The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
For anyone who is complaining about their stepchildren or prior stepchildren ruining their marriages (and is blaming the children), maybe you should have thought about that before you married the children's parent. The parent is expected, and should put their child first, as you would expect that parent to do if you were to have kids with them (put your child before you).
If you date someone who has children, and it doesn't work out, then don't marry that person. Dating and being engaged are the trial times when it comes to relationships, and that would be the time to gage whether or not you can handle taking on the role of a stepparent, in which you should try your best to love the child as your own. I am a proud stepparent, and love my stepdaughter more than anyone in the entire world. I would jump in front of a bus for her. I would take a bullet for her. And guess what, even if tomorrow she slapped me across the face, spit in my face, told me she hated me, and that I'm not her REAL mother, I WOULD LOVE HER JUST AS MUCH and would still do all of the above mentioned things. Why? Because when I married her father I chose to love her as my own.
CHILDREN are children. If they have issues with you as a stepparent, that is to be expected, because it is reality that you are not their "real" parent. However, it takes a real stepparent to step up and try their best to work through these issues. IE: FAMILY COUNSELING. Try and bond with the child. If the child/children are older, and there doesn't seem to be ANYTHING you can do, then maybe you just have to accept that. Hell, I have cousins that I don't get along with, does that mean I can't have relationships with their parents or siblings? No, it just means that I have to either work on that relationship with that cousin, or that I have to accept it, love them anyway, but never really expect us to be best friends, because it just isn't in the cards. You can still respect the children that don't respect you. You can still love the children that don't seem to really love you. You are the one who is the adult, and need to act accordingly.
If the children are teenagers, they could just be being bratty teenagers! How do you know they don't sit at their "real" parents house with the door locked and only come out to eat? THAT'S WHAT TEENAGERS DO! That's what I did, and my parents are still married to this day. And yes, everyone has the right to love, and expect time with their spouse, but that is something that you work out with your SPOUSE, not let the children dictate how your lives run. Boundaries need to be set, and that is the parents/stepparents responsibilities. If those needs aren't met, don't hate the children, take a good look at your spouse. Maybe he/she should be defending you if the children are bratty, and should step up and see that you get the time and love that you are so desiring and deserving, and if not - then I would considering taking a good look at your marriage.
For all you posters out there complaining that they didnt sign up for this...well I call bullsh#t. You are a frickin adult, act like it! You made a commitment to another person knowing that they had kids. If you are not mature enough to weight out all the possibilities that could go along with that,then you have no right making the choice.
This to me is an extremely selfish attitude.You just dont go into a relationship thinking like this.
Kids are kids, no matter how old they are, until they are adults they dont have the emotional maturity to deal with the things you are expecting them to deal with, think of what kind of an example you are setting for them with this behavior.
As an adult, it is your choice to take on the responsibility of raising a child, you dont get to pick and choose which parts you want to do or dont do. It is an equal responsibility between the partner you married and you. What if the child came from an abusive relationship and it was in the best interest of the child to take them away from the other parent for their own safety, what if the other parent has died and is no longer around. What about what the child has been through already, maybe they can feel this dislike coming from the stepparent and they are hurt by this because it is not their fault that this adult cant be an adult and not project their immature feelings on them.
Kids act out and rebel against behaviors such as this, ever stop and think that sometimes the behavior is a result of the fact that deep down the child knows that the step-parent cant stand them?
Sometimes it seems that the kids have more maturity than some of the people that are doing all this complaining. I am not saying that you are not allowed to have these feelings, you are, but be adult enough to deal with them in a mature manner. You made your choice, you do not have the right to just change your mind at the drop of a hat!
Lets not forget about the kids and their feelings in all of this, did not see one poster mention anything about them.
For all you posters out there complaining that they didnt sign up for this...well I call bullsh#t.
You can call whatever you like but until you have a disrespectful, self absorbed, unemployed, adult step kid sitting on your couch playing video games 12 hours a day trashing your house and treating your wife like a maid you really haven`t a clue what you`re talking about.
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You are a frickin adult, act like it!
I do and I expect other "adults" to act like it as well or face some "adult" consequences.
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Kids are kids, no matter how old they are, until they are adults ...
Yes, exactly.
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As an adult, it is your choice to take on the responsibility of raising a child, you dont get to pick and choose which parts you want to do or dont do.
Actually...you do get to choose what you will or won`t do.
It`s called free will or at least the illusion of free will.
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It is an equal responsibility between the partner you married and you.
Actually it`s rarely ever an "equal" partnership and the reason is usually the bio parent.
I have a feeling you`ve never been a step-parent wits end if you have been you`ve been extremely lucky.
I have been a step-parent , and I do know how it feels. I agree, it is not easy. But I do not agree, that the child should have to suffer because the adults cannot work out the problems. And most of the time, the disfunction of the child is due to the disfunction of the adults.
I can agree in situations where the kids are shared between ex's it is very difficult to control what the other parent does or how they deal with the child. But in the case of the child always being with the NEW family and not being influenced by the ex. It is the adults duty to discuss and work things out.
Not always easy I know, but the kids pick up on a lot more than we tend to give them credit for.
For instance, the child could build resentment for the stepparent because of fights or disagreements they have witnessed. They will then side with the natural parent and rebel against the stepparent for hurting their M or F. This will lead to many more problems down the road. What the stepparent needs to do is deal with the situations in an adult manner with the child AND the S.O.,and not just throw in the towel because they changed their minds and dont feel like dealing anymore. IMHO this is a childish response to the situation and not something that would be expected from an adult.
My point being.....they made a commitment...stand by it.
My point being.....they made a commitment...stand by it.
It`s not always that cut and dry.
It`s very common that the bio parent is the one undermining that commitment, which is the situation in many of the step-parents complaints in this thread.
At that point there is nothing much the step parent can do but disengage if they wish to keep their marriage and stand by THAT commitment.
This I can understand, but it is not always easy for the bio parent either, if the step parent has different views on how the child should be raised or disciplined.
My current situation speaks to this,as my wife is very domineering and wants things done her way. We have different views on discipline and education and several other issues. But, I am the one getting the flak because I do not raise my child the way SHE thinks I should. Then it turns into an all or nothing situation where it's her way or she backs out completely instead of coming to an agreement and some common ground.This is why these responses stuck a nerve with me.
Please see my other posting about this situation
Sometimes the problem can be with the way a stepparent sees the child as well and the FEELINGS that they have of this child is not mine.
The situation may not actually be as bad as it is made out to be.
This hits close to home for me, and makes me sad. This post, combined with the many others I can see in this section of TAM break my heart. When I met my 2nd husband, I had a 6 year old daughter. She came first, my husband came second. She did not get to choose the man who would move into her home, and to make things more complicated, my 2nd husband and my daughter had a fantastic relationship for about 5 years...so much so that she actually contemplated taking his last name in the future. And now, because my husband has admitted that he's actually JEALOUS of my teenage daughter because of issues that came up 5 years ago with his son from his first marriage (see my post and try to understand how this kind of simmering hatred of your partner's child affects everyone), he has been treating my daughter like crap for years. Yes, he has admitted this on several occasions. He thinks he's doing "good" now because he doesn't go after her in anger anymore...no...he comes to me and acts like the things my teenager does (typical teenage stuff like forgetting a chore, staying up late, hanging out in her room a lot, etc.) are punishable offenses while we are supposed to minimize the abuse his son committed on our young daughter. We're supposed to feel bad for his son because he was subjected to abuse as a young child.
My opinion is that the adults are supposed to act like adults, not expect children to solve the issues they are having. I can admit that after years of my husband acting like my daughter from my first marriage was the devil's spawn when what she was doing was acting in age appropriate ways (and I've been a teacher for 18 years, the last 5 of teenagers...I think I have some idea of what is normal teenage behavior), while in the meantime his from his first marriage son is placed in a behavior program because of anger problems, and then goes onto sexually abuse our then 6 year old daughter and we are supposed to CELEBRATE his being placed in one regular class after years of being in his behavior class. After years of this double standard, I began having thoughts of treating his son when he was in our home the way my husband had treated my daughter over the past few years to attempt to get my husband to understand what he was doing...and this HORRIFIED me so much that I immediately placed myself in counseling to work through the resentments that would lead me to even contemplate something like that. Thank goodness I did...I would hate to think that I would sink that low.
How you treat children in their growing up years is VERY important to their future. Hatred of children, who didn't ask to be brought into a marriage like this is appalling and makes me very sad for that child and for the natural parent who struggles with being pulled in both directions all the time.
This hits close to home for me, and makes me sad. This post, combined with the many others I can see in this section of TAM break my heart. When I met my 2nd husband, I had a 6 year old daughter. She came first, my husband came second. She did not get to choose the man who would move into her home, and to make things more complicated, my 2nd husband and my daughter had a fantastic relationship for about 5 years...so much so that she actually contemplated taking his last name in the future. And now, because my husband has admitted that he's actually JEALOUS of my teenage daughter because of issues that came up 5 years ago with his son from his first marriage (see my post and try to understand how this kind of simmering hatred of your partner's child affects everyone).
My opinion is that the adults are supposed to act like adults, not expect children to solve the issues they are having. I can admit that after years of my husband acting like my daughter from my first marriage was the devil's spawn when what she was doing was acting in age appropriate ways (and I've been a teacher for 18 years, the last 5 of teenagers...I think I have some idea of what is normal teenage behavior), while in the meantime his from his first marriage son is placed in a behavior program because of anger problems, and then goes onto sexually abuse our then 6 year old daughter and we are supposed to CELEBRATE his being placed in one regular class after years of being in his behavior class. After years of this double standard, I began having thoughts of treating his son when he was in our home the way my husband had treated my daughter over the past few years to attempt to get my husband to understand what he was doing...and this HORRIFIED me so much that I immediately placed myself in counseling to work through the resentments that would lead me to even contemplate something like that. Thank goodness I did...I would hate to think that I would sink that low.
How you treat children in their growing up years is VERY important to their future. Hatred of children, who didn't ask to be brought into a marriage like this is appalling and makes me very sad for that child and for the natural parent who struggles with being pulled in both directions all the time.
If only my wife could have been as mature and insightful as you! Posted via Mobile Device
My mother remarried several years ago. My brother and I were already out of the house and my step-dads kids were also around the same age. Anyway, long story short, my step-sister is VERY aggressive, disrespectful and rude. Not just to my mother, who has bent over backwards to accommodate her, but also to her father. They have even considered getting a restraining order against her. It has created a lot of stress on their marriage since my step sister has recently had a baby and is trying to guilt my parents into helping her take care of it because she is lazy and doesn't think she should have to work. Where is her mother? She kicked her own daughter out and spreads lies all over town about my mother being a *****. So, I am pretty sure that my mother had no idea what she was getting herself into. She is sticking with her husband but he just doesn't have the backbone to stand up to these people and my mom feels completely alienated. I have a feeling, if she knew then what she knows now, she also would have made a different choice. I don't blame her one bit.
I just registered today and it is to respond to this post.
When I married my second husband, I wanted the whole package and was willing to do as much as possible to foster a relationship with his young children (mine were grown).
I did everything I could think of, including going with my husband and his ex-wife (and her husband at the time) to counseling appointments and school meetings. When the children were with us, I cooked special meals, I went shopping with them, I encouraged them to talk to me, if they wanted.
10+ years later I can say this: THEY HATE ME.
Do I hate them? No, but I don't like them. I don't respect them. I don't want them in my life.
They and their mother have made my life a living hell.
And it makes me feel like crap.
If I could, I would write a letter to any woman considering being a step mother. I would warn her. Be prepared, I'd say... because it might be the most fulfilling experience you'll ever have - or the worst mistake you ever make.
It has nearly ruined my marriage and that's a true tragedy because my husband is a wonderful man. He never could stand up to his ex or his children, though. I didn't know that until long after I married him.
I signed up today to reply to your post. I know it was a while ago, but it really hit home for me.
I struggle every day with these same things! I too wanted the whole package at one point. But his ex undermines us constantly, and simply because my H dared to have a life after she decided he was not what she wanted. She *****es about H and I to the girls, and often tries to act more like their friend than their mother. She tells the girls out right lies, knowing that we will not argue and badmouth her in front of the girls. They should not have to join in on the bashing of their parent (or SP for that matter)! Getting them to pretend to be on your side because they are too scared to make you mad by loving Dad and his wife... ? Seriously? I think that is really unhealthy (and Sad on so many levels)... just saying.
I also did everything I could think of. Neither of us go to school meetings (the Ex would throw an absolute fit!). We don't even get a school picture (Child Support doesn't cover those). We spend quality time with the girls when they are with us; I went shopping with them, spent many afternoons baking cookies and treats, playing games and even exercising from time to time (a foriegn concept in their other household). I have also let them know I am another adult for them to talk to, if they want or need something. I am a bio Mom also, so I have experience dealing with kid issues. =)
Its been 5 years and THEY HATE ME too. The oldest, that's not so new - she offered to hate me for her Mom's sake (Matter-of-Factly reported to me by her Mom at our first meeting). The youngest though, I have tried to bond with her, and we even started to have a new friendship in the beginning. But unfortunately her Mom squashed that pretty quickly. Their Mom has made it abundantly clear (both with words and action) that disliking their Dad and me is the expectation, and anything less is a betrayal to her.
It is unfortunate, but their Mom has made this situation nearly impossible for everyone involved. She is a bitter, hateful, resentful, unhappy, (and lets not forget envious) person. She seems to feel that if the girls have a relationship with only her then she somehow wins. My biggest problem with that is that in order for her to win, ultimately the girls have to lose... JUST SUCKS!!! I want to love my SDs and be another resource when they need help, but at what cost? I feel like crap too. At point do we say enough is enough? and what do you do when you reach that point?
My husband is a wonderful man. His gentle nature is one of the reasons I fell in love with him... (seems that may be both a blessing and a curse). He never could stand up to his ex either ...and she uses that to her advantage. She is BY FAR the most manipulative person I know.
I too would warn any woman considering becoming a step mother...
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Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids 
