I dunno....this whole thing seems too weird for me. Where in the world is the adult here??? Where is the love? Where is someone showing the way without the ego "ME" being involved?? I'm sorry, I just don't get how opening up a can of empathy to someone who is lost can't help but bring down the walls between you....
We, all 3 are adults and we have waited a very long time for some sign or love from her, we bent over backwords and this has gone on for years.
Due to circumstances and the fact she has only gotten much worse giving her all this time, patience, did everything in our power, we see it is not good for her development to be kind, patient and thoughtful.
Its may just be her personality ? as she has some undiagnosed emotional problems that are far, far beyong anyones ability to help, except maybe a psychitrist, all things she must seek on her own.
As she seems to me to be psychotic ( meaning, out of touch with reality)
I do not think she is capable to anything that has no "ME"
( meaning her ) involved... and we realize through many years she will take advantage if there is any possible way for her to do so, without it even bothering her one bit as her lies, blaming.. the way she processes and responds to information
is scewed, always to her being a victim and innocent off all wrong doing.
She will just have to seek help on her own, when she hits rock bottom ....I guess that'll be
when her world and all her personal relationships, jobs, etc... fail and she SEEKS to help herself. It could be that won't even happen in the next 10 years, maybe not even 20 years ! Maybe not ever.
She just will not be fair and it always turns out she will take any situation at all and try to use it or abuse it for personal reasons as some type of personal assistance to her and to help her mother get any and all revenege on my husband, for reasons they believe they are justified in, all based on non truths and unrealisitc demands they have placed upon him)
For instance, when she has come over, she snoops...
( 2 years ago I had to put locks on all the cabinet doors)
but she still seems to find ways to find stuff thats none of her business...
she still finds and sees things that she think will help her mother do things ( raise child suport, justified reason to punish her ex, etc)
because her mother has told the kids, she was wronged by her exhusband and he has wronged them too...
and she tells her other what she thinks she sees.... gets her mother riled up and her mother comes over beating on the door ( usually after several drinks) making demands on things she thinks are happening
( according to the conclusions she has made on the info she has- usally nothing to do with reality)
sometimes she has even asked us to tell her WHY we ______________ ( etc etc, fill in the blank, but it is any number of assumtions she has made based on what her daughter has seen or thought she ssaw or experinced or thinks is happening) like would be any of her business, as a way to try to scare, and intimdate us into telling her about our personal life, like she is OUR MOTHER ! hahahah
We have to call the police on her mother... few times...
then when we ask his daughter why she went telling stores, his daughter says she had no part of it... that her mother got the idea herself and she did not influence her or tell her anything and that she can't control her mothers actions, even saying maybe she fogot to hang up her cell phone and her mother evesdropped ( by accident) overheard something.......... as she never said or did anything to make trouble, tell her mother anything and she did not say or lie about anything, she swearrrrrrrrrrrrs she is telling the truth.
Then she cries and says she is being picked on and treated unfairly by my husband and I.
That is just one example, and there are hundreds more.
Another more recent issue was she saw some bills and insurance claims/ forms ( mostly not even filled out) she thought were our bank account, daughter just likes to make trouble I think.
Now we are being taken back to court as his ex wants to know why he can't pay more child support ( he already pays quite a bit, and pays just has he was ordered to by the court, in full and on time, never even been late) so, more bull... wasting our time
again... with nonsense
and we will have to go to court.
We have some problems with this ONLY IN THE FACT we want CERTAIN aspect of our lives PRIVATE from his ex
and because of having to go back to court, they may come out and I do not want his ex to be privledged to my personal information
because its none of her business. Not to mention the stress it causes us
as well as waste time we really dont have to waste on such nonsense.
I told his daughter that she is maybe too immature/ selfish / ability to process info is wayyyyyy off
and she said
" I dont care what YOUR problems are but whats MY FATHERS is OURS, NOT YOURS, I don't care what your problems are, if my father has something he should share with us, we are his kids. We come first"
I told her that there is much she does not understand and also that she is not a kid anymore but an adult.
Nothing goes through to her... nothing.... and she is just all about herself and what she can get or take advantgae of.
so....... its proved to be impossible to deal with
and those are only 2 situations out of 5 years of dealing with her.
My husband actually does not have much time to spend with her anyway, and he cannot really afford to take her to the places she wants to go, does not enjoy what she does and she gets mad at him and acts badly ( crying, getting hyterical, etc. and head games, evil stares... she told me in private she was someone with a very IQ and not to even think of playing games wirh her.... and I am someone who doesn't even play head games !! with anyone !!!) if she can't be taken to where she wants to go and do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it....
not to mention she also wants my husband to not only entertain her in the way she likes, but wants him to also alloow her friends to come along and he pay for them all....
so............ he won't get to see her much. When he does it will be when he has time, and he will choose the place and time...
and no treating her, much less her friends.... Not to mention can't deal with the stress of her anymore.
This is the bed she made, she is an adult and guess she has to not only lie in it... but learn lifes lessons the hard way.
too bad for her. But she has taken her path.
and we have taken ours.
Biggfish all I can tell you is we had cases ( not a can but cases of cans) of empathy and it only made her worse. They are all gone now.
Love does NOT conquer all, sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away.
I even tried to tell her the facts, to explain things to her as they really are........then instead of wanting to discuss the facts, and put things straight and open....... she changed the subject each time she didn't like what she was hearing, she even accused ME OF BEING A LAIR !!!!!
and then even started a line of question of me ... trying to question me as to when I met her father, telling me she "KNOWS" he was seeing me while he was still married to her mother ! ( not true)
and it proved not only impossible but made me come home and cry in sheer frustration.
We give up. I am saddened by this and angry too...
so much lost sleep and unpleasentness. Such a waste of my time and so much stress to our marriage and private lives.
It makes me sick to think about.