Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
My wife and I have a good marriage but one major sticking point concerning money. I work full time and my check is auto-deposited and she basically does the bookkeeping, paying bills as they need to be paid. I never question how she does this, I'm no good at it and happy that she takes the responsibility. I do well enough where she can have whatever job she wants. She works and makes significantly less which doesn't concern me in the least. She can do what she likes. The problem arises when I do outside freelance work. I consider this my money and often use it to promote my craft, buy supplies or spend it on something for her, the kids or myself etc. At times I use it on bills but considering that this is extra revenue, I don't like to do that. We aren't behind on anything. She insists that this is our money and not mine to spend as I see fit.
I'd love to hear any opinions. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't see her extra income as mine.
In my marriage all money is "our" money including extra money. I say this even though I'm a homemaker and I'm the one who pays all the bills.
However I'm not unreasonable. If the bills were paid, we were under no financial hardship, had minimal debt, and he wanted the extra income he earned I'd let him have it.
To me, what the OP is doing sounds about right. Since the money is coming from freelance side work, to me that makes it a little different. I myself have a side freelance business and the first place I put the money I earn is usually back into my business--professional memberships, maintaining the certifications I hold that don't really relate to my 'day job', software upgrades...and then usually to something fun and to savings too.
It sounds like your side work hasn't hit the point where it needs to be separate from personal finances (someday!) But since the money isn't a windfall or an inheritance, to me the first priority is to re-invest into what made the money in the first place, especially since you're still making room to spend/share with the family too. Posted via Mobile Device
I completely understand from your pov that this is your 'extra' money. That's not to say I'm not unlike your wife though. My H is due for a bonus soon and I commented that it was great because it will help us out with certain expenses. He replied that he'd like to enjoy some of his bonus and not have me pre-allocate it. Good point. So rather than pre-allocating it, we've agreed to work out together how the money will be used/saved.
Like magnoliagal, all our money is our money. That's not to say that if we're good with our expenses, that I'd have any problem with him spending the rest however he wanted but first we need to look at where we're at with responsibilities. This has been more my domain in our relationship and even though I understand that he might want to have FUN with his bonus (I totally get that), he also thanks my ability to save and to make certain financial decisions that have helped get us to where we're at.
There's a balance with everything ...and he helps me loosen up when needed.
Thanks for all the great feedback, I appreciate it. As I said we do pretty well and aren't in any financial crisis. So it is extra money on top of my current income and I'd rather see it go for business building or extras for us or the kids.
COGypsy - good luck with your business, it's a flat economy out there. I have a lot of respect for risk takers.
Maybe she is concerned with how much extra money gets spent freely amongst you too. If she gets to spend $100 per month, but your extra money ends up being $500 per month, she may think its a bit unfair. I don't necesssarily believe everything is always fair, but maybe there is a way to find some kind of balance. Also, if you are reinvesting in your business to help it grow, thats essentially not extra money for you, its a business expense. I usually let my husband have whatever extra money because he is taking care of most of the expenses. If I want some money from him, I just ask and I usually tell him what its for, not to just ask for some of his extra money because I think I deserve some.
Nothing you "own" is just owned by you...............you are a married man. Your wife has a claim on EVERYTHING - not just a few extra bucks you make on the side.
Read and understand a Contract of Marriage before you sign it, which if you ever did would ironically make it likely you would never sign it in the first place...........
In my marriage all money is "our" money including extra money. I say this even though I'm a homemaker and I'm the one who pays all the bills.
However I'm not unreasonable. If the bills were paid, we were under no financial hardship, had minimal debt, and he wanted the extra income he earned I'd let him have it.
Yes, this is how I see it too, and I am the major breadwinner
The problem arises when I do outside freelance work. I consider this my money and often use it to promote my craft, buy supplies or spend it on something for her, the kids or myself etc.
I am the income earner in my family and my husband is a full time student. I handle paying all the bills and my husband also does freelance work. I never consider the money he earns from freelance as ours and let him spend it on whatever he wants. If I ever needed the money he made from freelance work I would ask for it and he would give it. Allowing him to have this extra spending money really works in our relationship because he always has some cash on hand and never feels like he has to ask his wife if the money has already been spent on bills. It also lets him buy any frivolous things that our budget might not be able to afford.
So in a nutshell if your bills are paid let the man keep his money.
I suggest calling it "our" money still BUT perhaps add in a "hubby's budget" that includes what you want to spend it on. I'm thinking that perhaps she just wants the shared control of all the money. This way you can still get what you want and she is part of it.
My wife and I agreed that there would never be anything but 'our money' if the budget and college for the kids wasn't being completely met, and we didn't have any credit risks. Still, as the years passed, I have had a few different sources of additional income. We finally reached a place where we had some spare money, so the 'my money' came into play, like you are suggesting. I just couldn't see splurging on a new air compressor or something if she couldn't get something she wanted, though, because she always did without if money was tight. So, we split it 50/50 when I take 'my money' out. Seems like its just an issue of fairness, even if it is fair for you to get it because you tend to do without, while she dresses more upscale.
My husband and I share expenses. ALL bills and the mortgage are shared equally.
There is no such thing as "our" money - mine is mine and his is his. And I am more than okay with that.
However, there is a sticky point for me - I put the downpayment on the house which was substantial. Stupidly, when he said he had some credit card debt he needed to clear up I agreed to refinance the house - STUPID MOVE! Now, we fight continually over the fact that he owes me what he "borrowed" from my equity.
I am ticked at the fact that we refinanced to pay HIS debt (not mine) and that I continue to pay the same amount of monthly payments. So essentially I will end up repaying his debt not to mention that I lost a chunk of my equity in this house.
My wife and I pool all of our money into a joint account from which all bills etc are paid. In addition we draw a monthly allowance that goes into our personal accounts. The personal accounts are our own and we can spend it how we please. All gifts etc for each other are taken from our personal accounts. We don't have a hobby which makes money but if the time was non-impacting to the household it would probably be considered personal. Though it might be "taxed" some fraction for the joint account if it did take up other resourses or time that impacts the family. Posted via Mobile Device
I've always been of the opinion that if you're doing "our" money, then all earned money is "our" money. But that shouldn't mean you never get to keep the extra money.
I wonder if it's not so much that she wants it to be "our" money as just that she feels...I guess maybe left out? Maybe the fact that you earn this money and simply keep it to spend as your own (which I'm not saying anything is wrong with that) is making her feel bad. Like maybe she's feeling like you're saying you don't trust her with it or something.
Have you sat down and actually talked with her to try to find out why she feels this way? Maybe that would be a good place to start, if you haven't already. Finding out why she feels this way would go a long way toward resolving this, because depending on why she feels this way, you will either gain a better understanding of her and be more willing to see it her way, or you will able to show her why she should allow you to keep this money as your own and maybe get her to see it your way.
Whose money is it? 
