I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off... - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-11-2010, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

I thought it might be better to re-post this in this section instead. It relates to finances more anyway....

Me and my hubby Blake have been married for just over 2 years now. He's 24 and I'm 22. We may be young, but we've had a good marriage so far, but lately things have been kind of tense since he got laid off from his job with PetroCanada here in Calgary 8 months ago. He hasn't been himself since. He seems to be getting depressed and not wanting to leave the apartment even. He's put in for so many jobs all over Alberta and the rest of Canada and no one seems to be acknowledging him. He's even put in for some in the US. He doesn't get a lot unemployment benefits & I'm the only one working right now.

Anyway, I came home from work earlier, and I found Blake just sitting on the floor of our bedroom in just his boxers crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong, and he just said he was about to get dressed, and he lost it, that he's had enough of not being able to support me and that he feels so low that I'm the only one working and the only breadwinner right now. He said he doesn't know what else to do and that he doesn't think he can go on much more like this. He started saying all this garbage about how he doesn't feel like a man because he can't get a job right now or anything, even though he was in the Canadian Army for 4 years as well. I had a long day at work and couldn't be bothered to deal with it. I just told him to quit b*tching at me about it, and get dressed, shave, and go to the gym or something. He just looked at me, saying what's the point just to sit around and not work all day and he started crying even more, saying I don't understand. I just told him whatever, I don't care and called him a weakling, and he needs to try harder. I just said I've had a long day, and walked out of the bedroom. He started crying out "please don't leave me here Lyds, I need you and I don't know what to do". I went back in later, and he just was laying on the bed asleep. I just laid down next to him on the bed and held him. I hate seeing him like this. I feel so bad now for not being sympathetic and being so mean towards him, I mean I know he's trying, but I don't get why he is this way. I shouldn't have taken it out on him because I had a long day.

It's like he's given up. I don't get why he says he doesn't feels like a man anymore, just because he got laid off and can't find another job right now. I don't think it's really important that he isn't the breadwinner right now, but he claims I shouldn't be the one supporting us both only. I don't get why he collapsed on the floor in his boxers or didn't want to shave either for god's sake, it's pathetic. I love him to death, but I'm getting sick of him feeling so depressed all the time. It seems like he is acting like he is the only guy in Canada who's lost his job. I want him to be like he was when he had a job. He just sits around the apartment all day either looking for jobs or sleeping. He seems really, really bored. He also keeps drawing constantly for some reason. I don't get it. I think he's getting really depressed about everything. I have never seen my baby cry like that before, it was horrifying to me. Even when he was in the military, when I first met him, he was never like this. He's always been so happy, but I never see him smile anymore, and our sex life is starting to suffer too. Even when we go to the grocery store or something, he gets funny at the register, and doesn't like seeing me pay, he just walks off like he's ashamed or something. Again, I know I should have been more sympathetic, and I definitely shouldn't have called him weak, but I don't know how else I can help him.

Last edited by LydiaH; 10-12-2010 at 12:51 PM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 01:59 PM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

Sorry to hear about his job loss honey. Well, you already know that you handled it the wrong way ( no worries, I do sometimes too LOL) so I am guessing you are looking to know if he is in fact depressed and how to cope with his being insecure.

He does sound like he is falling into a deep depression. I can't blame the poor guy, he is obviously not used to having no job and being unable to support himself. It can hit the ego really hard. I would recommend that you guys talk about ways he still contributes since he isn't working, and then tell him that you are sure someone as talented as he is will find work soon. In the meantime you help me so much by ____________. Whatever LOL. Doing the dishes, cooking the meals, etc. Whatever fits in there best!

I will admit I know nothing about Canada, so I am not sure about any cultural differences. Hopefully someone who has more experience will come in and talk, I just didn't want you to think we didnt care!
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 11:58 PM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

wow poor guy. i really feel for him. i dont really blame you for what you said to him. i think if i saw my H like that i would do the same. at the same time i feel really bad for him. he must feel incredibly lonely.

Depression is a viscous cycle of self-loathing, entitlement, and blurred boundaries. its incredibly draining for the other person. all i can say is make sure you take care of yourself. that always comes off as really selfish, people always think you should help the depressed person, but there's really no helping them. they have to help themselves. all you can do is be honest with how you feel and not get sucked into the self-loathing. That doesnt mean you have to be mean to him and call him weak, that is harsh, but you cant placate him either.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-13-2010, 12:50 AM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

I think you should have comforted him while he was going through this. Its bad enough he lost his job, and even worse he was crying, not just crying but on the floor crying...Thats pretty serious stuff...

What he needed was a hug, and some understanding, things will get better and sometimes bad things happen....
What if you was on the floor crying, begging him for some compassion, and he said quit being a baby??? He is your husband, someone you are to love, not show him Tough Love when he did nothing to deserve it....
He's not just depressed he lost his job, but that he cannot provide for his wife, thus making him feel like a child, so the child came out of the man....
Sometimes you have to go into overdrive..... Depressed people need comfort and need to be watched as they can do serious harm to themselves..He seems to be taking this very hard... You did the best you could by laying with him later..That helped a lot..Sometimes men need mommy!
If I got laid off, I would be happy!
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-18-2011, 11:36 PM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

I agree with Teach Me. Goodness. I'd give him hugs and a lot of loving and tell him that it's just the times....hard times...but that I believe he'll bounce back if he just hangs in there. And that if he needs me to help make anything better to let me know.

Gawd how awful for a man to have to deal with losing a job and feeling like a man. I'd give him all the love and support I could instead of treating him like crap...I can't believe some people.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-19-2011, 12:10 AM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

One year ago my husband was jobless for 6 months. He tried out some interviews but totally turned him down. I encouraged him to apply for his dreaming job for SG government, and he did but it took him so long to wait for the interview...it took so long and he almost lost his hope & about to collapse... One night he came home almost crying because some ppl from the government told him it's very difficult to get a work from the government now... I holded him very tight and kissed him again and again.
I assured him that the information he heard from those ppl was totally incorrect and I advice him not to listen. I told him that he's a talented man and I believed he will be employed and working for the goverment. He will be very successful. The very next morning, he received the interview, and after one year, YES, I was totally right. My husband has contributed himself very well and just got his 3 month bonus for the first year performance.
Now he wants to study for his master degree and work at same time for a successful future career, I fully support him!
Ladies, your man will become the very man, depending on how you shape him.
Just to share with you my belief.

Last edited by MsLonely; 01-19-2011 at 12:16 AM.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-19-2011, 12:25 AM
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Re: I think my husband is getting really depressed since he was laid off...

MsLonely, that's great how you handled it. That's how every women should be toward their hardworking man.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-19-2011, 01:24 AM
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Originally Posted by moonangel View Post
MsLonely, that's great how you handled it. That's how every women should be toward their hardworking man.
Thanks for your agreement!
My husband is very confident in himself because whenever he's discouraged, I'll be there,always telling him that he's talented, he's good, he can do it and he will be very successful.
If a wife everyday tells her husband," You're stupid, you're useless, you're bad, you're a loser..."
Then you know what will happen to that man.
He will really become an ass as expected.
As wives, we want to pay attention when we give judgements on our husbands.
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