I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Exclamation I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

First of all, I love my wife very much. She is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. BUT, not like this. Since we have been together (9 years), she has never held a job longer than a few months. When we first started dating she was fired from her job, after that she has had a few jobs for short periods of time (6 months was the longest I believe, all in the same field). Granted, we agreed that she would stay home while our kids were very young to raise them but they are now 6 and 8. About 2 years ago she decided she wanted to go back to school to get her Masters degree to better her chances of finding a good job. I was, and still am, all for that. She just recently graduated and is on the job hunt. In the time she was in school, I have been supporting us as best I can but we never seem to really ever get caught up on the bills. We have had to “borrow” money from her parents a lot just to survive. It’s really bad right now. We are 2 months (going on 3) behind on our mortgage, utilities getting shut off, cell phones getting shut off, etc. I try to prioritize our spending and pay what I can when I can but there is always something that has to suffer.

Here is my real problem: She blames me. Constantly. I make 50k/year doing a job a love. I don’t spend money on anything frivolous. The only thing I spend money on for myself is on lunch when I’m working and I try to eat pretty cheap usually (under 5 bucks a day). She is constantly questioning where our money is going and I have shown her a few times in detail that I am simply making just under what we are spending a month. She seems to understand when I explain it but a week or three later she is right back to questioning me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I work my butt off and make a good wage for barely having a high school education. I keep telling myself that it will get better when she gets a job but I fear that when the money starts coming in she is going to want to spend even more and put us right back where we are now. She is already looking at more expensive homes and is always talking about needing a new car.

I don’t know if I really need advice or more or less just needed to vent but I have a hard time being blamed for being broke when she has brought in less than 10k since we have been together and she has the audacity to tell me I don’t make enough money.

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 02:36 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

You must sit and pay the bills together every month. This is the only way for your W to see and understand where the money goes.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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You must sit and pay the bills together every month. This is the only way for your W to see and understand where the money goes.
I have tried this. Many times. She still doesn't seem to grasp that we are broke. She then makes me feel bad when i have to say, "sorry, we can't get that right now". I then hear for the next week that WE ARE BROKE, WE HAVE NO MONEY. She even says these things in front of the kids to the point they worry about money now.
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:10 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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I have tried this. Many times. She still doesn't seem to grasp that we are broke. She then makes me feel bad when i have to say, "sorry, we can't get that right now". I then hear for the next week that WE ARE BROKE, WE HAVE NO MONEY. She even says these things in front of the kids to the point they worry about money now.
Sorry it has come to this point. Does she realize she is doing this and creating a hostile environment for the kids. I'm certain your W tone of voice is hostile when she says we are broke, we have no money?

If so, why is she not helping? If she does then you need to make a budget. In that budget is an allowance for your W and you. Each month. Same amount. Then she will not have to ask you for money and you don't have to say no. Further, if she wants something that is expensive she can then save her monthly allowance for it.

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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

It has been a different reason each time. A couple times have been health related but others have been she has felt that the job was below her. Ive told her, even a McDonalds salary would make all the difference for us.
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:14 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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It has been a different reason each time. A couple times have been health related but others have been she has felt that the job was below her. Ive told her, even a McDonalds salary would make all the difference for us.
She appears to simply not want to work.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Sorry it has come to this point. Does she realize she is doing this and creating a hostile environment for the kids. I'm certain your W tone of voice is hostile when she says we are broke, we have no money?

If so, why is she not helping? If she does then you need to make a budget. In that budget is an allowance for your W and you. Each month. Same amount. Then she will not have to ask you for money and you don't have to say no. Further, if she wants something that is expensive she can then save her monthly allowance for it.
Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning.
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:23 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Have an accountability report.

Take a sheet of paper and write every single expense for both of you down. Everyday. Every penny. Keep all receipts of spending. Every week do your calculations. Then, you see where your money is going.

Break down the mortgage, car payment, insurance and large bills into
4.
This 1/4 is what you put aside every week into the checking account. So you are breaking things into smaller amounts.

Pay bills every week as the come ,together.

If you are better with the money, you mind the account.

No atm cards, credit cards, only cash. You get an allowance, both of you. You don't get extra. Try it for 1'month see how it's works. It's a lot more work but it should help you.

After you are bit steady on your feet, go see a financial planner. Take your wife with you. Pay the few $$$ and it will be worth every penny.
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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:30 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning.
Do you also take care of the kids as well? If so, what does she do most of the day?

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Have an accountability report.

Take a sheet of paper and write every single expense for both of you down. Everyday. Every penny. Keep all receipts of spending. Every week do your calculations. Then, you see where your money is going.

Break down the mortgage, car payment, insurance and large bills into
4.
This 1/4 is what you put aside every week into the checking account. So you are breaking things into smaller amounts.

Pay bills every week as the come ,together.

If you are better with the money, you mind the account.

No atm cards, credit cards, only cash. You get an allowance, both of you. You don't get extra. Try it for 1'month see how it's works. It's a lot more work but it should help you.

After you are bit steady on your feet, go see a financial planner. Take your wife with you. Pay the few $$$ and it will be worth every penny.
I think the paper with all expenses might be a good tool to implement. I can already see her questioning if it is accurate or if I'm spending it elsewhere. It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction. Both of which are completely far fetched.

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:33 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning.
Oh my, you got stuck in a FHA type low interest loan that will increase in interest over a period of a year or so? Worst loans out there. Lived it and learned. Conventional only for me. Anyway, your W is part of the problem. She can be part of the solution. It is time to lay it on the line...advise your she needs to become financially responsible. Advise if she does not become part of the solution the home will need to be sold and less expensive place found to live.

Sounds like a champagne tastes on a beer budget.

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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:35 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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I think the paper with all expenses might be a good tool to implement. I can already see her questioning if it is accurate or if I'm spending it elsewhere. It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction. Both of which are completely far fetched.
Ah...blame shifting and without any evidence. Utter BS and unfair. Your W sounds immature and has never really faced the reality of a financial abyss.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:39 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:40 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

Jman34....you are in a situation of what I call "House Poor". In other words, the house mortgage eats up all of the money. There is nothing left for anything. This is no way to live. Been there brother. Not sure of your loan and if you are upside down in the home or there is some equity. Did you look into a refinance to a conventional loan at a much lower interest rate? Doing so will stop this crazy interest rate jump and your mortgage payment growing. It appears the mortgage is the problem and this can be address if you start looking at other loan options.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 03:43 PM
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Re: I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke

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Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?
I would not say it is Jman issue. The issue is the house. The lousy loan has doubled and created financial stress. Like we have not seen this before with crappy loan offices peddling loans to people that can not really afford the loans. The housing bubble still continues.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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