banning around here so don't blame the mods. I am "under 45," and very swift and decisive, so stay on good behavior Preso!

Hope this works out for you.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:54 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Sweedish..About his son being delayed... he "is" lazy, barely passes each grade and already failed once. He has no reason to try, as his mother has rewarded his laziness with EXPENSIVE material goods, as long as he has agreeed to screw with me and his father.
He is a victim of Pas ( parental alienation syndrome) and there is nothing we can do about it as we have tried, he is too pewrsuded and influenced by the material aspects and on his mothers side now...
he is in fact worse than I'm even saying... he is not only slow but lazy. Not to be harsh just tellingh it like it is.

I never even heards of a custodial mother buying a new car for a kid who is failing school...
but she did...
and it even goes deeper than that.
He is in fact worse than I can even write here.... and so are they all.
The inlaws are just blown away... nobody can reach his kids, nobody.
Not to be rude but we no longer care about their feelings as they do not care about ours.
This has been a long ( years) standing problem, we give and give and they give nothing back.
Their time has run out.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 03:09 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 03:14 PM   #27 (permalink)
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What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?

Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.

You need help, ma'am. Please find a professional, or talk to somebody at church.

I did seek help... my doc gave me xanax.
Going to therapy over them ... is just not worth it...
nothing we can do because they are as they are.

We have no choices that are good... and no longer care about their feelings as this has been going on long time. We are tired.

I have no mental health problems, trust me.. I've been checked !!!
and was even told to boot them out on their asses, not worry about their feelings... I was told to be rough and tough on them
haha...
most people could not have stood them after one week, yet we tried for years to help and make this right !
maybe something we should have done sooner....
body slams and things like that. Maybe we are too nice
tried too hard and had hope where we shouldn't have.


I just talked to the doctor again, who gave me the xanax...
who said I should take more... they are calling in more for me.
and
I am planning to see his daughter tonight... if I possibly can. Already drove by the house to see if she was there, which she wasn't.

I am going to do this different thhis time and let her think she has won me over to her stupidity...
meet under fasle pretenses and give it to her... she needs to move on and get out of our lives.

As afr as his son, that is for another day... but its not going to me much longer, his day is coming and he will get the same
straight talk. No more games kiddies... we have had quite enough will be the message.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 03:46 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:45 PM   #28 (permalink)
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I am planning to see his daughter tonight...
Why? Much better posters than I have specifically said "No Contact". That's very clear.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:31 PM   #29 (permalink)
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well I met her, discussed things with her
and she is more clueless than I anticipated. Her world does not involkve any sort of reality or maturity.
It's all about her.

It is truely unbelievable. i almost kinda feel sorry for her but told her she has no idea of what she has done.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:06 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Preso,
I fit the bill in 3 ways:
- 46 years old
- have a daughter who is 19 and very very difficult and demanding and
- we have resolved this fairly well

Our daughter asked for many of the same things.

Why is it that you and he simply don't immediately end any conversation with them when they ask for money/stuff?

Why don't you tell them they are not welcome at the house until they accept that it is not longer allowed to come over and ask for stuff. If they violate that rule firmly ask them to leave and tell them you will call the police and have them forcibly removed otherwise.

Why do you mention violence so often? If your husband hits either of them they might take a LOT of money from you in a civil suit. Violence is great for the person with zero assets and a HUGE risk for the person with assets and a good income.







Quote:
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I have recently had to put my husband on some personal financial matters so his name is on my bank accounts, his ex... wants more child support now... The kids will be needing new cars again.
You see they have wrecked and messed up theirs.

ugh......... how long do we have to keep suffering with his kids and ex?
I just am so tired of it.
My husband is working so much.... and he already pays an incredible amount of child support, she makes about 80-100K a year, her house is paid for... her BF has moved in and pays all the bills, yet its never enough and never ends.
and she encourages her kids to act as badly as they can, giving him demands as to their "happiness".
They have more than most people ever will if they lived 4 lifetimes... but its never enough.

There is just no way to stop thuis, we tried everything inclusding being reasonable, fair, patient for a longggggg time.
Just doesn't end, no matter what and seems to be getting worse.


Last month:
His daughter informed us that her mother told her, that he
( my husband) met me and was dating me WHILE HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO HER !!!
and he is a cheater... and yet another example of how he treated her so badly and deserves to be punished...

all this crazy stuff she believes and is not true and no matter what we say, she is fixed on her delusions, which seem to make her demands go up.

Paying for an apartment for her, the foirst month, thats funny.. as she lives with her mom in a large house, rent and bill free...
and had a fit she was now asked to pay for her car insurance.
More so now since of all the "mishaps" they have had and on their mothers insurance has gone to 3K a month.
Still,,, she blames not them, but the fact they're cars are a few years old now for the problem...
and demands my husband help them, he won't... and this now makes him a target for all their anger.

so we have to get rid of these people from us.... but how. Hope it doesn't end up in a violent thing but we have tried everything including reasoning with them.
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