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The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

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Old 11-18-2009, 08:56 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: tough issues with husbands kids

ok well.. big serious talks today and we have come to a resolve, although I'm not happy with it, everyone else is, mostly... husband is not 100% happy either about it ( as I have conditions and boundries
with the plan we have decided to take)
He will not see them in our home anymore. I ask he does not talk about them either and keep his issues with them to himself as I no longer can deal with them.
Thanks for all your help, for those that did...

I am very releieved and did some things I should have done a long time ago and get in touch with his daughter and talk to her myself, which he is not happy about,,,,, but I did
and now I understand
EVERYTHING much better.

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 09:01 PM.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:00 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: tough issues with husbands kids

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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Why don't you tell them they are not welcome at the house until they accept that it is not longer allowed to come over and ask for stuff. If they violate that rule firmly ask them to leave and tell them you will call the police and have them forcibly removed otherwise.

Why do you mention violence so often? If your husband hits either of them they might take a LOT of money from you in a civil suit. Violence is great for the person with zero assets and a HUGE risk for the person with assets and a good income.
mem, to answer your questions...

We did tell them about coming over and not to unless they can be respectful.... so they did not come over... until he dropped his daughters health insurance. Then in 2 weeks she wanted to be respectful... and we have had her come over a few times since. It is a very uncomfortable thing for me ( can't speak for my husband) because I know her intentions are not out of good or even wanting to see her father.

Violence... I just feel it coming, thats all.
We resolved this now
They will not be coming over the house, he will see them outside our home and I am asking him not to bring their lives
into the house, for my sake.
I can only hope that is going to work.

I do not want to see or hear about them again, under no circumstances, period.
He says he really has little time because of all the hours he works but he will ( upsettingly) not bring them or their issues into the home.
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Old 11-18-2009, 11:22 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: tough issues with husbands kids

My husband was quite pleased I talked to her the things I told her had to come from a woman. He said he is amamzed I did this and why, how good it was to do.... after telling him what we talked about.
He said he wishes I told him and was there but it was all for the best he wasn't.. as she was trapped with me alone...
and unable to manipulate me or the conversation.
She
is not used to that... or someone as down to earth and real as I am.
I am nothing like her mother... and someone she has never known.
It was quite shocking to her I'm sure but someone had to do it in a way she could not manipulate or control.

I feel much better. so does husband... as for her, I'mn thinking she is quite unhappy and maybe somewhat in shock.
*too bad *
time she starts growing up.

Her eye rolling , constant attempts to change the subject, her lies.... all not tolerated. She got so mad I'm sure but never raised her voice and neither did I.
It ended with her telling me she was a grown up, could be trusted and not a liar... which is when I tried one her eye rolls out...
on her.
lol

Last edited by preso; 11-18-2009 at 11:27 PM.
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Old 11-19-2009, 01:09 AM   #34 (permalink)
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I dunno....this whole thing seems too weird for me. Where in the world is the adult here??? Where is the love? Where is someone showing the way without the ego "ME" being involved?? I'm sorry, I just don't get how opening up a can of empathy to someone who is lost can't help but bring down the walls between you....
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Old 11-20-2009, 07:08 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I dunno....this whole thing seems too weird for me. Where in the world is the adult here??? Where is the love? Where is someone showing the way without the ego "ME" being involved?? I'm sorry, I just don't get how opening up a can of empathy to someone who is lost can't help but bring down the walls between you....


We, all 3 are adults and we have waited a very long time for some sign or love from her, we bent over backwords and this has gone on for years.
Due to circumstances and the fact she has only gotten much worse giving her all this time, patience, did everything in our power, we see it is not good for her development to be kind, patient and thoughtful.
Its may just be her personality ? as she has some undiagnosed emotional problems that are far, far beyong anyones ability to help, except maybe a psychitrist, all things she must seek on her own.
As she seems to me to be psychotic ( meaning, out of touch with reality)
I do not think she is capable to anything that has no "ME"
( meaning her ) involved... and we realize through many years she will take advantage if there is any possible way for her to do so, without it even bothering her one bit as her lies, blaming.. the way she processes and responds to information
is scewed, always to her being a victim and innocent off all wrong doing.
She will just have to seek help on her own, when she hits rock bottom ....I guess that'll be
when her world and all her personal relationships, jobs, etc... fail and she SEEKS to help herself. It could be that won't even happen in the next 10 years, maybe not even 20 years ! Maybe not ever.

She just will not be fair and it always turns out she will take any situation at all and try to use it or abuse it for personal reasons as some type of personal assistance to her and to help her mother get any and all revenege on my husband, for reasons they believe they are justified in, all based on non truths and unrealisitc demands they have placed upon him)

For instance, when she has come over, she snoops...
( 2 years ago I had to put locks on all the cabinet doors)

but she still seems to find ways to find stuff thats none of her business...
she still finds and sees things that she think will help her mother do things ( raise child suport, justified reason to punish her ex, etc)
because her mother has told the kids, she was wronged by her exhusband and he has wronged them too...
and she tells her other what she thinks she sees.... gets her mother riled up and her mother comes over beating on the door ( usually after several drinks) making demands on things she thinks are happening
( according to the conclusions she has made on the info she has- usally nothing to do with reality)
sometimes she has even asked us to tell her WHY we ______________ ( etc etc, fill in the blank, but it is any number of assumtions she has made based on what her daughter has seen or thought she ssaw or experinced or thinks is happening) like would be any of her business, as a way to try to scare, and intimdate us into telling her about our personal life, like she is OUR MOTHER ! hahahah

We have to call the police on her mother... few times...
then when we ask his daughter why she went telling stores, his daughter says she had no part of it... that her mother got the idea herself and she did not influence her or tell her anything and that she can't control her mothers actions, even saying maybe she fogot to hang up her cell phone and her mother evesdropped ( by accident) overheard something.......... as she never said or did anything to make trouble, tell her mother anything and she did not say or lie about anything, she swearrrrrrrrrrrrs she is telling the truth.
Then she cries and says she is being picked on and treated unfairly by my husband and I.

That is just one example, and there are hundreds more.

Another more recent issue was she saw some bills and insurance claims/ forms ( mostly not even filled out) she thought were our bank account, daughter just likes to make trouble I think.
Now we are being taken back to court as his ex wants to know why he can't pay more child support ( he already pays quite a bit, and pays just has he was ordered to by the court, in full and on time, never even been late) so, more bull... wasting our time
again... with nonsense
and we will have to go to court.
We have some problems with this ONLY IN THE FACT we want CERTAIN aspect of our lives PRIVATE from his ex
and because of having to go back to court, they may come out and I do not want his ex to be privledged to my personal information
because its none of her business. Not to mention the stress it causes us
as well as waste time we really dont have to waste on such nonsense.

I told his daughter that she is maybe too immature/ selfish / ability to process info is wayyyyyy off
and she said
" I dont care what YOUR problems are but whats MY FATHERS is OURS, NOT YOURS, I don't care what your problems are, if my father has something he should share with us, we are his kids. We come first"
I told her that there is much she does not understand and also that she is not a kid anymore but an adult.

Nothing goes through to her... nothing.... and she is just all about herself and what she can get or take advantgae of.

so....... its proved to be impossible to deal with
and those are only 2 situations out of 5 years of dealing with her.

My husband actually does not have much time to spend with her anyway, and he cannot really afford to take her to the places she wants to go, does not enjoy what she does and she gets mad at him and acts badly ( crying, getting hyterical, etc. and head games, evil stares... she told me in private she was someone with a very IQ and not to even think of playing games wirh her.... and I am someone who doesn't even play head games !! with anyone !!!) if she can't be taken to where she wants to go and do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it....
not to mention she also wants my husband to not only entertain her in the way she likes, but wants him to also alloow her friends to come along and he pay for them all....

so............ he won't get to see her much. When he does it will be when he has time, and he will choose the place and time...
and no treating her, much less her friends.... Not to mention can't deal with the stress of her anymore.
This is the bed she made, she is an adult and guess she has to not only lie in it... but learn lifes lessons the hard way.

too bad for her. But she has taken her path.
and we have taken ours.

____________________________________

Biggfish all I can tell you is we had cases ( not a can but cases of cans) of empathy and it only made her worse. They are all gone now.
Love does NOT conquer all, sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away.
I even tried to tell her the facts, to explain things to her as they really are........then instead of wanting to discuss the facts, and put things straight and open....... she changed the subject each time she didn't like what she was hearing, she even accused ME OF BEING A LAIR !!!!!
and then even started a line of question of me ... trying to question me as to when I met her father, telling me she "KNOWS" he was seeing me while he was still married to her mother ! ( not true)
and it proved not only impossible but made me come home and cry in sheer frustration.

We give up. I am saddened by this and angry too...
so much lost sleep and unpleasentness. Such a waste of my time and so much stress to our marriage and private lives.
It makes me sick to think about.

Last edited by preso; 11-20-2009 at 08:33 PM.
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