Quote:
Originally Posted by qbert  Just because I've tried what was suggested and it didn't work I'm being antagonistic. If it didn't work, don't I just need further suggestions? |
qbert, I really am trying to be helpful here. All I mean is that, whenever the advice includes something you should look at in yourself, you have a ready answer at your fingertips for why THAT piece of advice won't work, or you've already tried, or whatever.
I'm just asking you to be as hard on yourself as you are on your wife, because SHE won't want to change, until she sees changes in YOU.
Is that fair? No. But it's reality. People told me for two years on another site to stop and look at myself to see what I was contributing to the problem. But I wouldn't listen. All I wanted was commiseration and ways to make my husband change. Everyone kept telling me it doesn't work that way. The only way for ME to get what I wanted, was to look at MYSELF and my contributions. And change what I didn't like, what I did that I wouldn't want my spouse doing to me.
After a long struggle, I finally learned humility and took a good look at my own actions. Saw a lot of stuff in there I didn't like (like I knew I would). And I took steps to STOP doing them.
Guess what? Once I fixed MYSELF, made being with me a good thing, my husband's wall came down, and he started wanting to make ME happy. He stopped protecting himself from me, just like I had been doing with him.
Your situation's unique, with her medical issue. But she's still a human being who experiences the same rest of the stuff we all do. It's possible she's a full-time User and you're just a Giver, but I doubt it; and you say she's a great person.
So find out WHY she behaves the way she does around you. It really does have something to do with you. You can stop those things you do that effect a reaction in her, and her wall may melt away, too, giving you the wife who puts your happiness ahead of her own.
Did I suggest going to marriagebuilders.com? You can print out a Love Buster questionnaire there, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU do that bothers her. So you can stop doing whatever they are. That's the first step in creating a relationship where she stops protecting herself from you and wants to make you happy. It really does work.
Re: Why is it okay for my wife to spend money, but not me? 
So how do I answer this without being called "rude" or "defensive"? 
Ah, you need to lighten up dude! 
There's nothing wrong with being childish as long as you are happy. I specialize in it but then again, I tend to have fun while being that way. 
