simonrr2003

Fellas,

I just found this website so I hope you can shed some light on this subject.

My wife, 27, has never worked and has always stayed at home with our kids (2 yrs, 6 yrs). Everything was going fine until I was laid off from my job as an engineer about a year ago. I accepted a job in B2B Copier Sales and have been busting my ass for the first year because the industry is extremely difficult. I should have a great year but the income is still not where we need it to be. We are really living pay check to pay check and struggling to get by.

My wife always complains about money and not having enough. However, she has NEVER offered to go to work or presented a solution to the problem. Is this typical of women...you know...just stating the problems?

I have asked my wife to go to work and these are the typical responses I get (with an argument):

• It is not worth putting our 2 year old in day care.
• I will not make money after removing the day care expense.
• I don't know if I can stay with someone who lives paycheck to paycheck.

The way I look at it is this:

• Extra money, even $1000, a month is worth it.
• Get the experience (healthcare-nursing assistant) on your resume for a better opportunity down the road.

My question is how do I present her a solution that would entice her to overcome her fear of "working for nothing" in a friendly manner?

Has anyone ever faced this dilemma?

Thanks,

TJ

loveandmarriage

Have you two considered one working during the day, and the other working at night. Especially, if she has nursing experience. It should not be hard to find a night time nursing assistant job. That way, the kids would not have to go to daycare.

draconis

My wife and I have done this for years.

draconis

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Amplexor

This part of your post troubles me.

One and two are perfectly acceptable concerns and issues. Number three is completely selfish. There needs to be a discussion right there. I’d be extremely upset if my wife ever made a comment like that to me.

Have you set up a budget on a spreadsheet and sat down together to agree on it? Then weekly sit down with it and see what your goals were and what you actually spent. There are lots of things that can be cut out of the budget to make things easier. She needs to be an active participant in this. Hopefully for us all the economy will turn around and people will have less of this kind of stress in their lives. OBTW, I am a commissioned salesman in the technology industry. I understand your stress when the commissions fluctuate from month to month. Good luck

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simonrr2003

This is actually good advice and I have never considered putting down all expenses on paper. I will approach her with this and see what happens.

With respect to the Child Care Credit...does anyone know how it works? I mean, if I pay $1000 per month for child care, of that $1000, how much do I actually get back at tax time? Or, do I take the $1000 per month and use it as a deduction come tax time?

Amplexor

I believe you can claim up to $3000 for a single child or $6000 for multiple kids. This is done at the time you prepare your taxes. It is a deduction against your taxable income so it should reduce your tax. Also, talk to your employer and see if they offer a S125 plan (Café Plan) for child care. You can have monies taken from your pay check in advance that are not subject to Federal or State Tax. It is held by a plan processor. You simply send the processor a form and copy of the day care receipt and they send you a reimbursement for the day care. Both our children were in day care from a very early age and my employer offers this plan. It has saved us $1000’s in taxes over the years. The S125 can also be used for medical expenses. It is a great way to shelter some of your income from Uncle Sam. Just be careful when you fill out the forms with the estimated money you expect to spend on child care or medical expenses. If you don’t use it, you lose it.

As far as the budget spreadsheet goes, I think one of the most important things for you to do is to get your wife involved. She needs to be an active participant so she understands where the money comes from and where it goes. It might make a decision to go to work easier or help you both make better purchasing decisions. Good luck.

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GAsoccerman

maybe she can get a job at a daycare facility...I know a couple that had to do this.

I agree witht he above posters.

Your wife is selfish.

justean

well i have been put in your position and my H is self employed.
we have had to role reversal on many occasions.
probably more so now as my H is on and off work.
he is a carpenter /joiner .
but as my job is the permanent in a way i have a continuous wage.
when my H doesnt work, he takes over the home side and cooking and cleaning and children.
my job hours has pretty much fluctuated throughout the years.
i did full time when my first son was born, we had the grandparents help out the first year with ethan.
i only reduced to part time when my second was born.
then i did 2 years of nights (3 nights per week)to combat the day issue with the children.
we have tried all sorts of measures to overcome child issues and we stil do.

and before you know it, its the holidays again -----aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Aceso*

I agree with "spread sheet thing". Let her know how much everything costs these days and she might look at things differently. And if she is tired of living from pay check to pay check she should get of her behind and help out.

michzz

she can work weekends or a different shift so you two can tagteam childcare duties. Thus no childcare expense.

She needs to get over the stay at home mom identity she has forged for herself.

We, all of us, are perched on the edge of a financial meltdown of epic proportions. She really needs to open her eyes to what she faces.

voivod

my counselor thinks the best way to handle money questions is to treat the marriage like a business...with business meetings once a week. what a great way to sit down and talk...just chat...about where it comes from and where it goes...and simplify..the envelope system and quicken used together are both pretty cool...and dave ramsey's debt free plan gives you a goal...something you can both work toward...as a team...

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4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7

Chopblock

---I don't know if I can stay with someone who lives paycheck to paycheck.---

That is just SELFISH and doesn't help. If I were in your position, I might have replied "if you ever say anything that ungrateful and insulting again, you can try out life as a single mom with 2 kids."

---will not make money after removing the day care expense.---

If you work simultaneously, this is probably true. There are several increased costs that can actually put two-income families BEHIND. You need to take her likely wages and account for taxes paid in your new income. If it pushes you into a higher bracket, even the deductions for the kids may not help. Then there is stuff like her commuting (will she need her own car? will that need more gas) incidental working costs (extra clothing, lunches out...). If whatever is left over after deducting those costs is worth having her work, then look into it.

Otherwise, you'll make more ground by trimming what you already spend.

Have you gone into "crisis mode"? Have you already cut all non-essentials? If you still have cable TV and netflix, then you aren't quite there yet. You need to track and know ALL expenses, and everything that goes out. You want to be socking away as much as you can.

Do you carry CC debt? Can you call and ask for rate reductions?

Do you have an Emergency Fund?

Otherwise, your wife needs to take a skill she has, and turn it into something she can do at home. Can she tutor kids? Can she proofread or do transcriptions? Actually if she has nursing experience, doing medical transcriptions might be right up her alley. It pays decently for being a "work at home, on your own time" type of job.

It is also possible to become a "home call center". There are several reputable companies that, if you have a dedicated land line, and internet access, will employ you as a customer service representative. Its not the greatest job, but its a job she can do at home.

simonrr2003

Great advice by all.

I do not know if any of you experience this but I believe my wife has a split personality!

One day, she says things such as (and I am not exaggerating b/c I have started a journal):

"You are a broke a$$hole."
"As soon as I get a job, I will not need you anymore. Have fun."
"I will have to get out and get a job to pick up for your slack."
"Don't think that I don't know that you will go after some s!ut when I leave...I have thought about it."

Why do I put up with this? Doesn't she realize that I get my teeth kicked in everyday in Business to Business Sales?!!

There will be other days, she will say:

"It won't be much longer before I will be able to help you out."

Has she been drinking? Is this a new her??

Obviously, all of you can probably understand the rage I feel when she says things as mentioned above. It is frustrating in the fact that I have:

Paid off her credit card - $20k
Paid down her student loans - $7k
Paid off her car - $3k

So, that is $30k that I have paid off for her. The response I get..."you should, you are the one making the money. My job is staying at home."

I understand a mother's obligations as a stay at home mom and respect the energy and effort that it deserves. On the flip side, I feel that the "stay at home mom" line is thrown out way too much and is an easy way out when discussing financial dilemmas.

Like a previous message on this board, I would not put up with any of this...her attitude, comments, lack of ambition, etc...if it were not for my two wonderful kids (6 yr old boy, 2 year old girl) that I absolutely adore. I would be out the door.

My question would be...how do I approach her with this laundry list detailing the comments that she has made to me as unacceptable and out of line? I have tried in the past but (guess what)...she says..."you have made just as nasty remarks." Not even close but I can honestly say that I have called her a b!tch before....but that is only after she threw these nasty insults in my face.

Frustrated three days, happy one....



Simon

Amplexor

This kind of verbal abuse is totally out of line. The next time is happens just very calmly say “I’m sorry, we are trying to have civil discussion about X, not throwing profanity at each other. We need to take a break and pick this up again when you’ve calmed down.” Walk away from the conversation but don’t withdraw from her either. If she acts the baby and gives you the silent treatment, gently ask her if she is ready to talk yet. Don’t react or give her ammo for “you’re just as bad.”

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take my hand

I think there may be a lot more going on other than money problems with the way she is handling it. The things she said sound awful. If my husband said those things to me (assuming the roles were reversed) I would be incredibly hurt. She may have some growing up to do. Being a female myself with no kids (recently married) I can only dream that I will be able to stay home when we start having children – I know it’s work, but seems to me like it would be a dream job- staying home with the ones you love and raise them the way YOU want. I know I would be very grateful if I could do this and surely wouldn’t complain about it or threaten my husband that I may leave if money gets a little tight (ESPECIALLY IF HE PAID OFF MY CC AND CAR, ETC!!). Good luck- she seems like a tough one.