I think my husband is stealing money from me - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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I think my husband is stealing money from me

Recently my parents sent us a huge amount of cash as a gift. About $3,000. They wired it to my husband's bank account. We don't have a joint account. I don't have my own bank account so they have no other option but to wire it to his account. However, when I asked him to check it to see if it has gone through, he mentioned an amount which has a bit of discrepancy compared to the amount my parents told me they had sent through. The discrepancy is about $200 dollars. Why do I have a gut feeling that he's not telling me the truth about the actual amount that went through? If he's actually stealing from me, how do I bring it up? How can I confirm this if my instincts are correct? And how do I keep him from stealing from me? These amounts are not huge amounts, but I don't understand why he has to sneak in instead of asking me straight up?

If this info helps, I earn more than he does. At the moment, I set a budget for our bills, food, savings and if there's extra money - we normally have a nice dinner or treat our kid with a new toy or something similar.

I appreciate your thoughts / advice. Thanks.

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

Get a joint account, AND your own account. Technically, the money belongs to you both since you're married (so he can't steal it, only misuse it), but since it was wired to HIS account, he can make a case that it's his.

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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:02 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

You just have to ask him. And also ask him to verify his account online with you there. In this way you will be able to see when the money come in and when the 200$ went out of the account.

We both have separate accounts but he knows my password and I know his password from the banking online app.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Get a joint account, AND your own account. Technically, the money belongs to you both since you're married (so he can't steal it, only misuse it), but since it was wired to HIS account, he can make a case that it's his.
Thanks Married but Happy! I will try and get my own bank account and joint account then. Do you think he would be suspicious? I haven't had my own bank account for a long time.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:20 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

It doesn't matter if he's suspicious. Why should he be any more suspicious than you are of him, anyway? I suggest you each have your own account, have your pay deposited to your own accounts, and each contribute to the joint account for household bills and joint goals. Even though marital money is joint in most cases and most states, that only matters if you divorce. You can have your own money for your own uses (unless there isn't enough after all the bills to do so), that should not have to be accounted for to the other person.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

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You just have to ask him. And also ask him to verify his account online with you there. In this way you will be able to see when the money come in and when the 200$ went out of the account.

We both have separate accounts but he knows my password and I know his password from the banking online app.

Thank you Kristisha!

He doesn't register his bank account for online banking so I can't go over the statement online together with him. Also, I don't want him to feel I am suspecting him as this can cause a big fight. I've asked him before and casually told me that he didn't know why the amounts did not add up neither. After that, I did not press again.

My gut feeling tells me that he is sneaking money from me. But I don't have enough proof.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

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It doesn't matter if he's suspicious. Why should he be any more suspicious than you are of him, anyway? I suggest you each have your own account, have your pay deposited to your own accounts, and each contribute to the joint account for household bills and joint goals. Even though marital money is joint in most cases and most states, that only matters if you divorce. You can have your own money for your own uses (unless there isn't enough after all the bills to do so), that should not have to be accounted for to the other person.
We have always fused our money since we got married. Been married for 7 years now. How shall I bring up this idea without hurting his feelings? The reason I ask is because he may play the insecurity card on me. Do you think so?
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:29 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

You should tell him to register and explain him the advantages, like being able to check in real time with happens with the account. Also it might have been a bill on direct bill that he forgot to pay and that's why it's 200$ short. You should definelly investigate.

Or you can wait till his statement comes and check it there on what happened with the money. I would be pissed if money would not add up and I would definelly ask what did he do with it? And why didn't he informed me?

Confront him and don't let it go away
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:36 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

At the very least, the account should be made a joint account. The way it is set up now, if he's injured (for example) you couldn't get cash or pay bills. Presumably you're the beneficiary (are you?) of the account if he dies - if it's joint, there aren't lengthy delays accessing the money in that case. If he objects to making it joint, point this out to him. And don't take no for an answer. If he resists, simply set up your own account and deposit your pay and other money there. Then you have negotiating power about paying bills and having money for your own needs.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 01:39 PM
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Did your parents give the money to both of you, or to you?

If they gave the money to both of you, then it is half his.

If they gave it to you it should be all yours. But you made a huge mistake. You had your parents deposit it in an account in your husband's name only. So it looks like a gift to him only or to both of you.

You say that you earn .more than he does???? Are you putting all your income into an account in his name only? Why on earth would you do this? Do you even have accessvto his account?

Open an account in your name only and have your pay direct deposited to your account. Then tell him that you want to open a joint account with him. You can both deposit money in the joint account to pay your bills.

Open a second account in your name only. Use that account only for money that your fsmily gifts or loans you.

Income from a job is marital income. Gifts from are sole property. Never mix marital income and marital assets with sole income, assets, and debt.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 04:27 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

Don't suspect. Don't think about it a lot. Talk to him and ask him in a non-accusational request to help you fill in the blanks. Tell him what you know and ask as a couple or team to figure it out. Communicate.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 04:34 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
At the very least, the account should be made a joint account. The way it is set up now, if he's injured (for example) you couldn't get cash or pay bills. Presumably you're the beneficiary (are you?) of the account if he dies - if it's joint, there aren't lengthy delays accessing the money in that case. If he objects to making it joint, point this out to him. And don't take no for an answer. If he resists, simply set up your own account and deposit your pay and other money there. Then you have negotiating power about paying bills and having money for your own needs.
You really do need to be at least a signer on his account -or better- have your own account.

Seriously -what would happen to you if he was incapacitated? How would you pay your mortgage? What are you suppose to live on....your Tears?

If he did actually take some of that money...that's the least of his theft...if you don't have access to the means of survival -he is stealing your security.

Fixing this should be a HUGE priority.

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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 04:42 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

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Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
Recently my parents sent us a huge amount of cash as a gift. About $3,000. They wired it to my husband's bank account. We don't have a joint account. I don't have my own bank account so they have no other option but to wire it to his account. However, when I asked him to check it to see if it has gone through, he mentioned an amount which has a bit of discrepancy compared to the amount my parents told me they had sent through. The discrepancy is about $200 dollars. Why do I have a gut feeling that he's not telling me the truth about the actual amount that went through? If he's actually stealing from me, how do I bring it up? How can I confirm this if my instincts are correct? And how do I keep him from stealing from me? These amounts are not huge amounts, but I don't understand why he has to sneak in instead of asking me straight up?

If this info helps, I earn more than he does. At the moment, I set a budget for our bills, food, savings and if there's extra money - we normally have a nice dinner or treat our kid with a new toy or something similar.

I appreciate your thoughts / advice. Thanks.
you need to get your own bank account at least, and preferably a joint account. Married Couples should imho have completely transparent and shared finances. You're a unit after all.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 04:53 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

Macey, why the heck don't you have your own account? Where do you deposit your paychecks? How can you manage the bills if you don't even have access to his bank account? This is weird.

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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 05:19 PM
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Re: I think my husband is stealing money from me

I agree with the other posters that you need your own bank account. If it causes a fight, so be it....you need to put your foot down on this issue. Its important that you have access to money for a million reasons. Also its strange that your parents are sending money to his account that your name isn't on. If I was your parents, I wouldn't even agree to do that.

How did your parents wire the money? I'm asking because its possible that there was a substantial charge depending on how they sent it. I doubt it was as high as $200 but it seems strange to me that he'd tell you about $2800 when 1st, obviously your parents are going to tell you how much they deposited and 2nd, he only took 200 dollars. Is it possible that he over estimated the initial balance in his account so that he's just unclear as to what was deposited?

Do you suspect this because you think he's done it more than just this time?

Financial transparency in marriage is at least as important as sexual transparency (more so in my opinion...I'd rather have a husband that cheated on me than one that stole my hard-earned money). So you have every right to demand an accounting of all marital funds. If he can't be honest with you about this...you really don't have much of a basis for a long-lasting marriage.

Last edited by EnigmaGirl; 05-27-2015 at 05:26 PM.
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