Family wants us to raise our nephew - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 03:41 AM Thread Starter
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Family wants us to raise our nephew

My husband`s brother and his wife got arrested for drugs, and their kids are being taken away. They have been married for a year and she has two children 3 and 1 year old and he has 7 year old son from the previous marriage. Her children are going to go to their paternal grandma and right now what needs to be decide is who his son, our nephew, is going to live with.
My husband`s family is pushing for us to take him, but I don`t really want to because I do not want to raise someone else`s child. The only way I would agree to do something like this is if biological parents were completely out of the picture and did not disturb our family with their unwanted visits. Our nephew`s mom is known to drop here and there ( basically whenever she feels like "playing mommy" ) and take him for couple days, a week or a month during summer. I really think this is not OK. If one wants to be a Mother - then be a Mother All The Time, not just when you feel like it. And she would not give up her parental rights. So here we are, family really wants us to take my nephew and raise him, but at the same time without us truly being his parents and having the deciding vote on who he gets to spend his time with like a parent would. How do I tell them to back off from my family in a nice way so it does not destroy our relationship ?

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 03:34 PM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I was in the same exact position you are in when I first got married. My husband's sister lost custody of her children and my husband's family was pushing for us to adopt her daughter. My husband loved this little girl, and was all over the idea. I ended up putting my foot down and telling my husband that we couldn't, and it did cause a rift between me and his family (his mother, specifically, although it's gotten better). Heck, it caused a rift between myself and my husband for a while; hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page so you won't have to go through that heartache.

I just said no. When asked, I politely explained my situation (for us, it was that we were newlyweds and living overseas). If they press, "I'm sorry, no, we can't". If they continue to press, leave.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-11-2013, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Thank you for telling me about your experience with it LoveAtDaisys, I really appreciate hearing that someone else felt the same way, because my husband`s family makes me feel like I am a heartless person for not wanting to raise my brother-in-law`s child. Do you mind me asking what happened in the end with the little girl, did someone in family took her in or the state`s child services?
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-12-2013, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Mavash, I hear you and totally get it. You perfectly described my brother-in-law and his wife` s parenting style, if I can even call it such. Kids are very resilient, but it still breaks my heart to see people like them having children and tossing them around like toys, having them jump from one house to the next while they "fix" their lives.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-12-2013, 08:33 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Whatever you choose to do will have a life altering impact, regardless of what you do. Maybe you could benefit from a social worker coming in and talking to all adults involved they maybe can come up with a short term and long term arraignment that benefits the children and doesn't burden the family.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-12-2013, 08:40 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I'm not faulting or guilt-tripping anybody, please believe me, but I'd take the kid. We already have a bunch, so what's one more. Kids deserve every chance for a happy, normal life.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 05:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I was thinking deeply about it, and came to the conclusion that my husband`s mom or his grandma should take the child. They are both still young, married and financially stable. His mom is already raising one, our nephew`s younger brother and those are HER son`s children she has always been enabling him by giving him money, paying his bills so he learned not having to be responsible. My husband`s grandma keeps talking to me how we would be a perfect family for our nephew and since we wanted more kids anyway ( I want more of my own, biological children though, because I can ) . Grandparents want to enjoy their retirement stress free but don`t mind adding stress to my family. Its just not fair !!!
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 08:45 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Ya know life isn't fair.

Poor children...they didn't choose to be born, let alone deal with parents addictions, criminal activity and incarceration.

YOU have the right to feel how you do. It IS a huge burden to take on this child, he will need counseling and lots of attention, love etc.
It WILL be disruptive to your current life for sure.



YEAH you have valid concerns. I suspect that Grandma ALREADY knows what a burden it is - she's ALREADY caring for his brother so she's at least TRYING to see if you all will take him. BUT seems the best possible solution is for the BROTHERS to stay together with Grandma. They need each other since the rest of their immediate family is majorly flucked up. They both need counseling. I would always bring this point up - boys have a better chance of making it and turning out ok if they stay together. And offer to help SOMETIMES do things with both boys..never commit to more than you can follow through with.

Explain all your concerns with your husband...be honest with each other...and then become a united front. Offer to help do things with the boys so Grandma can have a break, but they need to live TOGETHER and she is young enough and financially secure enough to care for them both. (Yeah it sucks that she SHOULD be enjoying life and grandkids and not raising them...but oh well that ain't happening already so this isn't a NEW situation for her it's just adding a sibling.)

Have all the legitimate feelings and intuitions you do....but I would always express your decision in a way that shows the BEST solution for your nephews. He needs to be with his Brother, She has the financial resources, she has the time (she's retired) etc. And then offer to help do things with the boys to help give her a break yadda yadda.


Better to be honest than to say yes and your resentment shows through to your nephew, and the strain on your marriage would be horrific.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 08:48 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Don't be too hard on Great Grandma (your H grandma) she is just trying to keep the great grandkids in the Family. She is probably too old and not financially secure enough to be able to care for him and is trying to find a fix.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 09:14 PM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

What does your husband want?

I think I'd want to do whatever I could FOR THE KID.... regardless if it is an inconvenience to me. He's going to need alot of love and support to get past these crazy parents.

ETA: I think H's family also is not wrong in trying to convince you. They gotta try!

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-13-2013, 11:48 PM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

My best friend adopted her sister's son, who she had while in prison. I can't imagine turning that poor child away; he's going to have a hard enough life as it is. Just tell everyone that if you can get legal title to him (whatever it's called), you'll do it.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-14-2013, 11:45 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

Why are they separating the siblings?
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-14-2013, 12:05 PM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I agree that keeping the siblings together would be the best route in most cases.

Perhaps grandma could have both boys. Then you and your husband could be very involved aunt & uncle and help grandma out.

In a case like this, where bio mom have little interest in raising the children you might get a judge to remove parental rights from her and let you adopt the boy. That's if you are interested in getting rid of what you state to be your biggest objection.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-16-2013, 09:13 AM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I agree with Elegirl...

I personally would say agree to take the children on the condition that parental rights are removed and ask to be appointed legal guardian or the official legal foster parents.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-...-my-story.html

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-17-2013, 09:04 PM
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Re: Family wants us to raise our nephew

I would raise the child too, especially as you already want another.
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