Finances, medical, and stalled marriage. - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-04-2015, 01:25 AM Thread Starter
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Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

My wife(22) and I(25) have been together for 6 years this month. We quickly had a daughter, and I quit college to start my family. We lived together several years before I finally committed to marrying her. (We had vicious cycle prior to marriage due to my lack of willingness to commit). We have been married a little over a year now, and life has been great. No arguing, it has been one of the happiest time of my life. Shortly after we married we were expecting our son who is now 6 months old. My wife has been through it all with me. I am the sole income in the household because I would rather her keep the kids at home.

When my daughter was 1, I changed jobs because I couldn't support a family on $21k. During this time, we were living in my employers hunting camp and eating TV dinners. I went to a job that starting pay was $32k with opportunities to make bonuses. We were able to scrape by during that time, yet we were broke. As our daughter got older, things got more expensive, and I hated my job.

I worked for that company for 2 years, and I was offered a job with starting pay at $925/wk. Huge improvement; we had to relocate for my job about an hour away. I worked some crazy long hours for almost a year before I was offered a job doing what I really love to do.

My new employer started me out with $1000 wk and a health insurance allowance. We moved back to where we called home and decreasdo our cost of living a few hundred bucks a month. I have been working with this company for almost 2 years and do not plan to leave.

Now that's out of the way:
After our son was born, things were great for the first couple of months, but it has quickly gone downhill. It has mainly gone downhill because of finanves and minor medical problems.

I have our bills laid out in a loose Form of a budget. We with household and insurance consuming 85% of my pay we don't have extra money to do much of anything thing now that we are raising 2 kids.

The financial stress has affected our relationship grwatly. We no longer have any type of sex life, my wife is unhappy, and we don't have extra funds to do something for ourselves. We recently took a 1 day trip for $100 just as a distraction. I've made it a point I would like for my wife to stay home.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I hate the feeling that you work all the time to get fussed at or grumpy attitude because we can't do something.

Can someone please help me figure out how to get my relationship back on track? I'm miss the old days.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-06-2015, 08:20 PM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

1. Go to a financial planner and have then create an accurate budget. Lutheran Social Services does it for free.
2. Look for inexpensive entertainment. You don't need a lot of money to have fun.
It sounds like you are trying hard and have good intentions so I don't understand why she is so frustrated and unhappy. I would get some counseling now before this escalates. With two small children I would think it would be expected to be working hard and be a little stressed and possibly a little broke. You sound like you are hard on yourself so perhaps you should look at your successes too.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-06-2015, 09:58 PM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

Idk, if I was stuck at home and unable to really do anything in terms of outings with my kids (due to $$), and my husband wanted me to stay home rather than working at least PT, I'd be frustrated too. Being broke is stressful especially when you have kids. On $48,000-$52,000 per year with 3 dependents, how are you able to save for your retirement? Your kids' education? Emergencies?

Why not let your wife get at least a PT job so she has cash to spend on little day trips (not to mention to fund some savings)? Or encourage her to go back to school so she at least feels she is working towards something?

Some women don't like being stay at home moms, especially in a precarious financial situation.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-06-2015, 11:30 PM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryinghard09 View Post
My wife(22) and I(25) have been together for 6 years this month. We quickly had a daughter, and I quit college

We no longer have any type of sex life, my wife is unhappy, and we don't have extra funds to do something for ourselves.

I've made it a point I would like for my wife to stay home.
So basically, your wife never had a chance to be a teenager. And now she can't be an adult, because she's stuck at home with two kids and no money and no freedom. No wonder she's unhappy.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-07-2015, 12:32 AM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

According to your post, you and your wife had significant problems before you even got married, so why do you believe this is mostly about money? She wasn't happy with you before you got married and she still isn't. You've been with her since she was 16? Maybe the problem is she never grew up and learned how to be happy in her own skin, never learned how to support herself. A woman in love who respects her husband will still be in love and reasonably content whether she's living in a mansion or in a rented single wide trailer. One who isn't wouldn't be happy no matter how much you had in the bank. You can't buy contentment or devotion. A real budget is in order and a Dave Ramsey course or some other financial counseling might help but only if she's seriously committed to you and to the marriage. What's the relationship between her mother and her father like? Take a look at her mother. That's what she knows about being a mother and a wife. Does her mother act happy and content? Does her mother value stuff more or relationships more?
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-07-2015, 01:20 AM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

Tryin,

You've done well work-wise and should feel good about that. Very well for a guy without a degree.

Does your wife want to work?
If so, could she work part time while you were home with the kids?

Let me make an observation.

You stated your desire for her to 'stay home' several times, but never once said what she wants.

Normally if she was in agreement - and her input mattered - the guy would say: We BOTH want her to raise the children. Or if she disagreed, he would mention that.

And perhaps others would frame it in terms of raising the children - vs. 'staying home'.

There is actually an important difference between saying: I want you to raise our children?
Vs.
I don't want you to work?




Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryinghard09 View Post
My wife(22) and I(25) have been together for 6 years this month. We quickly had a daughter, and I quit college to start my family. We lived together several years before I finally committed to marrying her. (We had vicious cycle prior to marriage due to my lack of willingness to commit). We have been married a little over a year now, and life has been great. No arguing, it has been one of the happiest time of my life. Shortly after we married we were expecting our son who is now 6 months old. My wife has been through it all with me. I am the sole income in the household because I would rather her keep the kids at home.

When my daughter was 1, I changed jobs because I couldn't support a family on $21k. During this time, we were living in my employers hunting camp and eating TV dinners. I went to a job that starting pay was $32k with opportunities to make bonuses. We were able to scrape by during that time, yet we were broke. As our daughter got older, things got more expensive, and I hated my job.

I worked for that company for 2 years, and I was offered a job with starting pay at $925/wk. Huge improvement; we had to relocate for my job about an hour away. I worked some crazy long hours for almost a year before I was offered a job doing what I really love to do.

My new employer started me out with $1000 wk and a health insurance allowance. We moved back to where we called home and decreasdo our cost of living a few hundred bucks a month. I have been working with this company for almost 2 years and do not plan to leave.

Now that's out of the way:
After our son was born, things were great for the first couple of months, but it has quickly gone downhill. It has mainly gone downhill because of finanves and minor medical problems.

I have our bills laid out in a loose Form of a budget. We with household and insurance consuming 85% of my pay we don't have extra money to do much of anything thing now that we are raising 2 kids.

The financial stress has affected our relationship grwatly. We no longer have any type of sex life, my wife is unhappy, and we don't have extra funds to do something for ourselves. We recently took a 1 day trip for $100 just as a distraction. I've made it a point I would like for my wife to stay home.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I hate the feeling that you work all the time to get fussed at or grumpy attitude because we can't do something.

Can someone please help me figure out how to get my relationship back on track? I'm miss the old days.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-07-2015, 10:18 AM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

Th09, welcome aboard.

I think the others are on the right track. What does your wife want? Does she want to work? Does she want more free time away from the kids? What is it she finds unpleasant or difficult right now? Does she just need more time to play without being bogged down with things she has to do?

A stay-at-home mom is ideal for the kids if it can be managed financially, and if she is happy to stay at home. Her working is likely not to increase your actual available spending money because you will have child care expenses while she is at work. If there is a network you can tap into where relatives, friends, and neighbors rotate child care then your wife might be able to work part time without added child care costs. If the net money is zero, it may still be worth it for her to work part time if it brings her happiness. Just having some adult contact for a few hours each week might really perk her up.

I think perhaps your wife is feeling she doesn't have any input or decision power in things. Maybe she is feeling there is always something she has to do, with no time to herself. Young kids are really rough on the parents because of the constant demands. I remember how I couldn't even step into the bathroom without one of the kids either starting to cry or knocking on the door wanting me to do something for them. Both of you need to have some fun in your lives. You can't be happy if everything is some kind of obligation.

If you're working hard to make the money, your wife should have primary responsibility for the household and children. But, you can certainly provide her some relief. I would sit down with her and create a second "budget", this one a non-money one. List all the things which need to be done around the house. Prioritize them. Maybe she is feeling pressured to do things which really aren't all that important to you or to her. Maybe some things can be let go totally, and others can be done less often. There may be some things which you can do in order to relieve her some.

Make sure that the person who is doing the job is the one who determines how it is done. For example, if she puts dishes in the dishwasher then she decides how they get arranged in there. That's a simplistic one. If she does the laundry, you don't get to complain unless the laundry is coming out dirty or damaged. If you cut the grass, she doesn't get to complain about how you did it unless you are unsafe or are damaging things.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-07-2015, 10:41 AM
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Re: Finances, medical, and stalled marriage.

And if she's a SAHM, she NEEDS time away from being a mommy. Even if it's just one weekend morning a week, provide her that outlet. If she wants out of the house, send her on her way and you stay with the kids and bond with them some. If she doesn't want to leave the house, you take the kids to a park or something for 2 or 3 hours and just let her BE, without having to be mommy, cook, maid, or wife. It's imperative.
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