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Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 04-15-2011, 07:29 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsUncertain View Post
Thank you to each one of you who took out time to reply to this post.It helped me to look into the issue more rationally than emotionally,because when I started this thread I was really hurt and angry.

I recently found a part time job that doesn't pay me much but a lot better than nothing.I have been looking for something for almost 3 months and when I finally got this offer,I felt relieved.But when I got my first ever salary,I felt good about myself.

My husband now helps me in the morning to get 'our' child get ready for School and sometimes helps him with homework while I am fixing the dinner.As someone mentioned,I realized that he probably felt I would just stay home for ever and never get a job which would put more burden on him,if we go ahead and have baby.

At school, my co-workers joke that pay day is the happiest day!

I am a part time teacher, I often count my hours and calculate how much money I make! Good feeling!

I am very happy that your situation has improved!
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:49 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MsUncertain View Post
Thank you to each one of you who took out time to reply to this post.It helped me to look into the issue more rationally than emotionally,because when I started this thread I was really hurt and angry.

I recently found a part time job that doesn't pay me much but a lot better than nothing.I have been looking for something for almost 3 months and when I finally got this offer,I felt relieved.But when I got my first ever salary,I felt good about myself.

My husband now helps me in the morning to get 'our' child get ready for School and sometimes helps him with homework while I am fixing the dinner.As someone mentioned,I realized that he probably felt I would just stay home for ever and never get a job which would put more burden on him,if we go ahead and have baby.
Good for you!!!! That is wonderful. Now take your paycheck and sock it away in a savings account. You two have been living off of his income and this money is now extra. That's a fantastic position to be in. Before you know it, your paycheck will build up a healthy savings account, savings that can be used for a down payment on a house. As I mentioned earlier, home ownership is one of the best things you can do for the two of you and also for your child and any future children. It provides stability, a place all your own (your own paint, carpet, etc.) and the two of you owning something that historically is one of the best investments you can make.
I know you were emotional. I get that, I really do. You want a second child and you felt he valued money over everything. He went about it the wrong way, for sure. He does have a point though. Put down some roots before you bring new roots in to the world. Bring your new baby in to a house you two own.
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:50 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Brennan,

I agree with you!

Having your own place is very enjoyable!

When we rented, we trie to make everything simple. We didn't want to buy nice furniture, we didn't want to buy kitchen stuff. We ate out everyday! Food was not healthy!

Now we have our own place, even though it is small, but it is still our own. Now we can really arrange our place the way we want. Nice furniture and all the other facilities! It is comfortable and fits our needs!

My husband keeps on telling me how happy he is for having our place!
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:07 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

I'm sorry, but if you think $65k is $40k after taxes, you are not properly planning or managing your money. That's an effective tax rate of 23%.

If you are putting money aside for retirement (401k, IRA), saving money for family health in a Health Savings Account, etc. your tax rate would not be 23%. Think about meeting with a CPA to maximize the money you work hard for.

My wife and I had a combined income of just over $70k in 2010. Our total federal tax liability was about $1,500 for the year. We only have one kid. We can write off $3k of daycare (although we spent nearly $7k). Put almost $3k in 401k, about $2k in HSA, buying a home (mortgage interest), and also have a mortgage on a rental (from a home we couldn't sell due to the housing market, had no choice but to move for job transfer).

But notice, aside from daycare, all the other money is going to investments. The government has tax codes in place to encourage you to invest and save your money. Do it! Take full advantage, because one day we are bound to lose those benefits... but the government cannot take what is already yours. They can only take what they provide to you (food stamps, welfare, section 8, unemployment, etc.).

Stop worrying about going on vacation THIS year, or NEXT year. Save your money, reward yourself with simple family getaways on occasion, and be sure that you, your spouse and your kid(s) has a great long-term future to look forward to.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:58 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

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Stop worrying about going on vacation THIS year, or NEXT year. Save your money, reward yourself with simple family getaways on occasion, and be sure that you, your spouse and your kid(s) has a great long-term future to look forward to.
This is sound advice. A few years ago my wife and I were making a combined income of $75 K with three kids. The week before I lost my job, my wife and I found out that she was pregnant with our fourth child. Terrible timing. However, we have lived off of savings while I start my new business and now that our baby is going to be weened in about 3 or 4 month, she will be working again. The savings have been a God send for us to live off of.
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:57 AM   #21 (permalink)
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You may have to do some long term planning, maybe 10 years out. This can include when he will accomplish his goals and how a second child can fit in there. You may have to do some extreme budgeting to make it happen. As many have stated before $65,000 is not that much money considering having to save for college funds, maintain emergency funds and savings, and funding travel and leisure activities, in addition to providing the daily basics. Maybe when you all do your budgeting, you can let him know you're willing to help out by spending less, using thrift stores, acquiring used items, and working part time. Part time work will still allow you to spend a good amount of time with your children while bring in some income.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsUncertain View Post
I am 33 year old woman with one child and no job.I am married for the past 9 years and my husband has a decent job earning $65k.

For many years now our marriage has run into troubles.He wants me to work and I didn't want to until my child is in kindergarten.This year he is going to kindergarten and I am looking for options to start earning.Having stayed at home for so long I am little worried about my job options but I do realize that to give my child a better future I need to work anyway.

As I am approaching 35 I also want to plan my second child as soon as possible.But he doesn't want a second child.Because he needs to buy a house and plan a vacation to our home country,invest in more properties,save for retirement fund,save for my child's college etc.Everything seems to be about Money these days and it doesn't matter to him anymore what I want.

His conversations almost always steer towards money or financial security or how his friends have bought their own houses because of 2 salaries.Some of them have kids too.He wants their lifestyle.And he says that's not possible with one salary.

For the past 8 years that we have lived here I never used any cleaning services to clean up house,except once when his parents came over for a few days.I don't get my nails done.I have had probably 3 haircuts so far.I wish to have a neat home with nice bedding and kitchen utensils.Every time I go to store to buy something I get scared that this will end up in an argument.So I avoid.He checks the credit card statement carefully every time and makes note of anything that looks unusual and inquires about the amount as if I was stealing from his a/c.

When his parents came over,he spent on a holiday to Florida.Got them a lot of gifts.Never once asked me about it and it's OK because,Your parents come once in a while.But when my parents came during my pregnancy he treated them like they are a burden.He never got anything for them.And when we went to visit our home country he refused to buy a camera for my brother because it's $300.I begged him to do it this ONE time and he wouldn't.

The stress is building everyday.I look after my child,house and get most of the groceries.I attend everything in his school and keep things up to date.But all my husband can see is my financial worth equals zero.

He keeps reading books,magazines,watches movies,surfs internet plays sports.He does everything for himself and these days he has no time for me or my child.He is talking philosophy these days.Says life is short and that he wasted a lot of time and now he needs to either gain knowledge or make money.

We hardly talk to each other anymore.Don't eat dinner together.Everything is mechanical.It hurts me when he talks to his friends about how wives should not stay home and they need to work and go on and on in front of me to make me feel bad.We have other friends who have planned their second pregnancies over finding a job.Because a job can wait but not having child.He hates them for wasting time.

I suddenly feel I don't know this guy anymore.Our point of views are different but for a marriage to work something has to be in common.And I am trying to find that.

Does anyone here have similar problems?
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:25 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

It's not right, but it's not many households that get to enjoy a good life on a single income anymore.
Those who say money isn't everything, we'll I'm not a believer in that. Money gets your kids a good education so that maybe they can live the single income good life in the future. Money keeps a fuel efficent reliable car in the driveway so you can get to work without going broke. Money allows taking vacations and getting to spend time with your family instead of passing the kids back and forth between babysitters and relatives while both work.
Kudo's to any sig. other who pushes that agenda for the long term future success of a family...and shame on those who scold them for doing so.
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Old 08-12-2011, 06:03 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Question, did you both discuss your financial future before the baby? Did you BOTH agree that you would stay home?

The reason I ask is because my STBX unilaterally decided to stay home regardless of my input. She said she was going to eventually get a job yet she demanded to be wined and dined on the weekends on my income.

From your post it looks like there was either a miscommunication in financial matters or expectations or you are getting used to the idea of not working. Some men expect their wives to bring in some income especially if the kids are in school.
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Old 08-19-2011, 02:26 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

$65k is plenty of money for a family of four; but a million bucks a year isn't enough if you don't do it right. Single-earner used to be the standard, and nobody starved to death over it; we just learned to live within our means. So make your choices on something other than financial.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:57 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Just a reminder to check how much your paychecks have made in interest if you are in deed putting it away into savings.

Money worries can put a lot of stress on a marriage, has your husband's work and job situation remained stable? Again, if you are "paying yourself" using savings then that does shore-up any instability that can come around the bend.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:23 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

It really is his decisions whether he wants another child or not. It is a mutual decision to bring a child into the world and you can't make his mind up for him, though you are entitled to express your desires. It is also good that you are considering your age in this and realize that there will come a time when another child is not really possible either logistically or biologically, however not having more children doesn't make you any less of a parent. That deadline is apparently closing so you need to decide if this is truly a dealbreaker for you, and if so you need to start looking at your other options.

I'm not suggesting walking out of your marriage or using this to threaten your H, but he does need to realize that this is very important to you. If having a second child is more important to you than building your existing family and growing old with your H then you will always be regretful and sad about this, so you do need to learn to accept life for what it is and either find fulfillment with what you have or if not then to go out on your own and find it. To me its an easy choice, but my set of fears are altogether different so won't pretend to tell you what the right choice is. Good luck!
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:56 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

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$65k is plenty of money for a family of four; but a million bucks a year isn't enough if you don't do it right. Single-earner used to be the standard, and nobody starved to death over it; we just learned to live within our means. So make your choices on something other than financial.
$65K is really pushing it in expensive areas such as wher I live in the San Francisco Bay area. A studio apartment costs $1200, Two bedroom apartment $1800 a month. Three bedrooms? Over $2K.

Landlords want three times income to qualify for the rental.

So a $2K 2-bedroom apartment requires $6K monthly income.

That's $72K a year.
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Old 10-21-2011, 03:34 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Get your money right before you have another child. Your husband is right to be thinking about stability.

My best friend just had her first kid, yet she is forced to live with her mother. The child's father is lazy, so before the baby was born, they were living off of her money and staying at his cousin's. Now the baby is being raised by government handouts, which makes me angry. Taxpayers should not have to pay for children that are not theirs.
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:10 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want second child but my husband wants money

Hello Madam,
I want to give my honest opinion and also ask for apologizes if what I say is what you do not want to hear.

Firstly, Please do not proclaim that yours is a unhappy marriage because your husband is not treating you well. At the end of the day he is still your husband and more importantly the father of your child. He had so far already given your one kid and does pay the bills. Greatest misery nowadays that people are not content with what they already have but are unhappy/disappointed with expectations. When their expectations are not met or not fulfilled then all kinds of reasoning is invented/discovered to justify their expectations.
He is that. he is not treating me well. he is not treating my parents well. bla bla bla...

Secondly -- If he is paying the bills let him decide if he can afford for a second child or not. You should not be the decision maker in that regard.

Thirdly -- I do not see a good reason that you(or your husband) will be more happy with second child if your not happy with one child. As a matter of fact , I believe another kid might further complicate your married life.

Fourthly - You will not achieve or benefit by projecting a darker image ( though real) about your husband because no person reading this blog be able to change your husbands mentality. On the contrary you had in some sense put forth a darker image of your self by saying bad about your husband. Do not forget, this person is still your husband and more important he is still the father of your child and I am sure he loves the kid as much as you do . for example, None of the people reading this blog would pay you a dime if you add some text saying that your kid is sick. It is your husband who should and who will come to your child's rescue. Respect , honor and feel lucky. Please think in that perspective also.

Fifthly -- I do not totally believe what is being proclaimed by you here because it is only your part of the story. You husband did not add any text on his behalf explaining his problems with you, marriage and his decision of having only one kid.

Sixth - You should not even have one kid if you think you are not being treated well by your husband. You should have communicated with your parents first and taken their advice. Parents will always give you the best advice . You should at-least tell your problems to them now.

Seven - Here everybody writes there opinion which may not be in your best interest. on the contrary it is an amusement for people reading this stories. The onus falls on you to be matured and do the needful to fix your marriage. I believe second child is not important at all in these circumstances.

Eight --If you decide to continue your marriage which I think you should for the safety, welfare and good up-bringing of your child do not think that "MARRIAGE IS A CAKE WALK" for anybody in this world.

nine -- what ever house, investments, properties, retirement money he is talking about is in your and kids best interest. Therefore you should be happy about it if you really love your child.

Tenthly -- I personally think he is a responsible husband but you are projecting bad about him because he is not honoring your request to have a second child. And ofcourse , he does seem to be concerned that if he cannot make those investments or retirement savings with one child like his peers, how can he manage with second kid. Please understand from his perspective and may be you will change your opinion

LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST -- living happily is most important than having one kid or two kids. Try to be happy with what ever you have. Almighty you are still gifted that you have parents, husband, kid. there are many more in the world with nothing of that sort.

I apologize for a had tone in replying to this blog but I given a heart-full answer as I am going through the same situation.
I am married since 7 yrs and having one year old baby girl. we always wanted to have one kid but now her options are changed.
The reason is -- she talks one phone with lot of her friends. All her friends are either planning for second child or just had a second child. Now she feels that she is falling behind in the rat race. If all are having two kids then we should also have two kids- Isn't that stupid.

All in all -- I love my kid and I am a caring father. I am sure your husband is a caring father and loves his KID.

Good luck and take care..




Quote:
Originally Posted by MsUncertain View Post
I am 33 year old woman with one child and no job.I am married for the past 9 years and my husband has a decent job earning $65k.

For many years now our marriage has run into troubles.He wants me to work and I didn't want to until my child is in kindergarten.This year he is going to kindergarten and I am looking for options to start earning.Having stayed at home for so long I am little worried about my job options but I do realize that to give my child a better future I need to work anyway.

As I am approaching 35 I also want to plan my second child as soon as possible.But he doesn't want a second child.Because he needs to buy a house and plan a vacation to our home country,invest in more properties,save for retirement fund,save for my child's college etc.Everything seems to be about Money these days and it doesn't matter to him anymore what I want.

His conversations almost always steer towards money or financial security or how his friends have bought their own houses because of 2 salaries.Some of them have kids too.He wants their lifestyle.And he says that's not possible with one salary.

For the past 8 years that we have lived here I never used any cleaning services to clean up house,except once when his parents came over for a few days.I don't get my nails done.I have had probably 3 haircuts so far.I wish to have a neat home with nice bedding and kitchen utensils.Every time I go to store to buy something I get scared that this will end up in an argument.So I avoid.He checks the credit card statement carefully every time and makes note of anything that looks unusual and inquires about the amount as if I was stealing from his a/c.

When his parents came over,he spent on a holiday to Florida.Got them a lot of gifts.Never once asked me about it and it's OK because,Your parents come once in a while.But when my parents came during my pregnancy he treated them like they are a burden.He never got anything for them.And when we went to visit our home country he refused to buy a camera for my brother because it's $300.I begged him to do it this ONE time and he wouldn't.

The stress is building everyday.I look after my child,house and get most of the groceries.I attend everything in his school and keep things up to date.But all my husband can see is my financial worth equals zero.

He keeps reading books,magazines,watches movies,surfs internet plays sports.He does everything for himself and these days he has no time for me or my child.He is talking philosophy these days.Says life is short and that he wasted a lot of time and now he needs to either gain knowledge or make money.

We hardly talk to each other anymore.Don't eat dinner together.Everything is mechanical.It hurts me when he talks to his friends about how wives should not stay home and they need to work and go on and on in front of me to make me feel bad.We have other friends who have planned their second pregnancies over finding a job.Because a job can wait but not having child.He hates them for wasting time.

I suddenly feel I don't know this guy anymore.Our point of views are different but for a marriage to work something has to be in common.And I am trying to find that.

Does anyone here have similar problems?
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