Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. I didn't rush into things and waited 6 years to ask her and even moved to be closer to her during that time so I could be sure.
The only problem is that she has a knee jerk reaction when I mention a pre-nuptial agreement. She thinks that I don't trust her and it's an assumption that I think we'll get divorced.
It's actually quite the contrary.
First, I think there is a major problem with Western society and divorce rates. I believe a lot can be attributed to the fact that legal practices have made a good business out of divorces and it's fueled by an unequal balance in the outcome... ie, "if we divorce, I win, You Lose" or other simple financial "rewards" if couples split, and the other side paying large sums to lawyers to "protect" their assets during the divorce.
I love my family and I love my fiancee who I want to create a family with. One thing I learned growing up was that money and family are not necessarily tied together. We are people. We have jobs were we earn some money and at the end of the day, we are glad to relax with family where money doesn't matter. That's my view at least.
Once you start adding incentives on happy marriages like "ok, so you had an argument, did you know that if you divorce you will get $XXX..." I disagree with this on all levels. I think it should be "so you had an argument, but you are still the same people who fell in love. No one on earth knows or cares about the other quite like you do.... it'd be a shame to throw that out... so lets get over it and move on to better times."
I'm almost so idealistic that I'd like to see a clause that says "This isn't a prenup, you can have whatever you want... as long as 99% of all assets go to a YYY charity and the remaining 1% of assets can be divided among the man and woman. Divorce should be a tough choice and money should not be a factor, IMHO.
I want to stay with her. Now. Forever. The fact that lawyers and laws have come up with a way that would benefit her if she marries me, then divorces me a few weeks later is disgusting. I don't want to play that game. I want to create a life together and a family together. If she or I chooses to leave, that would be a shame. Neither should profit from that. It's a sad end to a story.
How do I get her to see it this way? She seems to think a prenup is me keeping my assets from her. She can have all my assets as long as we are together....
Background info: We are from different countries and we will move to the US where she will have a Visa. I hope she will enjoy life there. I earn $230k per year and have $150k assets at the current time. She is seeking employment once we find a place to live. During our time together before marriage, she has cheated on me 4x, I have never cheated on her.
Thanks,
VA
Maybe I'm completely off here? Does anyone else feel this way?
I'm going to leave the cheating out of it (that's for a whole other post).
What you want is for her to move to another country with no job and no money. And now you want her to sign a prenup that says what exactly? That she gets nothing in case of a divorce? What's in it for her? What if you end up divorced through both of yours fault? What if YOU want the divorce? Then what? Still nothing?
If I were her I wouldn't do it. The risk would be too high for me. I'd be afraid YOU'D divorce me and I'd be stuck with nothing. And I'd be in some foreign country too.
I wouldn't marry someone who cheated on me once let alone 4 times.
It is quite clear that you don't trust her, and with good reasoning.
I would never marry someone I didn't trust and I also would never ask for nor sign a pre nup, because I believe in marriage and would only go into it thinking that it was for life. Any issues should be worked out along the way and both people should be 100% committed.
If you want to move to the U.S., come on over alone. We have single women and most of them are employed already. Some wouldn't cheat on you. A few would sign your prenup. A great many would be happy to just shack up with you. If it didn't work out, either could leave. Another option to getting married.....you can send your money to me and I'll tell you everything that's wrong with you and your family. I won't cook for you and I certainly won't have sex with you. We'll practically be married.
If you want to move to the U.S., come on over alone. We have single women and most of them are employed already. Some wouldn't cheat on you. A few would sign your prenup. A great many would be happy to just shack up with you. If it didn't work out, either could leave. Another option to getting married.....you can send your money to me and I'll tell you everything that's wrong with you and your family. I won't cook for you and I certainly won't have sex with you. We'll practically be married.
Not all wives are like yours. We make love all the time because I can't get enough. My husband has a good meal 8/10.
I agree with the others - you shouldn't marry her based on the cheating thing alone. Pre-nup has nothing to do with that.
But about the pre-nup, you mention your salary and assets. Does she have any assets? If she doesn't there's absolutely no benefit to her in signing a pre-nup. If you did divorced would she get anything? Hardly any women would sign such a thing in that situation, unless it was a way to get into a country, or some other motivation.
I have a pre-nup but we both had assets and good salaries so the situation is as you describe where money doesn't affect our commitment to each other. The agreement isn't detrimental to either party. And I just don't see the same at all in your situation.
The pre-nup would most likely not hold up.. or a judge would throw it out because you have all the assets and she has NOTHING.. she would need her own attorney to take a look at it, you would need your own.. and he attorney would advise her not to sign it.
Also a pre-nup typically has to offer something to both parties, yours sounds very unreasonable.. 1%?!! You must be joking. So she has your children, cares for them for 25 years because you want her to stay home, you ask for a divorce and.. she gets 1%.
I think you have the wrong idea about pre nups, they work for the ultra rich, and people who are on near even footing (we both keep our own assets, no division) but not for people with huge discrepancies in income. Also they usually involve cheating clauses ironically.
Why are you getting married if this person has cheated on you, and you suspect she is just after your money??
If you want to move to the U.S., come on over alone. We have single women and most of them are employed already. Some wouldn't cheat on you. A few would sign your prenup. A great many would be happy to just shack up with you. If it didn't work out, either could leave. Another option to getting married.....you can send your money to me and I'll tell you everything that's wrong with you and your family. I won't cook for you and I certainly won't have sex with you. We'll practically be married.
I am way nicer than unbelievable. Send ME your money. I will be nice to you AND have cook and have sex with you. For a couple of weeks. Before I unload you.
If she cheated 4x, don't you think that has a lot to do with wanting a prenup? Whether a person is for or againstthem, this situation warrants not only a reason not to trust, but imo, a reason not to marry or live together.
Coz let's face it, deep down you don't trust her and nobody could possibly blame you. She made her bed. Posted via Mobile Device
4x cheating dude get a clue. She will not find employment, she will be busy driving you staight into bankruptcy court, while spending your money on her lover.
She's cheated on you 4 times (that you know of), and you STILL want to marry her? No wonder she is against a prenup.
She plans to cheat on you (after she gets her green card, I'm sure), and then leave you, but those plans will be wrecked if she signs a prenup-then she can't have you paying her exorbitant amounts of spousal support (which she will surely get when she plays the "poor, abused victim who was taken advantage of and tricked into leaving her home and family"), and go find her "real man" while you're supporting her.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in her closet,
A Jaguar in her garage,
A tiger in her bed...
She thinks that I don't trust her and it's an assumption that I think we'll get divorced.
Lame excuse, my ex tried that on me once, told her that it's not about WHO I trust, it's WHAT I trust them to do. Trust is earned, not asked for. You don't ask "Trust me!" and expect it.
And considering she cheated on you 4x... well, pffft! Have some pride mate. Cheating on someone once and swearing never to do it again is one thing, but cheating on someone 4x... then expecting them to trust you? She must either be a fool... or...
She must believe YOU are fool! Have some respect for yourself mate, from what I've read - in my opinion she's walking all over you and you're letting her.
Planning to Marry, She Doesn't Want A Pre-Nup 
Re: Planning to Marry, She Doesn't Want A Pre-Nup 
Why are you marrying this person??
