I think I married a freeloader.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Financial Problems in Marriage » I think I married a freeloader.

Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 01-03-2014, 03:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I think I married a freeloader.

Hi all.

My husband and I have been married for just less than a year. I love him dearly and in all aspects but one I consider him a wonderful, loving, caring man.

I think I married a freeloader.

We have lived together in my home since before we were married, he did not own a home. Now that we are married I consider all things, his and mine, now "ours", but I am still the only one paying on the mortgage/electric/trash/tv/internet etc.

I only have a slightly larger income, we both make decent money. I work in sales. He has many connections in my field and could really help me/us by simply making some phone calls and beating the bushes, he says he has done these things but in over a year nothing has ever come of it.

When I attempt to speak calmly about these matters he stares blankly at me and says nothing. I don't know how to react to this. The man is almost 40 years old.

I have a very specific lifelong goal I am trying to achieve this year, and it will require me to save some money. I have begged him for help, either to pitch in financially or send business our way through his connections. I get blanket statements such as "You know I will do anything to help you". So far anything = nothing. I feel as if my goal is unimportant.

HELP. How do you make a man want to chip in and provide a little for his wife? Is that even possible? Should I just call a spade a spade?
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

How long did you date before you married him? Where did he live before? Does he have a job? Didn't you talk about finances before getting married/living together? Why do you let him get away without saying anything in response? Is that how he normally responds when he doesn't want to answer a question? Is this his first marriage?

So many questions...

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Old 01-03-2014, 03:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Why are you the only one paying the bills ??? I would set an immediate boundary like 50/50 on bills thats fair.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

He was 39 and basically had nothing when you married him? Where did you get the idea that he'd be a motivated provider for his wife? It sounds as though he'd be more than happy to sponge off you for the rest of his days if you allowed it. I would suggest splitting bills and handing him a stack which would be appropriate for his income. You wouldn't have to ask or beg or be frustrated. Those would be "his" and he would be responsible for them.
I'm of the opinion that a 40 year old man is what he's going to be and neither you nor anyone else has the power to seriously change his character. You might beat some minor behavioral performance out of him but his character was formed before he was 8. Apparently the value you hold dear (that a good man supports his wife) isn't one he shares. Not a fan of divorce but a lazy man or a selfish man is about as useless as mammaries on a boar. I believe I'd make it painfully easy for him to contribute his fair share but I'd become determined to dump him like a bad habit if he wouldn't.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Yes, PBear, we talked about finances, obviously. We decided to leave the home in my name, I would continue to pay the mortgage on it every month, and in return he would pay some smaller bills (electric, tv, what have you) and start hustling a little for my business to offset the cost of the mortgage.

This is both of our first marriage. Not sure how I am supposed to keep him from "getting away" with saying nothing? Take away his toys? He's a grown man. It's confusing.

Now that I think back on it, it sounds stupid, I should have demanded 50/50 from the get go. We have dated for several years.

I blame myself for allowing this to happen, now how do I get out of it?
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

That is a good idea, unbelievable. This month I should keep some of the smaller bills and just hand them to him. If they don't get paid, I suppose I have my answer. You are also right, it does hurt me that he does not seem to value my goals.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

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Yes, PBear, we talked about finances, obviously. We decided to leave the home in my name, I would continue to pay the mortgage on it every month, and in return he would pay some smaller bills (electric, tv, what have you) and start hustling a little for my business to offset the cost of the mortgage.

This is both of our first marriage. Not sure how I am supposed to keep him from "getting away" with saying nothing? Take away his toys? He's a grown man. It's confusing.

Now that I think back on it, it sounds stupid, I should have demanded 50/50 from the get go. We have dated for several years.

I blame myself for allowing this to happen, now how do I get out of it?
How do you get out of it? You list what your needs are, and say that he has to start checking off that list. If not, he's free to move out. If he doesn't, you start divorce proceedings and having him kicked out of the house, if you have to.

Is this how he dealt with uncomfortable discussions prior to getting married?

C
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Since he doesn't care to pitch in, then I would say that it's perfectly reasonable to give up some things to save for your goal. Things like cable, data plans on his cell phone, turn the heat down all the way.... I mean he's the one whose willing to do anything to support you, right??
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions


I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.

Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Don't let this continue. He either starts paying part of the bills or you tell him you're divorcing. It will get way worse with children. Put your foot down immediately. And make sure he continues paying. Hold off on kids until he's proved he can and will contribute.

I've been here...believe me, not pretty!
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Old 01-03-2014, 06:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

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I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions


I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.

Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?
My ex was ALWAYS that way. I actually let the cable/internet get disconnected a couple of times to provide consequences for him not paying what he'd agreed to. His idea of bill paying was "if they want money, they'll call" because heaven forbid he write a check or buy a stamp. Even taking over the actual paying of the bills, I still had to nag and nag every month. It chipped away at a lot of trust between us.

I think that figuring out the operations of your household is usually a bump in the road of a new marriage. However, the fact that he won't pay his share OR help make the money to cover the difference seems to be a bigger deal than that.
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Tell him it's time to put his money where his mouth is and hand him a bill for what he owes for the entire time you've been married. Tell him to write you a check right now.

If he just stares, tell him you're going to pack his bag and he knows where the door is. Freeloaders are just leeches.
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

Is he frivolous with his spending, or just not very proactive and content with things as they are? Can you suggest that his salary go into a joint account and tell him that you will handle the finances equitably?
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Old 01-05-2014, 04:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

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Originally Posted by threedogs View Post
I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions


I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.

Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?
What was in your joint marriage vows - did it include the phrase 'for richer for poorer'?

Or did it say "for work connections and for better than decent money"

Last edited by Sandfly; 01-05-2014 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 01-06-2014, 01:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I married a freeloader.

OP.

IMHO

You and your husband obviously did not spend enough time having meaningful conversations before you embarked on marriage.

Couples MUST find out about each other’s hopes, dreams, plans, and ambitions to see if they are compatible BEFORE they get into a serious relationship. Look at a prospective partner’s history it can be a guide to their future behavior. If a man has managed to get to his late 30's without accumulating any appraisable wealth then the chances are he will never have any.

My advice to anyone starting a relationship, Spend more time fumbling with your words and less time fumbling with your partner’s underwear. Lust does not pay the bills or support you in times of need.
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