DvHH

Hello Mrs. Tina,

i understand he should pay her what he owes and that you SAY that you agree but --do you REALLY mean this?
Or are you just saying it?

I don't believe you meant this at all-- because you ended your post with this contradictory statement:

"So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are worng because the only thing that should matter is the child but people dont thing like that and when you dont your only hurting the child cause their the one that matters"

You hit the nail on the head that "the children are all that matters."

THIS is WHY the ex wife wants her money back because she KNEW that her children matter.

Meanwhile, your husband clearly did not think his kids mattered at ALL. That' why he stiffed them out of 20 years' worth of court-ordered child-support!

(Aren't you the least bit CONCERNED that he's going to do the exact same thing to you and your son? This is how he operates. You wait and see.)

Now, when you made that statement Mrs. Tina, were you talking about the well-being of Children in general?

No
I believe you are referring to the well-being of YOUR OWN child.

The well-being of YOUR child is not that woman's responsibility and it is not her responsibility to overlook that debt your husband owes.

You're worried about the well being of your son.
Your son's well-being is ALSO the responsibility of your husband.

THAT's the problem.

That ex wife is not going to overlook the debt owed to her by her ex husband in PITY for you and YOUR son.
Why should she?
Nobody helped HER when SHE was in need. Plus, your son represents to her a slap i her face that your selfish husband dares to bring yet another child into this world who he cannot support.
(Shame on him)

You can forget about that woman not wanting her money right now.
It ain't gonna happen.
(And it shouldn't either.)


The well-being of her children is why she was willing to SACRIFICE out of her OWN cost of living intended for taking care of her self for the sake of her kids.... and do whatever it took topay for the kids' upbringing.
Now she wants her money back.
She deserves it back.
You are right when you opened your post, saying that you agree she deserves to get her money returned.

Now --stick with that thought and do not contradict yourself with your closing statement:

" So to all the moms out their who feel like your kids father owes you something you are wrong "



I think your point is that you are understandably in panic-mode because you cannot see how on earth you and your baby boy are going to survive.
I am sure his ex wife felt much the same when he did not help to financially support his kids for 20 years.

Unfortunately, while i sympathize deeply with how this current situation is stressful and causing you much anguish as a Mother, yourself, I have to say that your Husband is an EXTREMELY IRRESPONSIBLE MAN who has gotten himself into a great deal of financial strife, for which you and your beloved baby boy are suffering. (And you ARE suffering)

You must not blame the lady to whom he has incurred this outlandish debt for your and your son's situation.

He is entirely responsible for creating this horrible situation.
you are responsible for marrying a man with no money and then agreeing to have a baby with him.

if i were you, I'd file for divorce, work from home, hire a sitter or take a course over the computer or go to night school so i could get a good job.

By the looks of this guy's track-record, you're not going to be supported properly by this man. He's too deep in debt.

I do suspect you did not know about his irresponsibility and poverty at the time.


The ex wife was clever and industrious enough to figure out how to survive this nightmare HE put her into.
She sacrificed her own happiness and life's dreams (at the time) to do whatever she had to do to put bread on the table, clothe and house her children. She is to be commended,for the sacrifices she was FORCED to make because of your husband; laxing off on his moral and legal and parental responsibilities.

Just because NOW she is back on her feet and doing OK now, don't punish her by saying she is selfish for wanting to be to be compensated for this debt he owes her.

She's understandably angry that he put her in that horrible situation and she wants justice: She deserves her money back and not to have to wait and take tiny wee payments from him.
She has already waited 20 years.
The money is long since past due.

She is not going to take pity on you or your husband because now, you're basically in the identical situation she was in, only you only have ONE child where she had TWO....and you at least still have him.

She did everything all by her self.

I can only assume that when he met you he created the illusion that he could afford to wine, dine and seduce you. I can safely assume he did not take you on dates to the local Church soup-kitchen.No. No sane woman would allow herself to be courted by such a blatant popper.

He showed you a good time with what he was PRESENTING to you to be his "SURPLUS" cash, when, in reality:he had NO surplus money at all. He entered into your relationship while neck-deep in DEBT.("Nice guy")

He was wooing you on cash that was intended to pay back for the support owes to the Mother of his children that she was forced to pay.

He basically disrespected his children, his first wife and you under false pretenses...charmed you with the illusion he was not broke..

He must have hidden this big FACT from you when he met you.

Surely he did not meet you and announce "Oh by the way, I am in DEEP debt to my ex for 20 years back child support" and am flat broke-I know! Let's get married and have a baby and live in poverty!"

You would have (wisely) run away!

He may SEEM be a NICE man Mrs. Tina but really--come on.
"Nice" men do not do this and "NICE" does not pay the bills. Money does.

Honestly, did you know he was THIS broke when you married him?
I doubt it.

On a final closing note:
You mention that "ex wives these days of being all about money"
But you know in your heart that MONEY is a necessity of LIFE in our Society.
No money = no food or power or nice things for your baby.

YOU need money from your husband to raise your baby.
So did the first wife.
He did not give her any money. For 20 years!
Imagine?
What would you Do right now if suddenly you had not one penny from him to help support your baby?
Well, that is what she had to figure out but with TWO babies!

As your child ages, the cost of parenting is going to go up a LOT. Kids are very expensive!
You don't want your kid to go to school on empty stomach with old, ratty, undersized clothes and the other kids tease him.

Imagine now if your husband refused to help you at all for money to feed your baby.

Imagine he gave you no money for the rent or formula or diapers.
Imagine it was entirely up to YOU to figure out how to make that money for the next 20 years.

Imagine you figure out a way to make this happen and you SACRIFICE your lie's dreams to do it.

This would be so hard on your Mrs.Tina.

You are Married and you don't even know how you're going to survive.

imagine if your husband left you and did that.
What woul you DO?

Well, this is exactly what your 'wonderful' husband DID to that poor ex wife of his.

He made her do it all by her self.
The nights she must have spent crying and worrying how she is going to feed those babies and pay for day care.
You should speak with her and ask her all she went through.

He took off and did not help her one penny for 20 YEARS.
The woman wants her money back..
She is mad as hell and she wants justice.
I don't blame her one bit.
Do YOU?

Don't blame her for that.

That bit of cash he was ordered to pay her was probably a drop in the bucket financially of the TRUE amount she spent on her kids monthly.

And that money does not make up for her all those nights by herself doing EVERYTHING aside from JUST the financial aspect of parenting.
She must have been chronically exhausted!

Imagine? Lonely, scared. all by herself with not one but 2 babies to care for 20 years.

She had it 2 times as hard as you have it...and she had no husband there like you do.

He left her alone to fend for herself.

You could probably learn a lot from this woman.

You should talk to her.
Ask her how she managed. I bet she could give you some good survival advice o how to raise a child on your own.

If you met her before you got married, she would have KINDLY warned you to stay away from this man who does not honor his child support.

look at his history.
Learn from his history.

I know a man who works 3 jobs to support his kids.
Drives a cab at night, teaches guitar lessons on weekends and works part time job in day during the week.


People who don't care about money are never going to get money.
Your husband owes a debt and he must pay it.

I understand that you need the money more than the now affluent ex wife. I get what you are saying but he owes her that. An she is not going to suddenly be feeling NICE to him and giving that man who ripped her of a big gentle heart of charity.
So forget that option or the injustice that you seem to see.
HE is to blame. Not ex wife.

He might not be a bad man but he is a foolish man in debt.
I say "foolish" quite confidently because only a fool would bring yet anther baby into this world when he failed to finance the other 2 kids f or 20 years.


YOU want and need that money he owes HER for YOUR baby....because you DO care about money.And well you should. I understand. But it is not your money and it is not his money.
It is the money belonging wife of the Mother of his 2 other children.

You married the wrong man who cannot provide for you and your son.

So, what are you going do NOW?
You're n a very desperate situation.
You need to investigate your alternative options.


You're in a panic. Maybe consider contacting some government services to see what your options are.

You're living now in abject poverty by the sounds of it and are surely qualified to make use of food banks, free used clothing banks and possibly even government funded re-education or student loans so you can get an education.

There's all sorts of government funded free resources a person in your position can use.Go to your local place of worship or welfare office / food bank and start asking questions.Tell them your situation.. Get informed. Get some assistance so you and your son don't end up in even more dire straights.

Poverty is not a powerful aphrodisiac.
Your marriage might suffer.
Best to have as many options investigated for you and your son.

But in this situation with the Ex Wife and her money,
she needs and deserves that money to be replenished.

Like I said,
This is not about the ex wife's 'revenge" or lack of "kindness".
This is about BUSINESS..


I don't know what to suggest for you other than to start thinking heavily about an escape route: a Plan B of what you shall do in the event your husband bails on you and your beloved son.

Husband made his bad and now he must face the consequences.

Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd consider taking a job working from home taking delivery orders on the phone for some fast food place; something where you can work from home OR maybe working at night or a time when your husband can take care of his son. 2 income family.

OR you could watch other people's kids from your home for a job along with your own. Lots of Mothers do this.

If you decide to divorce your husband , lets see how long you "don't care about money" and getting his child support for YOUR own son.
How will YOU support your OWN baby?
Be careful because this man has a documented track-record of not paying his debts.

if you found yourself to be a single Mother, I fear you' too would be in the same situation as the previous wife because his past behavior shows he'd not pay YOU your owe child support either.

I wish you and your son good fortune.
This is not at all your fault and I hope things improve.

FourtyPlus

Not sure if there are more affordable options to rent in your area but you can work on bringing down your utility bill and you can certainly cancel your cable. Cut your utility bill by 1/3 and cut out the cable, that's an extra $150 in your pocket each month.

FrozenFyre

I know all too well about the issue of back child support. My fiance has five - yes, that's right, FIVE - children that he currently is paying arrears for.

I am well aware that he will be paying for the rest of his life.

My fiance is a responsible man - but let's face it, five children is a LOT to be paying for. He went through a very ugly divorce, and he literally got SCREWED. He is now serving what is essentially a life sentence, but he pays as much as he can, when he can. When child support tables dictate that ONE child is worth over 300 dollars a month - ONE???!!!?? - multiply that by five, and you have a man that basically is an indentured servant.

We don't argue the facts. The kids are here. He pays for them. It means that our two-income household is basically a ONE-income household - because he sure can't contribute anything to our finances. I understand that. I can't expect him to.

Two of his children are approaching 18 years old. But he'll still pay for them for the rest of his life.

The only advice that I can offer you is to strip down as much as you can, and help him out, because with the way the child support laws are skewed, you can bet that he'll end up just like my fiance - an indentured servant. It's not right. It's NOT fair. But it's the way it is.

I'm aware that this is a hot-button topic, and I'm not saying that child support shouldn't be awarded. But the amounts are simply sky-high, and in my view, exorbitant and excessive.

ETA: Just to clarify, my situation is not similar to the OP's; my fiance's troubles was initiated by his ex-wife because of infidelity on her part, and she unfortunately got everything in the divorce, including custody, child support and nearly all marital assets. He was left with virtually nothing. We are gearing up for a court fight for at least visitation; he doesn't even get that. And yet he's not bitter. He should be, because I'd be mad as hell.

His ex-wife still deserves the support money. We're not in argument over that. We're in argument over the fact that it's all 100% skewed her way, as of right now. That WILL change.

EleGirl

So your husband did not tell you the truth about his obligations before you had a baby with him? IT’s him you should be very upset with.

What the two of you should have done is paid off the child support and then had your own baby. with the two of you working it could have been paid off in much less time.

You say he did not pay for a while because he was not employed, and now his pay is lower. Did he go to court to have it lowered when he was not employed? How about when he could not find a job at the higher pay? Now he does not want to go to court?

I have no doubt that if you were the first wife with the two children you would do the same thing she is doing.

You are going to have to do something more than you are doing. One thing you can do is to do child care in your home. You can probably do your own little business at the same time. There are usually state requirements but it’s not that hard to get certified. This way you can be home with your child.

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EleGirl

FrozenFyre,

What state was the divorce in that she got everything and he did to even get visitation? That does not even follow what the law dictates. Didn’t he have an attorney?

Why is he behind on child support?

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FrozenFyre

Same reason as Mrs. Tina; job loss, economy down, struggling. With 5 kids, that adds up VERY quickly.

The divorce occurred in Texas. Visitation wasn't an issue until he moved out of state - now she's giving him hell because she doesn't want her kids traveling 1000 miles and she says "it costs too much" to send them all. (She may have a point with that one, but still.)

Visitation only applies to three of them now because the two oldest are more or less adults and can decide for themselves at this point.

I'm not saying that his ex-wife (or any parent) is wrong in wanting child support - they're not, and they certainly do deserve it, it takes two to create children. I just think that what's wrong is the amounts that the courts expect people to pay - it's simply not realistic. 300 a month for one child, fine. 300 x 5? Unlivable. How can someone be expected to work or even afford to GET to work to pay that kind of money if they can't even afford a place to live?

Sorry for the soapbox, but I have strong opinions on this issue. As a child of divorced parents myself, I've seen how difficult it is when a single parent attempts to raise a child alone - I was there. My mother got 12.50 a WEEK for me - that's right, 12.50 a week. Fifty dollars a month. Granted, it was 1975, but that's still not very much even by 1970s standards.

Trust me, I KNOW how unfair it can be.

Ayla

$1500 a month for five children is grocery money and maybe 1-2 utilities unless you feed the kids ramen and baloney and you live in a trailer park. It's a lot for dad to pay but I doubt mom is living the high life off that amount of money. What's the alternative? Sorry kids but dad has to live too so kick rocks? Dad's got five kids so life stinks but mom loses out too...she has five children to take care of mostly alone. If he is an indentured servant so is the mother of his children. The term is usually 18-21years for both parties when you bring children into the world. What's the alternative? Reduce his support and let mom go on govt assistance? Let the tax payers pick up the slack so that dad is not punished? So what if he made five kids he has a right to move on and start over? Having kid's really is like a prison sentence. Choosing to have them means your life goes on hold until they are of age. This might mean getting a second job, or not dating, or sacrificing another marriage and future children for both ex-spouses.

turnera

You keep saying that, but I'm confused: Once they turn 18, they are adults and SHOULD be expected to take care of themselves financially, unless you are helping them pay for college. Other than that, parents should NOT be supporting 18+ children financially. To do so actually harms them because they aren't learning to take care of themselves. So, technically, aside from maybe a wedding or some such, his financial responsibility will be over.

turnera

FF, why did they get divorced?

Ayla

Realistically? How many 18 year olds are in a position to be financially independent? You have a H.S diploma at best. You haven't had a chance to finish college or a trade program for that matter. Should mom pack a cardboard suitcase and tell the kid to get lost? Yes, the kid should have at least part time work and use it to help themselves or the household... if they can even find work with the poor economy. Legally dad's responsiblity is over at 18 unless the kid is in college but that doesn't make it right. My bf ex stopped sending cs when their son turned 18 but continued sending money directly to his son at that point so mom wasn't left 100% on the hook just because it's legal to do it.

turnera

Ok, assuming this 18 year old is not in college (during which I will keep supporting my child until she graduates and maybe 6 months afterward)...

What's wrong with finding 3 or 4 friends and sharing an apartment? You learn how to spend money wisely, you learn negotiation to keep from getting kicked out, you learn to value your job and treat it (and your bosses) with respect. You learn to cook cheaply. You learn to love resale shops. You learn how to work 2 jobs if you have to, like people did in the past (and some people still do).

In other words, you learn to be self-sufficient, which is your parent's primary job. You aren't doing your kids any favors by letting them live with you just because times are tough. McDonalds will always be hiring.

Bobby5000

You may want to evaluate filing this on your own. Obviously since your husband is having difficulty paying support, the lawyer will want sufficient money upfront.

that_girl

His kids are grown...is this college fees?

My dad stopped when I was 18. College wasn't written into it. They had no dreams for me LOL kidding...

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that_girl

I got student loans, a job, and went to college. Wtf. People baby their kids too much these days...which is why it's hard to find a real adult under the age of 25.

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SunnyT

No, it's back pay from years he didn't pay anything. It doesn't go to the kids... it goes to the mom as back pay.

It's fair.