I have come to hate my husbands kids
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Old 11-18-2009, 11:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I have come to hate my husbands kids

I don't know how to let it go.
It has really gotten worse in the last few months. I hate them so much My hands start to tremble and I shake all over in rage
when I even think about them.

I just can not like them and have no more understanding or patience for them. They are the most immature, spoiled jerks I have ever heard about or known... far worse.

I can't seem to find a way to mentally/ emotionally deal with them anymore. I have tried and tried and tried to be fair, talk to them, guide them, and every possible way to make this right.

Its not me, its them and I just can't do it anymore. My husband either.
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Old 11-20-2009, 11:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids

I am in a similar situation. I recently married, and my husband has twins. They are the most spoiled, disrespectful children ever. I get annoyed just being in their presence. I've taken to avoiding them whenever I can, and having minimal contact with them. I really don't speak with them, unless they speak to me first. Luckly they're only with up about 50% of the time. Just try not to argue with them, and let them get under your skin... stear clear of them whenever possible.
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Old 11-20-2009, 11:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids

I have a question - if you weren't prepared to accept your husbands as the packaged deals that they were (kids, ex's and all) - why did you marry them knowing that their kids/ex's would be involved and you weren't really 100% committed to having to deal with the fall out from that. I doesn't matter if your husband is tired of their immaturity as well - he's their father and has to deal with it based on that relationship which means it will get filtered down to you in some way - You put yourself in this situation by agreeing to the marriage and it sounds like you knew what your opinion of the kids was before you got married so why did you do it?

I personally would never have married someone who didn't accept and love my child as their own. I'm not going to choose someone over her - and whether you mean to or not that's the situation you are pushing your spouses into eventually. The kids will grow and mature - be it 10 years or 20 years from now - what then - after they know that you've loathed and hated them - do you think they will want to re-establish a loving relationship with their fathers knowing what has gone down in the past. I'm not trying to pass judgment - it won't do anything but make you defensive - after reading so many of Preso's posts I just honestly want to know why you got yourselves into this situation.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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why did you marry them knowing that their kids/ex's would be involved and you weren't really 100% committed to having to deal with the fall out from that. .
You are making lots of assumptions based upon your beliefs and value systems and what you believe to be, which may not be many others peoples reality or situation.
Might just be too, that your expecations and beliefs not only do not reflect mine but many others peoples and your not able to understand based on your lifes experinces. For one, It was well known by H and I both his EX would NEVER be involved with us.
Much more can be said but I think you get the picture.

Package deals are some peoples idea of marriage, we just dont have the same situation, kids or exs involved and did not marry to raise his kids ( I told his kids I had no intention to be their mother, but would welcome a friendship and they were glad about that as they told me they preffered it that way, that they did not want me or my husband to parent them as they said they will only listen to their mother, neither of us and ESPECCIALLY not be parented by me... I was ok with that too but I did not think they would turn that into being disrespectful to me and my Husband !!! neither did he !!!)

and also my husband was never able to co-parent his kids ( not kids as they were older) after his divorce as his ex ( bitter, evil, greedy, unfair woman that she is) would not allow them to make plans with him or even be a father to them
by doing things like constantly telling them he was a worthless scumbag who didn't even pay child support and abandon them
and they should only go over to his house and get money from him. ask for expensive things... and if he loved them, he would.
it was an impossible siutation for him... so we did not marry with any package deals....
we married more despite them and even their many attempts to divide us. So, it may be hard for some to understand due to their personal lifes expeiernces as well as lots of other things...
but package deal is not a reality for many people,
but I know people who believe thats how it works ( mostly single custodial mothers in the people I know)
and there is nothing wrong with that as we all have different
lives and beliefs...
but package deal concept is not something that was in our marriage.... in other words, the package was an angry bitter ex wife who wanted full control over her kids and their lives, willing to do anything to get their father out of the picture and turn them against him, spoiled unreasonable kids
but he asked me to please LOOK AT HIM, and give him a chance.
I did and he is a pretty good husband ( not perfect, but far better than most)
and we also didn't realize how bad his kids would get under their mothers total control and the huge sense of entitlement they would grow into, or how much like their mother they were and eager to use, hurt and manipulate others for personal gain.
Guess I'm trying to say, their mother got what she wanted
( by playing head games, lying and everything she could do) and created mindsets that "SHE" will now have to deal with.
One more year (even less actually) and his kids will BOTH be adults. So then they will have to move on to play these games with the people they date because we sure aren't going to.
Hope that makes sense... I do not mean any offense or personal attacks to you in explaining myself... but your views on what marriage is and package deals are different than my husbands and I have, and we have them for our own reasons with kids that are pretty nasty to be around.
Package deals are more along the lines ( at least in my mind) for younger people who marry with small children and blended familes)
Ours was never to become one as husbands ex did not want me or even their own father around the kids.
His ex was always trying to get her new boyfriends to act as a father figure, finally after 5 years she found someone, a man, but he has only agreed to move in, not marry her
I think maybe because he can't deal with those kids either? but not sure if thats the reason he won't marry her...
Package deal is more for younger people who have small kids or spouses who can be reasonable adults, things not present in OUR situation.

Last edited by preso; 11-20-2009 at 09:45 PM.
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Old 11-21-2009, 04:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids

Yea, thats a tough one!

My Husband has kids too. I have met the oldest daughter but not the younger son (8 & 5). The reason I have not met them is cos the mom is remarried and the new hubby is a control freak and wont let my hubby into the picture. But we are busy sorting that out legally so that we can see them. But needless to say I am very nervous about getting to know them. The daughter didnt like me very much when we met, but granted she was just shy and it was very brief.

But I do agree that when I found out that he had kids he made it very clear to me that I need to accept it or take a hike. And I would never dream of coming between him and his kids. However, when it comes to parenting, he should take your side. Is that happening? Cos if not, he is making it very hard for the kids to respect you. Thats Key. Other than that, all I can say is take a ZEN approach. Accept, accept and then accept some more. I know its hard. But I think that in some time your hubby will see that you are making an effort and chat to the kids about giving you less of a hard time.

Good Luck!
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Old 11-27-2009, 01:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I have known my husband for 13 years, he has a son with his first wife who is 13. In the beginning we were friends (including his wife at the time) Then they went through a bitter divorce. I came into the picture when his son was 5. At that time things went okay, and then between age 5-7 his mother just dropped out of the picture, no phone calls, no contact whatsoever. I had never been around kids and didn't know how to raise them, especially a child that was not my own, but I did my best. During that time he became absolutely mean to me calling me terrible names, and making up stories to his father about me. In 2003 my husband and I married and in July of 2003 we had our first son. My stepson was 7 at the time. My stepson had some very bad behaviors going on like pooping in his room and then hiding it in closet,dresser etc. My son was at the crawling stage and putting things in his mouth, I became very concerned so I approached my husband about it and he told me to deal with it, I did the best I could, but was under so much stress. I flat out told my husband that him and his ex needed to seek help for him, but they both ignored me and said it was because I was a bad stepmom. This of course made me angry. My husband and I have now been married 6 years and together for 8, we have 3 beautiful children together. My stepson now lives with his mom in another state, my husband pays child support which I am ok with and have no problem. The problem I have is that my stepsons mother has threatened us to tell her son that his father never loved, or cared about him unless he pay her more money for child support. My stepson also has another sister on his moms side. She tells my stepson that he only has one sister which is her daughter and that my husbands and mine are not to be considered siblings. My husbands ex has also told me that the only child that matters is her son. He's 13 now and when he visits I get moody about him coming. We pay airline tickets for him to come visit us, but when he's here all he does is stay in his room with the door locked, come out to eat, make messes and not clean up after himself and when he does come out he tells my kids to shut up, which totally irritates me. My husband wants him when he can get him, but my husband is always working so he never spends time with him. It's gotten to the point that I am expected to tell him when to go to bed, when to get up etc along with taking care of my 3 ages 4, 5, and 6. I feel like I have been dumped on since the beginning. His 8th grade graduation is coming up next year and me and my kids are not welcome to go..I'm so angry that one minute it's expected that I take an interest in him like a parent, but at the same time to stay out of it because he is none of my business...As the years have went by they resentment towards him has been getting worse, not just my stepson, but also towards my husband and his ex...I don't know what to do anymore any suggestions???

Last edited by 2goornot2; 11-27-2009 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 12-26-2010, 07:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Take it easy, I kno how u feel, I am in a similar situation, trust me it never gets better, take heart, maybe when the child is older u will becom gud freinds or maybe he will be a gud brother and carer to his little siblings, but whatever happens rmbr u cant change everything to be how u want it to be, imagine u r in his position, he obviously wants both his parents to be together, he obviously misses his own nuclear family setting plus he is a teenage,r he has his hormones to deal with too, try be kind, understanding towards him, be helpful and kind and patient for yr own sanity, for yr own health being, goodnes brings rewards more than badness, actually u r lucky not to be in a far worser scenario- i have two step daughters, do u know how bad that is, they are *****y, they ***** about me to everybody and i mean everbody, the hardest part is that their father doesnt believe a word i say against them, they are angels as far as he can see, but i am a patient person,i have turned to Islam and I am finally at peace with myself,. i believe gud things comes to those who wait, so i'l kp my patience and try do gud ech day, untilofcourse i cant take any more than i'l walk, at the end of the day its my choice, u have little ones that need both parents, pls try to have a gud relationship wth the boy, if not for his sake then for his siblings and dad rmbr they are blood, at the end of the day blood is thicker than water,dont repeat the vicious circle of breaking families, be patient while there is hope, stay there for the sake of yr kids to have 2 parents becoz single parenting is a most difficult thing esp when kids are teenagers, both parents are very paramount, unless there is a danger or threat if not, stay and make it work , dnt expect miracles but trust me boys are better than gals, gud luck, stay positive, each problem, turn to prayerand u will find things easier, it helps al the best
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids

Same here, but I dont hate him,yet, maybe.
He's 12 years old. He's spoiled,cowardly,addictied to games, dont like study, disrespectful.

One thing is :We have to keep our bedroom door open for him when we sleep at night. Any time if we are in the bedroom and our door is closed, He comes to open it without knocking or notice!!

He's overweighted and keeps eating junk food and other unhealthy food. For example, eats pizzas and icecream every day. Once I refused to buy him icecream and he never asks me again but asks my husband for it, and my husband just lets him.
When we eats out, we ordered water for him, he later asks the waitress to bring him a coke without asking us...

I told my H that it's not normal for him and we should help lead him to the right track instead of letting him be the way he wants. My husband somehow kinda ignore it.

I treat him well, I buy things for him--things he needs, I mean. I would take him out and take care of him if my husband does not have time. I always tell my husband how much I want to have a kid, not just because I love my h, but also I want to show him how to parent. While my husband does not want kids now because he doesnt think he's ready for another kid, which makes me say that I havent hated him/them yet, I will one day, if things not change.

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Originally Posted by Ladybug30 View Post
I am in a similar situation. I recently married, and my husband has twins. They are the most spoiled, disrespectful children ever. I get annoyed just being in their presence. I've taken to avoiding them whenever I can, and having minimal contact with them. I really don't speak with them, unless they speak to me first. Luckly they're only with up about 50% of the time. Just try not to argue with them, and let them get under your skin... stear clear of them whenever possible.
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Old 12-27-2010, 04:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have come to hate my husbands kids

Healthybaby, do you want a child FOR YOURSELF? Given your username, I'm assuming you do, but be sure. Bringing a child into the world for any other reason--to make someone else happy, to prove your love to them, to show them how to parent--would be unfair to the child. S/he needs to be wanted and loved just for him/herself.

Having said that, start enforcing your rules when your step-son is with you. It is not his fault that his dad won't set boundaries, but you can. Your step-son won't like it, but if you are loving in all ways and enforcing rules out of love, he'll appreciate it MUCH later. In the meantime, he might make you out to be an evil witch. Just remind yourself he's trying to get you to back off, but if you love him and want the best for him, you'll just say, "Yep, I'm the evil stepmother but unfortunately I love you and want the best for you, so no ice cream. You need to eat healthier food" or whatever it is. Do not take his (the child's) resistance or testing you personally--that is his JOB, so to speak. You are just an immovable force between him and getting what he wants; he will eventually love you for loving him enough to set boundaries and enforce them lovingly, when no one else did.

As for "showing your husband how to parent," it seems really clear that you two have very different parenting styles. This can become a huge source of marital conflict. Please consider this before having a baby, or at least be prepared to parent alone if you can't reach a good agreement. Remember that it is likely to be YOUR child eating ice cream and junk food whenever you aren't in charge, because that is how he parents and chances are very, very good that he is NOT going to change.
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Old 12-28-2010, 10:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Sisters359, thank you very much for your advice! Yes, I really want a child for myself and be a proud parent, and I agree with you.

Actually I dont think our parenting styles are different, because every time when I talk about it with my H, he agrees with me. But most time my h just lets his son be that way. h feels guilty because of years away from his son due to he going to study in a different state, which he thinks is the main reason his son changes. And he does not want to "force to change him back". (His son used to be very fit, polite and respestful when he was there). It confuses me: H knows what's the good thing to do but he doesnt want to do it! I always told my h that he's 12 years old, he did nothing wrong because no one tells him what's wrong. If you dont correct him at this earlier age, wait until you think it's time, that's too late.

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Healthybaby, do you want a child FOR YOURSELF? Given your username, I'm assuming you do, but be sure. Bringing a child into the world for any other reason--to make someone else happy, to prove your love to them, to show them how to parent--would be unfair to the child. S/he needs to be wanted and loved just for him/herself.

Having said that, start enforcing your rules when your step-son is with you. It is not his fault that his dad won't set boundaries, but you can. Your step-son won't like it, but if you are loving in all ways and enforcing rules out of love, he'll appreciate it MUCH later. In the meantime, he might make you out to be an evil witch. Just remind yourself he's trying to get you to back off, but if you love him and want the best for him, you'll just say, "Yep, I'm the evil stepmother but unfortunately I love you and want the best for you, so no ice cream. You need to eat healthier food" or whatever it is. Do not take his (the child's) resistance or testing you personally--that is his JOB, so to speak. You are just an immovable force between him and getting what he wants; he will eventually love you for loving him enough to set boundaries and enforce them lovingly, when no one else did.

As for "showing your husband how to parent," it seems really clear that you two have very different parenting styles. This can become a huge source of marital conflict. Please consider this before having a baby, or at least be prepared to parent alone if you can't reach a good agreement. Remember that it is likely to be YOUR child eating ice cream and junk food whenever you aren't in charge, because that is how he parents and chances are very, very good that he is NOT going to change.
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Old 12-28-2010, 12:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I have a question - if you weren't prepared to accept your husbands as the packaged deals that they were (kids, ex's and all) - why did you marry them knowing that their kids/ex's would be involved and you weren't really 100% committed to having to deal with the fall out from that. I doesn't matter if your husband is tired of their immaturity as well - he's their father and has to deal with it based on that relationship which means it will get filtered down to you in some way - You put yourself in this situation by agreeing to the marriage and it sounds like you knew what your opinion of the kids was before you got married so why did you do it?

I personally would never have married someone who didn't accept and love my child as their own. I'm not going to choose someone over her - and whether you mean to or not that's the situation you are pushing your spouses into eventually. The kids will grow and mature - be it 10 years or 20 years from now - what then - after they know that you've loathed and hated them - do you think they will want to re-establish a loving relationship with their fathers knowing what has gone down in the past. I'm not trying to pass judgment - it won't do anything but make you defensive - after reading so many of Preso's posts I just honestly want to know why you got yourselves into this situation.
I love when posters say that they are "not judging" when they clearly are! LOL LOL
I do agree that marrying parent, if you hate the children makes no sense. I dated a man with a child and if I don't stay married, I will never date another father. Children do need to come first, but not to the detriment of the marriage. I left my ex boyfriend because I grew tired of his son disrupting what we were building. I had to spend many nights alone, because the son came first. I was alone that New Year's Eve because the son came first. I finally left with more wisdom about men with kids.
So a husband should wait 10-20 years for he and the wife to have a marriage? Sounds unrealistic to me. Adults need love and attention too.
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Old 01-16-2011, 12:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I don't know your situation from the way some of you are posting, but ask yourself this: if adults refuse or are incapable of changing to make their marriage work (hence divorce) why would you think that children, whether they are 5 or 15, are going to be capable of doing that much emotional work? Kids usually love their PARENTS. Even if it's only respect you are "looking" for, respect is something that can only be temporarily demanded by virtue of authority or office; past that, it has to be earned. There are times I don't like my own children, but it passes. I have an ex-stepmother who I didn't see for about 20 years; my father and she were divorced when I was in my teens. We reconnected and today, she is a great source of support and inspiration to me. Her good influences were a candle to me during dark times in my life even before I was able to re-establish a relationship with her. Was she perfect-heck, no. And I could be really immature and sure I was not the easiest kid to parent. Grow up, accept that you entered into this willingly and the kids had absolutely no say in it. The more you demand, the less likely you are to get (unless through fear). Be an example, encourage them, find out what they do like and incorporate activities and things they like into your time together. It'll help you bond with them if you make your time together more enjoyable and rewarding. I remarried my husband after being divorced; I felt like the step-mom at times; my kids would get mad at me and yell, "Why don't you just go back . . ." And worse. I just know it CAN be done, but YOU have to make the investment. You can ask their father for support, but don't necessarily expect to set up your own rules or expectations if they differ from his style. Remember, their mother might have tried that, and you know what happened to their marriage. Good luck, you can do it!
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Old 01-16-2011, 12:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Actually I dont think our parenting styles are different, because every time when I talk about it with my H, he agrees with me. But most time my h just lets his son be that way. h feels guilty because of years away from his son due to he going to study in a different state, which he thinks is the main reason his son changes. And he does not want to "force to change him back". (His son used to be very fit, polite and respestful when he was there). It confuses me: H knows what's the good thing to do but he doesnt want to do it! I always told my h that he's 12 years old, he did nothing wrong because no one tells him what's wrong. If you dont correct him at this earlier age, wait until you think it's time, that's too late.
You are very right when you mention the difficulties of waiting and waiting .... guilt is not a good reason for neglecting your child's development, especially if you KNOW what they "need". Kids will often rebel when you make changes, but if you follow through, are consistent and fair and have clear but few expectations, they'll come around. I had three rules for my children. You must get your homework done, you must do your chores and no physical/emotional fighting. If either daughter needed help, they could ask for it. If they broke the rules, they were basically grounded for the day. Tomorrow would be a new day. Since their father and I were divorced, and his parenting style was very relaxed in terms of them developing self-discipline, there were many tussles, especially when one of our daughters when through a very angry period, smashing things at my home, stealing things to give to her father as "evidence" against me and physically fighting with me. Today, she's a responsible young adult, working and going to college. She will stand up for her values, and doesn't get angry that often. Luckily, I was her parent, so it made it easier for me to take the bull by the horns and do what needed to be done. But if your husband won't, it'll be difficult for you to do it (I think). If the child HAD the foundation when he was young, it will be easier than if he was running wild from birth. But I can easily see this kid continuing down a path where, especially in a few years, he's doing all kinds of crazy or illegal things which will FORCE his father to take responsibility for his behavior. So much easier to do it now a step at a time...good luck with it; you sound caring and considerate AND aware!
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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For everyone out there who thinks that it's soooo easy to accept their spouses children...please let me remind you of something...remember when the relationship was new?...remember a time when you didn't have to worry about the welfare of the child/children...when it was just you and your mate planning your life together? Ah yes, meeting another persons child/children and thinking, "hey he or she isn't so bad, I could parent them", is MUCH different then ACTUALLY having to do it day in and day out...

I too thought that I could help raise two children that were not mine...but then comes the custody fights...here comes the extra expense because the other parent won't help with anything...and after all you do here comes the "you're not my mom" crap and "I dont have to listen to you"....really?

You start to resent them, you have no real control over anything, and everything you work for is for two little people who drive you crazy. It ruined my marriage - RUINED IT!

So I don't care to raise other peoples childern....never again! I laugh when people say it's a "package deal" or "love them as their own"....do you know how crazy that sounds? Like I told my ex just the other day..."you know, I didn't get with you because you have two cute kids...I got with you because I loved you. To me they are not part of the deal."

I have the right to feel that way, I have the right to expect time with my mate at the emd of the day, I have the right to bank my money instead of spending it on children that I did not create...you may say, then you have the right to not be with anyone who has kids...but then I say to you...I have the right to expect that an adult will take care of their responsiblities...and understand that I am NOT a sub for the bio parent...
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Old 10-08-2011, 10:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Amen!!
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