I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?
Please, explain.

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post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:49 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction. Both of which are completely far fetched.
You may want to do a little bit of spying on your wife. Those false accusations are often leveled by cheaters against their BS (betrayed spouses). It's called misdirection.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:49 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Your inability to tell your wife no and be okay with it, no matter how much she complains.

It sounds a lot like you have compromised what is important to you in order to please her. By seeking her approval, you have actually done the opposite.

This is coming from someone who did it for years.

This symptom is a major hallmark of codependency.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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I would not say it is Jman issue. The issue is the house. The lousy loan has doubled and created financial stress. Like we have not seen this before with crappy loan offices peddling loans to people that can not really afford the loans. The housing bubble still continues.
The loan is a subsidized loan. I have increased my salary over the years and the subsidy has been cut out now that i have reached beyond what they will help with.
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post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:51 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Your inability to tell your wife no and be okay with it, no matter how much she complains.

It sounds a lot like you have compromised what is important to you in order to please her. By seeking her approval, you have actually done the opposite.

This is coming from someone who did it for years.

This symptom is a major hallmark of codependency.
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

See about getting a new conventional loan.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #21 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:52 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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The loan is a subsidized loan. I have increased my salary over the years and the subsidy has been cut out now that i have reached beyond what they will help with.
Understood. Can this loan be refinanced to a new conventional loan?

You don't want to get in the rears on the loan. This will prove to be a issue down the road when you apply of other types of loans.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #22 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 07:31 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

I get so ticked at people who blame their spouse for not making enough money. Go out and get a job (or a better paying job) if you want more money! That's what you need to say and you need to mean it.

By all means take the financial steps you need to take--and consider selling or renting the house and moving to less expensive housing until you get a grip on finances. Talk to your kids--make sure they know you will not end up homeless or hungry, but you will need to have the family's support in cutting back for a while--whatever that will look like from your perspective.

If you can hold a yard sale, visit consignment ships, plan for "sandwich nights" (when no one feels like cooking), etc., you might begin feeling a bit better--taking small steps that in and of themselves won't solve the problem, but might help get you, your wife, and your kids on the same page.

Be willing to argue with your wife about this, and to insist that it is financially irresponsible to expand expenses (like a bigger house or new car) when you are currently increasingly in debt . Make it clear that you want her income to cover past due mortgage payments and whatever percent of the living expenses are fair (if she makes 30% of the total income, she pays 30% of the total bills or more, etc). Then negotiate a savings plan. Do not set savings goals that are unrealistic or punitive--just insist on a way of saving that she cannot get at on her own, with each of you also contributing in fair amounts,starting small and planning to increase your contributions as incomes rise and other expenses change.

I think you need to get in front of this before she starts working. Good luck.
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post #23 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 07:57 PM
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I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

This could help.
http://www.makinghomeaffordable.gov/...ages/hamp.aspx
Helped me. Got behind on the house back in 09 or so when my payment jumped and the recession cut my income by about $15000 at the time.
Got me out of foreclosure and cut my house payment in half.
Worth a try .
Plan on doing a refi to a conventional soon . The payment will go up a little but the hamp loan has a balloon payment at the end.

Hook me up a new revolution, cause this one is a lie. Sat around laughing and watched the last one die.
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post #24 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 11:47 AM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Refinance your loan. Assign that project to your wife.

The part about it being your fault is a bit much, but you are not handling your wife properly which is contributing:

You have to offer her choices: "Wife, do you want to a) get a job or b) sell the house?"

When your wife says "Where is all the money going. You are cheating. You are on drugs"... Your resopnse "Wife, we have been down this road before. Please review the spreadsheet I prepared a while back. I also remind you that you are free to take over our bill paying and banking if you wish. Stop accusing me of cheating, you and I both know that is BS. Our choices are as follows: 1. Scale back our expenses. 2. You earn more money or 3. I earn more money. Each of these has pros and cons. When would you care to discuss these options?".
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post #25 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 11:53 AM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

You are the one responsible for earning the money, and since you don't trust her to responsibly control spending it falls back to your control. So do what you need to make your budget work and stop building resentment towards her. She is an adult too and can deal with her own responsibilities, don't enable her bad choices and lead by example of not making any of your own bad financial choices.


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post #26 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 11:57 AM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Refinance your loan. Assign that project to your wife.

The part about it being your fault is a bit much, but you are not handling your wife properly which is contributing:

You have to offer her choices: "Wife, do you want to a) get a job or b) sell the house?"

When your wife says "Where is all the money going. You are cheating. You are on drugs"... Your resopnse "Wife, we have been down this road before. Please review the spreadsheet I prepared a while back. I also remind you that you are free to take over our bill paying and banking if you wish. Stop accusing me of cheating, you and I both know that is BS. Our choices are as follows: 1. Scale back our expenses. 2. You earn more money or 3. I earn more money. Each of these has pros and cons. When would you care to discuss these options?".
If he wants to go down in flames he can hand over responsibility of the finances to her.

He needs to take control of the expenditures.

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post #27 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 12:07 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Jman34....you are in a situation of what I call "House Poor". In other words, the house mortgage eats up all of the money. There is nothing left for anything. This is no way to live. Been there brother. Not sure of your loan and if you are upside down in the home or there is some equity. Did you look into a refinance to a conventional loan at a much lower interest rate? Doing so will stop this crazy interest rate jump and your mortgage payment growing. It appears the mortgage is the problem and this can be address if you start looking at other loan options.
Being house poor sucks. Unfortunately, depending where you live, a $50k per year job makes it unavoidable. Where I live I do pretty good for income (apparently much higher than the national average, but seemingly significantly lower than most of my peers), and I could no longer afford the "starter" house (actually my second house) despite even getting into the housing market at the best possible time.

Now, I rent a room for me and my son on the weeks that I have him with a friend for cheap. I have tons of disposable income, but yet cannot afford a place of my own anywhere within 30km of my city. Rent starts at $1200 for the cruddiest of places, and ridiculous condo fees make owning a tiny apartment of my own just barely out of reach (I can do it but will forgo all my disposable income once again which I'm not ready to do yet).

Most importantly - both the OP and his W need to realize this and get on the same page so they can stop building the resentment for each other.

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post #28 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 02:55 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Originally Posted by Lon View Post
Being house poor sucks. Unfortunately, depending where you live, a $50k per year job makes it unavoidable. Where I live I do pretty good for income (apparently much higher than the national average, but seemingly significantly lower than most of my peers), and I could no longer afford the "starter" house (actually my second house) despite even getting into the housing market at the best possible time.

Now, I rent a room for me and my son on the weeks that I have him with a friend for cheap. I have tons of disposable income, but yet cannot afford a place of my own anywhere within 30km of my city. Rent starts at $1200 for the cruddiest of places, and ridiculous condo fees make owning a tiny apartment of my own just barely out of reach (I can do it but will forgo all my disposable income once again which I'm not ready to do yet).

Most importantly - both the OP and his W need to realize this and get on the same page so they can stop building the resentment for each other.
I do believe when the housing bubble popped the rental market became a very ripe place and cost to rent skyrocketed. In short, some folks were taking advantage of a very crappy situation for many when the housing bubble went bust. I passed a house last Sunday in the deepest of country surrounded by cornfields and nowhere near any town to speak of. Rent was $1300.00. The home was a run down farm house and not very big.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #29 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:20 AM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Here is my real problem: She blames me. Constantly. I make 50k/year doing a job a love. I don’t spend money on anything frivolous. The only thing I spend money on for myself is on lunch when I’m working and I try to eat pretty cheap usually (under 5 bucks a day). She is constantly questioning where our money is going and I have shown her a few times in detail that I am simply making just under what we are spending a month. She seems to understand when I explain it but a week or three later she is right back to questioning me.

...she has the audacity to tell me I don’t make enough money.
The truth is in that last line I copied.

When she questions you every few weeks about the money situation, she is not asking you "where did it all go" repeatedly. She is asking "you see we are behind - why haven't you done anything about it yet?"

Fix this now. She is clearly saying that supporting the family is your job. When and if she goes back to work, she will spend on herself and still leave you to pay the bills. Alternatively, she will resent you if she has to chip in to pay bills.

Get her to fix her attitude, or get out.
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post #30 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:41 AM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Honestly dude She sounds like a spoiled brat! but that's just my opinion.. Anyways try taking her to a homeless shelter or a dining hall for the hungry and show her that her complaints are invalid. Nothing that you do will ever make her happy, so quit trying. Maybe that's the reality check that she needs. You are too willing to make her happy and that's why she acts the way she acts. You permit it. Maybe Stop treating her like a princess??
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