Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Financial Problems in Marriage » Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 11-20-2010, 10:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

I have a real go-gettum personality, I like to be successful at whatever I do, I like to work hard. One of the reasons, I fell in love with my husband was that he was so mellow. As opposites, in this and other areas, we balanced each other.

My husband was laid off from his job 2 years ago. Just a couple of weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. At first my husband looked for a job, and we were still sending our older child to daycare (I work full-time) so he could spend his time looking for a job. But he did not look very hard... he mostly searched eBay or craiglist for things to buy.

Eventually, I took the older child out of daycare to stay at home with dad. Even though we live the country, my husband and older child stay inside watching TV. They rarely leave the house, unless it is to go buy something. The TV consumes so much of their time. They rarely heed my requests to turn it off. I bought a "TV timer" device, to limit their TV time but they whined all the time... when I would not give in, my husband removed the device [by force].

Our second child was born a year ago. And my husband has been the caregiver for the baby, while I am at work. This is nice, babies should be with family.

We live a simple life, and even though my husband has been without a job for two years, we have gotten by just fine without his income... but now we are starting to dip into our savings. I'm trying to start my own side business and he's indicating that I shouldn't because of our finances... but its fine that he has a new $500 guitar he never plays and $1,000 in bow-hunting equipment even though he doesn't hunt and hasn't gone hunting (he purchased these new ideas in the last 1.5 years.... spending MONTHS researching the right item to purchase... but then never uses them).

If I bring up getting a job I am accused of NAGGING. I get upset that he WASTES SO MUCH TIME IN FRONT OF THE TV. I've even dragged the TV out of the house and said its her or me. Sounds like I'm crazy, but I'm desperate... the TV is ruining my family... my husband and older child are so addicted... they are so lazy and I'm going crazy with having to pick up the slack.

Also, my husband just clams up and won't talk if I ask him about getting a job. "I'll take care of it," he says. I did not pester him at all about getting a job while the baby was under a year... but now that baby is over one, I ask him about it. I can't talk to rocks... why won't he just a job. Why does he act like his lack of getting a job has nothing to do with our dwindling finances. If I bring this up he clams up, I'm nagging, he'll take care of it.

Any advice welcome!!!
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Old 11-20-2010, 10:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

well the first thing you could do is stop paying for the tv and give him an allowance. if he is not working you have the right to ration his money. my H is the bread winner in our family and he gives me an allowance which i fully respect. if he makes the money he gets to say how its spent. so that is one thing you can do.
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Old 11-20-2010, 10:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

We live a simple life and don't pay for TV (thank god they don't service us out here). I have considered limiting his access to our money... I have hesitated because I'm not good with managing finances... I'm good at making money and squirreling it away, but when it comes time to pay bills I am so forgetful... but perhaps your right... all I have to remember is to pay three bills a month.
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Old 11-21-2010, 07:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fameflower View Post
We live a simple life and don't pay for TV (thank god they don't service us out here). I have considered limiting his access to our money... I have hesitated because I'm not good with managing finances... I'm good at making money and squirreling it away, but when it comes time to pay bills I am so forgetful... but perhaps your right... all I have to remember is to pay three bills a month.
Well, you're on here so I'm guessing you have a computer. There are programs on every computer that give you a calendar, or Google has a calendar. Put the bills that are due on the calendar on the day they are due, and set it to remind you. You can usually set it to remind you at least a few days in advance, and when that reminder comes up, you can "snooze" it to remind you again when the bill is closer.

If he's not able to control his spending, then you have to take over and do it for him. My boyfriend is the sole income for us, and while I let him have a lot of freedom since he does earn the money, if money is tight or getting tight, I will let him know and tell him he can only spend X amount. He respects that because he knows that I'm not trying to just be a b*tch, but that I'm trying to keep us out of the poor house and working towards our goal of being able to buy a house at some reasonable point in the future.

When you have kids, especially, you have to be careful with money. You don't want to come down to a choice between paying the electric bill and feeding your kids. And if that means that you have to treat him like a little boy and give him an allowance, well, that's what you do. If he argues with you, then you tell him to get a job. If he takes that as nagging, oh, well. You need to stand up for yourself, and your children. While you're at it, if he doesn't want to get a job, and wants to stay home with the kids, then he needs to act as the stay at home parent: he needs to play with the kids, clean the house, prepare the meals, do the laundry, etc. You don't mention whether he's doing any of that, but given your complaint that he's lazy and all they do is sit in front of the TV, I'm guessing he doesn't.
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

When my husband was working (50 hour week) he would growl if the bed wasn't made, the dishes weren't done, or the clothing were not folded... it was assumed to be my responsibility because I was only working 40 hours a week. Now as a stay at home dad the bed doesn't get made, the clothes don't get folded and I still come home to undone dishes. I've mentioned the double-standard several times... its like talking to a rock.

However, it is not like he is doing nothing... he does the grocery shopping, gets our oldest off to school, dinner is often ready when I get home, he fills the gas tank (in two years, I've only had to fill-up less than 10 times), mops the kitchen weekly and cleans the bathroom and he fixes broken machinery, even our vehicle (saving us thousands).

I am the only one to ever take the children anywhere (hiking, swimming, library, etc.). I do the majority of educational things with the kids. My husband is content to plop them in front of the TV (where he is also).

His useful activities take up very little of his time... the rest of the time is spent in front of the TV or researching some new thing to buy on the computer... not looking for a job, not making the beds, not folding the clothes. This irks me to no end, especially since I have very little leisure time... I'm easy going, maybe too easy going, but lately I feel like my husband is a parasite draining the life out of me. I've voiced my concerns, but again its like talking to a rock.
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Old 11-21-2010, 09:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

it sounds like things are tense at home because of money. i know his lassitude is an issue but maybe tackle one thing at a time. why not start with managing the finances first. set up a budget for you both. my H and i have separate bank accounts where a certain amount of money is deposited weekly. we can spend that money however we want, but once its gone its gone. we also do not have over-draft options so we cannot overdraft our accounts. we also have one savings account but i do not have access to that account. only my H has the cards, passwords, etc for that account.

if i have bills due i usually put it in my phone and on a calendar that hangs on the wall. some credit cards also let you schedule the payment in advance or let you do automatic monthly minimum payments. i only use one credit card because its the only card that allows me to schedule the payment in advance. i dont trust myself to remember.
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Old 11-22-2010, 07:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

I just wish he would do what it right... get a job... at least look for a job.

I'm was fine with him being a stay-at-home-dad when we could afford it, but now that we are dipping into savings to cover expenses this is not the case.

We've talked about a budget and mostly stick to it... I guess I'm the one who doesn't want to stick to one, why should I have to not make small capital purchases for a business I want to start, why should I not get to buy books I want to buy, or take a continuing ed class I want to, or take the kids out... when it is my husband's lack of employment that is strapping us... ARGHH just get a JOB Dear!!! He doesn't even make an effort. I'm tired of rearranging my life because of his laziness. ...

Limiting his access to funds may be a tipping factor.
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

He actually looked for jobs today!!!
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

I am happy to report that my husband will be starting a new job January 3rd!!!
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Old 12-22-2010, 12:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

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I am happy to report that my husband will be starting a new job January 3rd!!!


that's fantastic!
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Old 01-11-2011, 12:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband refuses to look for a job (2 years)

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I am happy to report that my husband will be starting a new job January 3rd!!!
Congrats-that's great news!
I hope it works out for you guys. It's a tough economy out there in the USA right now. Canada is doing better with jobs right now. I know I was out of work from Dec 08 - March 09. It was tough on my wife-I felt terrible about this too. I looked hard for work but there was just nothing to be had.
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