MsUncertain

I am 33 year old woman with one child and no job.I am married for the past 9 years and my husband has a decent job earning $65k.

For many years now our marriage has run into troubles.He wants me to work and I didn't want to until my child is in kindergarten.This year he is going to kindergarten and I am looking for options to start earning.Having stayed at home for so long I am little worried about my job options but I do realize that to give my child a better future I need to work anyway.

As I am approaching 35 I also want to plan my second child as soon as possible.But he doesn't want a second child.Because he needs to buy a house and plan a vacation to our home country,invest in more properties,save for retirement fund,save for my child's college etc.Everything seems to be about Money these days and it doesn't matter to him anymore what I want.

His conversations almost always steer towards money or financial security or how his friends have bought their own houses because of 2 salaries.Some of them have kids too.He wants their lifestyle.And he says that's not possible with one salary.

For the past 8 years that we have lived here I never used any cleaning services to clean up house,except once when his parents came over for a few days.I don't get my nails done.I have had probably 3 haircuts so far.I wish to have a neat home with nice bedding and kitchen utensils.Every time I go to store to buy something I get scared that this will end up in an argument.So I avoid.He checks the credit card statement carefully every time and makes note of anything that looks unusual and inquires about the amount as if I was stealing from his a/c.

When his parents came over,he spent on a holiday to Florida.Got them a lot of gifts.Never once asked me about it and it's OK because,Your parents come once in a while.But when my parents came during my pregnancy he treated them like they are a burden.He never got anything for them.And when we went to visit our home country he refused to buy a camera for my brother because it's $300.I begged him to do it this ONE time and he wouldn't.

The stress is building everyday.I look after my child,house and get most of the groceries.I attend everything in his school and keep things up to date.But all my husband can see is my financial worth equals zero.

He keeps reading books,magazines,watches movies,surfs internet plays sports.He does everything for himself and these days he has no time for me or my child.He is talking philosophy these days.Says life is short and that he wasted a lot of time and now he needs to either gain knowledge or make money.

We hardly talk to each other anymore.Don't eat dinner together.Everything is mechanical.It hurts me when he talks to his friends about how wives should not stay home and they need to work and go on and on in front of me to make me feel bad.We have other friends who have planned their second pregnancies over finding a job.Because a job can wait but not having child.He hates them for wasting time.

I suddenly feel I don't know this guy anymore.Our point of views are different but for a marriage to work something has to be in common.And I am trying to find that.

Does anyone here have similar problems?

greenpearl

You have a husband who doesn't appropriate your work at home and he likes to compare himself with others!

Sounds like he is not content with his life.

For your benefit, I don't think it is a good idea for you to have a second child. You don't have his support, it will only make your life more stressed. And you will gain more independence and confidence when you make your own money.

Think more for yourself!

MsUncertain

Thanks Pearl for the reply.

I am looking for some part time jobs like baby sitting where I have time to prepare for some certification courses that can help me find good job.Finding ways to earn money has become really important for me right now for my own sanity.

Also I thought if we get the house this year and I earn certain amount of money (I am willing to babysit on weekends too) until next April,may be I can convince him to plan a child.The thing is I don't want my child to grow up all alone with no siblings.I have seen few of my friends with no siblings,feel lonely all the time while I was growing up having fun with two brothers.I cherish every moment of my childhood because of these memories.We don't live together but we are constantly in touch over phone and internet.And during a recent crisis we grew stronger because we had each other.

I never talked about any of these problems with my family because they think I am happy here and I don't want to upset them.They already have too many things going on with them right now.

I am glad to have found this site.I checked some of the other threads and gained some valuable insights.

Still I wanted to know how many couples separate because the money isn't enough or one party refuses to have kids?

greenpearl

MU,

I understand your reason for having a brother or sister for you child! I think it is a very good reason. I will think about the same thing.

But future plans usually need to be made by two together. The problem here is your husband doesn't want another child. If you have his support, it is actually a wonderful thing.

Many couples fight because of money, if he isn't content with your financial situation, it is not a good sign.

I don't know where you are from, but I understand your feeling for not letting your family worry about your problems. When we are abroad, we only tell our families good news, not bad news. I am the same way. We have to be strong, we can't let them worry about us. Tough!

MsUncertain

Your words are very comforting,Pearl.

My dad called me yesterday and wondered if I can come visit them this year because they are missing me.This is the first time in 8 years that he ever said that.I miss them a lot too but can't go

I really hope things will get better in the near future.

Thanks

greenpearl

My husband and I decided not to have children since both of us are far away from our families! Raising children without help from family is tiring. And the International trips are horribly expensive.

Whenever my family or his family tell us to go home and visit them, it is a lot of pressure on me. I feel the responsibility to go home to visit them because we are their children, and they are getting old, but every year this family or that family is a lot of money for us. We have taken four trips in six years. My husband loves traveling, but we can't travel to other countries.

Hope things will be better for both of us in the future

Hicks

Unless your marriage is strong, you should not have another child. It's not fair to bring a child into a weak marriage.

Your husband is giving you and your child a great gift. This is priceless.

Both of you need to grow toward each other and start showing some positive appreciation and love. The recommendation I have is to show him love, respect and appreciation for what he is doing. In 2-3 months, introduce the concept of what you need (what you want him to do). He's more likely to be open to changing when he is getting his need for respect and appreciation met.

lime

Is the baby both of yours? Or just yours from another relationship? You refer to him as "my child" rather than "our child." I think that's actually really significant--you view the kids as yours but in reality they're part of a whole family.

I relate to your situation, as I know I want a big family and I might not have enough money for everything I want in life. Money isn't everything, and the joy and fun kids can bring are worth every penny and more!

That said, saving money is not trivial--you put saving for retirement and saving for kids' college on par with a vacation, and that's really not a good way of looking at things. If you're going to have another kid, or even just one kid, you need to accept the full responsibility for raising them for their entire lives! This means saving for retirement--so you don't burden your kids when you're old or sick. What if they live far away and can't take care of you? You probably wouldn't want to force them to quit their jobs and move across the country/world to take care of you because you didn't have enough retirement money to fund your own medical care.

Same goes for college. Do you want to saddle your kids with 6 figures of educational debt? Or what if they're geniuses and get into Harvard, but you have to send them to community college because you can't afford tuition? What about when they have kids of their own? You won't want to sacrifice their financial futures--and the futures of your grandchildren.

Of course I'm way exaggerating these situations, but it's really important that you realize that retirement and college are vital aspects of raising kids--in addition to loving them and nurturing them. Those things are priorities--if you can't afford to save for retirement or plan at least simple savings for college, then you should either make sacrifices (like cutting out vacations, downsizing to a more affordable home, etc. ) or not have extra kids.

I'm having to learn that the hard way, as I'm young (21) and want to have kids relatively soon. While I have a solid amount of savings and am debt-free, my SO (hopefully future husband!) is going to have massive educational loans. His parents couldn't afford to pay his tuition because they didn't plan well, and now we're going to have trouble getting out of debt and raising our own kids. It's making me realize that, more than anything, I want my future kids to be happy and well-adjusted adults. I'm willing to sacrifice vacation time, and even staying at home, so that they're not stuck caring for me when I'm old and broke.

Faith-Hope-Love

I read once that there is a theory that arguments about sex and money are rarely about sex and money. So, you may have deeper problems than what you realize.

Your husband can see both the security and the freedom that money offers. But he is unwilling to share the freedom side with you and your family, though he shares it with his family.

If he is makes $65K a year, he is making a comfortable living for himself, you and the child. He may know this logically, but may not know emotionally. Did he grow up aware that his family was poor, and like Depression era kids, has a mindset that he can never earn enough? Or did he come from a wealthy family, and maybe is trying to live up to hig expectations from his parents?

I think your first step should be to understand his views about money. You don't have to agree with his views, just understand them. Don't bring up the subject when you've been arguing (expecially about money), or when he's been paying the bills. Find a "neutral" time to bring it up.

If he asks why, just be honest: you love him, you don't like arguing about money, you are getting conflicting signals from him about money, you want to understand his viewpoint, and you wonder whether the arguments are really about money at all.

After that conversation, then think about what the next step should be.

michzz

$65k is hardly enough to live on comfortably in many places. In California it is half what you'd need.

Money is not the only factor on deciding how many children to have, but as others have noted, not having enough to pay for an enriched potential for your children can be saddling all of you in poverty.

You can't live on love alone. But you have to try to enjoy life too.
Posted via Mobile Device

moonangel

Some great points were already mentioned. I just wanted to add that:

1. If you really want another child, maybe you should work, bring in some income, then have the baby and continue working. You'll need to take the baby to day care but hey, your husband will feel better about you.

2. $65 really isn't a lot of money but it's enough to live on without struggling. Have you asked your husband what amount of money will make him stop comparing himself to his friends and stop putting pressure on you to work?

3. I get the sense that maybe you really don't want to work. Maybe your husband is getting this vibe too. He might be thinking that you just want another baby so that you can continue to stay home while he's out working to feed 3 mouths and doesn't want to have to feed a 4th.

Therealbrighteyes

I totally agree. $65k after taxes is $40k. That isn't much money at all and then add in medical insurance being deducted and you have even less. Your husband is right on this, albeit he is going about it the wrong way. I think buying a house should be your first priority. It is an investment and with housing depreciated the way it is right now, it is a buyers market. Having a second child right now will put that off even further. It sounds like he is being responsible and wants a secure financial future. Homeownership is one of the best things you can do for your child. We waited 9 years and saved as much as we could. The look of sheer relief on my husband's face when we closed and got the keys and realized this is ours was worth putting off all other things. The house has gone up 3 times in value and that equity is what makes the sacrifice all worth it. You are 33, you aren't 43. Why not wait a few more years and save up some money. Go back to work yourself and the process will speed up a bit.

Halien

I'll take a different route than some of the other posters. What stands out is that 1) he is focused entirely on money over family happiness, and 2) he's selfish. I mean, he can blow the money on his biological family, but looks at yours, and even you, as a burden?

I get irritated with this attitude maybe because I saw the thoughts in myself sometimes. I hated that part of me. My wife was offering a beautiful thing by wanting to give our children the investment of her time.

In my opinion, you are right in trying to find ways to bring in income. And you should work through a marriage counselor to address the selfishness and the dispropotionate nature of his willingness to spend. Otherwise, he'll get that house, two cars, only to have to sell them in the divorce, and have children who can't stand him.

When my kids were small, I made about the same as him. So, I got a second job in a distribution center on Friday and Saturday nights, moving heavy boxes so my wife could invest in our kids. Contrary to popular opinion, in the current market, houses are not always a solid investment. We took the time to learn our market, and to find the growing areas. You have to look at it as an investment risk, or just don't buy. I developed skills in remodeling and turned my newly purchased fixer upper to a dream home, and made enough when we moved for my company two years later to buy the next one with cash.

So now, twenty years later, my wife works and we have children who love us. When my wife was a stay at home wife, she became a master at saving money. We ate like royalty, but spent about a third of the national average using principles like 'once a month cooking', etc. Our goal was to turn this into college savings. Of course, we did this because we were both committed, and I didn't care if my car was a rust bucket. All along, she found ways to make 'just enough'.

There are resources out there for making it work.

Now that the kids are in college, I put about 75% of our combined income into retirement to fill in the gaps we had to sacrifice. The cool thing about our approach was that it gave us both the life skills to be successful.

SaffronPower

All good answers above. And you do have more of a problem then just the money. I can understand how it makes you feel bad to have him talk in front of you about how mothers should get back to work to make you feel bad. That would suck.

On the other hand, you have a man who is actually earning a living and has for a number of years for you. Perhaps you don't value and show him how much you appreciate his effort these many years any more then he is showing you any value now. It sounds like the two of you are taking each other for granted.

Can you get him to a couples counseling? You could save a lot of years of building resentment by understanding each others point of view now.

MsUncertain

Thank you to each one of you who took out time to reply to this post.It helped me to look into the issue more rationally than emotionally,because when I started this thread I was really hurt and angry.

I recently found a part time job that doesn't pay me much but a lot better than nothing.I have been looking for something for almost 3 months and when I finally got this offer,I felt relieved.But when I got my first ever salary,I felt good about myself.

My husband now helps me in the morning to get 'our' child get ready for School and sometimes helps him with homework while I am fixing the dinner.As someone mentioned,I realized that he probably felt I would just stay home for ever and never get a job which would put more burden on him,if we go ahead and have baby.