Young, Broke, and Resentful - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-14-2015, 10:34 PM
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Re: Young, Broke, and Resentful

I was in a similar situation except that we were older, late 40's. It was both of ours 2nd marriage. I had my son, he had 100% custody of his children. 2 years into the marriage he lost his job.

The rest of the story is about like yours.

I did the do-nothing types things that some are suggesting. The result was that 10 years later he still did not have a job. I was still the breadwinner, raising all 3 kids and he was doing.. well nothing constructive.

What I learned is that I made a HUGE mistake. It does not matter what's going on in his head.. if he's too sensitive to go out to find a job to help support his family. What matters is that he is not doing what he needs to do and apparently is fine with putting the entire burden on you.

It would be different if you two had agreed to you being the breadwinner and he was being a great SAHD. But he's not.

As someone else said, if he did not have you to support him, he'd have a job in no time. Necessity is the mother on invention.

You need to take a strong stand with him. You cannot support all of you on your income. He has to get a job or find another way to being in enough income to carry his responsibilities.

Job hunting needs to be his main focus.
He can sign up at temp agencies.
Use craigslist
and on and on

He can advertise whatever skills he has on Craigslist... can he do yard work? The guys around here charge $20 - $30 an hour. They are so busy that they are scheduling out 1-2 months in advance. Those are the guys who have little special equipment.

What's his education in? What kinds of things can he do besides the area of his education.

There are things that he can do.

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post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-15-2015, 09:38 PM
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Re: Young, Broke, and Resentful

The deal is, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. Because he found a cash cow.
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post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-15-2015, 11:15 PM
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Re: Young, Broke, and Resentful

You guys are so young and have accomplished so much already, congratulations on finding the love of your life, marrying him and your young family. It sounds like you are very driven, you are very strong and very responsible. It also sounds like you are a giver, of love, your time and your vision of what you want for you and your family.
As you havenít mentioned anything about the other areas of your life, such as your general relationship with your husband, how he is with your kids and around the house etc. I would assume that these areas are going ok, itís the working and financial side thatís frustrating you.
Your husband sounds like he has also been very driven in the past. He has finished a college degree and has held good jobs. But since he lost his job last year, it seems he might have lost some of that drive and direction. It sounds like he is in limbo and has lost his spark for working. Perhaps you could help him find his passion again, with his passion will come his energy to find work again. You could become curious and ask him questions like ďIf you could have any job, what would it be? What would you be doing? What type of hours would you work? Who would you work with? Who would you work for?Ē. Encourage him to dream about his future (what will it look like, feel like etc), and once he has achieved that, work backwards with him to work out a plan on how to achieve that dream.
Also, you could elevate him. He may be feeling low in self-esteem and confidence due to his employment situation. You could have a conversation with him about what you admire in him, what you believe his strengths are, what you believe he is good at, how he is a good role model for his children and what you hope for him.
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post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-16-2015, 10:20 AM
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Re: Young, Broke, and Resentful

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
PeachyKeen,

If your husband is not working a job, not taking care of the children, what does he do with his time?

How much of the housework, cooking, etc does he do?
This is a great question.

Since I don't work outside the home, I do all of the housework.

It is only fair and I wouldn't dream of expecting my husband to hire maids unless I was very ill.
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post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-28-2015, 07:43 PM
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Re: Young, Broke, and Resentful

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I was in a similar situation except that we were older, late 40's. It was both of ours 2nd marriage. I had my son, he had 100% custody of his children. 2 years into the marriage he lost his job.

The rest of the story is about like yours.

I did the do-nothing types things that some are suggesting. The result was that 10 years later he still did not have a job. I was still the breadwinner, raising all 3 kids and he was doing.. well nothing constructive.

What I learned is that I made a HUGE mistake. It does not matter what's going on in his head.. if he's too sensitive to go out to find a job to help support his family. What matters is that he is not doing what he needs to do and apparently is fine with putting the entire burden on you.

It would be different if you two had agreed to you being the breadwinner and he was being a great SAHD. But he's not.

As someone else said, if he did not have you to support him, he'd have a job in no time. Necessity is the mother on invention.

You need to take a strong stand with him. You cannot support all of you on your income. He has to get a job or find another way to being in enough income to carry his responsibilities.

Job hunting needs to be his main focus.
He can sign up at temp agencies.
Use craigslist
and on and on

He can advertise whatever skills he has on Craigslist... can he do yard work? The guys around here charge $20 - $30 an hour. They are so busy that they are scheduling out 1-2 months in advance. Those are the guys who have little special equipment.

What's his education in? What kinds of things can he do besides the area of his education.

There are things that he can do.
It is hard to read the future....I had just moved to a new job, bought a home, while trying to sell our previous home....After 16 weeks, my new job collapsed.....650 people fired in one day...

I got on the internet, job hunting. Got an interview, and while I was finishing my coffee prior to going out the door, saw a jetliner fly into the WTC....I made the interview, but they did not call back with an offer for 3 years....

I made do with contract jobs all over the Eastern U.S. It was 5 years before I landed a solid job, and as luck would have it, got 2 offers in one day....One from Garmin, and one from a miniature submarine builder...

I made the grade with the sub builder. They read my resume. and waved the requirement for a college degree.....I got a great offer, and took it. Two weeks into the new job, the VP we reported to called me into a private office and closed the door....I thought..."Here it comes..canned". Instead he said he was very impressed, and gave my salary a nice little kick up....

Prior to getting this job, my wife said I was just "playing on the computer"...When I was job hunting....

I had faith in myself, but must admit my wife's was getting a little thin...
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post #21 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-04-2015, 12:22 AM
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Peachykeen would you mind if I give you my scenario, and maybe you could relate. BTW I'm the husband that is the sole income,and my wife stays at home.
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